Dear Mummies, I have always been an avid reader of this forum since I was pregnant, continued when i gave birth in Oct 2007. In March 2008, I stopped visiting this website. It was heart breaking for me, particulary reading the Oct 2007 thread(the mth my baby was born) which I was once a huge fan. I remembered reading the joyful times and occasions that mummies wrote abou spending time with their babies always bring a smile to me that I want to do the same too. Previously, when I read that some Oct mummies bought bumbo chair for their babies, I followed too. I was a first time mum like most mummies in the thread, going through maternity leave together and enjoying the similar times of our babies growth. However, in March 2008, i was diagnosed with Brain Cancer. My oncologist told me that my life span is likely between 2 to 5 years. I was devastated because then, my baby was only 5 months. I was angry and sad with myself, resenting for having such a condition while my baby girl was still so young. I rejected reading the thread and visiting this website. I cant bring myself to envy other mummies having so much fun time with their babies yet mine is so short lived. I cried very very hard. (I am sorry if I meant resentment in this statement. It was not meant my intention.) Now,my little girl is already coming 9 mths old. Almost 3 mths after surgery and post treatment, I have slowly come to terms with my conditions. At this time, my condition is not considered terminally ill, so I am trying to act as a normal person. During the darkest period of my life, it was difficult being a first time mum to my cute baby because there are a lot of things that I need to learn and experience. She shared with me her laughter and her joy and makes me forget that I was a brain cancer patient. Knowing that I cant be there to see her grow up, it pains me in the heart. Being a parent, I matured a lot and see through how life can be so unpredictable. I sob very hard at times when I envisioned the future where my girl does not have a mother to teach, talk and cosy with. The worst torture to a mother i feel, is not being there with her through her growing up years. I am back in this forum again because I have become stronger mentally and would like to find mummies with similar conditions because I know that you feel alone at times. (1)I was once lonely because my family were not in the same path as I was. (2)I was lonely because I kept this matter hush hush from other friends but to my close friends only. Yet most of them do not have a child yet. (3)I was lonely because I do not have a friend who has been through this condition before. (4)I was lonely because I dont know what to do. Once my family kept telling me that there is a cure for my condition. I asked my oncologist and i checked the Internet, there is NO CURE. I was very sad because my family were in denial of the illness. I have no choice but to be brave. I tell myself that if i DONT HELP MYSELF, NO ONE WILL CAN HELP ME. My thoughts are it does not matter now that I will have short life span, what matters most is that I can see my girl grows up as much as time permits. Thats my biggest wish. Pondering how the future holds for my little girl, it worries me a lot. I believe if there are mothers out there with similar conditions, they worried just as i do. Mothers in many ways think alike. I hope to start this thread so that people like me can have a place to discuss and talk about, not so much about our condition but about our babies. Is there someone out there?