Lost and depressed about my marriage

[VenusMummy]

Hi mummies, I don't know who can I turn to but to seek some advices here. I am very very tired about my marriage and seeing counselors (we have tried 3 different counselors so far) don't help much. In fact I think there's nothing much that counselors can do, what they usually advice are too generic and don't really address to our real problems.

My hub and I can't seem to communicate properly and whenever there are conflicts, his standard reply will be "lets divorce". He has mentioned the word Divorce in almost every argument we have and I am really sick and tired of talking to him. We don't have much topics in the first place and most of the time our topics revolves around our son. Frankly speaking, I don't think there is anymore love in the marriage and we are both holding on for the sake of our son.

Seriously, I do consider divorcing, since he mentions so often. But I am not sure what would my life be like after divorcing. Most importantly, my family are not the supportive sort so most likely my son's care & control will be under his side if we were to divorce. I don't think I have the financial means to rent a place for my son and I, adding to that, my son is quite hard to handle at night thus I don't think there would be any landlords who are "kind" enough to tolerate him.

Currently, we are living separately (actually no difference to separation), I am staying with my parents while my son and hub are staying at my in-laws' place. Weekends either I will bring my son back to my parents place during daytime (and send him back in the evening) or go up to their place to take care of him. We do have a bto flat that will only be ready in 2019. But I guess another set of problems will bound to arise when we are living together. We can't even resolve conflicts in peace, how to even live together?

I am not sure about how other married couples resolves conflicts with each other. Is there any ways to better communicate / solve issues together without hurting the marriage? I am really not happy with my marriage and sometimes I just want to escape from the whole situation as I can't see a future living with this person.

 

[tiggerpooh]

@VenusMummy

Do you know why both of u r always having conflicts? Over what matters?

If u yourself is unhappy about the marriage now, there is nothing 2 "encourage" u 2 save your marriage.

Take DH & myself, we dont c eye 2 eye on everything. We give n take. He used 2 watch soccer every weekend, I was lonely. We quarreled over it, den we compromised. He will keep me company till his soccer starts n I will take up a hobby 2 past time when he is watching his matches.

2 persons coming together 2 say dat u will b committed 2 one another. However, saying is ez, it's hard work since 2 persons will definitely have 2 diff characters & behavior. It really requires hard work on both sides.

 

[Ziliang]

I would say " compromise" is the key words.
Even if you two divorce, you two will still need to keep in contact as there is already a responsibility to take care of. Unless either one willing to let go of everything including your child than yes. Is a clean cut & brand new start.

Apologies if my words offend you.

 

[Beanie Peeps]

if you are not giving yourself a chance to face/solve the conflicts, than ur hub wont be able to talk things out too because you are closed.

like what tiggerpooh said, what caused the conflicts? It takes 2 hands to clap. Give and take is another word I will use.. there is never a perfect person. We just have to compromise, give and take and accept each others flaws..

For myself, hub and me always talk things out after arguments.. we will find a way to solve the problem and try not to have the same thing happen again. If things keep happening, than we will sit down again and talk again..

Jiayou x 3..

 

[adhd.dad]

Sigh, this guy does seem kind of irresponsible. Come on you're a dad! Surely our kids deserve more effort!

 

[Ziliang]

Hopefully everything will be alright for you.
Sort thing out !

Jiayou ~

 

[VenusMummy]

Hi all, thank you for the replies.

@tiggerpooh, we usually quarrel over money matters.

@Ziliang , yes honestly, I did thought of having clean cut, in terms of giving up everything. But I can't bear to give up my son, so I still hang on.

@Beanie Peeps, we still can't find a "way" to talk peaceful. Whenever we try to talk things out, most of the time we would end up arguing and both of us will be fuming with anger. And the thing about him is, whenever I am trying to settle Issue A, he will drag other issue B, C, D to counter me. In the end, we can't even solve anything at all I think the problem is, we have not found a suitable "communication style".

Overall, I feel both of us are drifting apart. We don't live together and he is working retail hours. We have zero "couple" time together as MIL expects us to take care of the son whenever we are free. We seem to be living separate lives.

 

[Ziliang]

Fight for it if you want your son. There must be a way. Singapore law is more towards women. Get a stable income a proper job. Black & white is the best choice for you now. Show to judge that you got the ability to take care. Your son can speak now, they can choose who to be with.

 

[tiggerpooh]

Since the arguments are mainly cos of $, do u know d reason y both of u r arguing over it?

Eg Too many commitments? DH not contributing enough? etc...

Frankly, no matter how much we have, we always think dat we dont have enough. It's really putting necessities before needs.

I seriously hope u r able 2 work things out, but if u really think dat there is no point in continuing d marriage, den do wat u think is best 4 u & your son.