ANYONE SALVAGED A MARRIAGE AFTER HUSBAND COMMITS ADULTERY

thanks dying heart..i hope i have enuff courage to go thru with this..... said too many times but nvr got done...backed out last min...sigh...

hi dying heart...i oredi been to the lawyer's office twice...first time consultation...dats the lawyer who just passed away on 5 Dec, heard it came out in the papers... 2nd time went, met his other lawyer and kinda backed out later part soft hearted... next week go is third time oredi....hope i have the courage to go thru this once and for all...
 


hi all
It is so sad to read all these posts, why cant the men treat us the same like how we treat them? do we go out and find other men and flirt ? Why are they doing all these? ego or under peer influence or really for the affection attached?

Until now, i still dont trust my hubby although he asked me for permission to go out with his guys frens for night drinks. I hate the thought of that and donno what he is doing out there. I even thought of getting PI to trail him, I should have done that before disclose his acts.

He is now mixing with some single and married frens and he says his married fren's wife is very open-minded, and what does he expect from me when he himself has spoilt the chance previously?

He keeps saying I m not understanding and that is why he needs someone who is better at listening to him.

I dont think we will DIE without men and we have our kids to rely on and I am not going to let him have them although he used to say having kids for woman is not easy and a burden.
 
Reply to Dodo (dodo789):

3 years is a long time. If you have children, you also have to consider their well-being.

From the time I woke up and realised that my ex cheating (and not my imagination), I wasted a year trying to salvage my marriage. Looking back, I am ashamed at how low I debased myself. Yes, it is debasement because he used me, made me think that there was perhaps hope after all, only to squish them like a roach.

He was unrepentant and worse, his attitude to the children was appalling. We suffered mentally and emotionally during that period, loving him yet realizing that he was no longer the man we used to know as husband and father.

I did not want to just divorce him but I was not the only person suffering! My kids were all under ten and he did not help me with them at all yet made things worse for us.

He had his lawyer send me documents for a DOS. But I went ahead to the Legal Aid for their assistance to divorce him. oh I had plenty of reasons under unreasonable behaviour! Somehow, a lot of doubt set in... but ultimately, I know that I have done all I could have.

As soon as our divorce was finalized and the HDB flat transactions were completed (and his CPF refunded) he married his latest OW, bought a new flat, renovated it, bought a car even. That sealed it for me - we have never renovated our resale flat much less owned a car... so for him to do that with another person but not for his children, confirmed for me that I had made the right choice in filing for divorce instead of accepting his lawyer's DOS.

I'm sharing all this because there are many many stories of women like us, and mine is but one, as is staff's story. But you are the author of your own life. If you have children, you are also responsible for their life stories.
 
i spend 3yrs trying to salvage my marriage. the day when i give birth i'm all alone in the hospital n my hubby is happily enjoying himself @ the hotel with OW. i endure all the way.. he nv bring a cent back hm n expect mi to pay his credit card bills everymth which is at least $1K. for 3yrs i keep quiet n still be my loving wife make breakfast & dinner everyday even he nv once eat it.. as for my gal he nv once touch her or care abt her.. i'm staying in this marriage like tis all these while but i nv give up.. i'm onli 26.. all the OW tat my hb find is older then mi at least 30plus yr old.. i do have other guy frds who is going after mi n dun mind mi having a daughter but i nv leave tis marriage coz i always believe 1 of these day he will wake up n cm back to mi..

it's onli until tis yr when he actually bring the OW home i cant endure.. i request for divorce n get a lawyer to settle everything.. On the very day when we went dw to sign the paper he cry n beg mi to forgive him infront of my lawyer n promise to change.. i change the divorce to DOS to give him another chance..

i'm not trying to say anything here but i reali wish can give each other a chance.
 
I tried to salvage my marriage after i found out he is commiting adultery but disappointingly, i found out he had chosen to have the best of the 2 worlds... he wanted the family as full-time and that woman as part-time...
 
Hi ladies,

I believe all of us want our marriage to work...otherwise, we wouldn't b living in misery & fear...trying our best to salvage the marriage...but wat does the man do ? Nthgs, they only carry on making us upset...My hb keeps telling me sorry & all his fault but he never repent...he still carry on with the relationship with the OW...

i kinda feel alittle bit relieve now i hv decide to let go...no doubt, i cannot say tat i hv give up totally...but at least, i m prepare...

Yes, Annie says...all man wanted the family as full-time & the OW as part-time..
 
dying heart, flower:
why dont you ask your husbands directly what is it of the other woman that they cant tear themselves away from?

dying heart, when the other woman was not around, your husband was nice and would text you. but when she is, he is distracted.

find out from them directly, if they really want to end it with the other woman. tell them to let you help him. if he cant handle the other woman, let you help him.

its like drug... they know its wrong but they "cant help" themselves.
 
dying heart,
i can totally understand how u feel..your hb will do things tt he never did with u, but with her,he is willing to take mc..
for my hb..he can go on a trip with her..but cant go with mi.cos he cant sleep in the same rm as mi..n of cos he has no feeling..

i can understand exactly how u feel..the hurt,the pain, the disappointment n the anger..

but my dear..i think u are still like mi..still in a unstable stage of mind..cos u still feel alot of anger n bu gan xin..n during this period of time..whatever decision u made..maybe on impulse or u may regret it later..

pls do take some time to think over..it is not easy..esp keep receiving such treatment from him..it is very painful to live like this..
everyday i will wonder y i wan to torture myself like this..on one hand i wan to leave..on the other i dun feel like..cos i hope tt he will turn back..

i'm still feeling angry with wat he has done..hence i noe tt i hve to be really calm n at peace..then i can make a good decision for myself n the kids.
right now,the oni thing i can try to do..is try to lift up my spirits n be happy n take good care of my kids..then when i'm well..then i can make better decisions..

but trust mi..there will still be roller coaster ride on n off..it is definitely not easy.

staff,
it is always so encouraging to read what you have shared with us.
yes..i confronted both my hb n the OW at different times..n they claimed that they have broke off.

well..the stupid lame excuse tt my hb gave..though he noe tt it is wrong to go for the trip..but it has already been paid for..so if dun go,will waste the $.wat is a few hundreds bucks compared to our family??
he always claim tt he no $ cos he paid for everything in the hse..but he got $ to go for trip..

since he got such "$" then y shd i try to save $ n chip in for the hse..now,everything,i will ask him to pay..

i do know tt due to the fact tt he has no feelings for mi..so he finds it difficult to make effort..he said no matter how he force himself..he just cant bring himself to treat mi like in the past..i mentioned before tt he is someone who must have feeling then can do things..
he said tt it is his prob.i presume the OW is not in the picture now..cos they broke off..so i give them the benefit of the doubt..so i guess..it is really his prob..

i find it super annoying lor..i hve been with him for 10 yrs..n we hve 10 yrs of relationship..isit there any teeny weeny bit of feeling n things tt we hve been thru..tt will make him wan to make effort to try for the marriage n to hve feelings for mi..isit so difficult to like mi again?

it is so lame..he said he appreciated what i hve done for him n the family..n i'm a good person..but he just cant hve feelings for mi..
i cant force him to have feelings lor..

so heartbreaking to hear tt..
 
staff,
how u accept n take him back again?how u do it?
though i want him back..but i keep thinking if i can accept him again..
cos of this affair..it has leave a mark on our relationship..it is not "pure" anymore..

i noe tt he does not want to d..cos now the children is closer to him..n he feels tt it is better for them to stay like this..he mentioned tt maybe is better for us..but it will have immediate impact on the kids..but if we dun d..it is oso bad for the kids..but is not immediate impact lor..cos since both decisions are bad..then just dun d..at least it is not so bad.

i asked him abt the OW..he never thot of leaving the family for her..he oni be with her..part of the reason is for the thrill but they never thought of the future together..n it is just a matter of time tt they will broke..

frankly..i dunno wat to believe lor..
on one hand,no OW liao..but on the other hand..he is not trying n making much effort to try to save the marriage..

keep telling mi..now no feelings for mi,so cant treat mi as wife..but will try to treat mi as a fren..but dunno if the feeling will come back in the future or not..cos no one noes..

he is not doing anything n making effort..n he expects feelings to drop from the sky?tt is not possible right?

i'm pissed n angry with him lor..he noes tt we have probs in the beginning..but he did not bring it up to try to solve n work with mi..but he just allow it to snowball until so serious..n then he went to did such thing, having an affair to make our situation worst.
n made it so hard for us to salvage this marriage now..

lin lin,
so ur hb actually said tt he will try for the marriage..but then at the same time,he cant resist n hve the OW again?

i think you are a very strong woman..but maybe i'm in my comfort zone for too long liao..hence i do not know what will happen if i D..n wat will happen to my kids?

but i do noe tt i cant live this..to live with someone who has no feelings for mi..

dying heart,
my heart is weeping for u..in fact..i'm weeping n i feel the hurt n pain tt all of us hve been thru..

i hope u will do not make a rash decision..think carefully..
after so many mths..i still cant come up with a good decision..haiz..

frankly,i did not know tt there are so many of us being hurt by our hbs..y they can did such things to us..it does not only hurt us..it oso hurt our children n our families.....

y they cant treasure wat they have?
 
staff

i did that during the itital stage and his excuse is the same as all other men, we got no communication and he cld communicate with her.....its all bullshit to me.... i tried very hard to make up for it..but he still chose to fool around outside..this time round ... with 5 women around his fingers...wad a bxxxxxd.... he kept claiming tat he is innocent...hw can he be when he kept all this behind my back...even had a mobile line w/o me knowing and even told me he got no mobile line cos the old one got disconnected cos he nvr paid his bills.... even though son is sick oso he cant be bothered...promised to come home early every nite same promise but still doesnt come home till 2-3am drunk..then wake my son up...sigh..i gotta work next morning man... then after my son wakes up i gotta entertain him and try to put him back to bed whilst his 'father' sleeps like a dead log drunk....

and today after telling him i going to file for DOS next week...he came home at 4am drunk..i didnt bring my boi home tonite cos really need to be alone to cool off... then he kicked up such a big fuss at 4am that he want to go my mum place bring my son home immediately.... i really wanted to flare up big time..but held back cos he is drunk...will be at a losing end if anything happens to me...wats going to happen to my son....sigh.... really felt like telling him..if he really cared and bothered abt his son..he wont be out galavanting with other woman getting himself drunk and sending other women home whilst his son was running a high fever of 39 and maintaining at 38 for tat whole week....but no point quarreling with a drunkard idiot.... i insisted it wasnt good for my son to bring him home in the wee hours..wad if he falls sick again...he only just recovered from his fever cough and flu last week.... he said... africa so many children out in the open...why they dun die..they all out in the open...wah..i really felt like kicking him in the groin at that moment man...hw can he curse his own son....and yet claim to miss his son alot and rushed home at 4AM drunk just to see his son...he outside shiok and happy oredi then come back claim to miss his son.... this really proves that he is really not worth the effort at all....last nite i saw his wallet still left 100 now..i only see a 5 dollar note.. dat was all he was left with to survive thru till next mth payday... wad a jerk....argggg.....
 
Hi ladies,

I am feeling very dishearted once more...we hv abit of arguement today...yesterday, i off my HP thus he is unable to contact me...was out the whole day...he is angry tat i do tat to him...i told him tat becos i m very upset...he was with her on Thurs...he thk i always make him very stress...i ask him wat r u goin to do...he says nthg...he dun wan to talk abt it...i feel like i got a slap frm him...

2day, he bring his HP along with him to everywhere...put beside his pillow, beside the sofa, even when he go toilet & bath...simply becos he knows i will check on his HP...& i thk he is guilty...tat why, he scare...i couldn't get hold of the OW contact now...tat times when i 1st found out...he delete it off frm my HP...& i never try to copy down again...now it's so difficult already cos he is guarding me...

ladies, do u thk there r still hope...i feel us drifting further & further & he is moving closer & closer to the OW...i ask him who is sms...he says frenz...i ask him dun u feel angry tat i dun trust u...he simply turn away...

forgetmenot,

yes, i do feel tat my mind is very unstable...but i really cannot take it tat he is still mtg her & contacting her...but i guess there is a time limit right if he never want to do anythgs to salvage this marriage...i feel weaker & weaker as each day go by...see each other yet feeling so painful...everyday, he come home...just want to zzz...he likes got nthgs to talk to me but he got alot to talk to the OW...all these make me feel very lousy...

like now...his frenz call him & he simply say ok to go out for drink...eventhough, he very tire...he still wan to go out rather than facing me...i feel tat he dun seem to love me anymore...i m like his responsibilities now...

dilemma,

u know i really feel like getting out frm all these & start my life afresh...cos i got no more faith in myself & him...the OW will never break up with him cos she got nthgs to lost...she is separated frm her hb waiting to get divorce...who know...by then she will ask my hb to divorce me...frankly speaking, i thk we dump them better than we kana dump...my frenz tell me tat he will never change...why waste my times waiting for him ?...just give up & let the OW hv him...i hv to pretend tat he is no longer there & when times is up...just head down to the lawyer firm...

flower & linlin,

Can u advise me how much is the charge for the DOS & other legal fee ? I nd to get myself prepare...
 
forgetmenot, dying heart, flower:
i know it is very difficult, painful and tough.

we always ask ourselves:
1) we spent our youth with our husbands (7 yrs and more) and they enjoyed all of our prime
2) we bore them their children
3) we love them so much
4) we even finance their expenses
5) we stuck with them when they were down and out and building their careers

WHY DO THEY STILL DO THIS TO US?

how can they simply fall in love with another person in a matter of months and want to dump everything we have done together?

how can they be so irresponsible and hurtful and become such a different person totally?

how / when have they started to become the monster they are now?

the questions are endless yet unfortunately, there seems no answer to these questions.

we can go on and dwell on these questions forever and still have no answers.

there is enough negativity here ... in these past few days.
sad.gif

the more we "discover" what our husbands have been up to these days, the worse we feel. but do we not want to know? would our marriage be a big fat lie then by choosing not to know, to live in denial?

we can come here to pour out our sorrows and cry our hearts out but please remember to stay positive though i know it is very very tough to.

we are hurting, we talk to our friends, we are trying to cope. but we are women.

i spoke to my husband before and i realise that for men, their way of dealing with problems is very much different from ours. they choose to run away from reality, to get drunk, to immerse themselves in other forms of "pleasure" to numb their problems. but they cant go on like this forever.

you know your husbands best. have they always been the "bad and ugly person" that they are now? if they are, then who was it that we married?

we want to hurt our husbands for hurting us! we want to make them feel the pain that we are experiencing now, we want our "revenge". But is this really what we want? or we say it because we are angry and hurt?

forgetmenot:
my husband, when i asked him out for a movie, he would always turn me down even bark at me for being unreasonable because he was so tied up with work, he never took leave, let alone mc to spend time with me, yet like your husband, he took leave after leave to bring the other woman out.

before i found out about his affair, that time, my husband wasnt earning much so i helped him with his finances. i ended up paying for the car insurance, the petrol, his credit card bills. so that he could drive the woman all over singapore to have nice dinners and send her back to the other end of the island. i felt like a big fool,i pay for everything he spent on the woman!!

but if i keep thinking of all these, i will be miserable all the time.

dilemma:
you asked me how i could take him back after all that he has done to me and our little girl... i told him that if he really wanted to go, he has to end it with me. i said he has to be decisive and not let it drag any further because no one will gain from this.

i told him, so what if every one regarded him as irresponsible and a bastard.. because over time, another big scandal will come by and what he has done will be old news. if he really thinks the other woman was the one, his relationship with her would be a success and pp will come to realise that his marriage with me was a "mistake".

i told him, he might not love me but he couldnt stop me from loving him and i will always be there for him for as long as it takes. in my eyes, he will always be family because he fathered my child but whether he played out his role as a father was not an issue anymore.

i told him, his new "wife" will feel very uncomfortable when he visited his child, if he chose not to visit and i would understand and i would be honest to our little girl when she asked me where is daddy.

i told him, we make our own beds so we jolly well lie in them.

i didn't scream at him. in fact i said all these calmly and as a matter of fact.

he said he had no confidence that he could do it, that he could be nice and treat me like a wife, that he would love me. but i told him, its a risk.

we could try one more time, this time, knowing all of our faults and shortcomings or we could throw in the towel and kiss each other goodbye. but i said, i would do my best and so must he and if we just couldn't make it happen again, then at least we tried.

so when he did ask me to come back, i thought he had really turned around. but like i posted several days back, the weeks and months that i returned were hell!

he was still picking and sending her to work
he was still driving her to the train station every evening after their work
he was still going on dates with her
he was telling her he loved her
he would fall asleep at 9pm and i thought he was dead tired from working then i realised he was flirting with her for most of the time in the office and didnt really work.

i kept all these inside me.

once, my mum called me.. and she said i have become this timid woman who is always living in fear of my husband. i was always looking at my husband to see his reaction when something happened. i was afraid of making him angry so i always said no to my family.

i totally lost it! i screamed at my mom!! i couldn't believe that i lost my temper at my mom but i did. i told her i was under a lot of pressure at home. i always had to be this smiling and loving wife when i knew what was really going on. but i said i want to make things different; that i would not be that hysterical, crazy, angry wife (it wouldn't have mattered that i had all the reasons to be angry and crazy as he was still lying to me) to him, i would have just proven to him that things wouldnt work between us!

i didn't want my valid reasons to be angry to be used against me. in fact, i didn't want him to use anything against me. thats how i learned to stay calm. i come to realise that even if i am right, but if i didnt execute my plans, or phrase what i want to say amicably, even if i am right, it will still be used against me. its just like if i got slapped in the face, if i had taken matters into my own hands and retaliated, i would still be at fault. but if i had reported the matter to the police, then only 1 person would be charged for assault. do you get what i mean?

we cant fire with fire.. we cant lose our senses to our anger although we have every right to.

it is difficult i know. but how long can our husbands hold on to such decadent lifestyles? can we outlast them?

that was how i learned to be tolerant.

ladies, don't lose yourselves. fight yes but dont fight with our hearts. always remember, we think better when we are calm and we MUST learn to be calm.

honestly, if you ask me, the other woman isnt that perfect. if she really loves him like he believes, she will assert pressure on him and then it will be him running away from her.

flower:
tell your husband that your common friends saw him at that place with those women. tell him that you understand that he is hurting too and that he is trying to cope with his pain or troubles or whatever. but you are here to help. you want to help and ask him to give you that opportunity to take his pain away.

break him down with your gentleness not with your anger.

let our husbands remember the woman he fell in love with and married. keep working on it .. dun give up. not yet, not when you know you can still help it.
 
Dear ladies

I'm troubled. My hubby is not commiting an adultery but he is msn, sms and talking to a woman for a few mths. I first got the message few days ago and he denied saying it's a friend and he knows her hubby as well. I sort of hv the question mark in my mind.

Yesterday i checked his msn and it's was actually a woman that sms him that nite. I confronted him and he apologized saying that he did not wan to blow things up when nothing has happened.

The msn messages were all abt my hubby and that woman talking abt relationship problem. That woman is a third party in someone marriage. My hubby said he felt bored with life.

I cried whole day. And he broke down.

We reckon that we had never communicate to each other properly, just taking care of kids. He is always o/s becoz of his job and that makes things worse. Sex was almost never existent.

Right now we commit to each other that we will start the dating all over again, make time for each other and not bring the kids out where possible.

But I'm still sad that he has become such a good liar, clearing his HP log so that I dun know who he sms/call. Telling me the person who called actually was a man, but he knows the wife also (i called back the no. and it was a woman who picked up).

He promised he will stop all of this. I think I'm partly to blame for the situation today, I'm neglected the relationship and focused too much on the children, w/o realising that we are drifting apart.

Any one has advise for me?
 
To add on

He has never met the woman, just pure talking and msn and sms. His msn to her lately was that he is clearing the HP log because I'm checking. And he said in the msn that both they never done anything. That's how i gathered things were just what it is.

He admits he got carried away, and has crossed the boundary.
 
Hi staff,

Thanks for your sharing , encouraging and comfort words...u always make me feel better...

I am very calm yestersday, din ask him anythgs...just act normal...i feel more relieve in this manner...trying to tell myself not to pin too much hope in this relationship...give myself sometimes to heal...if the times is up & i think I can let go...will give him up...

I dream of him afew times yestersday nite...all r nice image of him & we are so happy...i dun wish to wake up cos i really miss the old old him...like wat u say...why our hb become a monster which we dun seem to recognise now?

Staff, I thk of X'mas eve & Valentine's Day is coming...he will definitely be with her...thinking of all these make me feel very lousy & lonely...i got no confidence in myself...i feel tat he dun seems to love me anymore...all these thots make me go crazy at times...i really duno how long all these going to end...i feel tat facing each other everyday is so miserable....always ask myself why must he hurt me, why must he destroy this family ?...u know after so long...he tells me he actually don't like kid...but i can see tat he dote on my bb...he kiss her everyday whenever he see her...

I got no strength & faith to fight with the OW...she never give him any stress...she never ask him to divorce me...so how to make him leave her ? It's seem so difficult...the addiction is so strong...
 
Hi Micky,

Communication is very impt in marriage...there are still turning back btw the 2 of u so long u 2 talk it out...show more concern for him...u should be glad that he never commit adultary...no doubt he betray u mentally...

wat we experience is 1000 times worst...like my case...my hb never want to give up the OW...so i really duno wat lie ahead for me...i hv to think of the worst scenario...Divorce...

It's not too late for your relationship with your hb...pick up what is lost and start afresh...
 
Big hugs to everyone ....

hmmz...i backed out again..i ignored him the following day... when my mum brought my son home around 11am..i left him with hub in the bedroom whilst i went to sleep on the sofa in the hall. later on hub carried son out and asked me to go back in to sleep which i did thereafter..so warm no aircon...later dat evening we went out with his dad and in the car he told me the gals told him i called them...and said possibly i am just being paranoid or suspect i got depression...hmm..when their turn to have kids and their hubby does the same to them then see hw they react man.... anyway he said they advised him that now with a child..we shld try to work things are and not divorce else bad for the child... i oso dunno...sigh.... lost 1.5kg within 6days..hee...jia you man...i told him..after i slim down complete i wana go shopping and wear shorts and sexy clothes again....maybe he didnt believe me cos he simply smiled... sigh..dunno when the next war going to start again man...sian....i definitely still have doubts but i told him..since u say its ok to call other ppl dear..then i shall do the same..and if u feel its ok that u're the last to know if i did something which you shld have been the first to know..then fine...i shall see how u can take it then...which he apparently didnt like cos my phone rang at 1plus this morning with a private number and he knows cos he passed me my mobile phone..so he kept probing who was it...i purposely said.hello dear..why dear..hahahaha..finally ended off with bye dear.....he was furious... i simply kept quiet...

oh ya..forgot one thing.i asked him if he had kissed his dear good nite..he asked me..huh..wad dear...i said..our dog snowball lor..he oso dear marh.....kekekekeke
 
Hi flower,

You backed out show that you still pin abit of hope for him...but i like the part when u say dear this & dear that...my hb hv not been calling me dear but he call the OW dear...

Man are very ego...they can fool ard but they never like the idea of their wife doing that to them...i recv sms frm my frenz & he want to see it...when i tell him no...he simply say bf ah...i m very mad in my heart & feel like slapping him...not everyone is like tat loh...i can't slp with 2 man at the sametimes...

Must control my temper & dun make him angry cos by doing this...he will think tat he has not make a wrong choice of starting with the OW...i want to make him regret & i will smile when i can bear to let go one day...
 
dying heart
My heart goes out to you. I can feel your pain. I am having it now as well(it's a constant pain that no matter what i do, i can't get the feeling out), I'm trying to focus on rebulding what we have and try not to think of the messages I saw. He kept reassuring me that he will not let anything happen to the marriage and I'm praying that it's all true. I hv lost my appetite as well.

Stay stronge. I know it's tough, i keep having memory flashbkacks of what i saw.
Did you consider counselling?

why are we woman so pai mia? One thing for sure, I still love my hubby very much, if not more than we first started going out because i can feel his love for the family, kids, but maybe he just neglected the part in which i needed attention and love too.

all of us need attention and love. What I'm going to do going forward is to be more affectionate, more sex, more gentle and caring and try not to give him any pressure and talk to him more. When things are alright at home, hopefully he will not be bored.
 
dying heart...just now he called me from work to say he reached liao... i purposely asked him...did u put 'Dear' into the room? he was blurr for awhile then asked me..huh..wat put dear into the room..so i said..our dog lor..did u put him into his room?..then he said ..ya..then he asked me...why i called our dog dear..so i said..well since u said dear is just an expression and didnt mean anything..so dog or cat or rabbit or any other human being oso i can call dear marh...to me..it meant those woman he called dear are no different from any stray dogs and cats..HAHAHAHAHAHA....he was furious..then he said...call me if you have anything to say to me...then i told him..why get so worked up..its nothing marh..i merely called our dog dear only marh..its a common expression doesnt mean anything special marh....so wads the big deal...hmm...then he asked me if he cld call our dog baby darling honey..i said to him..well..its up to u wat u wana call since u say tat the word dear didnt mean anything marh....sigh....
 
ladies
i was trying to find the right words to put my thoughts through and i was sleepless on sat night.

when for sunday service and you know what?

the words came to me.

we have to go through suffering... because it is only through suffering that we learn the meaning of perseverance and only when we persevere that we build up our character (and become better persons) and there after, hope will follow.
 
staff,
u are right..
there are alot of qns in the head..like y he can do such things to hurt everyone and to break the family like this..n i wan ans..but it is so painful..knowing that there will not be ans at all.

dying heart,
there will still be ups n downs.someone ever told me..we hve to be calm n well..then we can take watever it comes well.
hope for the best but at the same time plan for the worst.

most impt.must think wat do you want.n once u decide wat u wan to do..just stick to the decision..then we will hve a easier job there.

this thing with OW..how many affairs can tahan the long haul. for now..she may not want anything..but as times goes by..she will sure become more demanding.n which mistress would want a kid to tag along..n as a mother....we sure do not want our kids to raise by other woman.

someone told mi this..n i'm still trying to do this..though is hard..i noe it is not easy lor

just the other night..i dreamt tt he went overseas with her again..n they get back together..i know cos i hve this fear..hence i dreamt of them.

though now i'm still in the waiting game..i'm giving him n myself time till CNY or maybe next yr end..i shd see how..
n during this time..i'm gearing myself interms financially,emotionally n physically..

i hve been telling myself..wat ever happen,i cant change it anymore..but i can control n decide wat i wan to do with my life n my kids life now n future.

no one force him to get married in the past..n similarly,no one force him to be in an affair..so i find tt the reason tt things just happen is all crap.
all these he does it willingly one lor.

n frankly..i guess i realised it too late.if he is not willing to do it..no matter how u talk or force him to do..he will not do.
he must do it willing..n he himself must be willing to change n decide what he want.then the change will be permanent..no point forcing

i cant change n control him..but i can control n change myself.

i can think logically now..but at times i cant..cos i still hve flashbacks n i still feel anger..so now..in a way..i'm living each day at a time n see how things go..but i will not deny tt deep in a corner of my heart..i still hope tt he will come back n hve feelings for mi again

n of cos..saying is always easier..is doing the part that is difficult..
 
forgetmenot:
YES! Thats it! thats the right kind of attitude!

We do what we can and we change what we can. And we are always in control of ourselves!
happy.gif
 
staff,
i noe tts the kind of attitude we shd hve..but doing it..is realli very difficult..i'm always in limbo..swaying to n fro..

frankly..i still feel alot of anger in mi..though i noe tt i cant change history..but i'm realli pissed lor..

U noe tt day, bring my child to see doc..the daddy no $ to pay leh..so end up,Im the one paying for the 200 plus medical bills..

No $ to pay for kids medical bill..but got $ to rendevous n go overseas with slut..

i'm angry n pissed too..everyone is telling mi to give a chance..but frankly lor..this does not happen to them..is easier to say..
n it is the hb who did tt..so wife shd give another chance.
if i'm the one having affair..u think they will tell the hb to give mi another chance?do u think my hb will give mi another chance?

no lor..i feel tt the society is still so discriminating..
 
forgetmenot
I think we will all get flashbacks and we will then feel anger. I'm having that as well, and when I get it, I feel depressed and I will go hungry for my hubby's assurance and love. But too bad, most of the men are not expressive and we can only try to feel it. But sometimes i think abt it, if they can be expressive with the OW, why can't they do it to us?

Right now, I'm focusing on healing and I really pray and hope he is sincere in changing, which I think he is, just that deep down i hv the fear that if he can do this once and be such a good liar, he may do it again.

If after i try all means on rebuilding the marriage and it still does not work, I will then let go but I let go with understanding that i hv tried and it's just not meant to be. And I concur with u, the change must come from within, and not only wanting to do it at the moment, and thereafter revert back to same old way. Only when the change comes from within, it will be permanent.

But I'm glad that he has open up and we had a heart to heart talk over things and the problem btw us and this cast a new light and direction on where we wan to bring our relationship.

It's not easy being the victim, and maybe somehow men dun see the effect and impact it has on us. The quick thrill they had is on us and our children's expense. But i guess after all the excitment dies down, our man will realize that they had been foolish.

I am all set to get my man back!
 
forgetmenot:
i know it is difficult but dont lose yourself to anger.

we have valid reasons to be pissed and angry. but learn to control ourselves. it can be done. take it slowly. today, you can maybe control yourself by not retorting him. thats progress already. tomorrow, you will learn to control a little bit more. take it slowly. it takes time.

maybe you can say "thank you" to him for him taking some time off to bring your child to the doc. i mean, we all know its his duty to do it, but focus on the positive stuff.

at the end of the day, if we cant turn them around, at least, we learn to be more appreciative and thankful. and this makes us better persons.

remember, focus on the positive stuff.

micky:
yah. focus on healing.
happy.gif

thats the right start.
happy.gif
it will be difficult, as i have posted earlier ... come here to pour out grievances but stay positive. we are here to give you support.
 
Forgegmenot, yeah I think asian society still have the mind set. I was actually quite surprised when some of the friends I share my story with say pretend you didn know, give him a chance.

There are some rational in the advise and perhaps its also because of the believe "quan he bu quan li".

But in reality we need to decide whether everyone (ourselves, children, hb) is better off staying married.

dilemma33, my hb actually said tt he will try for the marriage. And I suppose I do see some changes in him in terms of caring and spending time with the family. But interms of the OW, I think he is the one initiating it and I don think he reallly intend to stop dispite what he told me.

dying_heart, I filed under unreasonable behaviour so there is no DOS. My lawyer gave me free consultation and the quote for uncontested is about 3000 +

Annie, yes. same as mine. He wants the best of both worlds. the security and comfort of a family and the OW(s?).

Do Do, I believe you must hv love your hb very much andI wish you all the best and hope things work out for you. Always tell your self that you deservce a good relationship.
 
Lin Lin
Are you willing to give your HB another chance? I always think that if a man is truly repentant, then yes we shld consider getting them back, be it for love or for children. The healing will be tough.

Staff
Thanks. Yes, I still feel anger, hurt and pissed off and never would I dream that my man would become like that. He was such a decent guy. But end of the day, man will still be man and I look at things differently now. I need to give him car and concern, maybe he's always travelling so he's feels emotionally empty and bored. But of coz, that's not a excuse. I wan to put the past behind me and start afresh, I am trying, I dun think I can do this immediately but I will continue to try.

Anyone has any tips for me how to date, sayang my HB (we need to send the SPARKS flying again)
 
Hi ladies,

I am back...thinking thru and decide to stay on & win my hb back...i love him and dun wan to lost him...i want my loving family back...

forgetmenot,
I agree with you on how many affairs can tahan the long haul...the OW is now using the tactic of "yi tui wei jin"...so i will hv to use the tactic of "yi jin wei tui"...so long, i dun give him up...she will not be able to gain total entry into his life...

i know it's not easy...so we must support one another...must ENDURE and be very PATIENT...try not to think when they are out tog...then we will feel better...we must be a loving, understanding and caring wife...let our hb feel love when they are back home...let our hb know tat no matter wat, we will always be there for them...we hv all the times...5 yrs, 10 yrs...so long our hb dun hv the thots of divorcing us...we must be calm & dun lost ctrl of ourselves...dun ever make them angry or stress with us...it's as gd as pushing them towards the OW...

after i hv sort this out...i feel better and i know this battle is not goin to be easy & very long...but i tell myself i must not lose...must not give up my hb to the OW so long he still hv love for me, my bb & our marriage...but of cos at the same times...i oso hv to protect myself & plan for the worst scenario

this is really a big turning pts in my life...like wat staff say...we learn to be more appreciative and thankful. and this makes us better persons...i will change...

micky,

dun let go ur hb so easily...try to appreciate him for confess to you & did not betray u...dun let the "shadow" keep hunting u...try to forgive & forget...

flower,

since ur hb is making the 1st move of telling him tat he reach office...try not to make him angry & turn away frm u....remember, to win them back...we must not lost our cool...
 
The first thought that people have when they realise a woman filed for divorce inevitably is: "wah, she is so heartless, never give her hubby a chance!"

I've given up trying to change the mindset. Cmon, which woman would willingly give up on the years she spent on the relationship, the marriage!

Even now, when I think about what I went through during those years when he gallivanted with his OWs while I and my children struggle through our daily lives, I wonder why I didn't give up sooner. Then I remind myself that I didn't because I believed I could still salvage our marriage, and that because I didn't give up earlier, I KNOW that I have done all I could, within my limits. I feel no guilt over ending my marriage.

Regardless, I will no longer contribute to this thread since my marriage was not salvaged. I don't promote divorce but I thought that I could contribute my experiences having taken the "dark side".

Good luck to you ladies. My parting thought to you: it's good to persevere but it's better to know when to focus on something else.
 
dyingheart
Very happy to know that u decide to perservere. Good for you! And note that all ladies here will give you their support. WIN HIM BACK!
Give him all your love, affectionate, care and concern. Dun pressure him, make him feel loved, do small things for him, be affectionate, get sexy, do all you can. There will bound to be times when he and OW got differences(can't be ALWAYS plain sailing), and that's where he will come to realise that the one at home is actually better and it is where he shld belong to. Only when there's no pressure, he will come back. Dun be angry, be patient, treat him nicely and do the small things you two used to do when u first started dating. Win the love back. It will not be a easy journey but since u made the decision, press on. I give you morale support ok? ** HUGS**

I am also all out to bring back the sparks, and i constantly remind myself not to probe and think anymore coz the more i know, the more hurt i get and he gets more frustrated. Tomorrow he will be back from overseas and we have set a date to go out, just the two of us..and I'm looking very forward to it! The feeling is just like when we first started dating..
 
Hi Micky,

HUGS....thanks for the encouragement & support...yes, i realise that I m wrong & i m also at fault for allowing the OW to come into his life...she gives him alot of encourage & lend him a listening ear...while i hv been giving him alot of stress...too much until he wants to run away & he hate the thots of coming home...thus, he is spending alot of times outside cos our home dun give him any warm...only bitter & cold...

Frankly speaking, i m not angry with him now...everyone make mistakes & we learn from it...when this thing happen...i suddenly realise all those things that i bother so much in the past is actually nothings...

Yes, i will press on & there will be times when i m very very down...so i will come here for some strength...

Gd that you guys are going for a date...ever since my bb is born...we hv not been goin for any date...dress up & enjoy each other coy...u can buy him a small little gift...remember to give him hugs & kiss...
 
dying heart,
pls dun say that..to a certain extent, maybe we are in a wrong..but ur hb has to play a big part..
if he wants to save the marriage..he will not let anyone to come into his life..this kind of thing will not happen at all..

frankly,i dun feel much now..either i'm building a wall to protect myself..or my feelngs for him has died off due to the disappointments and things tt he had done..

but dunno why i'm still hanging on
 
Hi forgetmenot,

It's not easy to let go...my hb still come home late everyday...like tat go on, i really duno how to salvage my marriage...he simply dun wan to give up the OW...

yestersday is holiday...he went out with her but i m just keeping quiet...my bb was sick & crying...i call him & he is actually abit hesitate to come back & bring her see Dr...can u imagine my anger & hurt...in the end, i bring her to see Dr myself...he has totally lost his sense when he is with her...today, he wear a shirt which she bought for him...obviously, mtg up again...the relationship btw them will grow stronger & stronger...i really duno where m i goin to stand...feeling more & more dishearted...i duno whether he still love me...

my frenz tell me to pretend tat we r oredi no longer husband & wife...so i will feel better...not so hurt...i do agree...without pin hope...will not get hurt so much...

i keep telling myself to endure & endure...but i dun see any ray of hope ahead of me...how long will this things last?...how long can i take it? i hv no answer...
 
Hi dying heart,
i can understand how u feel..it is hard to live with someone like this..

i noe we shd ignore him..but staying together..seeing him everyday..very difficult to ignore lor

sorry i cant help much..oni can listen to u..cos i oso in sama shoes..except tt my hb now comes home everyday after work..
frankly..so what if he is coming home everyday after work..he told mi tt he has no more feelings for mi..n dun think it will come back again..

i feel so heart pain that a knife has stabbed into my heart..frankly..maybe i shd die last time..i though is a coward way but then at least i dun feel the pain..n i dun need to face with this..

lets work on this together..n give support to one other..lets make a new yr resolution..to be happy..for we are good people..we dun deserve such treatment..it is our hbs' lost for doing such things..

our conscious is clear..n we are able to stand straight n lift our head up high when we walk..they are the one who is guilty n did us wrong..

JIA YOU..hope we can get over this soon
frankly..though it is very difficult to save my own marriage..but i still hope tt ur hb will wake up..n come to you one day..
 
Hi forgetmenot,

HUGS....

My hb is out again with his frenz for drink...he says he duno how to face me...he knows tat i m miserable but he cannot 4get how i vent my anger at him...he never tell me all his unhappiness...he always shut himself up...he always spoil me...now, he tells me i m the one who cause him to stray...

i m so upset that he dun wan to give our marriage a 2nd chance...he choose to continue with the OW...when he is with me, he keeps on sms her...person with me but heart with her...

i really hate 2007...yes, we must be happy when the new year is here...

Hv u thot of going for a trip with him to see whether the feeling can come bk? Do u really want to continue your life like tat or do u thk u will b able to live happier without him ?

I duno whether my marriage will work...dun really hv much faith as days go...at the meantime...i just hv to try to heal myself...i thot of going for a short trip alone...calm myself & think thru...

U too...take care & will oso give u moral support...
 
dyingheart
Press on, it's not easy I know. I can imagine your pain, coz what i went thru is peanuts compared to yours, but that time i already felt my heart went cold.

It takes alot of courage to want to continue in the marriage, are u able to hv a heart to heart talk wif him? I asked myself what i will do if I am in your shoes, and i hv no answer. Perhaps in a fit of anger, i will walked out, but one part of us always love this man that we hv chosen to marry, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, the marriage vows and love that once binds two person.

I think this is what most likely i will do, continue in the marriage but give myself a time frame, but during this time frame, i will give all my best and love and if it still dun work, then maybe it's time to consider letting go. I am not encouraging you to give up, in fact where possible and if you can, continue to give your love to him.

Our date went pretty well. Next week we will be bringing our son (leaving my daughter at home) to HK for 4 days. Guess will be a good time to spend good familylife together and when nite falls after my son falls aslep, it will be couple time, hope by then both of us not so tired till dozed off as well..:p
 
dyingheart
Press on, it's not easy I know. I can imagine your pain, coz what i went thru is peanuts compared to yours, but that time i already felt my heart went cold.

It takes alot of courage to want to continue in the marriage, are u able to hv a heart to heart talk wif him? I asked myself what i will do if I am in your shoes, and i hv no answer. Perhaps in a fit of anger, i will walked out, but one part of us always love this man that we hv chosen to marry, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, the marriage vows and love that once binds two person.

I think this is what most likely i will do, continue in the marriage but give myself a time frame, but during this time frame, i will give all my best and love and if it still dun work, then maybe it's time to consider letting go. I am not encouraging you to give up, in fact where possible and if you can, continue to give your love to him.

Our date went pretty well. Next week we will be bringing our son (leaving my daughter at home) to HK for 4 days. Guess will be a good time to spend good familylife together and when nite falls after my son falls aslep, it will be couple time, hope by then both of us not so tired till dozed off as well..:p
 
dyingheart
Press on, it's not easy I know. I can imagine your pain, coz what i went thru is peanuts compared to yours, but that time i already felt my heart went cold.

It takes alot of courage to want to continue in the marriage, are u able to hv a heart to heart talk wif him? I asked myself what i will do if I am in your shoes, and i hv no answer. Perhaps in a fit of anger, i will walked out, but one part of us always love this man that we hv chosen to marry, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, the marriage vows and love that once binds two person.

I think this is what most likely i will do, continue in the marriage but give myself a time frame, but during this time frame, i will give all my best and love and if it still dun work, then maybe it's time to consider letting go. I am not encouraging you to give up, in fact where possible and if you can, continue to give your love to him.

Our date went pretty well. Next week we will be bringing our son (leaving my daughter at home) to HK for 4 days. Guess will be a good time to spend good familylife together and when nite falls after my son falls aslep, it will be couple time, hope by then both of us not so tired till dozed off as well..:p
 
dyingheart
Press on, it's not easy I know. I can imagine your pain, coz what i went thru is peanuts compared to yours, but that time i already felt my heart went cold.

It takes alot of courage to want to continue in the marriage, are u able to hv a heart to heart talk wif him? I asked myself what i will do if I am in your shoes, and i hv no answer. Perhaps in a fit of anger, i will walked out, but one part of us always love this man that we hv chosen to marry, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, the marriage vows and love that once binds two person.

I think this is what most likely i will do, continue in the marriage but give myself a time frame, but during this time frame, i will give all my best and love and if it still dun work, then maybe it's time to consider letting go. I am not encouraging you to give up, in fact where possible and if you can, continue to give your love to him.

Our date went pretty well. Next week we will be bringing our son (leaving my daughter at home) to HK for 4 days. Guess will be a good time to spend good familylife together and when nite falls after my son falls aslep, it will be couple time, hope by then both of us not so tired till dozed off as well..:p
 
dyingheart
Press on, it's not easy I know. I can imagine your pain, coz what i went thru is peanuts compared to yours, but that time i already felt my heart went cold.

It takes alot of courage to want to continue in the marriage, are u able to hv a heart to heart talk wif him? I asked myself what i will do if I am in your shoes, and i hv no answer. Perhaps in a fit of anger, i will walked out, but one part of us always love this man that we hv chosen to marry, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, the marriage vows and love that once binds two person.

I think this is what most likely i will do, continue in the marriage but give myself a time frame, but during this time frame, i will give all my best and love and if it still dun work, then maybe it's time to consider letting go. I am not encouraging you to give up, in fact where possible and if you can, continue to give your love to him.

Our date went pretty well. Next week we will be bringing our son (leaving my daughter at home) to HK for 4 days. Guess will be a good time to spend good familylife together and when nite falls after my son falls aslep, it will be couple time, hope by then both of us not so tired till dozed off as well..:p
 
dyingheart
Press on, it's not easy I know. I can imagine your pain, coz what i went thru is peanuts compared to yours, but that time i already felt my heart went cold.

It takes alot of courage to want to continue in the marriage, are u able to hv a heart to heart talk wif him? I asked myself what i will do if I am in your shoes, and i hv no answer. Perhaps in a fit of anger, i will walked out, but one part of us always love this man that we hv chosen to marry, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, the marriage vows and love that once binds two person.

I think this is what most likely i will do, continue in the marriage but give myself a time frame, but during this time frame, i will give all my best and love and if it still dun work, then maybe it's time to consider letting go. I am not encouraging you to give up, in fact where possible and if you can, continue to give your love to him.

Our date went pretty well. Next week we will be bringing our son (leaving my daughter at home) to HK for 4 days. Guess will be a good time to spend good familylife together and when nite falls after my son falls aslep, it will be couple time, hope by then both of us not so tired till dozed off as well..:p
 
dyingheart
Press on, it's not easy I know. I can imagine your pain, coz what i went thru is peanuts compared to yours, but that time i already felt my heart went cold.

It takes alot of courage to want to continue in the marriage, are u able to hv a heart to heart talk wif him? I asked myself what i will do if I am in your shoes, and i hv no answer. Perhaps in a fit of anger, i will walked out, but one part of us always love this man that we hv chosen to marry, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, the marriage vows and love that once binds two person.

I think this is what most likely i will do, continue in the marriage but give myself a time frame, but during this time frame, i will give all my best and love and if it still dun work, then maybe it's time to consider letting go. I am not encouraging you to give up, in fact where possible and if you can, continue to give your love to him.

Our date went pretty well. Next week we will be bringing our son (leaving my daughter at home) to HK for 4 days. Guess will be a good time to spend good familylife together and when nite falls after my son falls aslep, it will be couple time, hope by then both of us not so tired till dozed off as well..:p
 
dyingheart
Press on, it's not easy I know. I can imagine your pain, coz what i went thru is peanuts compared to yours, but that time i already felt my heart went cold.

It takes alot of courage to want to continue in the marriage, are u able to hv a heart to heart talk wif him? I asked myself what i will do if I am in your shoes, and i hv no answer. Perhaps in a fit of anger, i will walked out, but one part of us always love this man that we hv chosen to marry, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, the marriage vows and love that once binds two person.

I think this is what most likely i will do, continue in the marriage but give myself a time frame, but during this time frame, i will give all my best and love and if it still dun work, then maybe it's time to consider letting go. I am not encouraging you to give up, in fact where possible and if you can, continue to give your love to him.

Our date went pretty well. Next week we will be bringing our son (leaving my daughter at home) to HK for 4 days. Guess will be a good time to spend good familylife together and when nite falls after my son falls aslep, it will be couple time, hope by then both of us not so tired till dozed off as well..:p
 
aiyoyo
sorry it got posted so many times..my broadband hanged so i kept posting tought it never went through

SORRY
 
Hi Micky,

Thanks for your encouragement...i feel very dishearted cos i dun see a change in him...he simply dun wan to face me...imagine, Sun...he can go out 3 times just to avoid spending times with me...& 1 time is meeting her...when he is with me...most of his times is spend sms her...he even call her when i m ard...he tells her every single things btw us...

I feel tat we seems to be drifting further & further away....he has totally 4got about abt the vows we hv...i duno wat to do ? I try to shower with his love & concern...but wat i get is cold shoulder from him...feeling very very sad...

Initially, my time frame is 5 yrs then to 2.5 yrs..2 yrs...1 yrs & now i duno how long i can take it...cos it seems like he is the one who dun wan to give me the chance...he keeps on saying all the bad things i hv done to him...he remember them but he 4got abt the good things i hv done for him...sigh...
 
dyingheart
I'm very very sad for you, and i admire you for still staying in the marriage. How long hv they been together? Sorry to ask, hv they been to bed? Sometimes, some man need to lose what they hv b4 they wake up. If I'm you, I may hv given up long ago, coz I think each of us deserve better treatment. They say that for a man and woman to marry each other, there lot's of destiny for that to happen, I agree but having said that, if the marriage only brings agony and misery, then it may be necessary to reconsider. While I have said all this, in my heart I still would like to see a happy ending for you and your hubby.

Wishing you and all ladies here a Blessed Merry Christmas. And my wish for 2008 will be everyone here achieve happiness.
 


Dear all,

I am similiar to most of u here. Dun wosh to mention wat really happen. Mabe similiar to forget me not? No OW, at least nt now.. jus tat he say he has no more feelings and feelings will nt come back anymore. He has been asking for D since 2005 but i am the one holding on. Right now i am pretending we r jus frens but deep inside i still love him n long for him.. my #1 is born in 2005 and i am expecting my #2 in march 2008. Dun congrat me... guys do it out of their desperation while women do it out of love. He ask me to abort the bb but i refuse. Anyone like most of u here i am still holding on... hoping to salvage the marriage. And yes he has commit adultery... once in 2005, once last yr.. but it doesnt matter anymore... i guess we r nw jus status-quo... n him making lvoe to me is jus treating me as a free prostitute... hahaha... anyway right nw my attention is spend mostly on my gal and my preg.. oso duno wat else to do... jus holding on and holding on hoping tat one day i will touch him with all the things i have done for my kid.
 

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