forgetmenot, dying heart, flower:
i know it is very difficult, painful and tough.
we always ask ourselves:
1) we spent our youth with our husbands (7 yrs and more) and they enjoyed all of our prime
2) we bore them their children
3) we love them so much
4) we even finance their expenses
5) we stuck with them when they were down and out and building their careers
WHY DO THEY STILL DO THIS TO US?
how can they simply fall in love with another person in a matter of months and want to dump everything we have done together?
how can they be so irresponsible and hurtful and become such a different person totally?
how / when have they started to become the monster they are now?
the questions are endless yet unfortunately, there seems no answer to these questions.
we can go on and dwell on these questions forever and still have no answers.
there is enough negativity here ... in these past few days.
the more we "discover" what our husbands have been up to these days, the worse we feel. but do we not want to know? would our marriage be a big fat lie then by choosing not to know, to live in denial?
we can come here to pour out our sorrows and cry our hearts out but please remember to stay positive though i know it is very very tough to.
we are hurting, we talk to our friends, we are trying to cope. but we are women.
i spoke to my husband before and i realise that for men, their way of dealing with problems is very much different from ours. they choose to run away from reality, to get drunk, to immerse themselves in other forms of "pleasure" to numb their problems. but they cant go on like this forever.
you know your husbands best. have they always been the "bad and ugly person" that they are now? if they are, then who was it that we married?
we want to hurt our husbands for hurting us! we want to make them feel the pain that we are experiencing now, we want our "revenge". But is this really what we want? or we say it because we are angry and hurt?
forgetmenot:
my husband, when i asked him out for a movie, he would always turn me down even bark at me for being unreasonable because he was so tied up with work, he never took leave, let alone mc to spend time with me, yet like your husband, he took leave after leave to bring the other woman out.
before i found out about his affair, that time, my husband wasnt earning much so i helped him with his finances. i ended up paying for the car insurance, the petrol, his credit card bills. so that he could drive the woman all over singapore to have nice dinners and send her back to the other end of the island. i felt like a big fool,i pay for everything he spent on the woman!!
but if i keep thinking of all these, i will be miserable all the time.
dilemma:
you asked me how i could take him back after all that he has done to me and our little girl... i told him that if he really wanted to go, he has to end it with me. i said he has to be decisive and not let it drag any further because no one will gain from this.
i told him, so what if every one regarded him as irresponsible and a bastard.. because over time, another big scandal will come by and what he has done will be old news. if he really thinks the other woman was the one, his relationship with her would be a success and pp will come to realise that his marriage with me was a "mistake".
i told him, he might not love me but he couldnt stop me from loving him and i will always be there for him for as long as it takes. in my eyes, he will always be family because he fathered my child but whether he played out his role as a father was not an issue anymore.
i told him, his new "wife" will feel very uncomfortable when he visited his child, if he chose not to visit and i would understand and i would be honest to our little girl when she asked me where is daddy.
i told him, we make our own beds so we jolly well lie in them.
i didn't scream at him. in fact i said all these calmly and as a matter of fact.
he said he had no confidence that he could do it, that he could be nice and treat me like a wife, that he would love me. but i told him, its a risk.
we could try one more time, this time, knowing all of our faults and shortcomings or we could throw in the towel and kiss each other goodbye. but i said, i would do my best and so must he and if we just couldn't make it happen again, then at least we tried.
so when he did ask me to come back, i thought he had really turned around. but like i posted several days back, the weeks and months that i returned were hell!
he was still picking and sending her to work
he was still driving her to the train station every evening after their work
he was still going on dates with her
he was telling her he loved her
he would fall asleep at 9pm and i thought he was dead tired from working then i realised he was flirting with her for most of the time in the office and didnt really work.
i kept all these inside me.
once, my mum called me.. and she said i have become this timid woman who is always living in fear of my husband. i was always looking at my husband to see his reaction when something happened. i was afraid of making him angry so i always said no to my family.
i totally lost it! i screamed at my mom!! i couldn't believe that i lost my temper at my mom but i did. i told her i was under a lot of pressure at home. i always had to be this smiling and loving wife when i knew what was really going on. but i said i want to make things different; that i would not be that hysterical, crazy, angry wife (it wouldn't have mattered that i had all the reasons to be angry and crazy as he was still lying to me) to him, i would have just proven to him that things wouldnt work between us!
i didn't want my valid reasons to be angry to be used against me. in fact, i didn't want him to use anything against me. thats how i learned to stay calm. i come to realise that even if i am right, but if i didnt execute my plans, or phrase what i want to say amicably, even if i am right, it will still be used against me. its just like if i got slapped in the face, if i had taken matters into my own hands and retaliated, i would still be at fault. but if i had reported the matter to the police, then only 1 person would be charged for assault. do you get what i mean?
we cant fire with fire.. we cant lose our senses to our anger although we have every right to.
it is difficult i know. but how long can our husbands hold on to such decadent lifestyles? can we outlast them?
that was how i learned to be tolerant.
ladies, don't lose yourselves. fight yes but dont fight with our hearts. always remember, we think better when we are calm and we MUST learn to be calm.
honestly, if you ask me, the other woman isnt that perfect. if she really loves him like he believes, she will assert pressure on him and then it will be him running away from her.
flower:
tell your husband that your common friends saw him at that place with those women. tell him that you understand that he is hurting too and that he is trying to cope with his pain or troubles or whatever. but you are here to help. you want to help and ask him to give you that opportunity to take his pain away.
break him down with your gentleness not with your anger.
let our husbands remember the woman he fell in love with and married. keep working on it .. dun give up. not yet, not when you know you can still help it.