For the benefit of all that has been betrayed and working on building trust in the relationship.
Rebuilding trust after deception and lying is achieved by complete honesty about the infidelity. Voluntarily sharing all unavoidable encounters with the affair partner is an essential trust builder. Discussing the story of the affair is crucial for understand the meaning of the infidelity. Whatever a man's reason for wandering, his very first step toward recovery has to be a sincere apology for the pain he caused-- with no excuses. Telling the truth is critically important. Broad generalities are better than lurid details that the betrayed partner will never be able to forget. For the betrayed partner they is a painful need to know every little trifle-- and hear it over and over and over. One of the first task for the betrayal is to let you ask any question you want about the affair. The betrayal need to be more emotionally supportive than he has been in the past. "Going back to normal behaviour isn't enough, because there has been an injury " He needs to be more affectionate and attentive". He also needs to recreate trust by acting trustworthy and being honest even know it subjects him to a level of scrutiny he isn't used to, like calling when he is going to be late. The husband might feel resentful, but he needs to look at it differently. He is not a child reporting to a supervisor, he's a husband who hurt his wife and is helping her heal."
Also learnt from counselling session that one can forgive but can never forget. This is because once a person is traumatized, then the person will be like a time bomb, every little thing that will trigger the trust issue, the betrayed partner will be retraumatized.
What is forgiveness ?
Forgiveness is not forgetting or pretending it didn't happen.
Forgiveness is not excusing or condoning the behaviour.
Forgiveness is not reconciliation.
Forgiveness is not giving permission to continue the behaviour.
Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. If you are able to free yourself from the anguish and burden of the past, you will move forward in your life journey with a lighter step.
Forgiveness is a choice. You choose not to be held hostage in the present to the injustices that occurred in the past.
Forgiveness is a process; forgiveness is letting go of obsessiveness, bitterness and resentment; forgiveness is letting go of the pain; forgiveness is letting go of revenge and need to punish.
So, for me I have been telling myself if this were to happen again, I will definitely walk away but I did not. Counsellor ask why am I still in the relationship, and I got to know the reason being I do not have the courage to walk out. It takes lots of courage to say No and it requires even more courage when he says he don't want it to end and not a mutual let's just separate.
I know I have not forgiven him because I am still revengeful. I am doing whatever I can to hurt him so that he knows how it felt being betrayed. Right now, I feel he wants me to be around because I make a decent wife and a good daughter in law.
According to an article I have got from the counsellor
-people compare and confuse the intensity of being 'in love' during an affair with the secure, comfortable feeling of reality-based "loving" that occurs in long term relationships
-The feeling of being "in love" is linked to Stage I idealization, passion and infatuation
-True love, which you grow into, is characterized by acceptance, understanding and compassion. That is why so few people end up marrying their affair partner and those who do have an extremely high probability of divorce.
-Once the affair is no longer the forbidden relationship that takes place in a golden bubble, the cold light of day soon bursts the romantic fantasies.
"You must understand that the affair wasn't about how much more desirable the other woman was tan you are, " acknowledges Shirley Glass, Ph.D a Baltimore psychologist who specializes in infidelity research. "It was about how much he liked who he got to be while he was doing it."
Your recrimination can't go on forever. "A woman may not want to heal because she'll lose the upper hand that his guilt gives her in the relationship, " She builds a memorial to her pain and ends up pushing him away. The inability of a wife to let go of the pain can even provoke another affair. At some point, you have to let it go."
You need to work at maintaining your confidence and self-esteem by drawing from sources (friendships, work) other than just your marriage.
As for me I have been telling myself if this were to happen again after the prostitutes case last year, I will definitely walk away but I did not. Counsellor ask why am I still in the relationship, and I got to know the reason being I do not have the courage to walk out. It takes lots of courage to say No and it requires even more courage when he says he don't want it to end and not a mutual let's just separate.
To give up now would be like buying high and selling low. Even if you're still not sure whether the marriage can be saved, you shouldn't make your decision based on the lowest point in you relationship. Being the best partner you know how to be will maximize the potential. Then, if there is still too great a gap between what you archive together and what you expect, you can leave with the knowledge than you have truly given it your best.
If you are reluctant to initiate caring with someone who has disappointed you so much, you can focus instead on giving to the relationship. Every time you do something good for your partner, you are doing something good for yourself by making the relationship the benefactor of your giving. Don't wait for your partner to make the first move.
I hope to be able to move on but if really things just doesn't work out. At least, I know that I have put my best to it. And to answer the question I put to the title of this thread...from therapist point of view, a baby won't help to make the relationship better. You must have a good solid relationship before you bring a baby to this world.
I have not really decide what is the path for me. I have been taking it day by day. It has been 2 months since our first counselling session and I have been having this mixed feeling in me. One day I want to be out and another day things are good and I want to have a baby and a family with him (which is also what he wanted).
So, I was posted these question :-
- How long do I think I can do that ?
- What would happen that would me stay or go ?
- What are the things that is happening that are good ? In what why he demonstate that he is commited for you ?
Right now, he is away for business trip, and I have time on my own to really think everything over. This time I went to see the counsellor on my own and telling her that I planned to buy a thermometer to track my BBT, she said in a way I have already put a commitment into the relationship but for now I am still asking if that is really what I wanted because I also asked her how to build the courage to say NO.
Was asked why I am still in the relationship from the very first session. I am NOT financially dependent on him. I could have walked away anytime if I can get rid of my emotional attachment to him. Why didn't I ? Maybe because he is the only man in my life and I have never experienced a break up before. Or it is because I love him so much that I feel I can't live without him. However, I still believe there is other man out there who can be more worth my love. But why I am still with this man ? Maybe the last time it happenned, it was not so serious but now he know how hurt I am and he promised he will never let me down again.
I have been encouraging myself to move on last year since the betrayal with prostitude by telling myself you should be glad that now this has happenned, you won't be experiencing the worst...that is an affair. And now, the worst has occurred. I blame him for 'staining' the supposedly the most wonderful year of my life with this betrayal. I still have doubt if he will really change but deep down in me I think I believe he will and I am giving him a final chance.
