ANYONE SALVAGED A MARRIAGE AFTER HUSBAND COMMITS ADULTERY

[singlemomof3]

Attica: IMO, that would be what the men want us to think - that we are physically and emotionally unattractive after childbirth and it is all OUR fault.

Having a child is a life-changing event, not just for the mother, but for the father as well. However, it affects the mother a lot more, since she is the one bearing the pregnancy, labour and more often than not, the childcare.

Man by nature, male or female, is selfish. But women tend to be less selfish, especially with a baby to care for. Men tend to be more selfish, since he is giving up his sole claim on his woman, losing her partially to the child. Some men would step up and take his role as father, co-carer of the child. Others would take the chance to duck out and have the fun that is his "due right" since his "wife cannot provide". What's right and what's wrong?

 

[tanlengleng]

Question to wifes with husbands gone stray,
is there sexual intercourse during pregnancy,
or after confinement period?

 

[attica]

Dear Tan Leng Leng,

For me there is still SI during pregnancy and after confinement.But i just dun understand why he still finds the thrill of flirting with other women even though its only sms. But who knows if its true.

 

[tanlengleng]

attica,
I have a male friend who fling outside,
reason being his wife doesn't want him to even touch him after she gave birth...

Guess, it's still a "dun understand" thingy,
unless he decides to tell you why...

 

[090301]

hi leng leng ,

for me , my 1st trismeter is quite bad ... having morning sickness...
no SL throughout my pregnancy .. but we did have a mutual agreement ..he said he will respect me ...

sad to say, he lied to me .... he started his affair when my gal is just full mth old ....

we have SL after my confinment ... but shld says abt 1mth later ... ard when I go back to work....

I even wanted a no#2 ...... and was also trying .. lucky did not strike ....

 

[090301]

flower77,

I still have mood swing though is much better compare from the past...

do tears when alone even when travelling .... memories jus flood back...sianz.....

will u ?

 

[flower77]

090301

hugs...i do too....

but bad memories flow back naturally and that holds me back alot...

frankly.....a few guy friends did tell me before...its not how pretty or sexy the wife is...the thrill of having xxx with another woman is there...so its just natural reaction of men..depending on what extend they go to....

 

[dying_heart]

Hi ladies,

So many posts

Attica - I have one girl (19 mth)...my hb stray when she is just 15 mth...i told him b4 i wonder why my girl hv father like him ?...

Flower - Gd to hear abt how to treat him...he deserve it...man dun treasure us when we r with them until we decide to go...then they will start to regret and be more kan cheong...ur hb is like tat now...I agree, outside woman is "new exposure" mah...they see our body until sian oredi...so got new body..definitely won't want to miss it...

090301 - hugs...will definitely hv mood swing...even for me who are still in the marriage but we manage to survive...i heard some ppl who try to hurt themselves when they found out abt the affair...take sleeping pill, cut themselves...

hey, I m thinking maybe we can all meet up someday to form our very own "support group"

Leng Leng - We don't hv SI when I m pregnant..think we only hv it on my 3rd month of confinement...u pregnant now? 1st one?

 

[tanlengleng]

090301,
hiaz... the "mutual agreement" didn't work out...

dying_heart,
can that be why, cause he needs to release?
Yah, pregnent now.

 

[attica]

Isn't all the body is the same? Wats the difference??It is just the feeling of new positions and things...eeks..I told my hubby if he wants to play outside, he better not come back and touch me as I do not want to be contaminated too...

Dying heart, Yup, I think we should meet up and discuss how we can really deal with these men...**Angry**

Leng Leng,
How many months are u pregnant now?when i had my first baby, my hubby never ever wana touch me at all, even though I initiated it. He got very agitated everytime I touched or even kissed him...Well, I am 8 months pregnant now. I hope to meet up with u gals when i give birth...cheers

 

[tanlengleng]

attica,
Around 7 mths bah,
EDD in June.

 

[090301]

LengLeng,

Congrats!

U don't anyhow think hor.... pregnancy time try to hv positive thinking....

Btw, is a bb gal or boy ?

 

[tanlengleng]

090301,
Thank you,
BB's a boy,
ya lor, pregnant liao tends to think wildly...

 

[dying_heart]

Attica,

To man, it makes a different...boosting of their ego as well...

Leng Leng,

Congrats & stay positive....

 

[tanlengleng]

IMHO,
STDs are created to punish MEN,
but many wifes & children ended up as victims...

 

[dying_heart]

MEN are terrible creature....they like to screw ard & those "slut & bitch" out there allow them to do it. Someone ever told me, WOMEN, instead of being united, they become our worst enemy...sigh

 

[flower77]

hello ladies

hugs for everyone....

we have to be strong for our own sake, our babies and the ppl who loves us

hmm...agree we shld meet up and do something....bring our kids along....they can play together if age allows and we can chat chat..heeee

past few nites he been sending me alot more text messages asking me where am i and where is son etc...then says he misses us alot..cant wait to see us this coming weekend....sigh... why now....then the other day i replied..i tot u wanted it this way..u r free to screw around get drunk and wake up in whoever's bed and no one will be bothered abt it..and dun need to answer or get nagged for it..u shld be happier marh..he replied no...then replied dat no one knows he feel pain and cry every nite after everyone gone to bed cos he lost us and misses us....total crap....

 

[attica]

flower77
please dun be soft hearted and give way to him. I know its easier said than done. Sigh...I, myself always give in after a few sweet talks and promises from him. How i wish i was abit stronger.

Yesterday, one of my female colleagus who have 2 sons, aged 4 and 7 found out that the husband is flirting outside. She saw smses and pictures of them together...Why??Worse the woman is a fillipino...This makes me think of my husband.

Dont you find that its such a common issue that people around us are facing now? Why men cannot resist temptations??

 

[staff]

flower:
that is the doc jekyll and mr hyde in him..

a part of him wants to do the right thing but that evil part of wanting to be irresponsible and have fun is too overwhelming. sad to say, dr jekyll only appears when the senseless man is alone and being abandoned by his ladies.

my husband used to send me such messages too; about how fortunate i was to have the support of my family, his family, my friends, his friends... while he had no one and only his miserable self.

YA!! but when he was out with the other woman, he was VERY happy.

 

[dying_heart]

flower,

Be strong & dun fall for his "trick"...unless, he can prove that he is really repenting...otherwise, don't ever let him hurt you again...

Attica,

Ppl no longer value marriage and the vows that we make...until today, I still haven't wear back my ring...becos I think our marriage is still on a "trial"...

staff,

Agree, they say one thg and do another thgs...my hb used to tell me he is very guilty & his heart pain seeing me so miserable...but he still go out with the OW having fun...

 

[090301]

flower77,

i also received similar sms from my gal's father ..
and same the i replied him.. and he also reply the similar sms like ur ex.

***arugh***

 

[flower77]

ladies..

i think in general all men are the same......i totally agree with ur comments...kekekeke....

he used to promise heaven and earth too...but when the temptation of other women sink in,...he goes in a coma.....brain not working..hahahahaha.....

 

[attica]

Gals,

I have decided to give him another chance after some talk last week. He admitted that he just want the thrill of ''hooking'' up with the gals and after that he will let go. And he is willing to give up this thrill for the family....blah blah.....Is it really that exciting to hook up?
OH NO...M I going to make another BIG mistake of my life?I am so confused

I spoke to one of my male colleagues and he said that sometimes its not the men who wanted all these. He received a couple of smses from other married female friends asking him to be their part time Lover...I just think that this is like a cycle...

Men go for OW, Wife found out, Wife go find OM...

 

[dying_heart]

flower,

Man use their "bro" to think, not brain when there are temptation in front of them...kekeke

Attica,

Since your hb is repenting...no harm giving him another chance...stay positive!

 

[marjassg]

Attica, although it's right to give him a chance, but don't let down your guards. This time u have to be extra alert as he will be more careful and discreet.

 

[attica]

I know that i must always be on guard. I always wana check on incoming smses esp when its late at night or early in the morning..thus i am like becoming very paronaid esp now that i am going to give birth...

I just dunno how to forget the moments that he flirts with other women...We are always in dilema right? We can always forgive but can never forget....

 

[marjassg]

yes, it easy to forgive but it never easy to forget.

You should think abt your baby, don't stress yourself so much

 

[dying_heart]

Attica,

Forgive and forget doesn't go together - someone told me...You can forgive someone but you will never be able to forget the hurt that they have caused you.

Frankly speaking, I don't think I have forgive my hb completely cos I am still very angry, hurt & sad over what he has done whenever I think back. Maybe, one day I will finally forgive him. But I will never forget and I don't intend to forget becos it's a life lesson that I have learn and remind myself not to make the same mistakes to make him stray.

 

[attica]

Dying Heart:
I know how you feel... I can laugh with him and suddenly when i think of how he can also make other women laugh the same way as I do, I got mad and I will feel hurt...Maybe its my mood swing.......

 

[attica]

Dying heart:
So how are things going on btwn you and ur hubby now?is it better?

 

[staff]

i would like to share something...

my husband's affair happened in 05 to 06 ... we got back together in 06 but there was a lot of distrust still and i learned to "spy" on a lot of things.. even his movements at work as the other woman is his colleague..

i only recently decided to stop spying on him at work.. and his chats with her.

i decided to stop because my spying was consuming me .. i couldnt work properly because i was constantly monitoring his chat logs and although there is nothing much now except for the office gossips and complaints, i still get upset because i still catch him in his lies.

like he said he applied for a job with a male colleague who was a very close one. then i found out that the male colleague didnt apply but it was the other woman who did. i was naturally upset with his lies still but what can i do? i cant confront him directly. i can only fume at work and get really frustrated. and my work was very affected.

from a professional viewpoint (my colleagues and bosses) they think i have become very slack and inattentive. for the 2 years, i was like that.

then i told myself to stop spying. i so want to know what goes on in his office and his contact with her and although i dont like their intimacy; she goes to toilet to poo she will tell him. there is really NOTHING i can do about it. and if i am upset at home which used to be often, i cant scold him to get it off my chest.

so i decided to stop tormenting myself and get my life back. the other woman has ruined my life once. i am not going to let her ruin my life again by my constant spying on them.

for the past 2 days, instead of looking at their chat logs, i did my work. and i intend to get better at my work.

as long as i continue to be nice at home to my hub .. and all i said in my posts earlier on in this thread, and give my hub no reason to find excuses to look else where for attention, i have to let certain things go.

ladies,
i know it is very difficult to completely trust our hubs after what they did, we must try. it is difficult at first... will even feel that we are taking 1 step infront and moving 2 steps back, dun give up.

do i suffer relapses? YES. there are still times when i suddenly remembers the hurt he caused me. the lies he told.. and my tears will well up.. it can happen anywhere.. when i am at work, on the train back.. in the showers.. watching tv.. sometimes, i find myself even cursing him for doing what he did.

but the frequency will lessen.

i have learnt to count the little blessings.. no matter how little and celebrate small achievements. how small.. very small .. like if he says he wants to take leave .. even just for a day or he suggests to pick me up from work. i learnt not to take things for granted.

 

[dying_heart]

Attica,

Yes, we are getting better in term of communication and he treats me better now as well...show more concern (no intimacy)...but I still can't & don't trust him completely...my mind will run wild if I see him holding his HP when he watch TV or out working over the wkend...cos he told me tat he wants me to respect him the right of making friend...which means he still want to be frenz with the OW...

I have to accept the fact that I am no longer the exclusive woman in his life becos he has allowed himself to fall for another woman...sigh...

Staff,

Thanks for the sharing...very encouraging for those who are still staying on the marriage...

I guess the impact is too great that we will never be able to get it out of our mind completely...i cry whenever I thk of the happy moments b4 this...becos I really miss the man who has not strayed...

 

[staff]

... after so long, now that things are fine between my hub and me... and after my post last night,

i actually had a nightmare!

dreamed about the other woman too.. she was sitting between my hub and me physically but she is also between us on another level. she was talking to my husband and they were so happy, laughing. I cant remember what they were talking about but i was sitting there, quiet and crying.

my husband in my dream, was completely ignoring me and they were just going on about their talking.

then i got "mad" and said really nasty things to them both. i threatened my husband that i would do things to the other woman too.. i completely lost it.

maybe its my subconscious telling me something.. maybe i have been suppressing so many things that it finally came exploding in my dreams. i havent had such dreams in a long time.. and very funnily, it happened just when i decided to "let go"

guess i am more affected than i thought i would be.

i know many of us are struggling ... and even though my hub has come back, our relationship is doing well and all.. i am still haunted by the experience.

for how long will i be haunted still? i really dont know.

 

[dying_heart]

Staff,

Hugs...I can understd where are you coming from...I am also living under the shadow of their affair (insecure, paranoid & lack of confidence)...but like u say...it's a dream...the dream is usually opposite of the reality...remember you told us...be positive!

You know it's not our lost for losing our hb...it's their lost for losing us...they should count themselves lucky that we are still staying on...

 

[090301]

staff,

is still a blessing if the marriage can be save .... any if there is a child involve .. is also better for the child .

Sad to say... I can't .... THought is happened in NOv 06 ... I do feel better ... but no one actually know that I will tear at night & having nightmare .. ( even dreamt abt them having Sxx togather...

Those video clips that I saw still floating in mind on & off ....

Even I can forgive him for the sake of my gal in the future years .. maybe another 5-10 years down the road ... I will not forget those clips ....

NEVER in my LIFE .

 

[staff]

090301:
no.. i also have photos and clips. my PI didnt really do a good job.. he got caught by my hub ..

but i have seen enough.

i will never be able to forget what i saw. but i dont think of them. i used to be very consumed with him and her and what they did.. what they are still doing.. but i also come to realise that i am killing myself.

like how i turned my relationship around with my hub, i now decide to do the same with my professional life. i am trying to fix another part of my life that had gone wrong with his affair.
its so unfair. my EVERYTHING went wrong with his mistake. sigh...

remember what i said, no one can change anything .. only ourselves. i am not letting anyone ruin my life anymore.

 

[090301]

staff ,

ur also got those photos & clips ?

Why can they just hurt us ????

AT that very day when I saw them naked in our house .... that's really a blow to me ....

not saying after watching those video clips that they are doing... is more than 10

 

[staff]

090301:
sad .. but what to do? it has happened.

we cant change the past, only our future.

i try not to think about them.. makes me upset.. and definitely not healthy. i have come to realise that our minds are very powerful and we can do even the impossible.

let the hurt rush through you.. let the pain run its course. but you must be ready to move on.

i only just started moving on after so long and after so much damage to my own life.

 

[dying_heart]

090301 & staff,

No doubt I didn't saw them in action...but the hotel bill & their hugging foto can KILL me as well...

Sometimes, I think back...I really wonder how I manage to survive those darkest hours when I know tat he is with her...tat B will give him love bites on his shoulder...kinda show off to me...I really HATE it at the thot of her disgusting behaviour...

My life is in a mess...only lately..i started to pick myself up...but there are moment when I still feel weak & breakdown...the hurt is too much for me...I hate the betrayal...

I really hope that times will heal my deeply injured wound...however, i know that the scars will still be there till the day I die...

 

[buttersc0tch]

the only advise to give now is forget him n move on..

its not ez.. but we gotta do it..

i had done it liao cos i keep on telling myself... there is no longer any future n he will still hurt me again lor if i dun let go..

 

[flower77]

it takes a long time for these wounds to ever heal and for us to stop feeling anymore pain....

i feel myself going into depression... perhaps its cos i cannot accept the fact dat he is now staying at the other woman's hse with her son, she just got separated from her husband oso....yet he continues to lie to me that he is staying at colleagues hse and that he and that woman have nothing to do with each other purely friends.....dat woman even have the guts to use his handphone to sms me nonsense....wad audacity.....

 

[marjassg]

flower, maybe u should tell him off what is the women doing. are u all legally divorced?

 

[flower77]

hi Mar

i asked him, he said the woman wanted to message me so he passed his phone to her. no we are not legally divorced..he havent even sign the separation papers

 

[marjassg]

if he is not married and staying with the women why don't u get some evidence against him. If he is really unfaithful to you after u give him many chances, plan your move.

 

[attica]

How long are you going to endure all these nonsense till?He has his own family but he chose to take care and be with another family that is not his. I think seriously there is no point to wait.

 

[dying_heart]

Flower,

Are you still pinning some little hope that he will repent & come back ? He is too much, don't want to sign the papers & yet so openly being with the OW....I realise tat all these 3rd parties (esp those who also have prob with their hb - separation) will try ways & means to make our hb theirs since they hv lost their hb in the first place...

I simply dun understd that they themselves being thru the heartache & yet they want to cause others the heartache...does that make them happier or a winner to steal other ppl hb ?

 

[flower77]

i oso dunno..am trying to move on with my own life...

some men and women simply love the thrill of breaking up other ppl family cos theirs been broken..they feel that sense of satisfaction and victory and feel it boost their ego barh...

 

[flower77]

till today..he still deny he with dat woman lor..he kept saying they only friends....

 

[marjassg]

get evidence and he can't denied liao

 

[babypooh]

hi everyone
I still cannot get over it since 2006 Oct, on and off I will think of it.
Sometimes I will show face to my hubby and sometimes I will be nice to him.
I hate it when he tells me he is joining his frens at pub etc.
The trust level cannot be built fully .
What shall I do? I know it is good to let go and move on but all these memories will stay forever!