ANYONE SALVAGED A MARRIAGE AFTER HUSBAND COMMITS ADULTERY

Discussion in 'Matters Of The Heart' started by i ask, Sep 29, 2006.

  1. i ask

    i ask Guest

    Hi

    Anyone here found out your husband had a woman outside, confronted and decided to reconcil.

    What are the difficulties?
    And are you really able to forgive and forget.
    What had been changed after this?
    Really able to win back GONE LOVE?

    I hope to get feedback on all this, as i am going thru it now. There is a woman that exist i have not confronted him yet as i still gathering evidence.
  2. may  i ask

    may i ask Guest

    Hi

    How long hv they been together?

    Mine i found out but their r/s only started for abt 3 / 4 mths.

    I confronted him and he admitted and apologized to me, immed they stop seeing each other, i'm veri sure of it cos i hv read the sms the gal send to him.

    I forgave him and now he try veri hard to built our home again. and our r/s oso improve miles
  3. xian1_1

    xian1_1 New Member

    its easy to fogive.. but it take time to forget..

    i become very paronoid, insecure..

    still on the healing journey..
  4. same as xian1_1 too.
    but lost trust in him already cos my hubby betrayed me not only one but several times.
  5. lala

    lala Active Member

    i have been thr that.

    now expecting our first bb..
  6. i ask

    i ask Guest

    I have no idea how long already but i feel it has been a while. I used to give him 100% trust and has no doubt at all that he will be a faithful husband and tot he is working so hard for the family, he runs his own business. Who knows his so call "BUSY" enables him to have free time for sluts.
    Sign... perhaps you may want to read up more about my story in another heading. "I HIRED PI TO CHECK ON MY CHEATING HUSBAND" and perhaps give me some advice on what you will do ....
  7. aaaaa

    aaaaa New Member

    As least he apologised and reconcile... better than those who never admit it
  8. bbbbb

    bbbbb Guest

    aaaaa

    he admit it because he can't deny it..

    if woman didn't find out anything, of course the man will not admit lah...
  9. may i ask

    may i ask Guest

    ya agree wif bbbbb

    man not tat stupid to admit 1 lah.. wat for if they still can keep other party in the dark.

    We woman always giv 100% trust but in the end we r the one who suffers really frozen our hearts.

    From this forum more n more gals r having same probs really veri sad to noe.

    If really I can choose again, i rather stay single!!!
  10. Hi,

    Recommending this book for those who are hurting and healing from affairs. It's written by an experienced clinical psychologist and marriage counsellor, Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr

    "Surviving an Affair"
    - Dr. Willard F. Harley, Dr. Jennifer
    Harley Chalmers

    I also find this an extremely helpful book:

    "His Needs, Her Needs - Builing an Affair-Proof Marriage" - also by Dr. Willard F. Harley


    It'll take time to read, understand and practise the principles and building blocks for a good marriage, but i believe it'll be worth your time.
  11. estben

    estben Active Member

    So sorry to have hear this.

    When it comes to unfaithful its really sadden and ache the heart. Have anyone ever think about before marriage, after marriage promoise seem so sweet, romantic and promising but than always end up saddening...... That's y i always encourage my friends around me not to trust marriage will last forever Especially in this society NOW, be independent and dont rely on our husband is the best. They can tell us hundred of sweet pies but how many % can be trusted? Men nowadays cannot be compare with to our parents, grandparents time anymore.

    To forgive is easy like xian1_1 mentioned is the forget and healing part. Can we assure that this will not happen again who can guarantee? THe ans is NOBODY! Even thought u might forgive now, how to ensure the trust is there, by following 24hrs dont work than how? the ans is within the heart. Follow your heart, if you really think forgiving him can salvage than go ahead, otherwise.....there is no turning back. This question really make a person in real dilemmA.

    Always remember dont forgive because of forgive. You must determine y u forgive him children? Marriage? The love within? Or.. In a marriage opportunities not seized = opportunities missed.
  12. happyxin

    happyxin New Member

    Hi esther and all,

    agree with you esther. I used to think marriage is forever.. but I have come to realise that the person who has vowed to stay faithful and be with you in good times or bad, in sickness or in health, cannot be totally relied on.
    It is always best to make yourself strong and be prepared that one day, you may be alone...

    When my hubby and I were courting, he betrayed me with AFFAIRS time and again. It didn't stopped even when I was pregnant with my gal. But he seemed regrateful upon the birth of my baby gal. I felt hurt, very hurt and so hurt that I was absolutly repulsive of him.

    but after i cooled down, i still feel that tinge of love for him and honestly, also cos my baby gal, I decided to give him another shot. I don't want to look back and regret that I didn't work on this r/s for my own and my baby's sake.

    he did try hard to mend my heart but till now, though, the hurt is gone but the scars and cracks still remain. He's still quite flirtatious, which i hate but i can see that he is making effort in wanting our r/s to be good.

    its hard and dilemmic, but i put my best effort in him and in our r/s but on the other hand, i also make sure that I am strong enough, in terms of health, financial and emotion.

    It's difficult, i am sure all you ladies understand what i mean. but i have made my choice to live with no regrets, so i will work on our marriage for everyone's sake. I just took it that he made a mistake but has repented. jus have to ensure that should i need to fly solo, my wings are strong enough.
  13. i was in your shoes once.

    i chose to forgive my hubby after he admitted and promised to work on our marriage. it was very rough initially. i was so full of hatred and many questions just surfaced. during the inital stage, he was the one trying hard to gain my trust, whereas i immersed myself in hurt, anger, sorrow and self-pity. it was really tough.

    i am able to half-forgive but cannot forget. i cannot forget the details of the affair but i can control not to think about it.

    many things have changed. i think we treasure each other more now. i must say that my hubby does treat me very well last time. he thought that by spending time and money on me meant loving me. what he didnt realise is that his heart must be there. he also admitted that he has taken our love for granted. he told me that he is sure i will forgive him if i discover his affair! after all the hoo ha, he said he finally know what is love.

    throughout all these months, i will try to squeeze some thoughts out from him so as to understand him better. he said that this affair originated out of lust and curiousity. i believe him. i know his character. but i never thought that he will put it to a test. i ask if it was exciting to be in an affair. he said no cos it is full of guilt. it is like being a thief in action.

    your last question about GONE LOVE. i think not all love is gone when there is an affair. if your hubby returns, it meant there are still love. ultimately, it is the onus of the betrayed wife to decide whether it is worth keeping the marriage.

    i do not wish to regret later on. life is never forever smooth sailing. we are sure to encounter situations whereby it goes against our wishes, be it in good or bad directions.

    why count our losses before making an effort? i believe if both parties are willing to forgive and move on, the marriage will work.

    everyone has a different equation on what constitutes a happy marriage. just set your own and work hard on it.

    i am working hard on it now. i hope you will too.
  14. deepsea

    deepsea New Member

    It depends on how long they have been together.. Mine, they've together for almost 9 years.. only recently I found out.. but previously, he's betrayed me once and it took me almost 10 years to really got tired and forgive him... I'm not sure really in my heart if I've already forgiven him or just got tired of it or simply I cant forget it.

    Well, you may want to do an experiment like throwing a glass onto the floor.. what happens? the glass breaks. Can you glue the broken pieces together? yes, but with broken lines... so it's the same. If you reconcile, you need to camouflage the lines.. but it will always be there.

    Sometimes, giving a second chance is also a good thing.. your hubby may really cherish you again for loosing you once. (if you understand what i mean).

    It all depends on yourself... how much do you know him? I tried 17 years to change a person and my final verdit is I'M STUPID! NO ONE'S PERSONELITY CAN BE CHANGED!

    Take care and don be like me.
  15. rational

    rational Guest

    Do you think he's the only one at fault in the r/s?

    Maybe it's you who did not give the attention he needs. So please do not think it is always the man's fault.

    Sometimes it's us women who neglect our husbands that they find other women to talk, seek comfort which may lead to other undesirable things.

    So please think abt it.
  16. m

    m Guest

    rational,

    nothing justify cheating. There may be things in the relationship that contribute to him staying but if he had treasure the marriage he should have taken steps to make things better rather than going to someone else for comfort.

    its not always the man's fault that a marriage is not good. but a person only have himself to blame if they take that step that make a not so good marriage on the brink of breaking down.
  17. ys

    ys Guest

    How can you tell that yr hubby is cheating?
  18. lala

    lala Active Member

  19. yateee

    yateee New Member

    Hi

    My HB went to the extend of even swapping his SIM card so that I wont be able to smell his infidelity. As he was in the Uniform, he would gave excuses such as his superior was around and so he had to switch his hp off..

    He worked rotating shifts and off days, we seldom met and being alone at home, I slept over at my parents and only came back with our son on weekends just to see him slept his afternoon away before he dashed off for work.

    The day finally came when the girl's husband found them out and informed me. He even brought them to our house after calling my In laws and the girls family members.. It turned out that the girl is our close relative, his own cousin.

    The world shattered before me when the "lovers" admitted loved each other and my husband willing to take care of her 2 young children.

    I remembered I was 4 months preggie then. With all the heartbreaks, I lost my baby at 20 weeks..

    The incident woke my husband up. He realised that he never, not even once accompany me to the gynae. He missed listening to our boy's heart beat. He missed it when I got admitted and delivered our boy (induced) and he missed looking at him before my family arranged for the funeral (we are muslims)..

    He realised that he was busy looking after someone else children at the expense of loosing his own..

    My In laws BEG me to accept him back and to give him another chance.. I tried but the wound is always there. To forgive yes, but to forget NEVER.. The trust is no longer there.. This marriage is only an empty shell.. Looks colourful and bright on the outside, but when break open its dull and so dark inside..

    We can even not talk to each other at a stretch of 3 days cos we dont have anything to say. The affair not only affect us, but had also strained our relationship with all extended families and relatives.
  20. mum22boys

    mum22boys New Member

    Hi yatee.... I am sorry to hear about your lost of the baby. My heart reaches out to you. However, I trust that time will heal your wound as each day goes by.... Are you both still together?
  21. yateee

    yateee New Member

    Mum22boys
    Yes, we are still together, but our marriage is too fragile, just waiting to break..
  22. cookiemonsta

    cookiemonsta New Member

    i am 7 mths pregnant and found out that my husband has been visiting prostitutes.
    He's a perfect husband and his behaviour will shock everyone.
    He's been living this double life even before we met.
    He wants a chance but I'm filing for separation now. We've only been married less than a year.
    The thing i wanna say is, stay strong and believe in yourself. If this man is not good enuf, move on...
    Don't let situation make decision for you and left you with no choice, make a choice, make a choice to be happy with yourself.
    We complete ourselves and happiness shud be within our own control. not depending on someone else's.
  23. yateee

    yateee New Member

    Hi Monsta
    I really admire your courage. How I wish I can be like you. But I am not that brave.
  24. cookiemonsta

    cookiemonsta New Member

    hi yatee,
    i understand what you are going through..
    what are your fears??
    are you financially independent?
    my situation is worse, we just relocated to another country, i haf no frens and family here...
    be strong and think for yourself and your kids.
    if there's anything i can help, lemme know... gizbabe@gmail.com
  25. mum22boys

    mum22boys New Member

    Hi yatee... I agree with monsta. I may not be in your shoes to totally understand how it all feels. Hence I am not in a position to advise you. However, I do believe that everyone deserves happiness and that includes you too. The first step is always hard to make, however, once you made that very first move, everything else will seem effortless. We may not see the reason for all things that happened to our lives right now, but I do believe that in future you will then understand it all. Its just like we never do understand why our parents are protective or naggy.... but now that we are parents we do know the reason. I wish you all the best... and I know that you too can be as strong as anyone else. In fact, your first step will give a lot of courage to others who may be in your shoes....just as monsta did.

    Monsta... I admire your courage and I trust that you will continue to be strong.
  26. teenoyl

    teenoyl Member

  27. yateee

    yateee New Member

    Hi Monsta & Mum

    Yesterday, HB dropped the bomb. He said maybe we should go and file for divorce as early as this Thursday.

    His terms: sell our flat and get own share, full custody of our 6 yo son. He doesnt want any marriage counselling as he had made up his mind and he wanted to finalise everything ASAP.

    I did ask if he had a girlfren. He said no. He said he was not in love with me anymore and he was tired on pretending.

    This morning when he was in the toilet, I checked his SMSes.. Lots a "I miss U".. When I called the no, I was surprised that it was a different lady. She was single and claimed that my HB told her he was a divorcee with a full custody of his son!!

    I dont know how I feel right now. Felt so numb. One part of me was so sad and depressed but the other part sighed with relief as I felt like we finally had reached its closure. But one thing for sure, I will NEVER give up my son..
  28. 99mm

    99mm New Member

    Yatee,

    I am so sorry to read your mail. Makes my blood boils when I read what your HB did.

    No, you don't need to give up your son. And I think You should file for divorce against him on the grounds of unreasonable behavior/ adultry. Make sure he pay you maintenance. If you can, take pictures of his phone with those sms and collect evidence.

    There is no way he can get full custody unless there is grevious circumstances. Do gather evidence to show you are the main care giver of your boy. Please take care of yourself and your health and your boy.
  29. mooonfairy

    mooonfairy New Member

    My hubby does the same too. But the difference is.. he give me FULL custody of the child.

    When i ask if got 3rd part he jus say no. When i check his hp it state otherwise. Also his lame excuse for divorce is also he dun love me anymore. I ask to see counselling he rejected too.

    He say he give me a lot of time already. we jus met our 3 yr wedding anniversary so he can file.. he say he dun wan make things bad.. hope to part peacefully.

    Anyway Yatee, dun give in to him. If not what u can do is counter contest his divorce. In this way u can get max custody of benefit for yr child n custody of the child too. If not let him sign the deed of sepparion.. within this 3-4 yrs he still pay for yr maintenance but he cannot remarry. Tat wat i am intendng to do...
  30. mum22boys

    mum22boys New Member

    Hi yatee...How did you feel after reading the sms??? Angry or betrayed? Or upset? If you are angry thats good because you will then have the drive to fight for your child's custody and do whatever you need to to get justice done. I have many friends who actually felt upset to the point whereby they are willing to forgo everything and just do as the ex-hubby says because they are too down to do anything. But after some time later, they realised that they were silly but it was too late to do anything then cause everything has been finalised. If you truly is angry, then I am happy for you because I know sometimes through anger then only we could get things done. I believe at this point your son is the most important to you. Hence please do anything possible to get custody of him and what 99mm mum said is true. You need evidence of the adultery. Jot down in a diary now the daily findings. MUST get alimony because of your son!!!
    Take care and be strong and courageous!
  31. cookiemonsta

    cookiemonsta New Member

    Hi yatee,
    I know it's difficult but you have to have a clear head now...
    Focus on what you want or need after divorce.
    Do you want to have custody of your kids? Do you need maintanence after divorce??
    Think about all this first, cos it's the most practical thing to deal with...
    Deal with your emotions later.... He's made it very clear that he wants out..Don't be in denial..Even if you keep this marriage, you won't be happy and so is he... So you gotta think what's best for you and your kids without him...
    There's lotsa support you can get, especially here... talk to somebody... go out wif your frens... get some positive energy...
  32. 99mm

    99mm New Member

  33. buffer

    buffer New Member

    Hi yatee,

    U r v brave & been trying veri hard to keep it going. It like alot ppl are going through this & we are not alone.

    I came across this thread. Previously I think abt Jan i have start a thread too on hbs been unfaithful.

    My case, since last yr july before our customary, my hb do e same to mi. E gal doesnt know he is married at all! This gal she herself is married too! I don understand y.. den she left him after i talk to her. i say if she wan i can jus leave BT she is jus looking for fun & pushes alll blame to my hbs. HE regret n tried ways to make mi trust him.

    After customary in july 2005, IN Dec 05,, i discover pregnant. At the same time i lose my job & found him panky again wit those online messenger gal. I wanted to divorce him straight cos I been giving chances n chances. He seek forgiveness n for e sake of my unborn bb.. i gave him a chance again.

    TILL TODAY! Our little gal was born in AUG, I found him panky again.. same online.. I was totally devasted now. I jus cry n cry. I wanted to kill myself n end everything BUT when I saw my bb gal pic, i stop e action by swallowing any medicines & cut my wrist. She is the pillar for mi. I tell myself, i must try to stand.

    I calm myself down. Ask him y he do it again? THE SAME OLD EXCUSE.. stress! WAt sort of excuse? In sg all is stress in work & family etc. DEn wat hurts mi more is he say "giving birth to bb doesnt mean anything!" It strikes my heart deep in..

    Now i trying to sort out my thoughts. I told him either a separation or divorce. I don wish to live in a world of deception or fear. I even suggested counselling to him & stress management.

    Sometime we willing to put an effort to improve situations BUT if another party is not willing too.. wat else can we try to do...

    We jus gotta b strong no doubt how. After a big cry, pack our emotions & ask ourselves wat to do N how to get on life....
  34. yateee

    yateee New Member

    Hi all

    Thxs for the encouragement. I realised that I am not alone.. Men!!

    My HB still at our matrimony home cos he said he had no where to go. His girlfren dumped him and he is now trying hard to be nice to me so that I can accept him back.

    But too bad. He already said those magic words "he doesnt love me anymore"... He tried talking me into going for counselling but I am now 50/50..

    I know he would NEVER change. Once he got new girl, this heartpain will start all over again. I really wanted to end it all now when we got the chance to.

    But I got to think of my 2 sons... They are still so young!

    U girls know what? I had a template pasted on my keyboard saying : Stop thinking about him.. Concentrate on your work!

    When my mind strayed and I thought of him, I just stopped and focused on my work. It helps that I now felt calmer and the feeling of uncertainty had gone. I felt more couraged to stand up for myself and my sons.

    Yes Cynthia, I had a good cry. I did pack my emotions away and now that I know I am in control, I felt at least better now.
  35. buffer

    buffer New Member

    Hi Yatee,

    Sometime it is so hard to get back to life again. ESP into trusting them again.

    Had A SERIOUS talk wit hb. Starting he was so reluctant to talk. He bought all fav stuffs for mi to eat which i jus ignore. COS such things happen not oni once, twiceBUT THRICE. I tell myself i cant bring to forgive him.

    POOR THING IS E KID.

    Den finally he still didnt response on e talk. I told him if so.. den divorce or separate LET HIM CHOSE, since he say he wan e woman n a wife! WHERE got such benefits I ALSO WAN! DEN I WALK off to bb room.. HE CAME IN AFTER AWHILE telling mi he dono wat is up wit him la, he stress on work la etc. EVERYTIME HE USING stress as excuse N didnt even feel sorry.

    DEN HE TOLD MI, he wanted this family. I SAY HE WAN N LOVE IS different. HE say he still love mi (which i hear till sian) BUT THIS ROUND he told mi he willig to go counselling & stresss managmenet & even take up courses like exercise or yoga or watever wit mi to realli learn to relax.

    I GAVE HIM E CHANCE.
    WE are gg for counselling next tues.
    I don dare to pin hope BT he willing to take e step out (guy so egostic) I willing to try it.. FOR BB SAKE.. in face no doubt how inside still got some feelings though damn disappointed.

    Wat i feel is, jus try whenever there is realli realli no more methods.. I DON guarantee this counselling will or will not help BUT at least we trying..

    SO I realli hope everyone who is also like ME can try it out...

    Keep our finger cross.

    Yatee, u have msn? u can add mi den we can chat.
    MSN: westie_cyn@hotmail.com
  36. truebliss

    truebliss New Member

    Actually, I don't believe men would change their 'old habits'. What really happened to my bosses proved it! Neither am I encouraging divorce, but nowadays women don't really needed men if compared to old times. Nobody wanted to change the current lifestyle that we are comfortable in, taking the first step to change is very difficult but if it's for BB sake, then, it's an excuse! I've learnt of men resort to abusement after their wife forgive them. ASK YOURSELF TRULY AND HONESTLY.... Do you want to continue this kind of false love? Or the act lovingly in front of your kids? if you say your marriage of >7 yrs is long how can you compare with the remainding time of your life - 20 or 30 yrs to down the road? Surely, you can get someone who appreciate you and worth your love!
  37. yateee

    yateee New Member

    Thats y theres a trend of more elderly couple divorcing.

    Mayb they had gone through what I am going through now.. For the kids' sake, they bear with each other. Once the kids are big and old enough and become independent, the parents also said "bye-bye"..

    I am lucky that I have parents, siblings and a few goodfrens who are always supportive. As a muslim, they never encouraged me to file for divorce but to decide what is good for me and my kids.

    Personally, I know my kids need their father.. They are so close.. They share special bonding! I ever ask my son whats so nice about his father, the answer: mothers are caregivers, providing them the needs (prepare meals, change pampers, make milk, etc..) but plain boring. Fathers are playing mates! Play X-Box together, ride bikes together, etc.etc. Fathers are more fun to be with..

    When theres children involved in a broken marriage, we really have to think twice as hard before making any major decision.. We just cant afford to be selfish.. I believe all estranged mommies agrees with me and never actually make use of our kids as an excuse.. Its just a maternity instinct to think of others first especially our childrens happiness.

    Cynthia, we will be going for counselling this Tues too.. We might go in together and thrashed everything out.. If after that, we find we are incompatible, at least we know we tried..
  38. crossroad

    crossroad New Member

    Hi cynthia & yateee,

    I am in a kind of similar situation...and presently I am 30 weeks pregnant..

    Sighz.At least both of you are going for counselling, for me, he doesn't even want to go, he doesn't want the marriage, and continue going out with the girl. He started his affair when I was about 18 weeks pregnant.

    All these months were hell to me..it's so hard to carry this child...with all the heartache and tears.

    Seriously, I do not really know what to do. To proceed with divorce after I give birth? I was hoping for miracles..but I think it's silly of me. He kept telling me he don't love me anymore and want out of the marriage..

    [​IMG]
  39. yateee

    yateee New Member

    Crossroad

    I am sorry to hear about your plight.. You must be going thru' hell now..

    I know its difficult, but please control your emotion. I was like you too... I was so stressed and only think of him and not paying too much attention to my pregnancy and I lost my BB at 20 weeks! This BB you are carrying breathe and share same heartbeat with you. Ur BB knows and feels wat you are feeling.

    Did you confront the girl? My HB was adamant of leaving me too.. But after confronting the girl, she dumped my HB and here we were, trying to mend our "broken hearts"..
  40. tinkerthe

    tinkerthe New Member

    Hi all,

    My heart goes out to you gers! Please take care of yourself and be strong for the little ones!

    I don't ever understand why man can have a change of heart so fast and be so heartless.

    crossroad,
    If he's saying that, then I guess there is no 2 ways about things. I rather divorce and make sure he pay maintainence, then to suffer in silience for the kids. However, make sure he should be responsible for the kid's finance. Have evidence of his adultery. I have seen my hb's friends straying as well and somehow they manage to convince their wives they will change. 2-3 months down the road, backside itchy again and then they will have another affair. Sometimes, they will even bring those gers to dinner and not the wife. Hb always prohibit to be kPO to tell their wives. What guy bonding they have!


    I told my hb if I ever find out through his phone calls/sms records, email and whatsoever that he ever strays, it is game over even though I have 2 kids. Once a man strays and tasted the forbidden fruit, it is hard to rein him back in my opinion
  41. tinkerthe

    tinkerthe New Member

    Yateee,

    I am not encouraging divorce here, but too many incidents and repeated affairs among husband's friends have made me distrust men's empty promises.

    Some of the wives have spoken to the other woman and sometimes, the other woman goes away, but the 2nd, 3rd and 4th will appear. Worse, some of them even have mistress in GZ, Shenzhen, Indonesia concurrently which is why I always tag along when my hb goes for overseas trips.
  42. lala

    lala Active Member

    hi crossroad

    so sorry for ur plight. i have been thr , but i was not preg at that time. now i am 26weeks preg, but i still bear some hurt from my hb past doings.

    I also dun trust my hb 100% now cos once bitten twice shy. For the sake of the little one, try ur best to divert ur attention and concentrate on the little one.

    U r going to due soon, wat i suggest is dont make decisions now cos i believe ur mind is still in a mess.

    Another option is to seek professional help for urself first, nevermind that ur hb is not going with u. For me, it helps.

    As for ur hb reaction, its so typical of man once their affair is being discovered. I noe its hard not to take wat he says, but psychologically, they are finding a way to escape from all the aftemath. Its like cat chasing mouse game, the timid mouse will run and stay inside the hole when the cat discovers him.

    My two cents worth of advice is dun make rash decision.
  43. crossroad

    crossroad New Member

    I too cannot understand why some man can be so heartless. This whole thing caught me by surprise because I never doubted him nor check on his privacy...I gave him absolute trusts and yet I was betrayed at the time when I needed him most. Even for the 1st 3 mths when I was having very bad morning sickness (almost landed in hospital), he was so concern and rush home to take care of me..never did I ever dream that things will have such a drastic change when I was more stable in my pregnancy...

    Yatee..I had spoken to that girl before..but she is really daring! And guess what, she is still schooling! Sometimes I wondered, what has happened to the young generations now? They insisted that breaking up families are not wrong of them, and they are not MISTRESS but official girlfriends to man who are already married.

    I am dishearterned..heart broken..while walking on the streets, I always envy the couples who are so close together..seem like I am the only pregnant woman around who feels unhappy and without a hubby who cares.

    Stella, you are more "fortunate" than me in the sense that your marriage has a 2nd chance..mine is 0 chance because I can't clap alone. If I ever have a chance..I really do not mind working hard on the marriage again..though I know it's hard to 100% trust, but at least you have someone now who turn over a new leaf.

    Mine, at this point, still insist that he wasn't in the wrong to have an affair!!
  44. miss_badtemper

    miss_badtemper New Member

    after reading your stories i can feel and share ur sentiments... yatee its so sad to have such a man for a husband..

    i guess no matter wat u will be much happier without him...

    you have my full suppport
  45. cookiemonsta

    cookiemonsta New Member

    Life is about choices and once we made a choice, we made a choice to face the consequences that comes with that choice.

    We choose the life we wanna life......
  46. angelneo

    angelneo Active Member

    Yatee,
    When you talk about our baby can feel our thoughts very strongly, I totally agree. I lost my boy @ 37 weeks. Cos, my hubby totally neglect me, and he always go out with another gal. Though nothing happened between them, and things really proved to be so friend only between them, I can't help but to feel very sad. And eventually, lost my baby liao. So, I really fully encourage pregnant mummies going through such incidents, be strong.
  47. singlemom

    singlemom Member

    My hubby admitted he commited adultery 3 yrs ago.

    That time i tot they were juz frz, and he swear to me they did not do anyting that out of track. That time, i believed him and trusted him as bcos i was bz in taking care of my new born, and i refused to accept the cruel truth also, so i never go into much details anymore.

    But somehow now then i found out the truth after i twisted the question to him. It is really a big shock to me. He apologised to me, and we went through the councelling. And my 2nd one is on the way, so we trying hard to salvage our marriage now.

    He cried in front of me saying that he is very regretted and will love me and our family, and promised he won't do the wrong thing again. To him, that was only for sex, and he did not enjoy at all.

    I forgave him, but i tot i was able to forget it completely. And I tot i was able to get it over, somehow deep down in my heart, i still bleeding. My tears will start to drops whenever i recall it, and I try not to let him see i am crying. It is really hard, and really hurt.

    I will live with the scar and hurt till the end, till we grow old if we manage to live together.

    Anybody already get it over? How long does it takes? I really suffering. Sometimes, i juz don't want to continue with the marriage and want to move out, I am stay on now is bcos of our kids, but it is not for me.
  48. scrpn_may

    scrpn_may New Member

    Hi Singlemom,

    Wat if he commits adultery again??? Will you still forgive him?
  49. scrpn_may

    scrpn_may New Member

    Hi Crossroads,

    Men are not everything in the world!!! See, you've your family members supporting you??? Move on with life with courage and see there's happiness after misfortune. I'm worried if you depress further you might get depression, in which, you don't even know?! SMS me if you need a frd, although I've no more immediate family members to support me (passed away) i've come across this road and survive alone!
  50. singlemom

    singlemom Member

    That will be the end, definitely, no turning point, i will leave without telling him, without leaving a trace.
  51. scrpn_may

    scrpn_may New Member

    Hi Angeline,

    My heart goes out to you!!!! By losing your precious at 37 wks!!!??? How did you go thru it? I really can't bear imagining it.... U r a very strong woman! Yr hubby doesn't deserve you! No point pinning and hoping that he will return or repent.... There's someone out there that is worthy of your luv!
  52. scrpn_may

    scrpn_may New Member

    Hi Singlemom,

    Be strong! Chances are, he will! I suggest you go look up legal advise/aid or ask me? No need to leave quitely. Do you know Y men still ask for forgiveness after adultery? Be'cos if their wives are to divorce them, they will be stripped to nothing??? HDB sell and split half n they still need to provide alimony to you and education fees to the kids.
  53. yateee

    yateee New Member

    May

    How sad can it be but I truly and totally agrees wif u..

    My HB cries his LUNGS out, begging for forgiveness when I discovered his flings (the 6th time).. But I know its only crocodile tears. Theres no sincerity in his eyes. But from my earlier postings, he dont agree to divorce cos he knows he cant afford to.. and which I vowed I would make him sooo broke that he cant lift his head high up again to face anyone anymore.

    Cynthia, I did not turn up for counselling. That is to signal to my HB that I am NOT READY for a reconciliation.

    Divorce is not in my cards right now, I just need own space and figuring out what I should do to make my 2 sons life more comfortable first. I did not want to hastily opt for divorce then end up with no back up plans. (Devil may care!)

    Angeline, I am sorry to hear of your loss.. It must be very traumatic for you. Believe me, I know. Going for induced labour, pushing and everything. It was very difficult..
  54. yateee

    yateee New Member

    Singlemom

    Sometimes we are too soft. We let our heart and feelings control us.. When we see them "repent" and "cry" and "promise" not to repeat same mistake and that they "still love" their family and to give them another chance, we believe them.

    Just look at me.. SIX TIMES... But I did told him that I know he will do it again cos he knew that after all the pain he make me go through, he just ask for forgiveness and I will forgive him.

    As long as we give in, they will never learn. Its difficult phase, but now that I ignore him totally and act as if he never existed, he started to be concern cos its just not my usual self anymore.
  55. nls

    nls Member

    Sometimes the men just know our soft spot and expoilt on it! Please do be strong not only for yourself but for the little darlings!
  56. singlemom

    singlemom Member

    Hi yatee,
    this is the first chance and also the last chance for him. I do believe ppl make mistakes. So if there is 2nd times, that will be the end. No turning back. I already prepared for the worst. He loves our son very very much, he know he is going to lose him if 2nd mistake.
    It is really painful to live with someone that hurt u so much and still have to bear with it, faced the naked truth. Women can live without a man, but not for man, they still need a woman.
    Just like u, i am also preparing the backup plan, in case anything goes wrong. Life goes on, good luck to u!
  57. crossroad

    crossroad New Member

    Hi all,

    About 2 or less months, my baby will be brought to this world.

    I have decided to go through the divorce proceedings after my confirnment next year.

    It's enough. I just saw another hotel bill..

    Throughout our marriage, I had told him that I always wanted to spend our aniversaries and special holidays in some luxury hotel..he never once brought me..always will complain expensive..but now he brought her to a 5 star hotel!!

    I am okie..the idea of single mum has already sank in..I think I will be happier that way..though I have no control in my situation (to have a wonderful marriage), I will try my best to give the best to my daughter.
  58. yateee

    yateee New Member

    Oprah wrote this about men...

    To: My dearest girls: We've all been there... Something to think about.
    For the boys: Some of it is applicable to you too!

    HEAR WHAT OPRAH HAD TO SAY ABOUT MEN

    If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

    Stop making excuses for a man and his behaviour.

    Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

    Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.

    Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

    If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck, don't settle.

    If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

    Don't stay because you think it will get better. You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

    Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

    You cannot change a man's behaviour. Change comes from within.

    Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job.

    Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

    Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else's man.

    If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

    All men are NOT dogs. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is two way street.

    You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage...

    You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary... not supplementary.

    Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.


    They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.
  59. nls

    nls Member

    Dear crossroad,
    Do give it more thought as life being a single mother is not easy. (not trying to discourage you) But I hope the best for you anyway whatever your decision may be.
  60. crossroad

    crossroad New Member

    Thanks Yateee, nice reading there..it perks my day.

    Nancy, thanks. Being a single mum is never easy. Had already experience a small part of it since I was 4 mths pregnant. From getting things ready for the baby, to going for routine checkup, I was all by myself. It's hard, emotionally, but it's not something that can't be done. I rather enjoy the special bond with my baby, than to go down on my knees to beg the heartless man again.

    Of cos' there are more and more challenges ahead. I will be strong with my dear family, my dear friends and my wonderful daughter beside me.

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