Advice on Divorce

Hi need some advice on divorce. Appreciate your help.
I am working and earning more than my husband. He is self-employed and don't declare much for his salary, but not too sure how much he makes as owner of his business. My job needs me travelling almost every mth.

I have a 9 year old daughter and she is closer to me. I take care of her needs, spend time with her and coach her in her school work. My husband only looks after (not even "taking care") of her when I am overseas. When he looks after of her, he mostly leaves her to watch TV only while he does his work or other things. He can't coach her in her study and a lot of time they will end up quarrelling and my daughter crying non-stop. Due to so much commitment (work with travelling, housework, need to spend time with daughter playing and coaching study), I am v v stressed out. In her younger days, due to stress and her refusal to study, I did scold and beat her. But now I told her she is big enough so I don't want to keep scolding & beating her. She is quite obedient and understanding, and scolding/grumbling of course still continues but no more beating. However I think my husband may use the excuse that I have to travel frequently, I have bad temper and will beat my daughter as excuses to take custody of my daughter. But no matter what, my daughter loves me more and is closer to me emotionally. I have bad temper only when my daughter refuses to study, other than this, she is mostly obedient and we are v happy and sweet together, even without her father. At bedtime, she will ask her father to go away so as to play with me before sleeping.

Need advice :
1. What is the chance of custody of my daughter if he contests based on the above? What if I try to change job to one that don't need travelling but I don't know whether I will get a job soon enough before the divorce proceeding. Can court listen to my daughter's decision to follow me instead of my husband?

2. He cheated on reason that I neglected him because I pay more attention to my daughter. I am devastated that I take good care of daughter and yet get such treatment from him. So even though I earn more than him, I want him to pay high maintenance as my daughter has a no. of enrichment classes to attend and for the foreseeable pay cut I may get if I get a job without having to travel (meaning lower position job). Since I earn more, will I still be able to get maintenance? Can I argue my future job may have lower pay?

3. How will the family assets be splitted? Since I earn more, naturally most of the assets are from me and I am the one who painstakingly save and manage the money. How to ensure I get to keep most of them? I need the money to sustain living in case I need to resign without a job since there is no one to take care of daughter if I continue working and travelling. Our assets can sustain our lives for a few years without me working. Like that, what's the chance of I win the custody even if without a job?

4. He admitted adultery but so far I have no photos of their adultery. Can I still divorce if he is willing to admit adultery? Or must I produce photos?

5. Any good PI and divorce lawyer to recommend? Also any lawyer to recommend for writing will? I don't want my assets to go to my husband if I die before the divorce.
 


1) mother will must likely get the custody of the kid, but i think u can't travel so often.

2) maintenance will be granted even if u earn more than him, can take a token $1/- and increased it in the future if u needs more.

3) family assets normally is equally divided unless u can prove u contribute more.

4) to file base on adultery, u need a PI report.

5) i pm u the PI contacts.
 
On question 2, I don't want only $1 token maintenance. Not that I am mean, but since I have endured for 3 months and given him chances to be back with the family, he still refused, I want him to taste the medicine of broken family and divorce, ie paying high maintenance, can't see his daughter, etc. I will never trust men again, so will never re-marry again. Understand that man will have to pay maintenance to wife until she re-marries and to children until 21 years. So see whether he tahan paying maintenance to me forever until I die, maintenance to my daughter for 12 years until she is 21 years and at the same time have to support the family with the slut he loves depending on him for money too. Once he has problems with money, see whether that slut still wants him or not.
 
just click on my user name.

unless u can prove u needs more money after your divorce,eg rental and expenses, and also he have the ability to pay u.
 
hi, me thinking of divorcing too. husband never contribute for the family. never bring $ home, never take care 9yrs old child, treat home like free hotel all these years. i have had enough, he always giving me excuses that he dont earn much as he is self employed driver. i know very well that his job cannot even support himself let alone the family. i try to lower my expectation but i see no improvement. i dont meant the $ but his concern over me and child. he is seldom home, once he is home, he just go shit, shower then sleep. and everytime ask me to wake him up for work. i am sick of it cos he done wake up, always asking me to give him another 5 more mins. i really cannot stand him anymore, i have been working to support family sometimes even have to pay for his phone bills, i know i am stupid but cos my phone no. is tight up with his line so LL have to pay lor, if not line will be cut and fyi, already got cut few times and electrical bill also got cut off 3 times. he promise to pay bill, end up i am still the one clearing the debts, sigh... now i am in dilemma cos my hse only 2yrs cannot sell, so how to divorce. my mother is not supportive on my decision. what happen to my child? who take care of him after we split, now m-i-l hlp me look after, can somebody advise.. how to go about it.. file for divorce or separation. i dont earn much.. so how much the whole process cost?
 
thanks wendy_reborn for the response. Me thinking of divorcing or separating from husband, cos he never care for the family. never do his duty as a father or husband and seldom come home. so what should i do now, if i opt for divorce, how much does it cost? i have a son too, currently taken care by my MIL and also a 2yrs old hse which is not eligible to sell in the open market yet? so how? every month my salary is just enough to cover all the expenses.
 
what is the reason he don't come back home.

The most important thing is do u see a future with him? if not then don't waste your time and money on him anymore.
 
i dont see future with him, not even see tomorrow with him.. he dont come home is mostly because of work, he is working as a driver driving workers and tourists, so his time quite staggered. i never know how much is he earning. never know his timing also, now if we happens to see each other at home, he is transparent to me. i just do my thing, he just do his things. so i wanna find out how much is the separation procedure cost, cos i found out if i surrender my flat to hdb, i can only get 90% of the purchase price from hdb (bought directly frm hdb)and not 90% from open market valuation and when i bought the flat from hdb 2 yrs ago is relatively cheap lor.
 
Hi Ladies,

Im actually askin on behalf of my brother and Ive few questions to ask pertaining to custody.

My sister in law committed adultery and my brother has the evidence to prove it. Does that mean that my brother will have an equal chance in winning the custody? Is there joint custody in Singapore?

Secondly, they are in the midst of selling their HDB... is it true that the wife will still get half of the sales proceeds/assets from the husband?

Thanks !
 
Yy,
Actually, most of the time, the judge will propose joint custody because 'custody' is different from 'daily care of kids'. "Custody" simply means 'decision-making power', eg. if the husband has full custody (not joint custody with wife), and the child needs an urgent blood transfusion, but the husband says no, the wife has no right to veto that decision.

So usually the judge will advocate joint custody so that both parents can still make major decisions for the kid. However, 'daily care' for the kid is a different matter. This is actually the one that most people are concerned with - who does the kid live with on a daily basis?

I'm not too sure about the flat, but it should be according to how much the wife has contributed.

lpy,
Like you, I held back the divorce for 3.5 years because of the flat. Does that help improve the situation? No. Because I found myself having unwanted pregnancy, and he became worse, seeing that I did not want to divorce over the flat. He starts to steal my kids' money and pawn my dowry. He teaches my kid all the wrong values and these values are here to stay.

You don't need a separation cert to file based on separation. If he doesn't agree after a three-year separation, then separate for one more year to make it a four-year separation and he'll have to divorce even if he doesn't agree.
 
Hey Tulipzz,

Oh.. Thanks for the advice. Now I have a clearer picture.. hmmm the kid is staying with grandma (my mother) right now..
 
hi, does anyone have good lawyer contacts to recommend? My cousin is in the midst of divorce proceedings but the lawyer she engaged is not looking into her case diligently..he's either out of town frequently, call or sms him also no reply and he takes long time to get back on queries, in addition, he doesn't have much advice to offer, always ask client for instruction only....really delay the whole process and waste time and money.

Also i have other queries. My cousin married for about 3 yrs, husband is property agent and has woman outside. PI report shows him holding hands with a woman, but no sexual intimacy though, pictures not too clear but nevertheless still some proof. My cousin wants to file based on adultery but lawyer say can only file on unreasonable behaviour unless there's concrete proof of adultery. Husband earning big bucks, they have no kid and lawyer recommends asking for $1 token as maintenance, which of cos the husband agree right away..as for house, is resale flat, have not fulfilled minimum occupation period, not sure if hdb allow sale of flat...but they negotiated terms of splitting sales proceed..cousin wanted split according to ratio of contribution because her share to CPF is higher, husband is self-employed don't contribute much to cpf but he is now using his contribution towards reno costs as a factor, saying he pays more for reno when the amount they paid actually comes from their joint account. Moreover, husband has no proof to show that he pay higher amount...so far, lawyer out of time again and my cousin can't do anything, in this case,

(a) how possible it is to change lawyer at this point in time? can cousin renegotiate terms of divorce? (e.g. ask for higher maintenance)

(b) only about a year left before the house hit 5 year min occupancy period, how high is the possibility that HDB will confiscate the house?

(c) share of reno costs - can this be used as a gauge as to how much to split the sales proceed?

My cousin really desperate liao, upset and depression at the same time and still got to fight all this...can anyone here who encounter or has friends/relatives who encounter similar situation advise us? Thanks!
 
Story to share and Need advise..

Filed for divorce one and a half year ago, coz he denied that he had an affair and during confrontation, he hit me on my neck from the back. Injury not visible (he clearly know where to hit..) Police was called.

When my parent confronted him, he denied that he had an affair and claim that he had not been home regularly is becoz of the "cold war" (MIL stays with us, she wants to be the Queen of my house, I can do nothin to win her)

Few week later, I came home half day without notice, there he was sitting in the dinning room TOPLESS with a girl having lunch my ex-MIL.

When I asked to get introduce to, he refused and tols the girl not to speak to me. I know my suspection is right, he was having an affair. Later, he told my dad that it was his colleague. Then he left for China for holiday.

I filed for a divorce citing unreasonable behaviour during this period and moved out.

He then restorted to calling Shin Min press and told the reporter what a terrible and unfillial daughter in law I was.

Why terrible? Because my MIL insisted that she to be given the Master bedroom in our new flat, she will not moved until she got her wish. I gave it..

We were divorce in last Oct.

2 months ago, a china girl called me saying that she was cheated by my ex-husband and she admitted that she was the lady in my house the year back.

She got cheated of money and she called up the Shin Min paper and told them her story...how they ended up together and rented a place to to cohabit...money loan and stuff.

Now that we are going thru the Ancillary hearing,
my ex-husband quit his ok paid job and took up a low pay job recently (working in 7 eleven, paying by hourly rate),

I know that he is deliberatly doing it to avoid paying for child maintenance.

My lawyer said that the chance is me getting reasonable maintanance is very low (maybe only $200 per month).

He had not been maintaining the child since I filed for divorce 1.5 years ago, even though he is getting a regular pay.

He told me lawyer taht he will not ask to see the child coz he claimed that as he had not been in touch with my child for a year, he do not wish to disrupt her routine (she is 3 years old).

I am very frustrated and hearing this, as obivously he knows the loophole of the system and get around it, maintanance amount is being determine by monthly salary.

Am using my saving to support our lives when I left.. Seems according to my lawyer, many people are doing that to get out of paying maintanance.

I need some advise from mommy whom had gone thru theis terrible stage:

1. If base on $800 per month his salary, how much maintenance would the judge award me?

2. Will the judge clearly base on what he is earning now to determine the amount?

3. Can I asked for the arrear in maintenance, since he had not been paying for the child?

4. What shall I do if that really happen?

To me, he is clearly knows the loophole..if I truly am being award only that miserable amount, I will totally lose faith in the judicial system.
 
if he is so smart to use media to shame u initially, why dun u use the power of media to shame him back and to put pressure on the legal system to show them the loopholes.

btw, u mean ur ex MIL know abt his affair and was hving lunch with the gal and him when u went back home half day without notice?
 
Diana:

i do want to "lower" myself to his level and resort to this sort of thing of speaking to the media.

nevertheless, when the reporter called me and asked for my side of the story, i told her about it but informed her not to publize it as my lawyer is handling the divorce now.

so when the new articles came out, it is from there that he realised that i had already filed for a divorce. i guess it makes him look damn stupid as his photograph appear on the paper.

when i show my lawyer that shin min article, my lawyer asked me "Why is he so angry?"

as for my ex MIL, i am not sure if she suspected anything coz my ex is a very clever talker and he can always turn stories around.

sharon:
he did tat job is just to ensure that i would get very little maintenance from him and so maybe drag on for a few more months when the case is close..he can always switch job. he is that kind of person.

then again, i am not sure that the court or i will be able to find him when the case close. would the court knows how to locate him? coz i know he will surely just "disappear" when the close without even paying for any maintenance for the child.
 
Dear Friends,

I am not really going thru Divorce yet but really wanted to go ahead with it...
My story is quite confusing so perhaps i leave it to another day...

Why i am here is i really need sound advice regarding custody.
I hv a note hinting my wife do not want the custody of the kids, can i use this note as evidence to get full custody ?

Below are the EXACT words from the note -

"i hope tat u can think over wat i had mentioned earlier, about the separation/divorce letter. i hope we can settle things nicely. i do not wish to let this thing turn out ugly, so to benefit the kids. <u>as for the kids, i m willing to let u have them, since u wan them. but i will greatly appreciate if u could let me visit them often and bring them over to my place once a week, maybe overnight. </u>Well, I strongly believe u can take care of them so much better dan i do, esp i hav a very bad temper.

I also strongly believe, by signing the letter will benefit us and will be much much better for us to face each other again."

So friends, do you think i can get custody based on the bold and underlined statement ?
 
anyone got any good lawyer to recommend for divorce proceedings? and also anyone know what's the average cost like for a contested divorce?
 
if married for less than 3 years and no separation is being filed, after the 3 years are over, can divorce be granted immediately?
 
Hi

I found such pix in his handphone... apparently taken after he had paid sex with this vietnamese woman working @ a pub. Can this be used as proof for adultery? He said that if I wanna sue him for adultery, the divorce process will be more complicated and will drag for one more year, is that true?
5004953.jpg
 
i think u need more than that to prove adultery. your husband is also not in the picture.

He is lying, if u have adultery, the divorce will will faster, as he can't contested it.
 
I have an email to say that he booked hotel... but all these pixs, his not in the pix wif her
sad.gif
But in sms, he admitted on having affairs, is that considered?

He said that if we settle on "unreasonable behaviour", we can settle within 3 months... but if "Adultery" will drag for one year.

Furthermore, he initially agreed to waive 50% of the CPF refund, which meant that I need to top up 50% of his CPF to take over the house.. but now, he said that it needs court appeal. Anyone know what is the percentage of the court agreeing to such appeal? Coz he wanted me to refinance the house, which meant he get 100% of his cpf back... which I refused.
 
If eventually, we have to sell the house, can I get all the profit of the house and at the same time demand for an alimony? I am working now but his salary is $4k more than mine and I have a few medical conditions. Any idea?
 
Hi!
He is unfaithful and has admitted to his extramarital affair. I am willing to forgive him but he still wants to leave me and kids.

Can he file for seperation or divorce even if I don't agree to it?
 
I found out about my husband's affair which started around Oct last year. Was terribly heart broken when he decided to choose the other person, and leave me and his baby. I am 6 months pregnant now.

He met the other person, a foreign girl in his pub where she work part time. My husband started his biz last year. He faces alot of stress in his biz and finances. I care abt him and supported him with all my savings.

I stop thinking why he chose her over his family. A man who leave his pregnant for other woman isn't just worth crying for anymore.. We were togther for close to 14years now.

I had done my best to salvage this marriage but after waiting for 3mths, I hv decided to let go.

I requested for a divorce since he has decided wat he wants. But he's been avoiding this discussion &amp; we have never discuss our future properly. But he did suggested buying a flat together so that me and baby at least have a roof over our head. He said to discuss divorce only after we purchase the house, he will transfer his rights to the house to me. Should I jointly purchase a flat with him at this moment?

I hv moved out &amp; he will call often. He just keep insisting he will always be there for me and baby. I know he's just guilty. I've been accepting his 'concerns', guess I do hv a soft spot for him. And I still do have feelings for him.

It's been 3 mths. I wan to stop being sad, I wan to get well &amp; b strong for my baby. I decided to totally cut all contacts with him. Stop talking to him. Let my family handle the paperworks on my behalf. Is this a good move?

To let him feel the loss of me &amp; baby, and to let him noe tt he cannot hv the best of both world. He can live his new life with his mistress. Will this at least let him understd he cannot continue to be shameless like tt. Will this backfire?

I feel guilty tt my baby will hv to suffer the consequences of her parents' actions.
But I have no other options.
 
Hi Hope Faith
Yr situation is very similar to mine except dat I dun hv kids. I too found out abt his affairs in oct and we r in the midst of filing for divorce now.
However, now he want to reconcile. He said he suddenly realized dat actually I still love him. He made mistake. However, when I ask how he's going to leave dat woman, he can't give me an answer.
My heart is broken. I dunno how to patch back wif a guy whom heart is no longer wif me. I m tired and also sick because of this relationship. Is this why he pitied me and wanna take care of me? I ve asked him but he told me no, he still love me but he also love dat woman... What should I do?
 
Hi Hope_faith,
I'm sorry to hear what had happeded. Please take care of yourself and your baby.
Re buying a house - My understanding from a lawyer is that you can take over the flat as long as you can form a nuclear family (i.e. you and baby). If the house is fully paid at time of divorce, it can be yours if he is willing to give up (i.e. FOC to you). If your house is having outstanding loan at time of marriage, i would depend if you have the ability to continue paying the house. Otherwise, would have to sell it.

Yuki,
I too found out last Oct...It's such a painful journey. I have been thinking and reading. I come to realise that I still love him. For that, I decided to give my unconditional love to win back his heart. I cannot hope for any return though. But at least I try and it has helped to calm mysef down and talk things through better with him.

He's also very stress being caught in between (I know I should be saying he deserve this) so there is no point pushing him for an answer. They are in the lovey stage and the more we say would only trn them further from us.

Hope we can all see some light to whichever path we choose to take. Jia You!
 
Hi Yuki &amp; Babygenius,
Thks much for ur kind response.

Yuki, u noe wat? My hb told me the same thing. He keep saying that he will always be here for me &amp; baby. He text and say he will always love me &amp; baby... Blah.. Blah..
But at the end of the day, Im not convinced bcos he still have no intention to leave his mistress.
Maybe it's real that he still hv love for us, but he still chose to leave us anyway. Now he delays divorce mayb cos of guilt or simply wan the best of both worlds.
We met up last Friday, he needed money desparately for his biz &amp; I actually loan him some. Silly me, I noe. But I still honour my vows as a wife, as long as we are still married. Will still be there for him for better or for worse. To cover his guilt, he brought me to a few shops for baby stuffs. When we were in mothercare, I actually caught him crying.
To let u noe the truth, I still love him and harbour hopes that he will wake up and turn back soon.. But it is really not something I can control. But to get things moving, I will still proceed to discuss my divorce conditions with him, so that he noe clearly wat is the implications of our divorce. I am so not looking forward to being a divorcee or single mum.

Since u have started the legal proceeding already, I guess u can observe how things goes, before u sign on the dotted line. Sometimes it isn't until we hit rock bottom before things change for a better. If he turn back in time, do consider to give ur marriage a chance. Divorce is serious, I really do not wish for any couple to go thru it unless absolutely necessary.

Babygenius,
I'm encouraged by ur determination to love ur hb unconditionally. I too, thot of that and tried during the last fee months.. But maybe due to my pregnancy and with some pressures from family and friends, I kinda woke up my idea.

Still cannot truly forgive him for doing this to our baby. Walking out on me during my pregnancy is cruel. But wat hurt me most is when I think of the consequences my baby have to suffer becos of his decision. Felt very saddened by all his actions and choices.

My baby is arriving in July. I am now thinking everyday abt our future. I am examining the pros &amp; cons of our divorce, should it happen. I will think of our life together as a family. And I will think of our life without him in the picture. And compare, which is better for me and baby... Hvent come to a conclusion yet. Bcos my head and my heart is not telling me the same thing.

Anyway I have wrote him an email pertaining to some of my conditions &amp; have also requested to sign paper only after my baby is born cos I needed the maternity leave, settle birth certificate &amp; over admin stuffs for baby.

My heart is more at peace and calm now, though I still cry when I think of him &amp; us. Dun feel like it's worthwhile to drop our marriage, but if he didn't share the same thoughts, there is no point in keeping this marriage anymore.
I will have to break the news to my parents once both me and hb agreed on this course of action.

Let's all jia you and not give up life. Have faith that watever happened, happen for a reason. Good always triumph over Bad eventually.
 
babygenius, the nicer you are to him, the more guilty he'll feel. hope he'll return to you soon.
 
Hi, I've given my husband his last chance but he didn't come back to me and yet he still fight for the house from me. I hope yours will be better. Good luck.
 
Does anyone here have any idea... If I do not wish to sell the house and cannot pay him for his full CPF. Can the court force-sell the house?
 
The problem is he refused. To him, my maintenance is the Inc in mkt value of the house
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but I dun intend to sell the house.
 
Hope_faith
Hope u and little baby is going on well. It'c certainly a rocky journey with either path you choose. Stay strong and it helps to confide in someone you are close to. Jia you!

Michael,
Thanks for the encouragement. I do hope so. He's been treating me a little nicer these days though I know he is still seeing her regularly....
Since I choose to love him unconditionally, I can only work hard on my end.
 
Hi babygenius,
thanks for ur note! My little one is doing well :)
glad to hear tt things hv improve for u, continue to do ur best, I sincerely hope ur faith &amp; patience will pay off one day.

I wish I cld take up tt option too, to continue loving him unconditionally... But...

I hv started to call up law firm but am still gg to wait till my baby is born in July, cos of the cert, bb bonus, maternity leave, etc.

Last thu, my hb insisted on fetching me to gynae chk up. The moment I got into his cab, I saw tt he kept crying and drying his tears. I think his guilt is eating him inside, mayb cos he saw my big belly. I found an opportunity to bring up my divorce conditions during lunch, so I asked him if he's okay with those terms I emailed him, if he okay to use same lawyer. But each time I brought up this topic, he shut off, he will avoid &amp; said he very tired, hasn't sleep at all as he came str after he close his pub. I dunno how much longer he is gg to run away fr this discussion. We hv to talk it out somehow wat..

Then when he sent me bac hm, he didn't dare go near my house. At lift lobby, he hugged me and assured once again tt he will be here for me (blah...) and he kissed my forehead. I was feeling sad and didn't resist his hug. He said he cried often now but I dunno wat he's crying for!!

I feel tt he jus wan do his bit for my baby. But I really am not sure how to handle him. To cut all ties? So that I can stop talking to him, seeing him, so tt I can forget him &amp; live my life with my baby. My emotions is still v unstable, I still cry now &amp; then, still misses him alot, at the same time, can't forget his choices and actions &amp; tt he left me when I needed him most.

Jus a few days ago, he told me he gg to batam for a few days. I wished him happy holiday. Then he insisted tt it's not a holiday &amp; tt he's got things to do there. But then I found fr FB tt his mistress said smthg like "gg to holiday trip with her baby".. So it's pretty obvious tt he is bringing his mistress there for holiday and still dare accused me of assuming things always and tt he is not holiday! Sigh.. It doesn't really matter tt much nw.

My heart is still painful. But I also cannt let his shameless actions affect me too much now. My baby is arriving soon, I want to stay happy and positive for my little one.

U noe wat? I received a call last week fr my mil asking me for the most ridiculous thing! She actually wan to noe my decision, if I'm ever gg bac to that home.

As my hb has left his home to be with his mistress, my mil is looking forward to him returning hm, even if it means him bringing bac his mistress!! Can u believe this?

When she first knew abt his affair, she requested tt I dun informed my parents/family first cos she didn't noe how to face my family when baby is born, now she is forcing me to say in my words tt I will divorce her son. I totally detest tt family now.

Though I hv clearly decided tt I will divorce him since this is the end he wanted, but I do not know how the divorce can help me &amp; baby. I am doubtful he will honour any maintenance fees for us. He always tell me he has no money. He quit his day job to concentrate fully on his pub. He even borrowed money fr me recently. And I still helped him cos I wanted to. I still wan honour my vows, and will nt leave him in a lurch. But he is not returning yet, coming to a mth already. I told tt money I loaned him is meant for my gynae, hospitalisation, confinement &amp; baby stuff, he assured me he will return.

Actually, I've been thinking.. Even if we didn't end up in divorce, I cannot really see a future together anymore... I cannot imagine a future together.

The one we used to imagine together is forgotten. I really cannot remember now. I am blinded by all the sad memories and unhappy happenings.
 
Hi hope faith, i wonder how are u know...

I am faced with a tangling situation. Feel very unhappy cos of his attitude towards me. Alot of unhappiness but yet dont know what i should do looking at my two adorable kids who would lose their father should we divorce...

Wonder if anyone contemplating divorce and any of yr men turned back and be good to u..
 


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