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A meaningless marriage....

Discussion in 'Matters Of The Heart' started by bemybaby, Sep 8, 2008.

  1. bemybaby

    bemybaby New Member

    Can I ask everyone here, why do you want to marry your the other half?

    I married to my husband at the time when everything in my life looked good to any girls. I was young & beautiful, with plenty of eligible men asking me to marry them or give them a chance to be my guardian angel if I choose not to marry them. Everyone was surprised I chose my husband as my lifetime partner. I told them all I ask for is a simple life, therefore a simple man like him is the best partner.

    Less than a month before our ROM, he accidentally revealed to me that he had just turned bankrupt (caused by his family, shall not go into further here). I didn't think of to cancel or postpone our wedding, since we still have some money with us for our wedding, and as someone he loved most, I shouldn't be so realistic to hurt him at this time. His family has so many relatives to invite to our wedding that I changed my guest list and had only invited one friend to attend my wedding. A week before our wedding, I caught his female colleague (there were rumors that she liked my husband) holding his hands, and he gave a soft toy to her which his client wanted to give me. He insisted he was guilt free.

    As he was left with zero savings, I didn't mind staying with his family from hell. All I can say is that my life after married is a nightmare to any women, everyday in my life is like watching a tv drama. Also, we hardly have any intimacy since the day we married, maximum about 2 times a year in the beginning. It hurts me deeply whenever he pushed me away if I tried taking the initiative. I told him it hurts me, he replied "so you married because of sex!"...... Thereafter, he would ask for it whenever he knows I was very ill or tired after work. If I turned him down, he would go "it's you who don't want it, stop saying it's me rejecting you".

    2 years after we married, I told him we should start planning for a baby, he told me after he's discharged from bankruptcy. Although he agreed but how to when he still refused to have intimacy with me? On the 4th year, he had yet to discharge but he told me to wait till we buy our own house. I worked very hard to buy a house, while he remains at his comfort zone. We moved to our own house in the 5th year, but sex life is worse. It's normal if we have no sex in the whole year, same hurting words from him if he knows I'm upset over his rejection, he makes me sound like a slut who only has "sex" in mind. One day, I asked him to tell me frankly if he doesn't want a child, as I don't want to force him. He told me it was just that he doesn't want our child to be affected by me because I'll drop tears whenever we quarrel and gave a new excuses each time after I changed myself for him. One day he said the similar hurtful sentence again, "so, you married because you want to have a child!"

    The same topics went on for many years until this year he came out with a new excuse. He didn't want me to give birth anymore, because his acquaintance died in labour when she gave birth at 30 something, doctor said it's a dangerous age for women to give birth and he doesn't want to lose me because of this. I don't understand! It's not that we just got married at the age of 30+, why gave so many other excuses last time when we were young, now when I'm at this age then he told me not to because I'm too old and too risky to have one?

    It isn't easy for me. His family has been telling people that I'm very selfish because I don't want to give birth or they suspect I can't at all, despite that I've told them many times it's my husband who doesn't want to have a child, there's nothing I can do without his cooperation. I would like to adopt a child, as I know I can give her the same amount of love I'll give to my own child, but to his parents, an adopted grandchild can never be the same as our own.

    I really don't know why am I still in this marriage? For everyday, he'll spend all his time watching tv or on the phone then to bed, I'm always the one trying to start a chat with him. He didn't even ask where I'm leaving to when there was one late night I left the house with a luggage. We're basically room mates and nothing more.
     
  2. ozlee

    ozlee New Member

    You need to ask your husband why he married you in the first place.

    Its amazing that you have endured through all this.
     
  3. bemybaby

    bemybaby New Member

    I've asked him before. His replied was he won't want to marry me if he knows our marriage is always so unhappy.

    It's sad to see how I've ruined myself and wasted my youth (this is very important to all women) on a meaningless marriage, to a person who doesn't even care about you in day one. We were together for 2 years before we married, he wasn't like this but changed right on the day we married.
     
  4. fairyprincess

    fairyprincess New Member

    Hi bemybaby,

    You do not have any kids right? So many women here are very "stuck" in their marriage because of the consideration of kids- painful for the kids to grow up without a father etc etc...

    In your case, if you are so unhappy, why not have a clean break? It may be better for both of you...

    My sis went through a divorce (thank god no kids involved)- I have to say its better to move on, if the marriage is unhealthy, and there is nothing to hang on to...
     
  5. mama_g

    mama_g New Member

    bemybaby,

    do you still love him?
     
  6. estherholy

    estherholy Member

    Hi Bemybaby,

    Sorry to say, my advice is to divorce him, you deserve a better man in your life.
     
  7. bemybaby

    bemybaby New Member

    Thanks for giving me the support here.

    I don't know why am I still in this marriage? Is it because I don't want my parents to worry for me? (My dad has terminal illness, while my mum will fall very ill whenever she knows I'm suffering in my marriage) Am I worry that I'm now old, ugly and childless, I'll be alone when my parents leave me? I'll not want to meet another man, but from what I've seen on other women, their children can be their best support in life. Or, is it that I mind how many shallow people out there judge on divorcee? I'm such an useless person......

    Mama G, after so many unhappiness in the marriage from day one, I really don't know if I still love him.
     
  8. tanlengleng

    tanlengleng Active Member

    I'm sure you are still beautiful & will still have eligible men asking you to marry them...
    Just look back on how you dress & doll yourself up last time,
    you can still do it again. [​IMG]

    Do sort things out before thinking of having a baby.
     
  9. hiahc

    hiahc New Member

    Hi bemybaby, I'm sad to read your post. Having a baby can bring a lot of joy to a loving couple, but if you are already unhappy before baby, it will worsen after you have a baby, not make it better. You will be even more disappointed in his indifference, plus stressed by the demands of taking care of baby. And it would be unfair for the baby to have an indifferent dad and a sad mom.

    Please don't think of it as wasting your youth. The time is gone and there's nothing you can do about it. But you can still do something about your future. Ask yourself whether you want the next 40 or more years to be happy or not. Don't let the past 10 or so spent years cloud your decision. Only you have the answer and work up the courage to take the next step.

    I used to have a long term relationship (11+ years) that didn't work out. In the beginning it was all rosy. But after that it went downhill and he slowly didn't love me anymore. One day I finally got tired of making excuses for him, took the courage and broke up. I was past 30 then, and felt lost. But not long after I met my now husband, got married a year later, had a baby the following year and now I am pregnant again. Bam bam bam everything happened so fast. So... happiness may be waiting for you around the corner. You never know unless you let go.
     
  10. bemybaby

    bemybaby New Member

    Lengleng, thanks for the good words. I doubt things can be sort out between us. He'll stop me from going on whenever I tried telling him how have the things he did going to affect our marriage and I.

    Chobeemama, thanks for sharing your personal story. I've been thinking what you said in the second paragraph since the second year I married, but yet I'm still here after so many years...... really a waste of my own youth.

    He has just suggested we go for separation since I'm not happy in this marriage, we'll get back together if I can be a happy wife, like the girl I used to be before married, else divorce will be a better for me. I don't know if it'll be better for me, but he has no right to always make decisions for me and expecting me to agree to it, not because he really think it's good for me, just that he wants me to agree to him in all things.
     
  11. tanlengleng

    tanlengleng Active Member

    I've heard of happy stories that couples divorce & marries again,
    separation may mean you're going to waste another 3 years on him (if he doesn't improve)...

    Perhapes, like you mentioned a divorce will be a better,
    at least you will be available to all eligible men out there,
    on the other hand, if he does repent, you can marry him again. [​IMG]
     
  12. ozlee

    ozlee New Member

    Hi Bembaby
    sounds like you have been a selfless person.. even your reasons for not making drastic changes is because of your ageing parents. Do consider this: your mom's health and your happiness are in your own hands. Its time that you be a bit more selfish and do something for yourself.

    I have been thinking about your last paragraph... it says some things to me: (1) to make decisions for you and expect you to follow shows that you are not respected. (2) to make that suggestion and pushing the responsibility of making the marriage work on "if you can be a happy wife" shows a lack of backbone. Just my 2c worth.

    Ultimately, it is your decision.

    finally, a word from a "matured man": beauty and attraction in a woman does not come from youth or looks, but mostly from self-confidence, comassion and the way you handle yourself. Youth and looks are temporary, that is the case for everyone, no exception. Men who value these can only love superficially and short term only, and will be always chasing younger skirts. What kind of a life-companion do you want for yourself?
     
  13. bemybaby

    bemybaby New Member

    I would like to apologise to the parents here. My initial plan for visiting this forum was supposed to ask and know more about adoption matters, but end up talking about my marriage problems.

    Hi Leng leng, he wants a separation without signing the paper, so basically I'll still tie down by this marriage while he can happily enjoy his single days. He put it sounds nicer by saying I should be able to become a happy person again if he isn't around to make me upset. If I still can't be happy then divorce should be able to help me. In simple, if I can't let him see a happy wife, then we'll divorce. He'll get angry whenever he see me looking unhappy, even if I'm just looking moody. He wants only smile on my face.

    I'll not waste anymore time on him if I'm going to walk out of this marriage. I've wasted all my best time on him...... I don't want to always regret when he goes back to his usual self again. He can't expect me to give him a blissful marriage all by myself.

    Hi Ozlee, you aren't the only person who thinks he has never respected me as a wife.

    I understand youth and beauty aren't everything, but unfortunately part of a woman's self-confidence comes from there. I don't really care what he thinks about me, no one can remain young and good looking forever. I just hate to see I've wasted mine on someone who has never appreciated me.

    Sad to say, after so much disappointment from this marriage, I don't think I want a companion anymore. I don't want and too afraid to take the risk of wasting another few years on the next man.
     
  14. ozlee

    ozlee New Member

    hi bembaby
    no need to apologise. sometimes we have questions, but the real issue is something else... it is good that you have addressed and hopefully found answers to that deeper question.

    hey! rather than think you have wasted the best years on someone who is not worthy (its water down the drain anyway), think that your best is yet to be, now that you are wiser for the experience... and that should not be wasted or delayed anymore.

    unfortunately, time does take away things from you, for example it is now more dangerous for you to have babies, but it should not stop you from showering your love to other children, if you do love children. People can love until the day they die... and by giving love to the right person, animal or even cause, you'll find happiness.

    keep an open mind and heart, and most important eyes and ears. find your true beauty from within and your confidence will come, when that do, wrinkles on the face will give that beauty added character.
     
  15. sakurako

    sakurako New Member

    hi bemybaby,

    Im sorry to let you know that the problem with your marriage did not happen only after the wedding day. It seems to me that it had already showed signs of an unfavourable one even way before.

    Ask yourself.... why were your friends surprised you chose him? You said because he is a simple man? Well... what else do you think was running through their minds then?

    Being bankrupt is a very important and serious matter, Yet he chose to keep it from you. All those reasons for for rejecting you and not starting a family are most probably just lies to cover up for something. This man does not seem to be an honest man from what you have described.

    It's not going to be easy to move out from the marriage even though it has been a very unhappy one. There will be a griefing period over the loss. But you can do it through support from various sources. Do you have any support group like family members? friends? colleagues? Church group?

    Even though you are afraid of another disappointment or not able to find another partner, you are in actual fact yearning for someone to love you dearly. This is not impossible Bemybaby. But I feel that you should work at one thing at a time at this point.

    You may wish to seek help from a counsellor to help you sort out your thoughts and you make a decision on your own. We can all post advice here but ultimately you must learn to make a decision.

    Take good care.
     
  16. yazzyyaz

    yazzyyaz New Member

    You may choose to annul your marriage under Willful behavior..stating refusal to consummate. if you dun mind being referred as the one who rejected his sexual approach to makes the annulment easier.

    I see no pt for u to continue your loveless and selfish marriage. There have been many stories of divorcees w or w out kids who found another love... you will find the strength in you, new found confidence and a well deserved life for yourself after you turn your back from that selfish man.

    Age is not a problem...a more matured lady is also a sophisticated and classy lady. Turn your attention to yourself and you will see a beautiful lady not defined by age...Love yourself and others will see how glowing u r
     
  17. flowerygal

    flowerygal New Member

    bemybaby,
    Sad to hear tat ur hus is being cold towards u. Don't need to waste your youth & beauty on such heartless man anymre. He dont treasure u, don need to hang on. Go to a nearby Family Service Centre for counselling and advice.

    Whether or not u wana find another man is nt impt anymre. Smetimes its a huge risk. Wat if the 2nd one turns out 2 be worse? It depends on ur luck. Its up to individual. U mus be able to judge for urself & live independently. If u seriously wan a companion, i tink adoption is a wise choice.
     
  18. babypheonix

    babypheonix Active Member

    bemybaby, to me, it seems like he is playing mind games with you. Always making you feel that you are the guilty party.

    I think you should just moved on. No point wasting some more years on him if you feel that you have wasted your youth and beauty on him. You can lead a better and happier life without him if you strongly believe in yourself.
     
  19. msuzzana

    msuzzana Member

    I just want to comment on having babies on a ripe age. I am 39 and going to have a baby soon and I had my 1st baby when I am 36. For me there are risk in anything. Most important is that you take care of yourself and to have a good healthy mind, body and spirit, no matter what age you may be. I have had contacts with many mums that have baby after the age of 30. So no worries. Live your life and dont let the past hinders to be happy. Move on in your life and good luck with it!
     
  20. cocoon

    cocoon New Member

    Have you tried counselling? If you want to have one last try, so that you can say later, you tried all ways, would encourage you to go for counseling before the final step.
     
  21. babykj

    babykj New Member

    Divorce can be done without ur parent's knowledge? Most important how can u tolerate living with this kind of man for e rest of ur life? Though u have wasted your youth 4 to 5 yrs? Do u mean u want to continue to waste your life for another 10 to 20 yrs?

    *patpat* Bemy...let him know u can live on without him. I agree with Fairy, since both of u have no kids, might as well make a clean break...dont seems to me he will be a good father.
     
  22. bemybaby

    bemybaby New Member

    Hi everyone, thanks for all the advise given.My apologies for not visiting this site as I was in a terrible mood for the past many days.

    We attended his friends' gathering last week, as usual, people kept telling ME to see a doctor because we've been childless for too many years.

    Why is it so unfair to the women that when a couple have no children, people will start thinking the problem lies on the wife? When a couple have only daughters and no son, the problem is with the mother again? I hate meeting our friends and relatives, all they know is to tell me to see a doctor. I'm trying very hard not to lose control and tell them aloud, no sex how to give birth? Why can't they mind their own business or at least know the truth before they want to jump into conclusion?

    I'll feel very down whenever I see mothers with their children, I can see the happiness in her eyes, although maybe not all of them have a happy marriage. At this moment, I'll ask myself, what so lousy about me that since the first day of our marriage he decided not to give me the chance to have a child?

    I tried to sound my in-laws out on their opinions of adoption, they kept saying an adopted child is always different from having your own one, their blood doesn't belong to the family, they will never want an adopted grandchild.


    Hi Logmum, I don't think I'll have the time to wait for too long. My latest medical report says I may have high possibility of cervical cancer, my doctor advised us to give birth as soon as we can if we really want a baby...... he heard it himself but he chose to lie to the doctor that we're already planning. With the real life story from what happened to Anita Mui, the HK singer, my parents want me to go for treatment should there be a day that the doctor confirmed I've cervical cancer, they don't want me to be that silly like her to forgo treatment in exchange for a don't know when will arrive chance to conceive.

    Again, I can't tell those people these except for my own parents and the kind souls here. I don't want people to label me with the stereotype thinking that women with cervical cancer is because they have multiple sex partners which I didn't. Have they forgotten women who have not given birth before will also have a higher risk for this cancer?


    Hi cocoon, it won't help. Same as the baby making plan...... he agreed to go for counselling but he refused to tell me when exactly can we go when I wanted to fix the appointment. He's always avoiding everything between us.
     
  23. staff

    staff New Member

    bemybaby
    its time you let someone know about the plight you are in and are enduring. for starters, you can let his parents know.

    its not fair that you are being "blamed" for this. if you really want out, at least they know the real reason why. and not blame you.
     
  24. ozlee

    ozlee New Member

    hi bembaby
    its hard, especially if people make unfair assumptions about your fertility, only because they do not know better.

    when someone say that to you next... just tell them that you have seen a doctor and that you have no problems being a mother. Let them try to figure out what to say next.. sometimes people say things without thinking because it seemed the right thing to say. In this case it was not and you shouldn't have to suffer or feel worse because of that.

    i do not know your husband... but going by what you have shared... it might be a blessing that he has not given you a child... especially if he is not ready to be a father, much less a husband.

    be strong and be assertive, your happiness lies solely in your own hands.
     
  25. tanlengleng

    tanlengleng Active Member

    bemybaby,
    tell those KPOs,
    factory's ready,
    no supplier of raw material = no product
     
  26. miserable_mum

    miserable_mum New Member

    Hi gals, I jus found out this URL and hv just registered as a new member.
    I also do ask myself many many times over and over again why i married my other half!!!
     
  27. mincin

    mincin New Member

    Hi,

    Just chance upon this. Want to put in my 2cents worth.
    Have u considered that he is having problems in the sex dept like ED or 'performance anxiety'? That's why he doesn't want any intimacy with u? But of cos this does not make up for the fact that he had not been nice to u.
     
  28. jynnsan

    jynnsan New Member

    Just to share with you bemybaby, I am a divorcee married at the age of 22 and divorce at age of 27. My husband same as yours, do not like sex and we almost have no sex for the whole year causing me depression and totally lose interests. I wanted to have a baby to have a complete family while he keep finding excuses. Return home late and keep lying. In the end, i got into depression and end up staying in the hospital. He did not come to visit me at all!

    The day i discharged, my family picked me and send me home, guess what, my room was filled up with another woman belonging and cosmetic!!! I almost fainted! The more disgrace thing i did in this life is to beg him not to leave me despite seeing all these, can you imgaine.

    It took me so long to let go. But we can do it. No point hanging on with a meaningless marriage when everyday is sufferring.

    Now i moved on and i am remarried with my current husband and pregnant.

    My advice is woman today is no longer the pathetic group who depend and rely on man. When this does not seems to work, we move on. Though i know it is easier said than done, but i am sure we are brave and strong enough to lead our own life.

    PErsonally i don't encourage divorce, but if things doesn't work, why should we cling on and waste our life. Life is short anyway!

    Take care and be brave

    We will support you on your decision!
     
  29. joankum

    joankum New Member

    bemybaby,

    After reading your story, I'm really impressed that u can still endure this man for so many years. It's really hurting to hear such remarks from him, esp. the last comment on the risk for late pregnancy. Tell him, don't bullshit and talk rubbish!!! I gave birth to my 1st child at 31 yrs old and 2nd child at 33, I don't see any problems to that.

    My advice is - do not waste time on this man. He can't give u a complete marriage. U should think for your own future. Do u want to live with this kind of life forever?? There are plenty of nice guys out there who are a thousand times better than him, so why not give yourself a chance??

    Take care and u will hv my full support!!
     
  30. mintae

    mintae New Member

    bemybaby.

    don't live another 5-10years to regret it. you're barely halfway through your life. are you going to live another 50 years like that? and maybe worst?

    there's a possibility he has some sexual issues he is ashamed of that he has yet to tell you about.

    don't hang on to a stranger any longer. sometimes, you really have to let go even when you don't know what lies ahead. be brave.
     
  31. notsuperwoman

    notsuperwoman New Member

    i would suggest couple counselling first, and then you can see if the marriage can be worked on or not.

    couple/marriage counselling helped me a lot.
     
  32. merz

    merz Member

    BemyBaby,

    Whether there is any chance of a workable marriage, I think you know the answer better than anyone. I've a friend who also has problem with his partner, partly I think is due to x, and communication factor and later on 3rd parties? However, this friend of mine after know the 3rd parties still decided to forgive her partner, but unfortunately his mind is fixed and so they annul the marriage. I later found out my friend reason for staying in the marriage despite these reasons.-> refuse changes, simply want to live life as it is...in short, lazy. Yes, sometimes when a person reach an certain age, we just want to remain in our comfort zone and moved away from changes. It is actually scary and tire to think, of starting the whole cycle of knowing another person, going through the whole love/hate/sweet/bitter process...but guess what, my this lazy friend is now in love again. So, I hope the same will happen to you....so make your decision to move on, and happiness will comes. Good Luck and take good care. Take one step at a time, we all are in a learning process everyday, sometimes, a changes is for the better and not worse. Talk to your love ones your decision, you will find strength and support from them.
     
  33. miorei

    miorei Member

    i too have been with a man for the past decade only to realise that he did not love me for who I am. after much thoughts, i have decided to move on with my gal. we deserve a much better life than this. we r still young. we should not be coped up in a loveless marriage. once u have decided to move on, u will be happier. *hugz*
     
  34. dore

    dore Member

    bemybaby,
    you are amazing to have endured all these.
    you said you married him becos he is 'simple', but maybe he is indeed too simple.

    decide if you would want to move on from this marriage. believe you are still attractive and can find somebody who truly loves and treasure you.
     
  35. learningmum

    learningmum New Member

    Hi

    After i read through this thread,
    "said is always easier than done."

    What u r really waiting for...a miracle i guess..

    I believe your friends and family might have also given u amber of support like the friends here do....but u still very keen on the marriage u dislike... To be frank, if u dun help urself to be happy, nobody can.

    If u r still so unhappy, i suggest drop the idea of having baby or adopt child...u will just bring ur unhappiness to them...it's unfair... they r not your solution to your unhappy marriage...

    Sorry if i have offended u or others... but i just feel that, it's what u can do for urself, not what other people can do for u. If u have already tried your best to maintain the marriage but still it won't work...then just let go.. It a bless for u and your friends and family... But if u insist to carry on with this marriage, then is u who r to blame not anyone else, cos u r a grow-up not teenager...u shall be responsible to your decision.

    All these are from my personal experience...you have to learn to love and respect yourself if you want people to give you all these.

    I'm very sorry if i am being too rude to make such a comment... Take care...hope you will be happy soon.
     
  36. jazel_baby

    jazel_baby New Member

    u are in charge of ur own happiness.........
     
  37. mixue87

    mixue87 New Member

    Hey gAl i must say u are really indeed strong.. As i'm a child of a divorced parents.. I am very against divorce if u have children, unless things is really bad.
    But however ur cases. i really think u need to sit him down and talk seriously. Happiness is in our own hand . We can only live once, so we must live it to the fulless n with no regrets.. We are all human , human makes mistake n wrong choices, most important is we must learn from it, move on if we have to any live better wif no regrets..[​IMG]

    " Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat u right. Forget about the ones who don't, believe everything happens for a reason. If u get a chance, take it. Nobody said it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it."

    P.S : Do take care...
     
  38. tabbu1_786

    tabbu1_786 New Member

    hi Demybaby, There are only two options. Either ur hubby is having some sexual problems or he is having an EMF. In former case, try to talk to him and take him to doctor if he agrees. If he is still trying to avoid then just call ur inlaws and tell them that thier son is impotant.

    I suggest just make things clearer to the world that ur hubby is just using u and not fulfilling a husband's duties.

    These kind of men should be punished so badly that they shouldnt lift his head. Tell the whole world is is impotant and divorce him. he deserves to be punished. why ru suffering? You will be very relieved and happy after divorce. when it comes to ur parents. They will surely understand you. If they dont then i think ur working and u can stay independently.

    Sorry if i hurt u.
     
  39. pingytan81

    pingytan81 New Member

    Hi Bemybaby.
    Sorry if i m rude.
    just feel that u & yr hubby should see a marriage counsellor b4 going into adopting a child?
    find out the real problem 1st.
    wat for go & adopt a child when yr marriage is unhappy?
    R u going to make the child unhappy too?
    wat if u & yr hubby divorce later? that poor child will suffer.
    Since u have no baby yet, sort the things out with yr hubby.
    if yr marriage can save, save it(provided u still love him).
    if yr marriage can't b save, end it.
    Then dun waste yr time on this man!
    While u r still young, find another man.
    I have relatives & friends who divorced & re-married & now they r very happy with their current marriage.
    Try to talk to yr mum regarding yr issue. let her know wat r yr sufferings. divorce is not a taboo in this society anymore. dun suffer in silent.
    i m not encouraging u to divorce but i seriously think tat u deserved happiness.
    It really makes me sad seeing u suffer in silent.
    REALLY HOPE U WILL B HAPPY!!!
     
  40. stshaw

    stshaw New Member

    Hi all

    I wonder about my marriage too......... we courted for about 3 yrs before and now we're married for 6 yrs. My husband provides well but he behaves differently in public and in private.

    Would you think that eye contact is important?

    In public, he'd behave in a regular way, speak to me with eye contact and amicable with company around. When we're alone in his place, (he's always reminding me this is his place, he has refused to buy HDB or an apt with me) he would not look at me when speaking. Most days when he wakes up and see me, he'd be moody and hostile when I try to talk to him. He's nice when he's expecting to have sex that night.

    All these years I've been telling myself that perhaps his upbringing was poor and it's not his fault and in time he would change. He's still the same, he gets angry over the slightest thing and explodes in an instant over something I said weeks ago in passing that he did not like. He had made a judgement over my remarks without verifying the context or he had just heard part of the conversation I had with someone or saw part of some incident.

    Same like bemybaby, I think my husband expects me to manufacture happiness on my own and only wants to see my happy face while he creates tension filled moments and leaves me confused for long periods of time and by not wanting to discuss how to resolve them

    Wanting to sit down to dinner at home is like pulling teeth. When we first got married the 1st few weeks, I'd ask if he's hungry? does he want to eat? he'd blink at me and ask me to eat on my own. Weeks later, he told he thought I was forcing him to eat when he was not hungry. I think it's only polite to ask our family, so that I can prepare enough if we are eating together.
    When I was telling him what my next day schedule was running errands, he exploded and told me to just do my own thing and stormed off. Weeks later, he told me he thought I was expecting him to accompany me, he was upset that I was needy. ?!?!?!?! I thought we were just having conversation. It was not as if I was rambling on for 30 mins, it was only 5 sentences, 1-2 mins at most.

    When we finally sit down to dinner, I've never seen him smile. When my bro and his family come over for dinner, he'll leave the dinner table when he's done. When his bro and sis and their family come over, he'd sit at the dinner table until everyone is done.
    When we are out to dinner with others, including my family. He would behave amicably.

    He's just very moody at home. I often think of leaving him but many people have told me that I should think of others that have women and money problems. They see my husband behave in public but not when he's alone with me. Only God knows and if I had a nannycam to show, it's difficult for anyone to believe how different he can behave.

    I've spoken to him about this, he'll deny and say that I'm trying to pick a fight and then give me the cold shoulder from 2 weeks to 7 months. I'm not a spiteful person, I'd still talk to him but he will ignore me. During these periods, when I was down with a cold or not feeling well, he'd aske the maid to prepare bird's nest for me but he won't talk to me.

    I'm constantly confused if he wants this marriage. He's not interested in having a child, I feel like a whore. After his periods of madness, he'd buy me expensive gifts and I had thought of not accepting it.........then what, let him continue with his silent treatment. I've done nothing wrong. When I try to explain that he's misunderstood me, he'd accuse me of spoiling his mood if I don't accept his gifts, he'd ignore me again for weeks and months. He would buy CNY gifts for my family and close relatives. He thinks that he is a very good husband.

    CNY is most trying on me. I have to appear happy mingling, when his family is over. When they leave, he's all black face and ignores me. He make me feel as if I'm imposing on him. He only wants to come to me as and when he feels like it and the rest of the time, he wants to be left alone. He's not interested in hearing my problems or comfort me when I'm feeling down. I'm expected to be invisble and appear smiling when he comes to me.

    In the 3 years of courtship, we were always out with his friends and I never got to see how it was hanging around the house. Even on vacation, we were with his friends and it was always the girl's and guys doing their own stuff. Funny how I did not suspect then it was strange.

    Now, I'm seriously thinking about leaving him. I think about how I'd like to live a happier life with a husband that can truly share a life with and can talk and do things together, but most friends tell me there's only a real marital problem if it's to do with money or another women and I should think twice about leaving.
     
  41. balloonmum

    balloonmum New Member

    stshaw,

    i quote
    '' but most friends tell me there's only a real marital problem if it's to do with money or another women and I should think twice about leaving.''- only u know how u feel,dont listen to frends,if there is sumwhere u can go once u have divorced,that will b easier on u,like back to ur parents- remember,life is going on n we must move on,if u r unhappy,do sumthing 4 urself & not waste time on a loser.u derserve much better,we all do.u deserve to be a mom,to be treasured & loved..
     
  42. stshaw

    stshaw New Member

    Hi Siti

    Thanks for your response.

    The things is, my parents have both passed away, (my mum 5 years ago) and I really don't have a place to go. I've been working from home part time for the past 6 years (little pocket money and isolated from the world) and hardly have any biz contacts to really look for a job. I'm thinking I'll have to start out now to build something and leave in a year or something like that.
     
  43. dore

    dore Member

    hi stshaw,

    i'm sad to hear of your predicament.

    But its good that you have some form of aim in your life. Tho you may be 'isolated' from the world, it comes from you if you wish to take the first step to move on. And its only you who can do that. Its gd to have friends to come by and encourage you along the way.
    Its tough rite now to look for a job, but you can always try. Never give up. And you do not always need biz contacts to get a job. Rite? How abt exploring taking up some course to upgrade yourself? it helps to take some of these stress off you.

    As for the thought of leaving your husband, its a decision you have to make yourself. But, always remember to be strong and be courageous in watever comes your way after that. Have faith.

    Lastly, Be Kind to Yourself.
     
  44. pinktweet

    pinktweet New Member

    stshaw
    Yes, agee with Dore, be KIND to yourself ... 6yrs have passed and you have endured through it, now it's time u do a reflection of what you have been through these 6yrs and are you happy? Are you willing to go through another 6yrs or 12yrs or 18yrs of the same kind of lifestyle as now? By then, you would be isolated from the world for even longer and even harder to get back to the 'world' ..

    You are still young and move on while you are still young .. Time is against women, if you know what i mean .. [Just Curious: How he did court you last time? Was he nice and romantic then?]
     
  45. foxgal

    foxgal New Member

    bemybaby.

    you are indeed most patience woman..i dont know how u you can tahan so long..sorry to say..if i were you i would leave him asap..

    find your own happiness..you deserve it..
     
  46. stshaw

    stshaw New Member

    Hi Dore and PinkTweet

    Thanks for your encouraging words.

    During courtship, he was nice. He was still nice when we are in public or with company or when he wants to have sex. It bothers me that he is different in private, he is very moody.

    I feel confused most of the time because he'll get moody and ignore me for weeks and months on end if I want to discuss concrete plans about the future/children. Now he's ignoring me for the past 6 weeks already.
     
  47. cutejojo

    cutejojo Member

    there must be something to make u hang on for so long..
    salute, but hv u asked urself if this relationship can last long?
    do u still to be with him & let him telling u off again & again???

    how many 6yrs can a woman hv?
    many things can be achieved in 1 day, 6yrs???
     
  48. nip1

    nip1 Member

    stshaw, I still think communication is the key to solve problems. However,it needs both parties to try and talk about the issues at hand and not just one party. You must think for yourself at this juncture. What do you really want? What do you expect? Have you tried already? I guess no one can really give you a solution because everyone is unique in what they are facing. Talk to friends and think about it, are you going to be like that for the rest of your life?
     
  49. stshaw

    stshaw New Member

    Thanks cutie and nip1 for your comments.

    When we first got married, he'd only stay with me (I had my own place then and my mother was sickly) a few days a week and the rest of the time, he'd be at his own place (we stay here now). I had not said anything to his family before and though I was dissapointed, I did not object to my husband's decision, I was occuppied with my mother's issues.

    After about 10 months, his sister said something to me and I told her about our living arrangements. A few weeks later, my husband said his sister told him to spend more time with me and she thought it's not nice to have such living arangements.

    I think it was our 2nd year of marriage, I manage to persuade him to see a counseller. My mother was very sick at the time and as a care giver, we (my sibling, myself and spouse if possible) were encouraged by the hospital staff to see a counseller on a regular basis, twice a month. I told my husband that if he would attend a session with me it would help me to cope with my mother's issues. He agreed, reluctantly.

    The counseller asked questions and his response to the counseller was that he wanted his privacy and did not want to share his feelings. She asked him what he'd expect from me as a wife. He answered that he wanted me to understand him, to be an understanding wife. When she asked him how would she (me) be able to understand him if he is not willing to share feelings or discuss issues. He couldn't answer and stormed out of the counseller's office. Needless to say, he ignore me for about 3 months.

    Why am I hanging on? Counsellers and friends tell me money and infidelity are the 'real' problems in marriage. If this were to be a yard stick, then I have no problems. The reality is would I have a place to move into after I leave him? Am I financially independent and mentally strong enough to start a new life, after not been working at a regular job for 6 years?

    We are very different people and have nothing much in common. I can and have cultivate interest for his interests, but he does not and will not try my interests.

    I was naive to think that love was enough, that if he agreed to get married, he would know what to do and what to expect.

    At some point, I guess I will have to bring up divorce, he probably won't. He would just want to come and go as he pleases and put me in a situation of 'take it or leave it'. He is always saying there's no problem in our marriage...'I don't give you women or money problems, I provide well for you...'

    I spend my days alone, keeping my self occupied but there is no togetherness in this union. It's really quite a meaningless marriage, no children, no common interests, no communication, he's not even making an effort to do any of the above mentioned or talk about our future and gets moody at my suggestion to even talk about these issues.

    He wanted a big grand wedding, a wife to show in pubic. We have not even taken a vacation alone, it's always with his friends or I have to take a vacation with my own friends.
     
  50. dore

    dore Member

    Quote: 'Counsellers and friends tell me money and infidelity are the 'real' problems in marriage'... Really? just these 2 items? In your case seems to be a total communication breakdown.

    I am really puzzled by ur husband's behaviour... why the secrecy? Is he hiding something? Is he depressed or something? Its really strange.

    Tho he had mentioned that he don give u money or women problems, but he had neglected the emotional needs of yours.. which is also impt, rite?
     
  51. stshaw

    stshaw New Member

    Thanks Dore for your response.

    Yes, we see emotions as part of a union, but he does not. When my mother passed away, he was neither supportive nor comforting towards me. He said his mother also has passed away, he was not in need of anyone to comfort him then, why should I need any.

    This does not make sense. I met him 5 years after his mother passed away. He was living with his sick mother for quite a long time and he had never been in a long term relationship before he met me.

    His eldest brother was also having cancer and died about 8 months later after my mother died. Then his other brother died 1 month later of cancer also.

    Come to think of it, maybe he is secretive about his health. He refuses to do medical check up.

    When his eldest brother was sick in the hospital, I stopped by one day on my own as I was visiting some one else in the same hospital. His wife, my sister-in-law was unloading on me about her husband's behaviour and she told me that the brothers are all moody and secretive, she has been married the longest into this family. I guess it is a family trait and up bringing.
     
  52. pinktweet

    pinktweet New Member

    Quote: 'Counsellers and friends tell me money and infidelity are the 'real' problems in marriage'...

    Yes, breakdown of communication and emotions will eventually lead to infidelity one day if a nice guy happens to come into your life .. When that happens, then there is ground for marriage breakdown? .. Infidelity won't happen for nothing cos it takes 2 hands to clap .. if that really happens, then it's not your fault, stshaw..
     
  53. stshaw

    stshaw New Member

    Hi PinkTweet

    Thanks for responding. The part I can't understand is why he is always sending me mixed signals and he does not want to communicate...

    CNY time, he'd bring back my favourite CNY food Yu Sheng, 2 packs at a time and leave them in the fridge but he won't eat with me when I asked him at dinner time. He's not crazy about this so I know it's only for me. He asked me again if I wanted somemore a few days before 15th lunar month, last day for Yu Sheng. I said, OK and he brought them back, I had to ask my friends over to eat with me. The first time, I had to toss out one pack.

    I think he should just be a man and tell me he no longer wants to stay in this marriage and set me free. For whatever reason, another women or just find me not interesting anymore, or prefers to live alone...whatever. Such a coward....at this point, I won't even want to reason or persuade him on why we should stay together and work out our marriage.

    I've had some good news, thank God business is picking up and I look forward to be financially independent and I can up and leave soon, maybe in a year or so. I've stayed home worked partime all these years because he wasn't happy that I was working and wanted me to travel with him. When we got married, it was all different.

    If I had continued working, our marriage would have just broken down in maybe a year?!?!. I would have had my own life and not this one with him. I now see that he just wanted to control me with money.
     
  54. pinktweet

    pinktweet New Member

    Now I can understand why you are still hanging on. Jia-you in your biz and u can be fled when the time comes or when a right man comes to 'rescue' you :p
     
  55. stshaw

    stshaw New Member

    Hi PinkTweet

    Thanks for your encouraging words, I will jia-you and look forward to better things and a great future!

    No women wants to get married just to live alone and live separate lives. The whole CNY 2 weeks, asking me about the Yu sheng was the only 2 times he spoke to me and only ate with me 2 times when his relatives were over for dinner and spoke to me, merry making with everyone and me. The moment they left, he put on his sour puss face and wanted to be left alone.
     
  56. qugene

    qugene New Member

    Hi Stshaw,
    Just to share my own life experiences, communication can actually cause a marriage breakdown. I went thru what you are going thru now 'no good reason' to divorce, so I though having a child will close the gap, can get the child to invite him to join in our activities, naively thinking that I’ll be able to touch his heart thru the child. Sadly, the child will only magnify the problem, then on the verge of divorce; we decided to seek professional help. I start to understand a lot about my HB, a side which nobody was able to tell me (including himself), of course that was the side that I always felt out of reach. I am lucky that I went to a psychologist not counsellor, as before that I actually seek help from family centre counsellor and even church pastor, not that they are no good but I just find that they don’t hold neutral view point thus one party will feel ‘bullied’ in the engagement. Nothing will work out if both party are not comfortable sharing with the facilator.
     
  57. matsu

    matsu Active Member

    Hi Linda, may i know where did u go for your psychologist?
     
  58. stshaw

    stshaw New Member

    Hi Linda

    Thanks for sharing, I really appreciate it. I would not want to have a child with a reluctant husband.

    I've seen a psychologist too. My husband is not interested in speaking to anyone or work on our marriage, simply not interested in in-depth communication.

    The simple act of asking questions, to him; is confrontation. I've never been the type to just call and ask where he is or who he's with, not with any previous boyfriend nor him. He just comes and goes as he pleases. He never asks me either, but I always tell him. Half the time, I think he's not listening. But I'm not a spiteful person, I don't belive in tit for tat, disappear or runaway just to teach him a lesson, that would only aggravate matters. I want to talk things over and believe that through communication, empathy and understanding, we can all find some solution or reach some agreement/arrangement in any situation, be it work or personal. My family is very open/broad minded and we talk openly and often and have parties all the time.

    All I can say is his upbringing is very different from mine. A wife is to be seen, all dressed up but not heard. Safe topics to discuss at family gatherings (once or twice a year) are the weather, food and travels. Not to talk about ourselves but ok to gossip about neighbours and friends. All his siblings are like that. They had rows in the past and just let things be for years not talking to each other. Only when they were sick and last year of their lives did they get together again.
     
  59. miorei

    miorei Member

    like linda, having a child did magnify the underlying issues i had with my husband. he's too emotionally dependent yet domineering. after i delivered my child, i saw v clearly for the 1st time in a decade tat that was the kind of man i married - depressed, self conscious, momma's boy whose folks did make our issues worse. i'm glad i had my child cos she was the 1 who taught me how i shld be loved and how love could be reciprocated both ways. i'm in the midst of starting a new life with my child now. like what others had shared earlier, it's ur own life and u r in charge of ur own happiness. jia you!! [​IMG]
     
  60. eunicec82

    eunicec82 New Member

    Hi Linda

    Can i have the contacts of your psychologist?
    I am down with a depression and i need someone to talk to. I guessed i am in a terrible state myself.

    Pm me if possible and what are the charges as well.

    I hope things will change better for all of you.
    Sometimes i wonder why are we woman so unfortunate? why bad things keep happening to us and yet there are some wives that are evil yet they have the husband who treats them like angels?

    I feel so miserable and down. I am very devastated.
     

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