MIL vs. Helper

Dear mummies,

Just seeking some advice on how to settle some domestic issues at home at the moment.

I engaged an Indonesian helper 3 months ago as I am expecting #2 and I am a FTWM. Before helper came, #1 was being taken care of by mil but there were a number of hygiene issues (baby often broke out in rashes and had stomach flu). This made me very unhappy but I am at her mercy. I need to continue working as we needed to pay for our new place which just obtained TOP status last month.

When we informed mil that we have collected the keys to our new place, we started to hear many stories about the helper. mil told us that the helper came out of the bathroom half naked knowing well that my fil was in the house. I did not believe her and wanted to ask my helper but mil stopped me saying that she has already told her off. She also claimed that the helper was carrying my son and hanging the bamboo full of laundry out to dry. I wanted to ask the helper about it as well but was stopped again by mil which made me start to doubt her words.

During weekends, mil will go marketing and buy all of us breakfast / lunch at the same time but for some unknown reason, she didn't buy any food for the helper last Saturday. Instead she told the helper to cook instant noodles with an egg. My helper did not finish the noodles and she went into the bathroom to cry. From my understanding, that morning she was just given a small piece of bread to eat by my mil. I offered to go out to get her lunch (after cooking lunch for my son) but she told me it is ok yet she still continued crying. mil saw and she got very angry, telling me that my helper thinks she will have an easy life here in Singapore, there are plenty of helpers eating instant noodles everyday and my helper should be thankful she was given an egg to cook with her noodles. I got really upset with her words and told her off. For the amount of work done during the day, the helper should be given enough food to sustain her till her next meal and not just instant noodles.

Besides the food issue, I do realize that mil is also teaching my son to turn against the helper. She will snatch my son from her while she is on the playmat with him and will laugh when my son doesn't want my helper to carry him. In fact, she doesn't stop him when my son tries to kick my helper as well. I chided my son when I saw these scenes only to have my mil laugh it off. Now I feel my son has become a spoilt brat and will throw tantrums unnecessarily...

is my mil feeling insecure that we are moving out that's why she has resort to all these antics, hoping that we will send the helper home? I want to understand both of them from their point of view but one is headstrong and difficult to communicate with and the other (my helper) is meek and refuses to be frank with how she is feeling. I still need them to work together to take care of my children and now with the current situation so tensed up, it is hard...

Anyone has similar experience?
 


First of all,u want ur son to be taken care by who?mil or helper?if u trust ur helper to take care of ur son,then u shld treat ur helper well n just ignore ur mil .end of the day,ur helper is staying with u n not ur mil n u need to depend on ur helper most of the time n not mil once u moved out.so just ignore mil.some of them really have many patterns to jeopardize relationship btw husband n wife or helper .so believe in urself..
 
Sounds like your MIL is very insecure lah... What are your childcare arrangements like after #2 is born?

You need your husband to talk to MIL - the helper is here to help HER. If she thinks helper is no good, want to change or not? Let her know helper is dispensable, MIL (fortunately/unfortunately), will have to be "till death do us part". She needs to feel secured then she will help to train and access the helper. Else, it would just be jealousy etc.
 
Is not easy to find a helper that our parents approve of...
Mistreating the helper really doesn't help the situation. They can get stressed and God knows what they will do?!
Share w your mil the article on the helper hacking elderly employers recently. Allo you really want one day this happen meh?
I'm sure she doesn't.
Start working on ur mil angle... If another baby comes. Without a helper can she cope?
My Fil and mil gave me living hell when I wanted my kids to be brought up at my parents' place. You know what, I had my first girl at their place for 6mths and I have them a taste of monster mom in me.
My girl a bit a bit stuff I wld expreas my displeasure openly. When we moved my girl to my mums place I think they wld have held a celebration.
Then I also openly said Aiya second kid maybe I'll quit my job take care of the kids. My mil express no support on that. Cos hubby still gives them money. If I dun work, dun expect the money to come ah.
Sometimes you need to present the challenges in their face before they get it.
A FtWM needs a peace of mind that when our children are with the caregiver. Else how to work if you are worrying all the time...
 
Hi Mummies,

Thank you all for your input! :)

I would prefer to have my helper take care of my #1 and eventually #2 with my dad who will be staying with us at the new place. However I am pretty sure mil will create havoc if she hears about it. At the end of it, they are my children and I should have every right to plan for their future but mil will always want to come into the picture somehow. I just don't seem to understand why she doesn't like the people who are here to help her out - be it my helper or even my confinement lady who was taking care of #1 the last time. I engaged the same CL to help me with #2 and believe it or not, she told my hb to ask me and CL not to do confinement at her place but I am to leave #1 behind with her which I made it clear it will never happen. #1 will follow me wherever I go.

I will be sending #1 to childcare come Jan 2017 so helper will be taking care of #2 on her own. Should my mil wants to come visit, my door is ALWAYS open, I do not bear grudges against her. I reckon she must be feeling insecure inside but she is not being honest with her feelings but the things she is saying / doing is causing the relationship to worsen. Sometimes it affects me at work at all that is happening at home but I really have no choice... I can only hope my helper will be independent enough soon.
 
U must share w ur mil horror stories.
if u leave #1 they will form an abandonment perception. And grow up hating #2.
Say stuff like I have a friend ah send the #1 to childcare after they had #2. The #1 everyday hit #2 lah, hate the second kid. (True story)
So they need to be together from the start.
In fact it will be hardest for u cos you need to juggle both kids.
So the only solution is have everyone at mil place. Ask her can anot.
She sure say cannot mah... So no choice all go to ur place.
Must direct the conversation to MIL to make the decision.
 
You need to have a good talk with your mil, find out what she's unhappy about. moving out doesnt really solved the problem , it will eventually worsen/ ruined your r/s with your mil and husband.
Alternatively u ask her pick the maid she approved of lor. if the maid she choose cmi, then in future she wont make so much noise.
 

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