Should I stay or leave?

iljpg

New Member
I've been married for 12 years with no children. For the first 5 years I've been struggling and learned not to care so much in order not hurt myself as my husband is the type of caring his mother and sister more than me. He always asked me not to compare this and everyday after he wake up the first thing he will do is call up his mother and sister and check if they need him to get anything. We stay nearby anyway and my sister in law has mental problem. I showed respect to my in law family despite how unhappy I am and we have basic courtesy relationship even my in law is very political person. Due to different working shift, my husband and I rarely meet each other during weekday and even on weekend he will spend half day at his mom's place or sometime stay over. I don't mind for not going out and only request him to have dinner together during our birthday and anniversary celebration.

During these 12 years, we had only 3 big quarrels. The small arguments usually settled within few days as he said he prefer not to bring problem for more than a day but in reality I was the one usually give in. He has high ego and always wants me to listen to him, always think he is right even he is not. He always think negative of others inclusive me, look down on others inclusive me also but I never provoke him.

First blow up when I chose to abort the baby during our 5th year of marriage. I know I'm cruel and my reason is financial issue as we didn't earn much at that time. I have my own mother to take care and she needs therapy and medication monthly. In addition, I also feel my husband is not responsible enough. I can't handle having baby and taking care my mom at the same time. I can't cope to do everything by my own, as in very simple scenario when I was sick he don't even care or buy a meal for me. What he cares just the 2 at the other house. Majority of the errand and all housework done by me. I persuade myself to be ok with reason he work night shift very tiring. We settled this dispute and things started to get better again after few years.

Second blow up was last year when he told me he wants to make a trip with his friends to Batam. He accidentally told me his friend booked one room for him and he don't know how to answer me when I asked why he need to stay alone in a room and not sharing with his friend? I talk to him nicely and ask him not to go but he insisted. 2 weeks before his trip while I was doing laundry, I spotted his shirt has strong perfume smell and I confront him immediately. He said he went to karaoke with his friends a night before but didn't do anything. I told him I can't trust him to go Batam and again I begged him not to go. He was angry and said I control him too much and not trust him. I was so pissed and immediately asked for divorce. After few days he gave in to me and cancel his trip. It took me almost few months to forget and forgive and the karaoke perfume scene still haunting me sometime.

2 weeks ago he brought his sister's dog back to our place. Honestly, before we married I already told him I scared of dog and every time when I went to my in law place I always hide one corner and stay as far as I can from the dog. In the past, the dog rarely came to our place so I can close 1 eyes but for the past 2 weeks he has brought the dog back to our place for more than 3 times. I talk to him nicely not to but he scolded me said I'm calculative, the dog is part of their family. Every time after the dog left our place, I have to vacuum the floor and sofa to make sure is really clean. Yes I have clean freak and also recently my shoulder suddenly has kind of rashes which quite disturbing. I'm not sure if cause by dog fur or bug. Can you imagine how tired and helpless you have to do cleaning after long working day? We didn't talk to each other that day but next day and next few days I tried to make up by started small talk and buy meal for him. He has no response and punished me like hell, don't want to talk to me. Don't even want to see my face when I'm inside the room. We sleep in different room since few years back because I'm allergic to aircon.

I'm tired and feel like I'm useless. Before I can recover my feeling, he brought the dog again to our place this Monday. This time I was really mad as I have to do cleaning again after work and it was Monday! .I bang the vacuum so loud and laundry basket. I can't control my emotion as I already sound out what I dislike. He said he can't live with me anymore; I also angry but I don't have any guilty feeling nor want to give in. I give in for many years and I don't have many request in the whole 12 years of marriage. Whatever he said I will do as long I can tolerate. I never put any negative comment when he complain about others. Next day after the quarrel is our 12 years anniversary and he left to Bangkok with his friends. What a surprise for me. He texted me said he is going there for 6 days. I called him and ask if he wanna give up this family? He said yes and asked me not to disturb him. I'm a human but can't even compare to the dog, I'm always last item in his list, after his family, dog and friends. I was wondering why he marry me? Maybe as a maid or a robot whom he can control in his way? What he think is only himself and his family. He ever told me he want to retire in Malaysia and leave me alone in Singapore when old age. He ever jokingly told me he didn't win any 4D or TOTO after married which means I didn't bring any luck to him. He always said I stupid but in reality I study higher than him, I work in office while he is taxi driver. He don't even have a job before we married, he can't work long, always complain pay low but need to work so much. Everything spoil at home or anything not go according to his way, he will say is my fault which I just quiet and never provoke him. The reason I give in is I feel guilty for the abortion and try to make up.

With the runaway action I don't know how to forgive and forget. Should I leave or stay? Btw after he reached there he texted me and said he has stroke symptoms because of me which after whole night consideration I don't think I want to take the blame this time. Why can't he think the stroke symptoms came from his smoking, drinking habit and also unhealthy eating style? I boiled herbal and flower tea regularly at home but I have to forced him to drink every time. When he happy he will drink it or just leave in the fridge when he no mood. I always prepare home cooked meal during weekend and public holiday, sometime even when I'm not too tired after work during weekday. Am I doing not enough? I don't know and I'm lost. I want to divorce but will it settle the issue? If not divorce, can I forgive this irresponsible guy who leave me alone at home and having fun with his stupid frens?
 


You may wish to do more good deeds. I know it's easier said than done when you were at that position then.. hope you are able to make peace with your heart.
 
Hi iljpg

The gab btw u both have widen thus far n honesty ... not sure how old u yr n how determine u r ...divorce n starting all over isnt cheap n easy .... but its obvious his " friends" introduced distractions.

We cant advise u to stay or divorce ..its ur call but i can say divorce is a tough road... i self represented so i can tell u every freaking process of it ...so since u hv no kids, He'll surely contest the house
 
Hi iljpg

The gab btw u both have widen thus far n honesty ... not sure how old u yr n how determine u r ...divorce n starting all over isnt cheap n easy .... but its obvious his " friends" introduced distractions.

We cant advise u to stay or divorce ..its ur call but i can say divorce is a tough road... i self represented so i can tell u every freaking process of it ...so since u hv no kids, He'll surely contest the house

I'm 42 and these 3 years I had better job with 3+k monthly, earning more than my husband. Previously I only earned 1.5-2k monthly. Last year when I asked for divorce I told him I will buy over the house from him as I need the place to stay. He said he will transfer it to me and I don't need to buy. He will move back to his mom's place and stay. I know divorce is tough but I can't put myself to give in this time. I married him not because of money, when my dad passed away and my mom had cancer surgery I never even ask a single cent from him. I settled all the financial problem by myself with my low salary. I can say I never bring problem in front of him except the 3 above. I rarely nag and just follow his instruction most of the time except certain cases above I really can't do. I even agreed to move back to my in law's place and take care of her in one of the discussion although deep in my heart I protested so much. God help me as he suddenly decided not to. He went for drink occasionally with his friends and I just nicely told him to be careful and not drive his taxi to avoid drink driving. I so much pissed with his group of friends.
 
Hi illpg

Since that's yr stand n you are determine..why not for last resort ..try counselling, if that fails, that at least you had given fair chance to him...economy is going down n down n nobody can guarantee tmr, may b he's feeling the impact ... when all else fail, your consious is clear ...go Uncontested n state yr terms... God bless
 
u have no kids. this makes it a lot easier to consider ur options esp when u are working n earning your own keep as well.

i would go with my gut feel... life is too short to live with someone who doesnt cherish you. i would say 42 is a still great age to start afresh.
 
Hi iljpg, it's not for us to incite you to divorce, or force you to stay either. But it does sound like your hb can't be bothered about your feelings.... Is he behaving this way because of your decision to abort ? He's not wrong to care about his mom and sis, but he can't neglect you too. I believe at the time when you found out that you were pregnant, it could have been a chance to make or break the marriage.. make as in - work together to find options to raise the child within your means, or break - as in what's happening now. Well, regardless, your mind already knows which side your leaning more towards. Life is short, you don't wanna be on your deathbed and regret that you didn't really live a life.
 
Hi iljpg, it's not for us to incite you to divorce, or force you to stay either. But it does sound like your hb can't be bothered about your feelings.... Is he behaving this way because of your decision to abort ? He's not wrong to care about his mom and sis, but he can't neglect you too. I believe at the time when you found out that you were pregnant, it could have been a chance to make or break the marriage.. make as in - work together to find options to raise the child within your means, or break - as in what's happening now. Well, regardless, your mind already knows which side your leaning more towards. Life is short, you don't wanna be on your deathbed and regret that you didn't really live a life.

During our courtship and marriage life, he never ever mention about start a family. I was pregnant before but fetus heartbeat can't grow. That was my first abortion in our 2nd year of marriage. After the surgery, he don't even take care of me or very simple buy a meal for me during my MC. Really feel hurt I have to take care everything by my own. Having husband or not is totally no difference at that time. Many reasons for me not to have baby. The way he neglected me also play a part. Our financial not that great at that time.

I told him before he never open up about to start a family, having baby etc with me. His response is like we just think when things happened. No plan and confused so I decided not to risk my life.

Another reason is his family history have mental problem. 2 of his sisters getting this and my in law told me this sickness only run in the female family.
 
Hi iljpg, I see.. I can understand why u didn't want to risk the pregnancy. I can also understand when you say "think when things happen" .. cos that's what happened to my ex and I. But of course we still had our 2 lovely girls but was financially heavily supported by our parents. What made you marry him in the first place? If you were to close your eyes now for about 10 minutes, do good or bad memories come to you? Do you recall happy moments at first thought?
 
Hi iljpg

Let the past be the past ...let it be buried ... now is which road to move on.

No point digging n digging how n why ... most important is Where ...where to go from here. You had access the whole relationship and its really you decision which do you think would be better for you..you know best. Each party have their story and we only hear your point ...so its really not fair for anyone of us to judge.

So long as its a decision that you feel strengthen...hope and peace..nobody have any right to fault you. This is after all..your life to live out.

God bless.
 

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