Divorced with Kids...and Its Aftermath

ash11

Member
I turned 30 this year, and it has been the worst period of my life. I came to realize that marriage & a happy family doesn't just happen, neither do they just last because it has to. They last a lifetime because both parties make effort to keep them going. And if either one doesn't , it'll go bust.

On February 19 this year, my ex-husband EW and I signed the divorce papers. The divorce terms stated me giving up custody of my children, aged 3 and 5, to him. In addition, it also stated that I would transfer the flat to him at no cost , ie, no CPF monies to be returned to me. To top it off, I would have to continue paying him over $1000 for the kids' expenses. The 30 minute session at the law firm was nothing less than hell. My parents were bombarding my phone threatening me not to sign the papers. EW asked me again if i was sure i was gonna sign them. I was drenched in tears while the lawyer asked if i knew what i was signing. I nodded my head but I didn't actually really let the terms and conditions sink in. I just wanted to get myself out of the torture.

I signed it any way, and took a picture of the document with my signature and sent it to my dad in spite. Never did i know that the road to an emotional rollercoaster ride was just beginning.

I had an affair with a guy, WP, 7 years my junior since October last year. EW found out just about 2 weeks after we started, and there were much tears and anguish. I started feeling guilty, and started lying to both guys in a feeble attempt to keep both. Obviously, it didn't work and lies were exposed. Insecurities crept up.

7 months later, EW got attached. I felt offended initially but soon got over it. I could have caught them in bed, but unfortunately the door was locked. I actually didn't mind seeing that scene - both of them coming out of the room together. I still smiled, while EW asked me how my competition went. They were heading out, so i sent them off and closed the door after them.

Violence came into the picture soon after. EW slapped me 4 times on an occasion so hard that i fell onto the pavement, and my ear drum was damaged but fortunately the doctor said I would recover. On another occasion WP found out i was lying and he got so infuriated he kicked, strangled and pushed me.

Friends told me to leave both their lives and focus on my children.

It's been almost year and I'm still with WP. EW and I also signed a new court order stating that he'd give me the kids and the house. He told me he was tired of fighting. EW would be shifting out in a couple of days.

My relationship with WP has been far from what a relationship normally is. We quarrel literally everyday.. a few times a day - at work, after work. It has been stressful, draining and everything but happy. Because of insecurities he has been more than possessive, it suffocates me.

My kids like him. But they don't like him as much as EW's new girlfriend, whom is a single mum with a son of the same age as my elder daughter. Maybe that's why. But there may also be more to it, but they can't express it yet.

I don't know what's holding me back from giving up this relationship. Friends ask if i was afraid to be lonely. I asked myself if i was just afraid of feeling guilty after all that he did for me..

I get envious when i see happy families and happy couples. But i also told myself that I single handedly caused the downfall of everything. I had a choice to live the life i want, but i chose otherwise.

We always have choices.. we always do.
 


ash11, whatever is done is done. We can't reverse it. The only thing to do is to embrace the present and move forward. Ask yourself why did you allow it to happen? Was it worth it? What will you do in your next relationship?

On a brighter tone, it doesn't sound like you had a happy marriage hence you got into an affair. You are still young, give yourself a 2nd chance in life. Another door close is another door open. Learn from your mistakes and never repeat them again.
 
Ash, first of all a big hug to u; U've gone thru such a tough tm in life. I agree w catinsky tt women r susceptible to get into affairs when they r discontented w marriages. (I can understand, for I'm gg thru one myself :/ ). The two men in ur life r violent to hv physically abused u. Violent men aren't good to hang ard w, esp for u having exited a bad marriage n then to land yrself in another abusive r/s. Do keep yr options open in search of guys more deserving of yr love n attention. All the best dear :)

Btw, I feel u needn't pay child maintenance even if u aren't the one having care n control. But nw tt exH has returned u child, u shld b claiming against him instead. Do speak to a lawyer to know yr rights instead of being taken advantage of. First session consultation is free.
 
Hi atthexroad, thanks for your reply. I was just reading your thread earlier about your case too. How have you been?

Hi Gooseberry.. guess what ,the maintenance portion isn't written in our amended court order. that's because exH doesn't want to write it in. I had to accede to his request not to write in otherwise he will not sign the amended order at all and I will have no house nor kids. I didn't know my rights to the women's charter right from the beginning..i just signed away everything because i pitied my exH and i felt guilty. Another lawyer i went to to seek help in trying to get back everything even told me he hadn't seen such a ridiculous court order about the girl giving up everything yet has to pay maintenance.. I revisited this forum again (used to visit it for my pregnancy issues back then) to see what other people are going thru in life as well.. I hope things turn out well for you.

Indeed i had issues with my marriage, but which marriage doesn't have issues? I admit..that being unhappy didnt justify my reason for cheating.

Someone woke me up with this.. and instead of trying to settle the issues, I took the other way out. I'm not perfect, and i shouldn't have expected my exH to be. Our issues were not about him being abusive - it was about me feeling like a married single mum. I just felt like he never bothered about the kids and only played with them when he had spare time. Otherwise, he'll be on his game or busy at work or outside. Not that he didn't do his part at all, but i guess we never really sat down to make sure we wanted to change things before we spiraled downwards. On top of that, I couldn't see his efforts in cutting down smoking.. i even threatened to take my kids and leave to my parents' but he still didn't give a shit. Back then, i never executed my threat and maybe that's why he thinks i'm just an empty vase. WP on the other hand has been more violent that exH. But despite all that crap that i've done to him, he still hung around me. Despite all my lies, staying with exH under one roof..he still stood by me (though yes we quarrelled all the time about me staying with another guy).

I don't know what exactly i want now with WP. He wants us to work and even doesn't mind including his name in my flat to help me finance the flat as i can't really support that with my current CPF contribution (will have to pay cash). I told him that will mean that we'll have to get registered and he is more than happy to do so. I'm really in two minds - i don't even know if this is the way i wanna go.
 
ash11, after reading your case, mine is nothing compared to it. It's just a matter of emotions that I have to learn to accept and let go.

After all you've been thru, please always love yourself first. The fact that WP is violent is something worrying. A man who loves his woman will never ever lay his hands on her. What if he lays his hands on the kids in future? Does he have anger management issues? I would re-think about co-sharing the flat with him. Don't forget he is 7 years your junior. He has nothing to lose even age. What if 7 years later he realized this is not the type of marriage he wants? You need to settle the anger issue with him first before binding your names together.
 
Yeah, he has nothing to lose. He's still got a long way ahead, while i'm already with 2 kids and 30. These past few arguments, i can see his restraint in violence. But there's more to it than just the violence aspect. Sometimes, i know what the choice should be but i don't have the courage to do it. I've been seeing a counselor as well, and my family isn't on talking terms with me. It really hurts because both our families object to this relationship (our families have met a couple of times because of the abuse and stuff , and our moms even exchanged numbers). His mum thinks he's financially unstable to care for me and while my mum thinks the same way too, she has more to worry about because of his abusiveness. It's all red flags in the air. My friends and our colleagues don't even like us being together. I've lost a few good friends cos of this affair.
 
Ash11,

be it ur ex hb or ur current bf, both are nt the man for u. So long that they hit u once they will strike again. U have walked out of an unhappy marriage, so pls do not jump into another one again. I feel that ur bf is nt mature enough. I signed my paper last yr, and like u I hv 2 kids too, 8 and 6 yrs old. I rather stay single then to just find a man who is nt suitable for me again. Maybe becoz I am 41 this yr so I feel I can survive very well alone with juz my kids. If ur kids also see u being abuse by ur partner, what kind of message are u sending to them? Even if you do nt think about urself, pls think for ur kid.
 
Hello all, sad to hear all ur stories and also realised that now a days marriage are so fragile. I have have 2kids too, and our current stage was he still wanna to keep this family be cause of kids, and the same time having her outside. I'm still loving him, stuck in the middle of don't know what to do.

I'm working Mother, SPR, 35yo, in the midst of applying my SC. The worst case is, I have to hold child custody and also the HDB, beside this what else can I ask for??

Need advice
 
U can ask for maintenence for the kids through maintenance order provided yr marriage is rom in Singapore
 
Hello all, sad to hear all ur stories and also realised that now a days marriage are so fragile. I have have 2kids too, and our current stage was he still wanna to keep this family be cause of kids, and the same time having her outside. I'm still loving him, stuck in the middle of don't know what to do.

I'm working Mother, SPR, 35yo, in the midst of applying my SC. The worst case is, I have to hold child custody and also the HDB, beside this what else can I ask for??

Need advice


R u Malaysian? Ur HB is Singaporean or Malaysian? I will suggest you wait till u get Singapore Citizenship then u file, coz by then u be protected under Singapore law and Woman Charter. In SG, custody is usually joint custody unless 1 party give up. Care and Control is usually under mother if the kids are below 12 yrs old (if I remember correctly). As for HDB unless he agree to give u or sell u his share if nt usually sell away and split the sale proceeds (if u hv stay more than 5 yrs). U can ask for child maintenance (start to keep your receipt and record ur expenses esp spending on kids). If ur hubby own a business or hv a much higher income than u, u can ask for maintenance for urself from him too. But of coz all these need him to agree too. I will suggest u look for lawyers that provide free 1st consultation to find out ur legal rights and also to see which lawyer u can relate or talk better before u decided whose service to engage. Also hv to chk the pricing of the lawyer too. My personal feel is to get a female lawyer as they are more likely to be able to understand our situation better.
 
Hi everyone.. it's been a while. Thank you all for your concern and replies.
Things are so much worse now, between me and my parents, and WP's parents.

WP comes up often to my place to spend time with me and my 2 kids. My dad knew about this since about 2 months ago, that WP often came up to help me with housework, and repairing the faulty things in the house. My dad was even ok with WP being with me as long as he didn't hit me again. My dad said as long as he could see I was happy, he'd accept WP.

However, things flipped last week...my parents suddenly came to my place, and demanded I open the door for them. They barged straight into my room with me following behind. WP was at my place, where we were watching a movie on Netflix. My kids were at my parents place that night (it was a Saturday). My parents demanded that WP get out of the house and that he had no right to even step in. I was so enraged and kept questioning why my parents were doing this all of a sudden. My mum told me my kids told her that WP was staying at my place. (My kids are 5 and 3, and I had no idea why would they mention this out of the blue when its been going on for about 2 months...?)

In any case, what ensued was my dad hitting me. I was whacked with a belt on the bed, followed by slaps and hair pulling. WP tried to protect me from being hit by my parents despite being told to leave. I desperately wanted to get out of the house, and by then my head was spinning so badly I had to lie on the floor. My dad pinned me down and didn't let me leave.. I struggled and struggled, and kept screaming. My dad taunted WP to hit him, but WP retorted that he would never hit my dad (of course, if he hit my dad he was gonna be the one in trouble...)

Neighbor heard, and called the police in. It was about midnight then, and police and the paramedics came. My dad called WP's parents down. When the police came and took our statements, my dad started saying that WP had assaulted me before... and all the past events, even though he'd "accepted WP" in the last 2 months. The police told my parents that legally, they had no right to stop me from bringing anyone into my own house. It was my own choice. Of course, my parents, from their point of view, was that they were afraid I'd get pregnant and etc..........When police left, both sides parents had a talk and my dad changed his story again..he told WP's mum, that he could accept WP, but it's whether WP's mom accepted me... I was totally in disbelief that my dad could change his story like that....

Ever since this incident, my relationship with my parents have been more strained than ever... My mum has been texting WP's mom to get her to stop him from coming to my place. She texted his mom saying that my dad will go up and beat him if he does so and she "does not have a choice" but to threaten WP this way. I have sent my parents many messages.... telling them I still respect them as my parents as they brought me up. This is despite whatever they do or say about me . My mum even texted me at 430am one day calling me a shameless woman.

I'm upset because my parents chose to handle the situation this way. I understand they're concerned but I cannot believe my dad would change things around like that or even resort to violence. (I shouldn't be surprised as he has hit me since young, simply because he claims "im your father"). .... I desperately don't want my relationship with my parents to be like that but I really don't know how when they're handling matters this way....
 
Hi everyone.. it's been a while. Thank you all for your concern and replies.
Things are so much worse now, between me and my parents, and WP's parents.

WP comes up often to my place to spend time with me and my 2 kids. My dad knew about this since about 2 months ago, that WP often came up to help me with housework, and repairing the faulty things in the house. My dad was even ok with WP being with me as long as he didn't hit me again. My dad said as long as he could see I was happy, he'd accept WP.

However, things flipped last week...my parents suddenly came to my place, and demanded I open the door for them. They barged straight into my room with me following behind. WP was at my place, where we were watching a movie on Netflix. My kids were at my parents place that night (it was a Saturday). My parents demanded that WP get out of the house and that he had no right to even step in. I was so enraged and kept questioning why my parents were doing this all of a sudden. My mum told me my kids told her that WP was staying at my place. (My kids are 5 and 3, and I had no idea why would they mention this out of the blue when its been going on for about 2 months...?)

In any case, what ensued was my dad hitting me. I was whacked with a belt on the bed, followed by slaps and hair pulling. WP tried to protect me from being hit by my parents despite being told to leave. I desperately wanted to get out of the house, and by then my head was spinning so badly I had to lie on the floor. My dad pinned me down and didn't let me leave.. I struggled and struggled, and kept screaming. My dad taunted WP to hit him, but WP retorted that he would never hit my dad (of course, if he hit my dad he was gonna be the one in trouble...)

Neighbor heard, and called the police in. It was about midnight then, and police and the paramedics came. My dad called WP's parents down. When the police came and took our statements, my dad started saying that WP had assaulted me before... and all the past events, even though he'd "accepted WP" in the last 2 months. The police told my parents that legally, they had no right to stop me from bringing anyone into my own house. It was my own choice. Of course, my parents, from their point of view, was that they were afraid I'd get pregnant and etc..........When police left, both sides parents had a talk and my dad changed his story again..he told WP's mum, that he could accept WP, but it's whether WP's mom accepted me... I was totally in disbelief that my dad could change his story like that....

Ever since this incident, my relationship with my parents have been more strained than ever... My mum has been texting WP's mom to get her to stop him from coming to my place. She texted his mom saying that my dad will go up and beat him if he does so and she "does not have a choice" but to threaten WP this way. I have sent my parents many messages.... telling them I still respect them as my parents as they brought me up. This is despite whatever they do or say about me . My mum even texted me at 430am one day calling me a shameless woman.

I'm upset because my parents chose to handle the situation this way. I understand they're concerned but I cannot believe my dad would change things around like that or even resort to violence. (I shouldn't be surprised as he has hit me since young, simply because he claims "im your father"). .... I desperately don't want my relationship with my parents to be like that but I really don't know how when they're handling matters this way....



Maybe u can request WP to temp move out from your house, meanwhile you talk to your parents again.
 
hi noobee, WP isn't staying with me...he still stays with his parents. He comes up now and then after work and goes off after the kids are asleep. I really dont know how to resolve this...
 
hi noobee, WP isn't staying with me...he still stays with his parents. He comes up now and then after work and goes off after the kids are asleep. I really dont know how to resolve this...

Hi ash

I guess u must be having tough time managing between WP and your parents.

You definitely did not come here to get advices but may just want to pour out your feeling. Cause you sound that you still want to be with WP.

Ask your parents for more time to judge WP, you also need to take care not to commit too much while considering whether WP is suitable. Hope he doesn't abuse you no matter what reason.

take care
 
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Hello all, thanks for all your inputs. And Noobee, yes you're right. I still very much want to be with WP. I know its hard for people to accept that he's hit me before and he'll do it again. If I was a 3rd party today to this incident I would share the same sentiments. But being a first party involved, I'd very much like to believe in him again and hope that he keeps his word that he'll lay a hand on me again. A friend asked me if I'd leave WP if a better guy came along, and to my surprise, I found myself saying no.

It's true, Im here to pour out my feelings because I don't really have anyone to turn to or trust. I can't trust my parents because whatever sadness or negativity I feel, they'll tell EW and will tell WP's parents too , and subsequently use it against me. They did promise me a few times to let me settle my issues on my own sometime back, but that very same afternoon, they went to WP's house behind my back to "confront" WP's parents. I really had felt betrayed back then.

WP's family is caught in between because my parents keep pressuring his parents to get him to leave me. His mum did text me a few times saying that she really don't understand why I wanna hurt my parents and to continue to be with her son when my parents dislike him so much. She asked me not to be naïve and think that my parents dislike WP because of all the negative things I said, but it's simply because they blame him for causing my divorce and that's something I cannot change their mind on.

I don't feel at peace at all, I'm not peaceful. I'm trying hard to concentrate on my work, and make sure my children's emotional and mental health are not affected. At home no matter how down I feel I have to put on a brave front and show them mummy is happy and ok.
 
Hi...your dad have a serious anger management issue ...you are no longer a kid he can whack with a belt ...no one deserves that .... this is your life n your future to live ... scare of your parents then marry your parents ..sorry to say.

Stand up for you rights n defend yourself n your kids ...even your man stand up to your dad cos he knows what is right n what is wrong.

Fight for yourself for once or else dun regret you lost a good man.

Be bless
 
Hi dear..
What you going thru is like...hell..

1st:
you are 30 this year with 2 kids? They are big enough to understand what is going on..
I mean yes you can see anyone..but why wanna show your kids that?
I am sure they said something to your parents that's why they wanna chase you BF out of the house.
2nd:
You are a very selfish woman..
All you post is about you and your BF and you and your hubby...
How about your kids?
Have you ever care about how they feel?
Don't forget you are a mum yourself..not a teenage gal anymore...
Either you buck up..get a life and treat your kids right..if not just leave them at foster care while you continue your crazy hot love life...
3rd:
Whatever choice you made you have to bare it ALL..
All in a way that either the ending is good or bad..you have to suck it up..
I always believe in social circles of friends can change a Persons character,attitude,behaviors ...
So please get a good bunch of friends to mix with then you can see the world in a different light/angle ...
That's when you will start to wake up..and come out of that dark tunnel you are so comfortable in right now...

I have alot of friends that gone thur alot of weird relationships..
Drugs,sex,abuse...etc...
To make a change is not up to me..nor their parents...it is up to them..when they decide to break that circle...
They see things differently..now they are better...way better...
But the kids they have...are the one still suffering from the scar...that the parents have leave them...
The kids are still the one not getting the answer to alot of question in their mind...

Whatever you do think before you act,because they will be looking and they will be learning...
They will grow up to be weird adults like you...
I am 29...with 3 kids..my husband and I have to face every shit ...like it or not we have to make it work..
that is our commitment and promise to our kids..I don't want them to have the family I had when I was a child..
My dad hit my mum..slamming the head on the door..my mum wanna push me off the window...
I want to break my our circle..I want to give my kids a different life from what I am having last time..

You can hate me for saying nasty stuff..but I was a kid from a weird family upbringing ...my teenage life is in a mess..
Only when I met my husband..things change..I hope I can hold on to this family till the day I die.
.that is what I want to show to my kids...the reason behind a marriage...
 
WP is 7 yrs your junior, that makes him 23 only, while u are 30 and a mom of 2 kids

Both of you are in different life stages and maturity. Try to read between the lines, please.
 
Its no right for anyone to say you will flourish in this relationship or in misery .... this is yr life..yr choice to make.

Only bear in mind, every decision comes with consequnces ..good n bad ...you are a mum now ..no longer a little girl, so every decision in you make involves them. God bless
 
Yep looking back I may have neglected my kids in some way.. like what 123 and onsansg suggested..
It is indeed hard to focus on my kids with so much that is going around. I do my best to spend time with them when I get home from work, and on weekends we go out - playground, kite flying, cycling etc.

And yes, every decision I make now is not just for myself but for my kids too. They're only 5 and 3, not that they're too young to understand, but they do understand to a certain extent too. I have tried to explain to them very simply what is happening/happened and will be happening, but I honestly don't think my 5 yr old can really grasp and I don't want to force it either.

Everyone tells me that when they're older, their dad will show them the divorce documents and show them that it was their mom who walked out on the family and even initially signed to give them up. (I initially signed the divorce doc, even on terms that i grant my ex sole custody and care and control and also to give up the house at no cost. Later on, i fought to have them back and my ex gave them to me.)

I'm not afraid to admit that i worry that my kids will leave and hate me when they grow up, after they piece the puzzles together. This is even though I've spoken to my ex before about my unhappiness, but he didn't try to make any effort to change, even when i gave ultimatums ...he just thinks I'm joking. Sometimes i ask myself why everyone blames me for walking out of an unhappy marriage - why do people insist i stay on for the kids. Yes there are people who stay in the marriage for the sake of the kids (like my mom) - some choose to walk away...
 
Yep looking back I may have neglected my kids in some way.. like what 123 and onsansg suggested..
It is indeed hard to focus on my kids with so much that is going around. I do my best to spend time with them when I get home from work, and on weekends we go out - playground, kite flying, cycling etc.

And yes, every decision I make now is not just for myself but for my kids too. They're only 5 and 3, not that they're too young to understand, but they do understand to a certain extent too. I have tried to explain to them very simply what is happening/happened and will be happening, but I honestly don't think my 5 yr old can really grasp and I don't want to force it either.

Everyone tells me that when they're older, their dad will show them the divorce documents and show them that it was their mom who walked out on the family and even initially signed to give them up. (I initially signed the divorce doc, even on terms that i grant my ex sole custody and care and control and also to give up the house at no cost. Later on, i fought to have them back and my ex gave them to me.)

I'm not afraid to admit that i worry that my kids will leave and hate me when they grow up, after they piece the puzzles together. This is even though I've spoken to my ex before about my unhappiness, but he didn't try to make any effort to change, even when i gave ultimatums ...he just thinks I'm joking. Sometimes i ask myself why everyone blames me for walking out of an unhappy marriage - why do people insist i stay on for the kids. Yes there are people who stay in the marriage for the sake of the kids (like my mom) - some choose to walk away...

Hi ash 11

You find it tough to focus on your kids or maybe things around you might due to the confused feeling you had. Sometimes you may find that you are too depressed to deal with your own love life that you choose to ignore the rest of the things around you. And yes, this will affect the kids. They may not express themselves since they are still small but they do feel it. But no point dwelling, you need to accept the fact that the kids are affected and do whatever necessary to Ensure their well being now. Whether your kids will understand you in future will depends on what you do for them now and in future.

Everyone make mistakes. Your mistake is entering into another relationship before you end one. No one should take that as a reason cos it is only an excuse. What more important is to learn from your mistake.

No one is perfect.

Jia you! Do what is best for your kids and yourself.
 
WP and I argued today. He was getting all hostile about a simple matter - finishing the bottle of fish oil he gave me. I haven't been diligently eating it and of course, still had a lot left. He hurled some vulgarities at me and I totally blew up. We got into an argument of course and after dumping my stuff at my office desk I walked out to rethink this relationship. In fact it had been weighing on my mind for a while, I don't know why. It dawned on me that maybe I just wanted to be in this to show my parents that we'd work, not because I really loved him or wanted this. I have no idea.. am very confused sometimes. We got into a tussle because I refused to listen to him talk, I kept walking away back to my office because that'd be where he wouldn't dare to create a scene. I tried to open the door to the lift lobby but he kept pulling me back by my shirt and restraining me. He got so mad because I wouldn't just calm down and listen to him and out of frustration (or whatever), the cigarette in his left hand jabbed my eye lid. It missed by eye by just less than an inch. I screamed. I forced my way in back to my office desk and tried to work as per normal. It's tough but I'm trying.
I kept ignoring him and tried to calm down to think about things. He said next time, if he say sit down and listen, just sit down and listen. Don't walk away. He says my problem is that I can't control my emotions and my anger, that's why my dad, my ex, and him, always have to use violence on me to 'restrain' me. His mum also said I always just choose to run away from problems instead of solving. It makes me think that I asked for the violence to be served on me. I'm very stubborn by nature but it makes me think I deserved all these violence.
 
Gal ...nobody deserves violence ...n nobody deserves to be beaten or abuse verbally ...ur choice of man is wrong ..u are attracted to this group so choose wisely .... think it over
 
Ash: I really think u dun deserve tb treated like this. Yr current bf is finding excuses to control u. Why shld he be resorting to violence to deal with u? Why can't u walk away when u dun wanna listen to him? My hubby for a long time tends to control me, such that when he reprimands me I've to look at him in the eyes or reply in the way he has wanted. A decade later, I then realize he's bn controlling me n he's got no right to. He's like a big bully
 
WP and I argued today. He was getting all hostile about a simple matter - finishing the bottle of fish oil he gave me. I haven't been diligently eating it and of course, still had a lot left. He hurled some vulgarities at me and I totally blew up. We got into an argument of course and after dumping my stuff at my office desk I walked out to rethink this relationship. In fact it had been weighing on my mind for a while, I don't know why. It dawned on me that maybe I just wanted to be in this to show my parents that we'd work, not because I really loved him or wanted this. I have no idea.. am very confused sometimes. We got into a tussle because I refused to listen to him talk, I kept walking away back to my office because that'd be where he wouldn't dare to create a scene. I tried to open the door to the lift lobby but he kept pulling me back by my shirt and restraining me. He got so mad because I wouldn't just calm down and listen to him and out of frustration (or whatever), the cigarette in his left hand jabbed my eye lid. It missed by eye by just less than an inch. I screamed. I forced my way in back to my office desk and tried to work as per normal. It's tough but I'm trying.
I kept ignoring him and tried to calm down to think about things. He said next time, if he say sit down and listen, just sit down and listen. Don't walk away. He says my problem is that I can't control my emotions and my anger, that's why my dad, my ex, and him, always have to use violence on me to 'restrain' me. His mum also said I always just choose to run away from problems instead of solving. It makes me think that I asked for the violence to be served on me. I'm very stubborn by nature but it makes me think I deserved all these violence.

I Guess what you need now is to calm down yours of too.

Stay away from him. Some man can be very persistent. Tell him to give each other time to calm down before any engage any talking. This also avoid crash and quarrels.

Sometimes I feel that once you are used to be alone, actually it can be very peaceful for you.

Jia you!
 
i really dont know why im so faint hearted. Last night we argued again... over some small matters which blew up, and he poured out all his grievances to me. I know everyone here means well. If i were a 3rd party in this scenario, i would also advise the 1st party to leave. But when it happens to me.....

Turns out WP has always felt inferior, because of his past. He didn't have good grades, so he had to do private schools and etc. He got into fights when he was young, joined gangs, and etc. Turned over a new leaf after he got out of the army and matured. Until today I have little clue on his education background. He also didn't wish to tell me what his dad was working as (his mom worked as a nurse) until these 2 months. His dad is a taxi driver, which to me, is nothing to be ashamed of. Due to his age, he only started working about 2 yrs ago after coming out of the army. Salary isn't fantastic, of course. Corporate ranking/title in the company is also just nothing more than a junior.

I'm a degree holder. Nothing to be proud of, because degree holders are aplenty these days. But he/his parents feel he should find someone with equal standing. My dad chose to retire early, while my mum is an AVP. They live in a condo, so people naturally equate that with being rich. At least his parents and sister think so. During the last "showdown" at my place, his parents felt that my parents looked down on him. For having a tattoo, and for having 'lower education'. His sister lashed out at him, saying that me and my rich parents can "play him till die". His mum told him "she can have a very good life cos her parents so rich stay condo but she donno how to treasure". ...Why? Why is family background / equal status whatsoever so important these days? Am i being naive or i just didn't know such traditional thinking still exists?

WP also feels inferior to my ex, who is in sales earning about close to 100K a year including commission. My ex pays a certain sum of money to me monthly for my kids maintenance. WP thinks that i "worship" my ex simply because he is paying maintenance for the kids and WP doesn't give me money. Last night when we argued, he said that my parents and I were the same breed. I got a shock of my life, i was just in disbelief that this was how he thought of me. He said i worship whoever gives me money... he asked me why i was never so harsh to my ex. Was it because my ex was the kids father, while he is not, thats why i can treat him differently? Asked me why do i always deny him of playing the role of the kids dad/step dad... he wants to do his part as a step dad.. Bottom line, he feels threatened by my ex. Maybe partly emotionally, cos sometimes he feels i still have feelings for my ex. I don't - i just don't feel it's necessary to be hostile/rude when the other party is just being reasonable. More so, he feels threatened financially... he feels that because now he doesnt have the capability to support me and my kids, he lose out..

Whatever he did to me in the past (verbal/physical abuse), quarrels, bickers, etc.. i was very quick to "broadcast" to everyone ... i'd go to the office with a black face, sometimes in tears, and it was natural for people to start pointing fingers at him and he became the bad guy. I also poured out many things to my parents. In other words, I was just going around saying how bad he was to me. But never once did he tell anyone all the lies that I've told him, and how i've "cheated" on him. He told me..if you claim u love someone, why would u want to bring the person down? U would lift the person up and protect him/her. He protected me in that way, but i didn't. The moment he became the 3rd party that came into my marriage, people's impression of him just went downhill (naturally).

At such a young age, i dont know why he is "so ready" to take on the role of a parent. He wants to marry me, but he says i'm not ready.... that i can't manage my life, my house and my kids, and my work. Most importantly, he says i dont seem to know what i want in this relationship or if i really even love him. He said i've never really sat down to reflect on myself, why i always want things my way and always so demanding. If all he had was $100, he had already given me his full $100... while my ex, who had $1000, would also give $100... he said he doesn't know what to do anymore to make me happy...can't trust me with his problems, cant turn to me for help. Cos he doesnt know if i will start "complaining" to my parents again.. says that there's alot of things he doesn't dare tell me, because he's afraid i would look down on him or tell everyone else his "disgraceful" past and people would look down on him.

Just ranting out all my thoughts here...i dont know what to make of this. I dont know if i should be thankful that he had stayed by my side thruout the 1 yr even when i had nothing to my name - no house no kids, and he helped me fight to get them back..helped me move out of my comfort zone to a new role (just got promoted..moving office in November).. motivate me to earn more to support my house and kids so that i can be financially independent one day..From last yr Oct since we got together, i was still staying with ex until he shifted last month.. WP was literally worrying every night if i slept with my ex.. those kind of mental torture. Didn't help that he found out all the lies that i said every now and then.. totally no trust at all anymore - just slowly being eroded. But yet he still believes in this rship and believes i can fix us..

Thanks all for listening to me..
 
Love is sacrification
No matter who you love and there's might be no getting back,
And if you don't prepare to sacrifice then don't commit.
It will be better to be lonely!

It is never easy! People tends to feel unjustified when the other party don't understand or don't commit as much.
 
Just wondering, does WP mean that you should keep quiet about his verbal and physical abuse? If it is, it sounds more like he is not protecting you but himself. Who would still smile and laugh after being abused by their partner? If he doesn't want to look bad in front of others, then don't hit you.

My husband is also very good at 'broadcasting' my bad. I learnt from him. So now i am also very good at 'broadcasting' my mood. I don't broadcast others bad, only my mood.

Love yourself and your kids more. Think more for yourself and children in this case. When you love and respect yourself more, others will respect you too, at least they would not dare to lay a finger on you.

Personally, I think that he is also putting you down when he hit you or said that you couldn't manage your life. You may not be managing well but you are also trying your best.
 
tensilstrain, i guess you have a point too..I did think that if he didnt want others to think bad of him, then why hit me in the first place? Why give me a reason to say something against u?

To some point, i feel that he doesn't feel i should be respected (as much) - after all, i did lie to him in our early days , and in some ways, "cheated" on him too. And i guess it's these things that makes him feel more "superior" and more "right" in the relationship. Bluntly put, i gave him an edge over me , to give him a chance to always bring up the fact that i had lied and cheated on him so i "lose my right" to negotiate...

Nobody likes to hear old arguments and issues being brought up in every new quarrel. And it's not healthy too. The relationship doesnt move forward. But yet i know he cannot forget and let go the fact that i did this to him, though he still stays by me and still believes we can work out. It will take a long while for him to start trusting me again, though i have no idea, if that day will ever come.

When he says things about me not being able to manage, i find myself wondering...why would he say that? Did i show that i can't run my life well? I suppose so... else he wouldn't have any reason to say that if i could prove otherwise. My work suffered initially and took a big hit , so did my life at home with the kids few months ago. We were quarrelling daily back then as my ex was still staying with me which caused a lot more issues.

He has pushed himself to get a degree, even though it'll be really tight on him financially. But it was for the better for his career anyway.. but he told me that his main reason was so that he can quickly finish studying, find a better job so as to relieve some of my household expenses and start to formally support the my 2 kids and I. He spends every weekend with the kids and I and plans activities for us a week ahead.

It comforts me to know that he is making/has made such sacrifices for a family that isn't his. At 23, and willing to go thru such things for me. Yet above all these, i still feel something is missing in this relationship within me...i just can't point out what it is....
 
"He is not the right one." Ash11, I have been a silent reader/ follower of your thread. I applaud u for not taking offence in some of the harsh criticism and instead, take them in stride.

The way you write and respond, you sound rational and smart, thus falling for someone 7 years your junior just seem so out of character.

WP is only 23. He is just starting out in life. He hasn't met enough people/ women to know what he wants in life. At this early stage, he has already shown his abusive side. Do u think with marriage, it will get better? No. it will only get worst.

Why don't the two of you take a step back to "rethink" the whole relationship ?

In the meanwhile WP can work on his degree while you spend more time with your children. Your children need your full attention during this chaotic period, with their father existing their lives and suddenly there is a new man taking over the role???
You are a full time working mum. Please spend as much time with them as you can. They grow up too fast.
Work on the relationship with your parents too. Your dad may not handled it in the right way, but do understand his intention as a parent yourself. For your mum to text you at 430am, that only goes to show your mum is so concerned about your situation that she loses sleep.

If WP is the right one, time will prove it.

Work on the important issues at hand first.
 
Hi SLmum, thanks for your response! I guess it's the "brain and heart" thingy where both can't really agree. I had friends telling me that if I had used my brain right from the start, this saga with WP wouldn't have started at all - I would have backed off and stayed with my ex and kids. To which I fully agree. Unfortunately, I have no idea why I let my heart rule over my brain and allowed such to happen... till date when I'm sober and in a rational state, I can think properly.. and logically. But when the heart starts its nonsense again, there it goes..

I'm kind of in 2 minds. There's a voice in me that says the relationship won't work out, but yet I'm ignoring it and thinking that some day, some how, maybe it will? As a parent myself, I can empathize with my parents and why they reacted this way, though yes, I agree it's somewhat blown out of proportion - but that doesn't change their good intentions... At some points in the relationship, the thing about age comes up. Eg, he says things like "u gotta take care of ur face u know, u're dating a 23 yr old.. u want to look like 40?" kind of thing. I don't have the best complexion of course and I admit I'm really kinda lazy, but hearing that just kept me off further... sigh, it's like knowing i'll bang a wall if I continue to walk but I still walk anyway....

That aside, my kids like him very much. They call him Korkor WP and look for him often. They treat him more like playmate, but they listen to him too as he is more strict than me. My ex says he's glad that WP treats them like their own and thus doesn't mind WP coming up to the place as long as kids are not hurt / fine. But of course, my parents have their reservations (and strong objections) still. I wouldn't believe that a person would change too - if he was abusive once he'd be abusive .. no matter what. Don't know if I'm hoping for the impossible, but I'm glad to see some changes..
 
My ex usually takes the kids out every Sunday. But as my younger one woke up late today, he only took my elder girl out. WP, I and my younger one spent the afternoon cycling at the park, and in the evening i brought my younger one out as WP went back to have dinner with family as he usually does every sunday. I was glad i could spend some time with my younger one 1 to 1 because i was always with both kids. But thruout the evening WP was always messaging me and I had to always reply. If i didn't he would always think i was with my ex, or doing something else (like secretly calling my ex or meeting him). He would send sarcastic messages like whether i was making love or busy calling "my darling". As a result, i always had to make sure i reply him almost immediately... this was applicable also after work when i got home (or when we went separate ways back to our house). I couldn't focus on my kids fully, i couldn't give them my full attention. Seeing my younger one having fun at the playground and during dinner, i felt guilty for always having my phone with me typing away...
I brought my little girl to toast box for dinner today wanting to have the soup noodles but they ran out. She had bread with eggs instead and when WP found out he chided me for feeding her "non nutritional food", "feeling rich" and for being brainless. I felt so sad for myself that i couldn't even decide for myself as a mom what food my child could have for dinner..instead i had to let someone (who wasn't even there physically) control me?

When WP called me while i was on the way home with my little one, his first qn was to ask me if i was busy (sarcastically) because i hadn't replied his messages. I kind of shouted that i was with my girl otw home and of course i wouldn't be able to always reply immediately. And it wasn't like he didnt knw. He got pissed at me for shouting and hung the call. After which i texted him many messages, saying i really had enough of this shit and all i wanted was just to focus on the kids. He said i failed so badly as a mom i couldn't even manage my kids , and i should have sent my girl to my mom's place. I was appalled and replied saying how could he even say that just so that i could reply him promptly always... he said it wasn't his fault, i asked for it because i cheated on him in the first place... said it wasn't his fault that i gave my kids a broken home and family, wasn't his fault i asked for a divorce. He said since im so unhappy, go complain to my mum and don't be tgt., to which i said ok, so be it. He said he'd come by immediately n take his things back (but has not appeared till now). He later said i merely made use of him this whole time.

I never ever did make use of him nor looked down on him but he thinks i do. Im tired of convincing him and i realized that there are things that i alone cannot change no matter how hard i try because it takes 2 hands to work. He says im demanding and asked me to stop complaining and whining.

He came over this morning even though he slept very late the night before. Came over afer knowing my little one was with me and thus came over to make us breakfast (he knew i can't cook, cant do housework).. these are the little things that really touch me, but it can't sustain the relationship. I can't even cook rice, or do simple housework. I feel like im the worst mom ever..... can't give my kids the basic. He says i can't manage my kids and the house and my finance properly - but i realized that i can't because he is draining all my energy and time...
 
Dear Ash11, I hate to sound like a broken record. At such early stage of your relationship, he has already shown his abusive side and even calling you "brainless" just because you ordered bread for your child?! Wtx??!! He sound so arragont and ignorant! Bread is carbs! And so what if there's no meat or veg?! Your child is not going to be malnutrition over one meal! He is a smoker himself and he has the audacity to tell u that noodle is healthier than bread?!!

U threw away a marriage because of your infidelity, causing your children to be separated from their father. This young immature lad is causing strain between you and your parents. And putting you down in so many ways. He even said u have to keep up w your looks since you are dating a younger man, that clearly shows he minds that you look older than him!
At this early stage of the relationship, it should be all lovey and dovey. Clearly yours is not.
Who you choose as partners will have an impact on their your childrens upbringing.
You are in a vicious cycle. U can choose to make wise decision because u are already 30, and a Mother of 2, or stay in the rut. How u live your life is solely your decision BUT do think FOR your kids.
 
I blew up earlier - again. I started talking like a bitch, said everything i wished i didnt and want to say. I told him he was better without me, because i can't even manage my life.. i didnt have to drag him down and die with me... I had it up to here.. i said i was stupid and brainless and not clever enough for him... did him so much harm, ruined his life, why do i need to stay.. he said ok, fine, pack his stuff, pass to him tomorrow. I wanted to do this while i was still in a harsh mood, so that i won't go soft later. I packed up his stuff, and took a cab to his place. All the while, still texting, he telling me that i was still rash and dont think before i talk.. asked me to think 1000 times, before i did anything. WHen i reached his doorstep, i typed a very long message.. i thanked him for everything that he has done for me and the kids in the past 1 yr. We were never lovey dovey because i had lied and cheated on him. I old him his things were outside, and to retrieve them.I sent him the message, left my phone there , dumped his stuff, and ran off. I got home and my house phone started ringing. He called me in tears - not because i did it so harsh, but more like because he couldn't leave the house to take it as his parents would question him what was happening and he didnt want them to know. I was really disappointed that that was the only reason (he said it isnt the reason but im pretty sure it is). I wished he had told me he wantd this rship back. But in my mind i knew i had to do it all the way... I kept repeating myself over the phone that i was just a piece of junk and shit and i was worth nothing but ruining his life. He kept talking back saying i don't think before doing things. He said he'd tried this past year to salvage us but i keep ruining and breaking us... he's tired .. said that he's gonna start studying and cannot afford to juggle his life like that when i keep giving him problems. I replied saying indeed i was right by leaving because all i can see is him showing me that i'm ruining his life. He apologized to me that it wasn't that he dw this rs, but it's that he can't go on like that... and well, for me, i guess i can't go on like that either. I can't really describe my feeling right now. I looked thru all my kids photos on fb and it really broke my heart. I don't know what kind of family i've given them. I keep thinking back of the outing i had with my little one today, her innocence and her happiness. And how i've been distracted on my phone the whole 4 hours... i felt so downright guilty..
I'm tearing so much as i type, but a part of me knows i've made the right choice. Yet part of me wish that WP will still talk to me like a gf and give me hope that we can be back together again, but i know i have to get that thought out for both our own good. Unlike all my exs, i can never be friends with WP now that the rship is over - and i knew that right from the start. For some reason, our rship was different... anyway it was too painful for me , to have us remain as friends. Everything was just too difficult to forget, and I don't know if i'll ever forget. All i know is that i don't wanna date someone anymore or lookout for a better guy.. I'd rather just be alone and bring my 2 kids up well. I might start to miss the dating days later, but i guess i'll figure that out.. My heart really hurts right now but i know i had to do it.
 
Ash11, I am glad you stand up for yourself and your children. I have 2 kids who are 5 and 2. I totally understand the part about not being able to make decisions for your own child. Just stay firm with your decisions. Egg yolk is brain food. It builds up the brain.

I am not a good cook but i tried to cook. On days that i am not confident or tired, we just ate outside. My kids' comments are what keep me trying to cook. Of course it is disheartening when they say the food is not nice.

Focus on your children at the moment. Now they are still young and will look for you frequently. As they grow up, they become more independent and will spend less time with you.
 
Hi ash11, just read through your posts and you did the right thing in ending this. A positive relationship will not make your life miserable like that. The guy is manipulating your mind to make you feel like you cannot manage your life so you can depend on him. And that may be his strategy because he is weaker in all other areas (career, financial).
Humans are stronger than you think, especially a mother. And you are definitely not as useless as he made you out to be. For your children and for yourself, pick yourself up. Focus on your career so you can have the financial means, focus on your children and bring them up to be happy kids.
I've got single parent mummy friends who brought up their children well and the kids flourish as they grew (they are in their 20s now). So don't think that you cannot coz you definitely can.
All the best and good luck!
 
Thank you all for your encouragement.
I feel like I was never ready to be a mom. I don't know what kind of life i gave my kids. I walked out on a marriage instead of trying to solve the the problems. I fell for someone younger but who was better looking and had a better physique. I feel so superficial...
My heart feels like it's been torn into a million pieces. I've cried non stop since the moment i woke up.. my eyes are swollen like a goldfish. I couldn't even go to work today even when i knew i had to, when it's month end and i had so much work waiting for me.
I can't cook and do housework for nuts. I only started eating my mom's own cooked food when i was 19 or 20. Before that, i never got the chance to eat any because we had a maid and my maid did all the cooking. When my mum finally decided to do away with the maid 1 day, thats when she learned how to cook. She'd rush back from work and head straight into the kitchen. Her cooking was horrible at first, but it's so much better now. I never had to do housework, because my siblings were more hardworking at it after the maid left... I can't even cook rice - it's too wet or dry and inedible sometimes.
These days, when my children draws, it's only 3 of us. Me, and 2 of them. There is no father figure, not even WP or their own dad. It hurts to see a drawing like that, but I was the cause of it.
I still think back of my outing with my little one yesterday. It was just an outing but it impacted me a whole lot. Perhaps God was trying to tell me something?
I closed my eyes this morning and imagined if i were to meet someone new, how would it be? I tried picturing, but it was tough. I pictured WP, and the feeling was complete...
I couldn't even walk my kids to school this morning. My maid had to do it. But i promised i'd fetch them back..
My mind is in a whirl. It's just so difficult, my heart just doesn't wanna let go.
 
Hi ash11

U seem to have high insecurity ...but nv mind , u will get over as time pass IF you will take the bold step to leave him.

Dun regret after 5yrs or 10yrs later...by then it will be more diffucult ... God is telling u ..listen to us for you own good. Leave him.n start life anew. I pity party for 6 mths n then one day u realise why am i doing all these to myself when he's out having a jolly good time.
WP isnt good for u..he's not the one.

Strong guys are attracted to strong women ... intelligent one are attracted to same ... u want a good man then stand up, be strong, gather more skills n knowledge ..nobody is lousy or hopeless ...so dun waste yr tears n years away only to regret what u didnt do.

Be bless
 
First of all, if WP is abusive (even if it is just verbal), I would say stay away from him. Why? Because you have 2 young kids that you need to be the role model for. If your kids grow up watching how you live and that sets the standard of which they should live their lives. And they learn too fast, and it is very difficult to unlearn.

Leaving is the hardest part. It will not be easy, but it would be a right decision to make at this point of life.
 
Hi ash11

Jia you, it will take some time for you to feel better.

Just come back here and let off yr feeling if u need.
 
Hi Ash. Everyone here is so concerned for u, though we have never met!
Big hug for making a breakthrough in your relationship. Pls don't look back. No one here approves your relationship w WP for obvious reasons. He is NOT the right one.
This is the best time to restore order at home. Focus on your . On Sundays when EW picks the kids, u should spend sometime w your own parents.
Your Mr Right will come to u naturally. Don't rush. Enjoy your time with your kids, and don't forget to love yourself too.
 


Every other nerve in me is telling me this relationship is just so wrong. Things are still so draggy - one minute im hopeful, one minute I wanna end it, next minute I hoped we'd start afresh. Last night he was totally cold towards me over text, and I could sense the tension already after whatever I did the night before. He said he was just tired, to give him a break. That he didn't want to see me any time soon, and go find another guy and don't bother him. Those words pierced me, and my mind went hysterical for a while. At the back of my mind, I know it was better this way. But I couldn't just walk off .. mentally - at that time. In any case, I played cool, and I told him I'd give him what he asked for. He kept texting, saying I'd never change, still so impulsive and do things without thinking... asked me to pray for inner peace and wisdom. I ignored all the messages.. and didn't reply. He later texted asking (sarcastically) if I was busy, and called me. I didn't pick up his 2 calls. In the end I still replied saying I was showering thus I didn't pick up. He retorted saying if I was showering because I was just done with sex. WTH? But in any case, it wasn't the first time he said something like that.....
I told him, good night, take care, and he said I was playing hard to get when now that he's talking to me. Just what was he doing to my emotions???? I didn't know how to react or feel anymore.. .I was just ..tired.. End of the conversation he said he still loves me but he's not ready... he used to say I was the one who wasn't ready.... and later said see me tomorrow morning...
we went to work together today, but all I felt was fear and apprehensiveness during the 20 minute ride. I could feel my hands shaking while holding my paper bag, and again.... I just knew this wasn't working. I kept quiet most of the time, answering only what I needed to. I had so many voices in my mind telling me that I should be responsible and accountable for my own life... and take care of my own well being - and if I know something's not good for me I should get rid of it.
But just why is it so difficult to do what is right?????
 

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