Feeling worthless as a mum

KAHM

New Member
I am a working mother with a 7mth old baby, and MIL and maid care for baby when I'm at work. I'm the main caregiver during my four months of maternity leave. Now that I'm back at work, I'm not familiar with baby's routine anymore. I lost the ability to make him sleep during the day (I can make him sleep at night), and he prefers my maid to feed him than me. My mil can make him sleep during the day. Sometimes I ask my maid to do things, but she will not listen to me and follows her own way. She listens to my mil and basically the rest of the family, including my sister in law. She does care for the baby though. But i just feel worthless as a mum. That you know, if I wasn't here anymore, it wouldn't have mattered to my baby because he has his granny and maid to care for him. And he would grow up happy because they care for him and make him laugh. Whereas I would only make him sad because of my own negativity. I feel looked down upon. I feel worthless as a person. I need help...
 


KAHM: I can understand how u feel, bc as a mother I went through tt bef. Well-meaning senior folks told me tt my child will forever be mine no matter who looks after him. I didn't believe their words of wisdom at tt time, bc I was a possessive mummy who wanted my baby's attention flr myself and when my baby responded positively to others, esp mil, I got horribly upset. Nw my baby has grown tb an 11 year old boy n he definitely knows who to turn to when he needs a chat!
 
I agree, a mother's bond with her child never changes. But if it's getting very much a problem for you maybe try and talk to your husband and see what emotional support he can give to you?
 
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Hi KAHM, please don't feel that way..you created his life nothing can change that. I'm a mother of an 8 month old. I felt that way right at the start too, specifically towards my helper. I confided in my husband, friends & family. With their advice & support, I implemented strict rules and allowed only minimal contact between helper & baby. The helper strictly does housework & preparing baby food, bath, change diaper etc esp when I am around. Talk to your husband/mil to hands-on everything, helper just *helps*.. no play, no hugs & cuddles. Do you still breastfeed? Print a daily routine and menu for them to follow, even get them to record his diaper changes (pee/poo) so you are aware and in charge. Maybe can video call once in a while to let him see you. Do you get back home in time to play w him before he sleeps? Try to if possible. When weekend comes you should spend quality time with him as much as possible, preferably just with your husband and baby. Just my friendly suggestion, see if it suits you. Hope this helps & please cheer up
 
Kahm,dun worry..end of the day ur son will still wants u and not ur mil or maid.last time when i was working n my girl is taken care of by my mil .she only come home on weekend and i also feel the same way like u.why she prefers my mil and not me?..and now she is 3 yrs old and she only wants us and not mil anymore.so dun worry..ur kid is forever ur kid...cheers
 
Dear mummies, thank you for your advice.

My husband says I should not try to be a perfect mummy, eg hands on everything, as that will only cause me angst when I can't do it. And well, he asks me to get busy too, as I'll only think too much when I'm free (which I do agree...). And to be firm with helper when necessary. Husband says We should just focus on educating baby, and that is more impt than feeding and showering him etc

I am feeling better now, and that I probably feel the angst because I was possessive too. I suppose motherhood comes with its challenges that we can only deal one at a time...

Back to the helper, I think the thing is that when I'm busy with work at home, I have to rely on my helper to take care of baby. But when I'm free, I want to play with baby but to my helper, I'm disrupting his routine.

I do get time with baby on weekends, and on weekdays, about two hours or so before he sleeps...he sleeps abt 9 pm.

I guess I'll try to 'let it go' more, and treasure whatever time I have with baby.

Thank you fellow mummies for the assurance, it really helps as you have been through the stage too... Previously I couldn't think of who I could confide in eg those who had the experience.

Thank you thank you...
 
Hi tuliptulip, yes, it's definitely something that I'm considering. Don't think we can do so for the next few years, due to financial circumstances, but hopefully it will be doable after a few years.

I just had a talk with my helper. Cos I complained to my mil that helper wasn't listening to me, so she spoke to helper abt it (I wasn't aware that she was going to speak to her). Then afterwards my mil said my helper cried and that there were misunderstandings between helper and me.

So I decided to speak to her. In summary, she understood that I was sad because I felt I wasn't baby's mother anymore, and said that from her experience, even if the parent wasn't so involved in taking care of the baby, after he turns one, he will automatically look for the parent instead of other caregivers. It became that she consoled me instead. We didn't address everything, but for now it's good enough because at least the 'enmity' disappeared.

Good to talk things out, though it's so hard to reach that stage (for me)...
 
I totally understand what you are going through. Like other forumers said, though, it is a stage, and at some point they will switchover to you. Also, it is not entirely "bad" thing that they bonded well with the helper and your MIL. It goes to show that your child feels comfortable and safe with them - a sign that he is well taken care of.

If you look on the bright side, you MIL and maid ok with each other also means you do not need to play the role of referee, and hear both sides complain about each other. Try to step out of your "motherly" role, and take a look at things objectively, positively. Often times our instinct shows us all the negative things, but not the positive things.

If things continue as it is, you can plan for #2 and #3. Because, all the childcare arrangement is well taken care of. Always choose your battles and ignore the little things. It will make you happier, and you will see the bigger picture. This also means you get to have more couple time with hubby, or even a short getaway without baby! It is good for the marriage. Take the opportunity of the situation and exploit all you can :)
 
Hi I came across your post Coz I am in similar situation as well. Except that I am still on maternity leave and already feel that my daughter is not close to me and my existence is redundant. My helper is very good with kids and for some reason, every time she carries my LO (who is two months old now), she stops crying immediately and is able to fall asleep.

Doesn't help that my in laws cannot bear to hear my LO crying and will auto pass my LO to helper instead of me. (Since I got no ability to comfort her). My helper will also come running to my LO every time she cries, even when I am carrying her and request to take over. I feel I have to pass over Coz if not, in laws will come and ask why is she crying.

It makes me feel that I am not needed around my LO. My in laws and helper can take care and play with her well enough. I cannot imagine how it will turn out when I am back at work and will have even lesser time spent with my LO.

Is it really true that babies will automatically turn to their mother when they are older eg 1 year old?
 
yes and no for your question . After one year old , it's easier to bond with baby cos they know how to play. Once they are more interactive can bond with her with singing / walks in parks etc .

However through my experience with my two girls ( weekend parenting for n01 for the first 2 years vs bringing back home everyday for no2) , my no2 will automatically turn to me while for my no1, she will go to grandma even after so many years( she is turning 10)


My no1 is v close to me now but ah Ma is still the no1 in her heart.

Re on your worries abt baby closer to mil and maid , put It in another perspective - your girl is very blessed with people who loves her.
 
I suppose it also depends on what kind of a parent we are. I am the hands-on kind that would be indeed, very hurt if my babies prefers someone else. Not that I have anyone in particular to help out either. Young babies rely a lot on smell. So, I carry the baby a lot, the baby is used my smell, breastfeed, etc. I want the baby to know me and stick to me first. I try to get my husband to come back for bedtime as well. So the baby also knows my husband's smell. When babies they all sleep with me, after 6 mths they sleep in their own room.

The downside is that they are really sticky to me. Any night crying, unwell, vomit, itchy, all look for me and me only. I am the one holding them all night long and walk around the house when they are having a fever. As they grow older (I have 3), they all want my attention. It can get a bit too much at times. But because I am so hands-on, I know how many diaper they use, when they poo poo, the colour and smell of all their poop, and every little thing about them.

On the other hand, I know of someone, also a mother of 3, that never even changed a soiled diaper. Those rare occasions she did, she will post it on FB. Because it is so rare. The kids are closest to her MIL. She is the FUN mommy- plays with them, takes them out, buy toys, etc. The MIL is the comfort. In the meantime she enjoys her usual lifestyle of weekend sleeping until noon, wake up go for brunch (MIL and helpers already got the kids ready)... go for dinners, drinks, movies, etc. Something I can only do once or twice a year, cos my children will call me 29 times in that one evening! Nowadays I try to date them out one by one for our special outing. So I also date them, not just others!

It is up to us to decide, with the options we have at hand, what we want. If you want freedom and time-off being a mom, depending on how much you want, you need to have reliable helpers (MIL or maid). If you want to be able to go for holidays without worrying about a screaming baby on plane or in hotel, couple holiday, diving, skiing, etc... then it is important that you let go something to someone reliable and you trust.

Also, what happens to us is not as important as how we react to it. Without stopping them, you can try to take proactive ways to engage or bond or spend time with the baby. E.g. bring the baby out all day. Or every morning, take her to the park. Start your own routine. LO will look forward to that special thing they do with you. I.e. I used to let them lie down on my chest after breastfeeding or feed (in my own bedroom). Pat them like burping, upwards... sing them a few songs. same songs everytime. They will recognize you better.

And for those with a reliable helper, be thankful. Do not be angry with them for taking great care of your kids. there could be a lot worse. But don't use that as an excuse to hands-off...
 
Hi KAHM, please don't feel that way..you created his life nothing can change that. I'm a mother of an 8 month old. I felt that way right at the start too, specifically towards my helper. I confided in my husband, friends & family. With their advice & support, I implemented strict rules and allowed only minimal contact between helper & baby. The helper strictly does housework & preparing baby food, bath, change diaper etc esp when I am around. Talk to your husband/mil to hands-on everything, helper just *helps*.. no play, no hugs & cuddles. Do you still breastfeed? Print a daily routine and menu for them to follow, even get them to record his diaper changes (pee/poo) so you are aware and in charge. Maybe can video call once in a while to let him see you. Do you get back home in time to play w him before he sleeps? Try to if possible. When weekend comes you should spend quality time with him as much as possible, preferably just with your husband and baby. Just my friendly suggestion, see if it suits you. Hope this helps & please cheer up

Agree. Whether it's helper or someone else caring for our child, it's the parents' right and responsibility to let people know what we want for our child and not let others dictate. While this may lead to some friction in the beginning, it is always better to communicate rather than keep silent, at least for us.
 
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Hi I came across your post Coz I am in similar situation as well. Except that I am still on maternity leave and already feel that my daughter is not close to me and my existence is redundant. My helper is very good with kids and for some reason, every time she carries my LO (who is two months old now), she stops crying immediately and is able to fall asleep.

Doesn't help that my in laws cannot bear to hear my LO crying and will auto pass my LO to helper instead of me. (Since I got no ability to comfort her). My helper will also come running to my LO every time she cries, even when I am carrying her and request to take over. I feel I have to pass over Coz if not, in laws will come and ask why is she crying.

It makes me feel that I am not needed around my LO. My in laws and helper can take care and play with her well enough. I cannot imagine how it will turn out when I am back at work and will have even lesser time spent with my LO.

Is it really true that babies will automatically turn to their mother when they are older eg 1 year old?

I was in a very similar position as you & felt exactly that way. I had to pass my bb to my maid so much that I grew to really dislike it. I took over and became more hands on when my bb was less colicky. Now she's 10 months and yes she's close to me & in laws but I still will not really let my maid be close to her because I was scarred from the past. But that's just me. I need to maintain my sanity after all. Hope you're feeling better?
Agree. Whether it's helper or someone else caring for our child, it's the parents' right and responsibility to let people know what we want for our child and not let others dictate. While this may lead to some friction in the beginning, it is always better to communicate rather than keep silent, at least for us.
 
Dear all mummies , I hope I will grow out of this situation too. My boy is 6 months old now , m back to work for 3 months. Weekends I will be with my baby whole day. The problem he does not want me to bottle feed him, but latch still OK. At night esp when he is very sleepy I can't pacify him to sleep. Only my MIL can. I feel very discourage cos I breastfeed him . Isn't this suppose to bond? Feeling very tired everyday. I have thoughts of giving up breastfeeding. When I cry as I felt worthless( I just want to relieve my stress) my hubby scolded me. I felt even more sad. He said why should I be jealous of my MIL. But I am not blaming anyone or being jealous of my MIL , I jus felt my baby still love my MIL more despite my best efforts to care for him. I appreciate my MIL help. She is a great helper and I know my son is being well taken care of. But somehow I just couldn't help being sad that it has turned out this way. As I am writing I am tearing away. Sometimes I feel like running away from home. But each time I see my son smile I will be OK again. What should I do to over come these negative feelings from coming back?
 
hi fishieinabauble, big hugs to u...

firstly u are a great mom because u are working hard outside to support the family.
a lot of mummies would hv given up breastfeeding but yet you still strive to breastfeed your little one after your work. can also see all ur freetime outside work is spent w ur baby.
you r doing your best, fellow mummy.

your mil sounds like a great person. her presence allows you to also get some relief in the night as u need to work in the day. you r pretty lucky to hv such invaluable support.

what if you didn't hv such a support? then you probably hv to rely on IFC teachers in the day or helper who will be doing it for the $ and who most likely will not love n sacrifice for your child like ur mil. Or else u hv to quit your job and do everything by yourself. does ur family situation allow u to do that?

you feel rejected by your little one and that hurts a lot. the ideal case is to get baby used to you as well as mil. maybe u can try to pacify him to sleep on weekends using nothing else but your body (i.e. latching or carry to sleep. dont use dummy, yao lan etc) this will help to get your baby used to you instead.
 
I'm a working mum too. You imagine when my toddler is 1yo plus to 2 she's so attached to my helper we cannot bring her out w/o helper: despite the fact that we leave her at my mil place she was only attached to my helperS She wld say "I don't want mama, I want kaka." It was so hurtful. I breastfed her exclusively till 10mths. Nvr slept more than 4hrs for 10mths cos at night she latches on. Even after she had teeth.
It's all good now. She's 3yo, when I come back from work she runs to greet me at the door.
It's all a phase. Your baby is naturally attached to whoever they spend the most time with. Be very glad your mil can comfort her, this is also a yuan fen. Not all caregivers are accepted by babies. I took a lot of comfort that my girl likes my helper. If your mil:/my helper were not doing a good job the baby will not be close with them.
 
Thanks for your kind words and encouragement. M OK now and I will continue to breastfeed as long as I can. Most nights I can nurse him to sleep but I try not to sometimes cos m worried he might not get enough milk when he latches and sleep. So usually his last feed I prefer to give him the bottle. But in anyway, he is thriving and I guess I am too paranoid at times. We mothers should enjoy motherhood and not be petty over such things. As stressful as our days are, it will pass, I hereby also encourage all mummies to brave all storms , cos at the end of the day our LO still need their mummies , so I will be strong, and so are all mummies out there!
 

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