Marriage problem over in law and husband's personality

[2bbmum]

Hi, I am an expecting mother and giving birth very soon.

I am in a not happy marriage life as I prevoiusly quarreled with my in law over the CNY visit arrangement. We fight, she hit me and I hit her. We also quarrel over the method to look after my first child. I totally can not agree with this woman because the way she treat me is very bad and unfair. By the way, she was a mistress of my husband father then force his father to divorce his first wife.

Since the fight, I did not go back to his parent house anymore. They were kind of asking my husband to divorce me. My mother in law ask my husband do not dote on me. She even said her daughter do not need to do house chore even in her in law house. But, I have to do, my in law said she do not care fair or not, she just want it to be unfair.

My husband was always on his parent side, he said I should apology to them and go back to visit them. While my friends told me if I go back they will even look down at me more.

As for my husband, before I got married to him, I already felt that he is very self center and always force me to follow what he like. He never care what is my favorite. For example, he will just order something I do not like to eat for me even after I told him I don't like. He will also watch movie of his favorite even I said to him I don't like the movie.

Before I married him, I told him I need sometime to think about the wedding, then he became very angry and said why wait and force me to marry him.

My parent is very traditional, they think we were already staying together in Singapore better get married, else I am in disadvantage. I kind of regret of listening to them. Now I even hate that why I followed their mindset.

I am in dilemma, my husband force me to meet his parent again after I give birth this time. I told him, I could get divorce with him if he want me to apology to the his parent. I am worry if divorce will affect my children emotionally and their development. But, I am sure I will quarrel with them again if we meet.

I don't see the point of maintaining such a marriage, I definitely have prenatal depression now, he did not show his care and he even quarrel with me during my pregnancy.

Anyone has similar experience like me. I just want to know I am not alone.

 

[Jehvy]

Hi 2bbmum, hang in there. You are definitely not alone. I am also an expecting mum, giving birth soon too. Through my whole pregnancy journey, my husband quarreled with me numerous times because of his family in particular because of his mother.


I was made to move back to my in laws place despite strongly objecting to it, even when I told him staying with them would make me have a mental breakdown and risk being insane in the future, I don’t feel my husband really cared or fully understand amplitude of the stress his mother is causing me. Everything, he does made me feel like, he is trying to please them (his parents) at the expanse of my mental well-being.


Sometimes, I get so sick of it I really want to just walk away and leave him. I don’t see a point to maintain such a marriage and relationship with him too. Why should I be the sacrifice to please someone else, I really don’t know. Perhaps it is because of my unborn child that I am holding on to this marriage…. Like you I also want my child to have a complete family so that they can grow well emotionally and physically.


My mil also reprimanded and criticized my family because she was not happy with things that happened during our wedding previously which is not even my fault. My husband made me apology to her too. I grit my teeth and did it but honestly, I will never forget or forgive them for the insult. I did it for my husband to maintain peace in the family but if it ever happened again, I told him I will not tolerate it anymore. Till now, I am still trying to remain independent financially thus in any circumstances that I have to walk out of his life, I can still support my child and myself.


Honestly, there are only two visible paths for you - One is to swallow your pride and apologize for the sake of your kids and try not to quarrel with them. I know it is hard but just hang in there; at least you do not need to stay with your in laws and see them every day. I still have to live with them, mil is doing my confinement too – I am dreading it now. Sigh. Anyway, once your children are older, you can consider to leave him and move on with your life.


One thing I notice is that if I go against my husband because of his family, he will think I am the enemy that is all out to destroy his family and make him severe ties with them. Hence, I try not to do that – instead I try my best to endure and treat his family with respect in hope that he notice my sacrifices I made for him and treat me better. It may not always work but it is just a way to keep our marriage going for our child.


The other option is to just divorce your husband now and stand on your own feet. However, you have to know that being a single mother with limited support isn’t easy at all. If your parents are traditional, they might not even support your decision to get a divorce.


2bbmum jiayou!! Try to stay positive, I hope we both have a smooth sailing delivery. Take care.

 

[shoppixe]

Is ur husband this current mil's son???
I find it very interesting that ur hubby listens to a step mom.
I think men all overcompensate towards their family. They have an inner desire to be recognized/loved. It's as if in their childhood they were unloved/uncared. So they try so hard now.
I draw lines very clear w my hubby, u wanna be monkey do tricks for ur parents go ahead. Me and my daughters will not. I think I can stand former cos I do not rely on my hubby for $. My in laws know that too. I have a fairly successful career. So ah talk can louder a bit, head can raise higher a bit... If I depended on my hubby then I think it will be a different story totally. Financial independence is very critical for us (women) to be in the position to make decisions.
It took us a few rounds of arguments and me pointing out to him if his parents were considerate they wld not do this this this this... They are not considerate and stressing us both unnecessarily. At the end of the day "we" need to stand aligned.
Deep down there must be some reaver meant towards parents one. Just need to tap into that to wake them up. For a marriage w kids to work out its a "we" game, not just "me". Try to forge that identity.