Need Help in Second Marriage

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YiSeah

New Member
Both Me and DH are divorcees. He had a son who is 11 from the previous marriage (care and control under the mom of the child) His son only comes over weekend. DH very anxious about the kid.. very pamper and love the kid, to the extend that boy being naughty, and no disciplinary action to be taken on him. DH will reserved all his annual leaves to be taken in school holiday so to spend time with his son. Even I request, always given excuses that work load cant take.

DH ex-wife taking that boy to be a killer weapon to damage our marriage .Ever-since we married, his ex wife had been demanding for a rise in maintenance and DH had been giving in to her by agree to it.DH always think that he owe his ex-wife, (who is the person that walk out of the marriage) because she had given him a son.

I had lost my daughter this year due to miscarriage. Lost her when I was 16 weeks

DH will not care or bother whenever his son is back. I feel very hurt and sad. DH very care of his son feeling . DH always quarrel and agrue with me over his son matter.

DH always say to me that he love me and I m in his heart but thru action is not.

Please advice me how to be a stepmom. how to accept such attitude of DH ( was shower after marriage and the lost of our baby)
 


Hi SeahYi

It takes time. I just got remarried recently, my 7yo daughter is under custody of my ex-hubby but I will always pick her up on Saturdays.

Initially my gal was very wary of my current husband, refuse to talk to him, refuse to even look at him, and even when she talks she is very rude. One day I got very fed-up and asked her why this attitude? She told me that my ex-hubby and ex-mil and his entire family always tells him "Uncle XXX (my current husband) is a bad guy. You must not go near him or close to him. When you shower at mummy house u cannot let him shower for you. He is bad guy."

My heart broke when I heard it from my daughter! Sometimes adults can be very childish still, even though we've all moved on with our lives.

My current husband spends a lot of time with my gal, bringing her to the playground, driving her to places that she wants to go and play, and I appreciate the effort that he has put in to try to "win" my girl over. I can see that he truly, from the heart, dotes on my daughter.

You may want to try spending more time with your step-son and try to understand what he wants, what he likes. It will take sometime for him to accept you.
 
i think your husband is someone with traditional thinking. if he is, he may not be able to express himself well.

so, his thinking of caring for u might be shown in other ways we as women might not think is necessary or might not even notice.

simple things like for example, i buy dinner for you every night means i love u.

i come home everynight after work means i love u.

to be frank it's actually quite hard to change their mindset.

you can try telling them what you think he should do or show to let you feel he really cares for you. but dont expect him to change immediately. or dont really expect anything at all.

for his son, maybe you can try to explain to your husband that important thing is you want to care for the feelings of the young man, so you dont want to force him to like you but you will try your best.
 
Cressymama said:
Hi SeahYi

It takes time. I just got remarried recently, my 7yo daughter is under custody of my ex-hubby but I will always pick her up on Saturdays.

Initially my gal was very wary of my current husband, refuse to talk to him, refuse to even look at him, and even when she talks she is very rude. One day I got very fed-up and asked her why this attitude? She told me that my ex-hubby and ex-mil and his entire family always tells him "Uncle XXX (my current husband) is a bad guy. You must not go near him or close to him. When you shower at mummy house u cannot let him shower for you. He is bad guy."

My heart broke when I heard it from my daughter! Sometimes adults can be very childish still, even though we've all moved on with our lives.

My current husband spends a lot of time with my gal, bringing her to the playground, driving her to places that she wants to go and play, and I appreciate the effort that he has put in to try to "win" my girl over. I can see that he truly, from the heart, dotes on my daughter.

You may want to try spending more time with your step-son and try to understand what he wants, what he likes. It will take sometime for him to accept you.
Click to expand...
My case is almost the same as yours..my dear..

My DH Ex wife n her mother both bad mouth us to the boy. Resulted whenever he comes back to us with a hurting attitude...
 
If you can't love the boy as your own, no one can blame you. But you can and should try to like the child and empathise with his situation, because he is the innocent victim in this situation.

Don't take it upon yourself to discipline the child. Your role as a step-mom is too sensitive for that. Don't even tell your husband how you feel about the boy, it is hard for you to appear as an objective person. Just steer clear away from that.

Don't blame your husband for showering his affections and time on the boy. Your husband is with you most of his time. Your husband does not have access to the child as much as he would like. He is probably acting this way not just out of love, but also out of guilt. By showing your support and understanding towards him, you will eventually obtain your husband's gratitude.

Don't compare your husband's love for you with his love for the boy. It is of a totally different nature. You are loved as an adult, someone who is independent, someone who is his equal partner, someone who will shoulder life's journey with him. The boy is loved as a child, someone who is dependent on his father and hence, needs the father's utmost guidance and attention within that limited time he has with the father. Of course the way he cares for the child would be different from the way he shows his love for you. You may understand his love for his child better once you become a mother - and I'm sure you will eventually have a child of yours to love and to protect as well.
 
I dun think my DH should be guilty as the child mother is the one that is selfish that hit my FIL and eventually walk out of the marriage with the boy, jus because she demanded my DH to walk out of his parents and jus to lived together with her and her mom. But sad that DH dun agreed to that, she had forbidden DH to have any access to the boy for a year. She had taught the boy to lies to my DH. Throw temper, rude and utter vulgarities to elderly in the family and still no action disciplining him.

When she knows that DH had remarry, she start to send lawyer letter to demand for higher maintenance fees. She even taught the boy, when we give the boy extra pocket money as he do have CCA .. this is what the boy replied... "If you want to give me money please go thru the lawyer".

Under the law_ The amount that the father contributed to the child maintenance is also the same amount that the mother should contribute too. Can a Pri 3 child used S$1,400 per month. ( no tution, no extra leaning class). That is ridiculous.

Please noted that I do love and dote the boy as he understand when wee explained to him but he still repeat his unaccepted behaviors.
 
Loving him DH Dearly n yet wat was return is only words but not action... he wwill feel obligated when he apply his annual leave for me... there was a situation I was warded in hospital, he dun even hv the thought of apply leave to accompany... when medical appt.. social appt...etc... have to keep remind him if not his excuse maybe he forgotten n he arranged other programmes le.

When other family member appt... he offer to go but was rejected. He won't stop there but insisted that he is willingly to spend time with them.

Where do I stand in his heart... he care for the family his son as top priority. With such situations he doesn't need me at all... then why still get into relationship with me..

Advice me what should I do... I m jus a woman who also need love care and pamper too
 
My apology in advance if I am being rude to you.

It is nature that your Husband love his son more than you, even "normal" family will be the same, we will priority our child more than our spouse.

I assumed that you know if your Husband had a son from his previous marriage. You can't deny the fact parent love is eternity than "lover" love.

When you decided to marry your Husband it meant that you understood clearly that your stepson will come over and spend time with him. You should spend time and talk with your stepson rather you show "black" face to him. You will ruin your own marriage if you keep feeling unhappy, you should anticipate this before you accept your Husband marriage proposal, if you don't want to have tangle with your stepchild you should marry single man or divorcees without child. You choose your own happiness whether you want to get along with your stepson or you walk away from your current marriage.

We as an adult should not be childish, and let the child to be a victim, don't you pity him? Please put yourself on your stepson shoes. he only got to see his father once a week when he compared himself to his friend who has completed parent, his Friend can see and spend time with their parent all time they want.

Divorce is not child fault but its parent fault. He only victim from selfish parent.

Please be more understanding to your Husband and don't be jealous with your stepson when you have your own child then you will understand what I meant.

That's all I can say. My apology for being blunt to you.
 
did u share with him how u feel in the first place?

if he has got such a past, u got to make a compromise. if he finally can take his leave for you, maybe you can agree that 1 out of his 10 days of leave is for you, for example.

things change after marriage. it is not only when your husband is married before or not.
 
Thank you for your sharing...

I agreed with what you say if it applied to a boy who is not back to be killer weapon.

This stepson of mine. reports every single of of conversation and our movement we have spend together when he is around... we do love the boy whenever he back, we tried to bring him outing and also spend on good food, that resulted the boy's mom to get lawyer to write to us and seek for higher and higher maintenance from us. He cant even share his academic result as he is currently a pri 4 student. We do not mind to contribute a higher maintenance if that is spend on the boy but it was not she took the money an spend on her cosmetic and jewelry. the poor boy daily attend to normal govt school (walking distance), thereafter to day-care centre (subsidised), daily milk supplement and that boy wasnt given any tuition, extra class..

We had brought him a good water bottle and only use once, it never been seen. We both know that the boy had to attend CCA and had wanted to give him extra pocket money, but the boy replied us that "you giving me money, please go thru the lawyer". and there was another incident that he came over for a school holiday and shocked us that he utter vulgarities, telling lies and being rude. We both explained and disciplining him. The boy had return to his mom and told his mom that we hit him and then instead get more information from him, his mom supported him by telling that future dun go and if anyone do hit you again, inform her and she will get the authorities.
 
YiSeah ..I sympathize with u and understand u are doing all u can to mend ...but to a child his age, he sees u a threat..that u r going to replace his biological mum n he will listen to his mum to damage all u going to build.

U hv to be very patient very gentle with him n it will take time..lots of time but disciplining him, well, its tricky n u hv got shot in the foot for it though yr intentions were well meaning.

This boy is hurt, he feels broken n his mum isn't helping him heal but adding instead n hb isn't understanding n expect u to give him special treatment.

So,u hv to know the root of the boy's behaviour. Its the broken feeling.

Either continue to do what u r doing or...throw in the towel, that means each time he comes over, u disappear ..there's no quick fix where betrayal n hurt is done to a child. U r mature enough to analyze ..its yr call.
 
Every coin will have 2 side pictures.

We outsider won't know what is truly happening situation in your family.

Perhaps you and your Husband can sit down with your Husband ex-Wife and talk as mature adult. If it need be, you can engage lawyer as third party to clear the air.

Both side should stop abusing the child. I really pity your innocent stepson who grow up in broken family. I hope he know how to see what is right and wrong when he grow up as an adult.

If you all keep doing what you are doing now, it will make him become a rotten adult when he grow up.

If you really love him please love him sincerely only time can heal his wound.he will be able to see in time who love him more if you give him sincerity.

I know it will be hard for you to love somebody else child but you had chose your path when you walked in the aisle with your husband.

It is not easy to accept your stepson as your own son,it same goes to him it won't be easy for him to accept you as his mother, and he suddenly need to accept that he has 2 "Mother".

If you still not happy until today, should you think what do you want from your marriage. You know that it will be impossible to eliminate your husband past, you should consider this when you say "yes" to his proposal. Until when will you be able to stand your current situation. Only you can determine your own happiness and unhappiness, not your husband, not your parent, not your husband past.

Self reflect and move on.
 
Bagsroom,

Thank you for your suggestion, do you think we can meet her and talk about it

Kid is under her custody and she teaching him to lie to us, to the extend that the boy had trigger a fight in school no discipline action was taken but telling the boy is not his fault. Boy had even short circuit two water cooler in the day care and the mom didnt even reprimanded him at all. Jus transfer him another child-care.

My DH and I had a good heart to heart talk , how can we guide this boy, whenever we teaches him right ways after return back the next week he will counter reacted with some rudeness. and question him , his answers was My XXXX mum teach me de
 
Yiseah,

Can ur hb go to a counsellor or lawyer to seek legal advise if he can fight for the boy custody chiding tat the boy mother is nt doing a good job and hv been 'poisoning' his mind? To me the boy is a poor chap. Caught in between his father and mother. Worse is his mother forbid him to love his father....I believe the boy is not feeling good inside too...
 
I am not against the that boy.. knowing that he is a killer weapon used by his mom.

these are following things she had poison the boy

In order to cause my DH heart aching , the boy was told to share to his father " he only given bread and milk or milo every morning ... but not true when we brought the boy to kopitiam, he can read all food signages display name
The boy was taught to give an impression to my DH that he wasnt been love at all. But she had been demanding for a monthly maintenance 650.00 per month. Boy academics results we are not informed at all.

When we disciplined the boy , she will instigate the boy since they scold you , go tell them you not going there anymore. She will ask the boy to report whatever happened our side so that she calculate to raise child maintenance.

She even teach the boy to address my DH as uncle. and bad mouth my DH to the boy..

Very heart aching having such mother
 
Hi Yi Seah ...it seems there's unfinished business btw yr hb n his ex wife n one of it is 'Maintenance'.

Until both u n hb acknowledge that u both hv hurt her n her son, regards how bad a wife or mum she was ... Her anger of betrayal will continue to manifest on the child's outward attacks on you both. Yr vicious fighting will carry on.

It takes a lot alot to say sorry n mend the brokeness ... U are focus on the boy's behaviour n his mum as the wicked witch ...but who torn their lives apart in the first place.

To help the kid, please put aside yourself ....otherwise, even counselling there is this little counsellor can help the kid cos the child is broken on the inside n no doors are open, only a peep hole.

Spare the child a thought. Though God heals , it is also up to the person how much they 'willing' to open up to be heal ..same theory in counselling. You open a small door for the King to enter n only a small part of His presence touch you... You open a big door n the floodgates of Heaven opens to you. So, you open a small door for the Counsellor n he can only peep through to help.



God bless
 
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what
gladjo said:
Hi Yi Seah ...it seems there's unfinished business btw yr hb n his ex wife n one of it is 'Maintenance'.

Until both u n hb acknowledge that u both hv hurt her n her son, regards how bad a wife or mum she was ... Her anger of betrayal will continue to manifest on the child's outward attacks on you both. Yr vicious fighting will carry on.

It takes a lot alot to say sorry n mend the brokeness ... U are focus on the boy's behaviour n his mum as the wicked witch ...but who torn their lives apart in the first place.

To help the kid, please put aside yourself ....otherwise, even counselling there is this little counsellor can help the kid cos the child is broken on the inside n no doors are open, only a peep hole.

Spare the child a thought. Though God heals , it is also up to the person how much they 'willing' to open up to be heal ..same theory in counselling. You open a small door for the King to enter n only a small part of His presence touch you... You open a big door n the floodgates of Heaven opens to you. So, you open a small door for the Counsellor n he can only peep through to help.



God bless
Click to expand...
What acknowledgement do we have to acknowledge????

We had never bad mouth her infront of the boy and teaches the boy evil deed. We did not have affair that causes the marriage broken. they divorced in 2009 and our relationship only start end 2014.

She is the woman that torn the marriage apart by choosing to walk out of her blissful marriage becos she demanded ex husband to take over of her mother flat installment and then abandon PIL without any form of shelter for them. She had a heated argument with FIL and slapped him hard and to the extend that sue him to court. that was in 2008 . she left the home with the kid and refused to allow any form of access for ex husband with the son for almost a year till the law came in force.

We (me and DH only get to know only in 2014 and got married this year 2015. so how did we hurt her and her son. We had been paying kid maintenance since she left 2008 till now from S$500 to a raise of S$650.

I am not third parties . I did nothing to hurt her or her son.
 
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Then fight for full custody, care n control of the child otherwise it will ding dong with the kid constant attacks n these factors are detrimental to the child mental condition. You cant erase each time he comes over ..you r still aunty to him...someone his mum hv placed a target on n yr marriage will encounter a lot of hurdles cos of this.

Proof to the court her disabilities n gain full Care n Control. This is the correct n legal way.

God bless
 
As am in family court n took the liberty to enquired if a closed Divorced case can be re-open to contest custody of children or other issues but will be subject to court approval to as to whether the request justify reopening.
 
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Yisheah,

1stly ask urself are u willing to accept and take care of the boy as ur own? R u willing to help this poor boy was are bleeding inside and torn apart? If u are, then discuss with ur hb to seek legal advise in fighting for the boy custody, care and control.
 
YiSeah, family relationship is very complicated and cannot be resolved easily. Whatever u deemed as 'weapon killer', 'bad mouth', 'lies' and 'rudeness' are your own perspective. Even if there is truth, there is a story behind it. Whatever 'hardship' your hubby went thru was told by him or his family and so resulted your views towards the ex-wife and son. There is no need for you to insist the boy to live or behave in the 'right' way or how your hubby treats him. In other words, mind your own business. Your posts seems to give me the impression of being very 'heart pain' about the money for the boy.. And coming out all sort of reasons to justify why your hubby should not increase the maintenance. You have not become a parent. You will never understand the love for a parent to a child. If your hubby thinks he can afford and want to increase, support him. He is already stressed with all the issues and why do u need to add more stress? The boy will not suddenly wake up one fine day to like u or be a better person. Just give him more time to grow up. He will understand. As for u, let it go. Be happier and enjoy your marriage.
 
As one who is in a similar situation with Yiseah, I beg to differ.

Yiseah, before you take the plunge and request for the custody of the child, I beg for you to think in the context of the child. In every divorce case, the one who gets hurt is the child. Your priority should be the consideration of the child. Who will he prefer to stay with? Who is able to offer better care and concern to this child? You must take their very fragile hearts very seriously.

In my case, my girl is very sticky to her daddy and my ex-mil can afford to spend time with my daughter while me? I am a workaholic, and I know I can never offer her as much time and attention that she needs at her age right now that her dad and her grandma can give her.

Sure the whole world looks at me and wonders why I chose not to fight for custody, but how many understands the much considerations that I've put in before agreeing to give the custody to my ex-husband? Do I not miss my child? I miss her badly! But for her own good, I chose to do things this way and she's happy, that's what I'm most concerned about.

My ex-husband still says a lot of bad things to my daughter about myself and my current husband, my daughter tells me about it but I always tell her to feel and decide on her own. It does break my heart but I am still thankful for my ex-hubby and ex-mil for bringing my daughter up to be such an obedient girl. My ex-husband now has a girlfriend, and I always tell my girl that all 4 of us loves her very much, and I am happy that she is close with my ex-hb's girlfriend - ultimately, she will be staying with them in the future.

One day when I went out, my girl told me she wanted to buy a keychain for my ex-hb's girlfriend. My girl told her daddy she wanted to buy it for her but he said he didn't have money, so when I met her on a saturday, she asked me if I had enough money because she wanted to buy a gift for his gf. Without hesitation, I agreed. Why not? Shouldn't you be happy that the child is accepting her future stepmom? This way, when she moves on to live with them, I can be so sure that she will never be ill-treated by her stepmom.

Instead of being selfish and think for only yourself - look at things in the bigger picture and in the child's context.
 
I got the story how the ex-wife behaviors and treatment towards my DH and PIL is from her Blog written since the day she married into the family..

I do pity the poor boy being used as a killer weapon by his mom. I am disappointed that why a Mom can treat her own son in such a way.... always choose to go overseas holiday without him, no discipline given to him. Teaching him to lie to his daddy and refrain him from tell his daddy his academic result and performance in school.

Please do not assume me as a wicked and evil step mom. If you will to be me witnesses a boy telling lies like singing song, rude and utter vulgarities to his elders in the family and selfish attitude. How painful it is???? Doesnt mean Step-mom is always bad and biological is good. She fight for the custody and yet spend no time with the boy to teach and guide him. The poor boy is always left in the day care after school till 7pm and thereafter return home and was tuck in bed by 8pm daily from Monday to Friday. every week access for us is 24hrs. Here we guide and teach the right and there she brain wash the boy.

I feel hurt as my DH unable to walk out of the hurt and disappointment that was left since the broken of marriage. I know how painful and struggling to walk out a marriage.
 
Not saying u r wicked evil step mom. Just that there is nothing much you can do. He won't suddenly wake up and become a better boy because of your discipline. It will take mths or even years and u have to thread it carefully and patiently. We are only sharing our views and since you have started this thread, u have to be open and hear both sides of story and the ultimate decision still yours. It is your call and it really depends how well u can take our objective views. Hope you can resolve this amicably and to your best situation :)
 
Posting here is to hear suggestion and advice but was upset that some member may not know the situation and had jump into the conclusion that I sounded like the third party that break the family

.
 
Yi seah ...as friends78 said, we are only sharing our views, u can accept or reject but everyone is giving logical n afair view .. U didn't want our views, you want 'support' that you are doing all you can but ... without insight n you only giving us peepholes, there nothing much we can say that will be encouraging to you. You are an adult, you are a holding a job with an income ...the child is a kid n everyone knows minors can't think like adults do.

The thorn in the flesh sadly is mummy dearest n yr hb hv unfinished business with her clearly n you can't speak on his behalf, he have to settle it or ...let the poor kid be toss back n forth as of now.

Yes, we hear you, you are doing all you can to undo the mental distortion mummy dearest poison.... But you know poison travels deep n the antidote is cut the hand that's feeding the poison. No amount of good works, kindness n $$ can undo the poison taking roots. You know this too cos you are an adult but does the child knows he was fed poison?? No, mummy dearest is feeding him poison , how can he expected at this young age to understand n evulate correct logical thinking ... So here's my 5cents worth
 
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I agreed with gladjo, you were seeking support from us not advise. Advise can be favourable or unfavourable to you, but look like no member here was giving you advise that you would like to hear.

Perhaps you can close this thread and settle your family matter on your own way.

We as a parent would think about poor little boy who is being "push over" between you, your husband and your husband ex-wife. If you would like to be a good Stepmother perhaps you need to know on how not overstep boundaries and reflect yourself as well what can you do to make your stepson to accept you as his stepmother, not asking him what can he do for you, he would not welcome you with open heart and accept you as his stepmother overnight.My own experience speaking that it never been easy to be a good parent even to your own child.

The way I read through your sharing you also at fault, you did not spend enough time with him, you did not talk heart to heart with him, why I said that because he still can be "brainwash" by his mother.

You were complaining about money, you were complaining about how much your hubby care about your stepson than you, come on you are an adult, adult must behave like an adult.

Until now you are still outsider to the boy because you did not make enough effort to get close to him. You only talk to him and show care once a week, even we as biological parent need to bond with our children in order for our children to open their heart to us and talk about their day at school, it did not happen overnight or once a week but it's happening daily.

Singapore is working Mother society, we are making effort to have communication with our children, even during working hour I would call back home and check about my children every now and then. Even my Children is taking care by in law and helper but they still very close to me and my hubby. They still want to cuddle,hold our hand and kiss us in cheek in public even though they are currently in upper primary, it did not happen over night. We are making continuous effort to communicate and bond with our children. I would proudly say this you. Love is not only word but you need to make the love is being feel by other and let other know how you love them.

Love is like a flower. It grows and beautiful because it pour of life water and soul.
 
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