Any good advice? My hubby needs help.

Heavy Heart

New Member
Hi, thanking anyone who can give a good piece of advice in advance.

I'm at my wits end. I am the sole bread winner for my house of 4 for 4 years now. My hubby doesn't earn a cent. He said he'll help with the household chores. But lately, he has not been happy helping out with household chores. He had hoped to earn from online trading but has never been successful for years. But he still bears the hope to accomplish in that arena. He thinks that there's no way out for him cos he has stopped work for many many years, so doing online trading is the only way out for him.

Now we are in this chicken and egg situation. We think we will be financial very tight if we get a helper to help with household chores so that he can try his trade again. But if we do not get a helper, he finds it hard to find time to perfect his trade cos he is laid down by the chores and taking care of the baby.

So this headache is getting him in a foul mood lately. And he is asking me to help him. But whatever suggestion I gave him, he puts it down and say I'm not helping. I told him to take a day off, let me handle the kids. He said he'll still think of how tired I will be juggling my work and the kids. I told him to read some inspirational books, he said it's not a good help. I told him to change his perception and don't be so uptight on things, he said he knows what's wrong with him, he doesn't need me to tell him that, he just need me to find a way to help him. I told him to seek some cheap and available counseling, he said he wants me to help, not someone else.

Can you give me some ideas how I can help him? It's all in his mind. He needs to change his mindset. How can I help?
 


I think the key question is, what did he used to do before he lost stopped working 4 years ago. Does he have any skills? If he dosent have any skills (meaning qualification or experience in work) you should make him wake up his idea by setting the amount of profits he should generate within a specific period of time (like 1/2 year) or go back to work (even low paying jobs is fine as he is getting lazy after a long detachment from work) Way i see it, he is a negative expected value trader (-ev). Not good enuff to make a living out of his passion in life. So the only best way is to set a timeline and money he can afford to lose. Please lend him money or help him one last time. However, do not finance him or let him have any other forms of finance after this final venture if he loses again (which i am 90% certain he is going to).
 
I think the key question is, what did he used to do before he lost stopped working 4 years ago. Does he have any skills? If he dosent have any skills (meaning qualification or experience in work) you should make him wake up his idea by setting the amount of profits he should generate within a specific period of time (like 1/2 year) or go back to work (even low paying jobs is fine as he is getting lazy after a long detachment from work) Way i see it, he is a negative expected value trader (-ev). Not good enuff to make a living out of his passion in life. So the only best way is to set a timeline and money he can afford to lose. Please lend him money or help him one last time. However, do not finance him or let him have any other forms of finance after this final venture if he loses again (which i am 90% certain he is going to).

He is a graduate and has working background. But he has not been working in the office environment for about 10 years. So he thinks that no one will want to employ him, that's why his only way out is online trading. I have given him a timeline, if it didn't work out, then he should consider being hired. He didn't make his timeline of course. And he explained it's cos he is bogged down by chores and health issues. And he emphasized that no one will want to hire him cos he did not have office background for 10 years. So he still wants to try his trading. He has not lost the capital that I provided, he lost a bit. But I believe it's truly because of inaction and inexperience.

He feels down cos he is not earning. He expects his closest family member to help him out of this mental stress, which is me, of course. But I don't know how to stay positive and encourage him after years of non success.
 
I think you gota tell him that at this juncture, he needs to earn money first than to lose money. He needs to be told straight in the face, you would rather he earn money than to keep losing and the fact is you cant keep supporting him forever. Btw, what was he doing the last 10 years? was it illness which prompted him to quit 10 years ago? That said, you can try nagging him and aks him to go work. It is very irritating and works for a lot of men.
 
There r lots of graduates driving taxi. Also considered self employed.

Yes, and these taxi drivers are self employed, and thus may not be employable after 10 years. That's what my hubby thinks. Self employed for 10 years means no market value anymore.
 
At this I don't need to pretend to be indirect, I think its gd I speak the truth abt. him, sorry!

Apparently u hv done your part as an awesome wife trying to be the only sole bread winner last many years and always being encouraging when he's down, etc.

But has he done he's part to encourage and love u and play his part as a husband and a dad? Obviously not, he's a man and a father now, and he shld learn to be more responsible and take charge. In spore, as long u hv 2 legs and 2 hands, it's not difficult to get a job, even if it's a lowly paid job, be it!

If he's loving and thoughtful towards u and your baby, then he shld be more sentisive to your needs, it's not always about how he feels this or that... Has he thought abt. your feelings? Obviously not!

I really hope u can show him all these comments here. Sometimes it's good to let him hear from third party like us.

Really feel sorry for u, not for him, he seems like a selfish person, only know how to think abt. himself and his feelings but not u. I'm sorry! I know the truth hurts! If he truly love u and the baby, he wld go out to work. Any responsible man wld do that. Isn't it obvious trading is like gambling? 4years already come on, not 4 mths ok! I wld expect a graduate to hv some wisdom.
 
How old are ur kids? U mentioned u hv a baby? If your kids are not in childcare n ur hubby has to look after them for most of the day, chances are there's little time for learning n getting gd at online trading esp with the chores to b done n its not easy to care for infant. Esp for some men. I can't imagine my hubby being able to do what ur hubby does... caring for baby all day..

I would suggest for him to start sending out resumes or u can look out for job openings for him and encourage him to go. I believe he is feeling very discouraged n probably doesnt believe any co would want to hire him again.

My hubby (then bf) was v discouraged when he couldn't get any job after graduation for months during the downturn.. while i got a job v quickly. I started looking out for jobs for him n even researching online tips to help him get through a particular interview. He is now doing v well. Sometimes men just need a little help n love n encouragement from their spouse.
 
Sorry don't mean to be tough on him, I care enough that's why am writing here again... to suggest u ask a 3rd party like a close siblings, friends, relative to talk to him...

It's already been 4 yrs and obviously he's not willing to listen to u and your kind encouraging words has fallen onto his deaf ears... My point is u can't talk him out, so pls be firmed that u will be getting help outside, tell him u love him dearly that's why u are resorting to that...

Be strong and be firmed, sorry pls don't listen to his same old story and excuses again... I guess sometimes they just need a rude awakening, soft approach doesn't always work...

Do u think most of us like to go out to work, if we hv a choice we also wish to stay at home, cos it can be stressful and political, etc. at work, but guess what, we still go to work cos FACTS is that we hv bills to pay, so die die also must look for a job for survival sake...

He has to be realistic and be responsible as a married man with kids to raise and feed... Yes u and all of us hear him, ie. hard to get a job, etc. but no choice, not having a job is also not right... At least must get him to do some kind of job, u can't continue to be the main provider... That's not fair to u in a marriage!
 
I think you gota tell him that at this juncture, he needs to earn money first than to lose money. He needs to be told straight in the face, you would rather he earn money than to keep losing and the fact is you cant keep supporting him forever. Btw, what was he doing the last 10 years? was it illness which prompted him to quit 10 years ago? That said, you can try nagging him and aks him to go work. It is very irritating and works for a lot of men.

He decided to be self employed 10 years ago. Oooh... nagging... hehe, I think he'll flip if I nag. In this house, he does the nagging, I'm not the nagging type. But maybe I shall subtly try. Thanks for the tip.
 
How old are ur kids? U mentioned u hv a baby? If your kids are not in childcare n ur hubby has to look after them for most of the day, chances are there's little time for learning n getting gd at online trading esp with the chores to b done n its not easy to care for infant. Esp for some men. I can't imagine my hubby being able to do what ur hubby does... caring for baby all day..

I would suggest for him to start sending out resumes or u can look out for job openings for him and encourage him to go. I believe he is feeling very discouraged n probably doesnt believe any co would want to hire him again.

My hubby (then bf) was v discouraged when he couldn't get any job after graduation for months during the downturn.. while i got a job v quickly. I started looking out for jobs for him n even researching online tips to help him get through a particular interview. He is now doing v well. Sometimes men just need a little help n love n encouragement from their spouse.

I'll give it a try. I had done a couple of years back, but he didn't think that he is employable, thus he didn't action on it. Years on, I think he thinks that he is even more not employable. Diff is, your hubby wants to get a job, mine thinks that he would not get a job and so shouldn't try. But nonetheless, I should really try again. Thanks!
 
Sorry don't mean to be tough on him, I care enough that's why am writing here again... to suggest u ask a 3rd party like a close siblings, friends, relative to talk to him...

It's already been 4 yrs and obviously he's not willing to listen to u and your kind encouraging words has fallen onto his deaf ears... My point is u can't talk him out, so pls be firmed that u will be getting help outside, tell him u love him dearly that's why u are resorting to that...

Be strong and be firmed, sorry pls don't listen to his same old story and excuses again... I guess sometimes they just need a rude awakening, soft approach doesn't always work...

Do u think most of us like to go out to work, if we hv a choice we also wish to stay at home, cos it can be stressful and political, etc. at work, but guess what, we still go to work cos FACTS is that we hv bills to pay, so die die also must look for a job for survival sake...

He has to be realistic and be responsible as a married man with kids to raise and feed... Yes u and all of us hear him, ie. hard to get a job, etc. but no choice, not having a job is also not right... At least must get him to do some kind of job, u can't continue to be the main provider... That's not fair to u in a marriage!

Thanx a lot for caring, I appreciate it! A few have asked me how he is doing, I lack courage to tell them that he is not doing well at all. Guys have big ego, or most of them do, and this will probably not go down well with him if I tell someone about it, especially his close ones. Yes, soft approach is not working, and he is already telling me that I am not helping him emotionally as a wife. Will hard approach push him over the edge? On one hand, I really feel like giving him a showdown to wake up his idea, but on the other hand, I'm not sure if that showdown will become the last straw to break the camel's back, which will then leave me in guilt.
 
Ego? Don't talk abt ego when he's not earning a single cent home n still complaining that he need to do so much work at home or is he even doing any house chores? If my hb is like that I won't wait till 10 yrs later. I will kick him out to work if he can't earn a single cent in 1 yr! 10 yrs not producing any result means he super bad at it so he can forget abt it n go get a job. He's just plain lazy. That's how i feel.

Since he's not good with handling the kids, then send them to childcare. Housework if he don't do, then don't. Stop feeding him as well! He have to make money to get food is he can't even do a single thing properly.

Do u want to let him spend another 10 yrs doing nothing n there ur struggling to take care of every single damn thing in the family? Either one will break down. Prepare for the worse in this case. Unless u have many 10 yrs to waste. Yr kids will grow up, u will need more money on their education. Ur not getting any younger. Soft approach don't work then give him a hard one then. It all depends on what u want.
 
Thanx a lot for caring, I appreciate it! A few have asked me how he is doing, I lack courage to tell them that he is not doing well at all. Guys have big ego, or most of them do, and this will probably not go down well with him if I tell someone about it, especially his close ones. Yes, soft approach is not working, and he is already telling me that I am not helping him emotionally as a wife. Will hard approach push him over the edge? On one hand, I really feel like giving him a showdown to wake up his idea, but on the other hand, I'm not sure if that showdown will become the last straw to break the camel's back, which will then leave me in guilt.
Tell his friends. Let them wake him up. Ur not helping him emotionally? Then is he helping u emotionally? Financially? Not at all! From what I see, he will never wake up coz he's being fed to do nothing at home! Is he really doing what he claim to be doing at home when ur at work? Remember....u do not have many 10 yrs in yr life!

He needs counselling.
 
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Tell his friends. Let them wake him up. Ur not helping him emotionally? Then is he helping u emotionally? Financially? Not at all! From what I see, he will never wake up coz he's being fed to do nothing at home! Is he really doing what he claim to be doing at home when ur at work? Remember....u do not have many 10 yrs in yr life!

He needs counselling.

Yup, I've been contemplating counseling as well. But I need him to go with me to counseling. Me going alone won't help. I thinking of an angle to nudge him to go with me and hear it from a different person what he needs to do to get out of the current situation that he himself doesn't like as well. My words are falling on deaf ears and he dismisses or ignores any action I propose, if a 3rd party concurs my suggestion, maybe it will help him.
 
I repeat... its alrdy been 4yrs not 4mths, u are not being unreasonable if u hv to 'demand' him to stop trading. Trading is no different from gambling, the chances of making profit is very slim (unless super expert which he's not) cos it's been 4yrs isn't it obvious... I think he subconsciously chose not to accept and face reality and just wanna be an 'avoider' to this issue and his struggles and as such keep giving excuses about not being able to be employed, etc. But avoiding is not a solution, what u need is a long term solution...

I will feel so sorry if u can't find any aunty uncle or siblings to help and talk to him? Actually it's the best people cos its relatives and so called there's some obligations to listen etc. and only own people dare to scold etc. if need be, just to wake him up. Outside counseling may be very formal etc. and may not be effective.

Lastly, sorry la tell him to forget about his high ego or pride, if there's no bread and butter on the table for your kids (eg. Sorry if u get retrenched etc.), then it'll be totally too late to react...
 
Hi, thanking anyone who can give a good piece of advice in advance.

I'm at my wits end. I am the sole bread winner for my house of 4 for 4 years now. My hubby doesn't earn a cent. He said he'll help with the household chores. But lately, he has not been happy helping out with household chores. He had hoped to earn from online trading but has never been successful for years. But he still bears the hope to accomplish in that arena. He thinks that there's no way out for him cos he has stopped work for many many years, so doing online trading is the only way out for him.

Now we are in this chicken and egg situation. We think we will be financial very tight if we get a helper to help with household chores so that he can try his trade again. But if we do not get a helper, he finds it hard to find time to perfect his trade cos he is laid down by the chores and taking care of the baby.

So this headache is getting him in a foul mood lately. And he is asking me to help him. But whatever suggestion I gave him, he puts it down and say I'm not helping. I told him to take a day off, let me handle the kids. He said he'll still think of how tired I will be juggling my work and the kids. I told him to read some inspirational books, he said it's not a good help. I told him to change his perception and don't be so uptight on things, he said he knows what's wrong with him, he doesn't need me to tell him that, he just need me to find a way to help him. I told him to seek some cheap and available counseling, he said he wants me to help, not someone else.

Can you give me some ideas how I can help him? It's all in his mind. He needs to change his mindset. How can I help?

Im sorry to hear abt your plight, and I feel really bad for you. You need to know that this situation is completely unacceptable. No self respecting man will go jobless for this long and let his wife support the entire family for years. Wtf! Where is his pride and ego?? Gosh. If I were u, i would have left long ago. He stays at home all day and yet he doesnt want to help with household chores or is unhappy with that!!? Then do what? Everyday kiao kah and wait for u to feed him?
Its impossible to help someone if he refuses to help himself, and from the looks of it, he is super lazy and has gotten too comfortable. Things will never change. I recommend u take your kids and go. You r better off without him! You can consider going back to him if and only if he bucks up and gets a job!
 
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Im sorry to hear abt your plight, and I feel really bad for you. You need to know that this situation is completely unacceptable. No self respecting man will go jobless for this long and let his wife support the entire family for years. Wtf! Where is his pride and ego?? Gosh. If I were u, i would have left long ago. He stays at home all day and yet he doesnt want to help with household chores or is unhappy with that!!? Then do what? Everyday kiao kah and wait for u to feed him?

Its impossible to help someone if he refuses to help himself, and from the looks of it, he is super lazy and has gotten too comfortable. Things will never change. I recommend u take your kids and go. You r better off without him! You can consider going back to him if and only if he bucks up and gets a job!
It sounds harsh but I will leave long time ago too...
 
Pls take my advice, bring in your family members to talk to him, be it parents or parents in law, bro / sis or bro / sis in law... Forget about pride, perhaps only when he's being challenged by them and feel embarrassed, then he'll quit his trading an get out to work...

Go outside counseling he doesn't know these govt. agency and sure not paiseh or embarrassed, and thus he won't change...

Hv u been a gd listener and wife all this while? Yes! Cos u alrdy gave him 4yrs not 4mths, u are considered a very nice tolerant wife liao...

Perhaps another option, if u hv given up talking to him, then print out this few pages chats here from all of usand let him read and u insert a personal note and put inside and envelop and pass him to read it!!!

After reading it and if he really have a conscience, really hope he'll wake up!!!
 
Since he has not been working for 4 years are there any jobs that u think he can get himself hired for? Try to arouse his interest and faith in himself Maybe u can get him to register at e2i which also holds regular career fairs. Or get him interested in another career path and source out the certification needed to change career path. How old is he? If he is still in 30s , chances of him getting reemployed are pretty gd.
 
I agree with @betc... if he doesn't want to improve and get a decent job and start earning money, there is nothing you can help. If he want to do online trading which doesn't earn anything now, at least be a decent house husband... if he can't even do that, you only can support him rest of his life.
 
Maybe it's me, I get too soft-hearted. He is contributing by covering some household chores, although he complains about it. But when he gets agitated or depressed and say negative comments, I get annoyed that he is not contributing where it needs the most, ie. $$$. $$$ can find us someone to cover the need for household chores to be done, but no one can cover the need to bring in $$$ for the household.
 
hi heavyheart, sorry to hear about your story. Why don't u suggest to ur hubby to get some part time or temporary jobs for a start? The money is little but it must start somewhere. At least the money can still help u in your family finances. I don't think it's hard for a graduate to find re-employment again. I agree that in Singapore, as long as we have a pair of hands and feet, we can find jobs. Btw, how old are u and hubby and how many kids do u have?
 
Well even stay at hm mothers can get depressed and negative wo much support from friends n family. U havent divulged much information on whether your hubby is spending time taking care of your children while u are out working or whether your children are placed in childcare n under other caregivers.
It's a thankless n never ending/ repetitive job doing household chores and easy to lose our sense of self worth because as u said a maid can also look after the kids these days n do the chores.
 
Yes ur hubby needs help. Not from anyone else but HIMSELF to wake up & start helping to contribute to the family. At this point of time, he seems to lack the confidence to stand on his feet back in the work force.

As a sidenote, unless one has the flair and talent to excel in trading, it's always best to earn one's living through hard work. IMHO, investments should always be done using excess cash as it's prone to risks.
 
hi heavyheart, sorry to hear about your story. Why don't u suggest to ur hubby to get some part time or temporary jobs for a start? The money is little but it must start somewhere. At least the money can still help u in your family finances. I don't think it's hard for a graduate to find re-employment again. I agree that in Singapore, as long as we have a pair of hands and feet, we can find jobs. Btw, how old are u and hubby and how many kids do u have?

I agree. I thought it shouldn't be impossible although it may be difficult. We are in the 30s and 40s with 2 kids.
 
Pls take my advice, bring in your family members to talk to him, be it parents or parents in law, bro / sis or bro / sis in law... Forget about pride, perhaps only when he's being challenged by them and feel embarrassed, then he'll quit his trading an get out to work...

Go outside counseling he doesn't know these govt. agency and sure not paiseh or embarrassed, and thus he won't change...

Hv u been a gd listener and wife all this while? Yes! Cos u alrdy gave him 4yrs not 4mths, u are considered a very nice tolerant wife liao...

Perhaps another option, if u hv given up talking to him, then print out this few pages chats here from all of usand let him read and u insert a personal note and put inside and envelop and pass him to read it!!!

After reading it and if he really have a conscience, really hope he'll wake up!!!

Wow! Hmmm.... that's an alternative. Let him read instead of talking to him. It may give him time to think through while reading instead of defending himself and get aggressive when talking face to face. Thanks, I'll keep this trick in my pocket.
 
Well even stay at hm mothers can get depressed and negative wo much support from friends n family. U havent divulged much information on whether your hubby is spending time taking care of your children while u are out working or whether your children are placed in childcare n under other caregivers.
It's a thankless n never ending/ repetitive job doing household chores and easy to lose our sense of self worth because as u said a maid can also look after the kids these days n do the chores.

In the day, when I'm not home, he'll need to take care of the baby. What he does other than that, I do not know. He mentioned taking care of the baby took up most of his time. Maybe cover some chores. But if I'm home (which is most of the time), I'm the main care giver to the baby unless I have important calls to attend, which is about maybe half the time. My elder one is at childcare so we do not need to take care of her. In the night, I'm the main care giver for both. He sometimes go out to get some time alone to either work or chill.

I'm conscious that it's tiring to do the chores. The chores at home includes doing the laundry, washing the dishes, sweeping/vacuuming and occasionally mopping. He cooks sometimes. And fetches us to and from work/school. That's about it. I'm thankful. And I help out when I can. He means that all these are taking up a lot of his time, thus he can't focus on his trading. And thus the chicken and egg situation. No time for trading, thus no money, thus can't get a helper, thus no time for trading.
 
Hi,
Trading is not easy and not for the faint hearted. You will be glued to the screen almost 8 hrs a day only leaving for food or toilet breaks.
An investor will have to split his portfolio into various risk and part of it must include high dividends yield stocks to balance your tradings.
Recent 1 month, stock market has been quite bad, and a lot of traders/ investors have lost badly. It could be the cause of mood swings,
fustrations etc.

Being out of job 4 years is not an excuse for not being able to find a job. If he is willing to start at a salary at a reasonable level, lower
than his peers, there are jobs available. Of course, he must have a positive attitude, responsible and be willing learn.

I believe he is more looking into having his 'freedom' and flexibility of time rather than being strapped to a 8-6pm job. Alternatively, he can
look into the real estate/ insurance industry, working like a free lancer.

'Working' at home for a long time, not having a social circle of friends, also result in a person being boring, as there is no one to talk to,
no one to discuss or talk intellectually, lesser exposure.

You will need to see where he is lacking or where he needs to motivated before both of you can start in improving your lifestyle/relationship.

I have done online tradings for a few years, and it is tough. Many people trade emotionally, there are many reports, analysis, TA, charts, etc
to read and follow. If he is so keen in trading, get a dealer's/ remiser licence. At least he is doing what he likes and earning a living but he
must be very discipline in this job.

Just my 2cents worth. Good luck!
 
I have no idea what is trading, so since Beautifullyu mentioned that needs to be glued to the screen almost 8 hrs a day. I have a suggestion, put yr younger child to childcare, give him 6 mths to 1 yr to do his trading full time at home. His 'me time' is only allowed on either on saturdays or sundays (only 1 day for him to be fair to u). If no results seen after that given time, out he goes to work for others. Up to u to decide. Unless he's going to do what he had been doing for the next 10 yrs.
 
@Heavy Heart your current situation reminded me of someone I know..a distance uncle.
He used to hold high post in a bank but got retrenched in 1990s. Since then he has been jobless for 30 over years. Its not that he doesn't want to find a job, he has a lot of opportunities but he just let it go. Giving a lot of excuses, post not high, pay not high, etc...
For the past 30+ years, the wife has been supporting both the only child and the husband.
The wife doesn't earn much, but still manage to afford 3 meals a day. So when the child grows up, adapt the same mentality as the father. Lazy, giving the same excuses like the cannot find job, pay not good, etc... for the past 6-7yrs.
Now you have 2 young kids, I'm sure when your kids grow up they will ask you why is daddy always at home? How are you going to tell them?
My distance uncle is a good example for your husband to do self reflection. Escaping from reality isn't helping him, ask him to face it. You can help him now, but cannot help him forever. He has to seek help from the professional.
 
Hi,
Trading is not easy and not for the faint hearted. You will be glued to the screen almost 8 hrs a day only leaving for food or toilet breaks.
An investor will have to split his portfolio into various risk and part of it must include high dividends yield stocks to balance your tradings.
Recent 1 month, stock market has been quite bad, and a lot of traders/ investors have lost badly. It could be the cause of mood swings,
fustrations etc.

Being out of job 4 years is not an excuse for not being able to find a job. If he is willing to start at a salary at a reasonable level, lower
than his peers, there are jobs available. Of course, he must have a positive attitude, responsible and be willing learn.

I believe he is more looking into having his 'freedom' and flexibility of time rather than being strapped to a 8-6pm job. Alternatively, he can
look into the real estate/ insurance industry, working like a free lancer.

'Working' at home for a long time, not having a social circle of friends, also result in a person being boring, as there is no one to talk to,
no one to discuss or talk intellectually, lesser exposure.

You will need to see where he is lacking or where he needs to motivated before both of you can start in improving your lifestyle/relationship.

I have done online tradings for a few years, and it is tough. Many people trade emotionally, there are many reports, analysis, TA, charts, etc
to read and follow. If he is so keen in trading, get a dealer's/ remiser licence. At least he is doing what he likes and earning a living but he
must be very discipline in this job.

Just my 2cents worth. Good luck!

Yes, I think you catch some good points. He doesn't have colleagues, so he is probably trapped in a mind of his own, frustrations and confusion included. And it's not working well with him cos he will tend to find an outlet with the family. I tried to ask him to connect with other online traders. I'm still trying.
 
can u survive without him?
u r the sole breadwinner. seems like u can really do well on your own.

Didn't want to admit but I did think of this. Sigh! If I get a helper, I can really survive on my own, except that the helper cannot substitute what a father means to the kids and some comfort (whatever he can afford to) to me as a husband.
 
@Heavy Heart your current situation reminded me of someone I know..a distance uncle.
He used to hold high post in a bank but got retrenched in 1990s. Since then he has been jobless for 30 over years. Its not that he doesn't want to find a job, he has a lot of opportunities but he just let it go. Giving a lot of excuses, post not high, pay not high, etc...
For the past 30+ years, the wife has been supporting both the only child and the husband.
The wife doesn't earn much, but still manage to afford 3 meals a day. So when the child grows up, adapt the same mentality as the father. Lazy, giving the same excuses like the cannot find job, pay not good, etc... for the past 6-7yrs.
Now you have 2 young kids, I'm sure when your kids grow up they will ask you why is daddy always at home? How are you going to tell them?
My distance uncle is a good example for your husband to do self reflection. Escaping from reality isn't helping him, ask him to face it. You can help him now, but cannot help him forever. He has to seek help from the professional.

OK, this sounds scary. I'll enlighten him to this possibility. Thanks for sharing. He doesn't want the kids to turn up the way he is now, so that's a good start. But if he doesn't want it but doesn't do anything to stop it, that's as good as doing nothing and hoping that something drops from the sky.
 
i have an uncle who didnt work for almost the whole of his adulthood. but his wife (my auntie) just stayed on in the marriage.

my auntie has no comments about her marriage. she prob loves my uncle a lot to take on the full responsibility. but my cousin her son, looks down on my uncle. and he is very attitude towards my uncle most of the time.
 
i have an uncle who didnt work for almost the whole of his adulthood. but his wife (my auntie) just stayed on in the marriage.

my auntie has no comments about her marriage. she prob loves my uncle a lot to take on the full responsibility. but my cousin her son, looks down on my uncle. and he is very attitude towards my uncle most of the time.

That's cos they know he's not working? In my case, nobody knows except me that he is not contributing a single cent. So he doesn't get that kind of treatment.
 
hmm... whatever sort of treatment was i talking about? i am just sharing anyway. not that i approve of what my auntie is doing.
my cousin start to look down on his father from his rebellious age. that's like in the teens? i forgot.
i guess when u r that big, u prob already realise whats going on.
in our younger days we were goofing around like how cousins should.
 
If he is really keen in online trading he can still do so with a full-time job over the weekends. He is a graduate so definitely he can command at least 3k for an entry level job that doesnt need any experience. Maybe look through the job ads for him to shortlist some. If his income from online trading surpasses his full-time pay he can always quit his job and focus on it. You should let him know the stress you feel as sole bread winner.

I have a relative whose husband was self employed and started a business then later wound it up and never worked again even when his wife was very sick and had to resign. He had the thought that no one would employ him and is only interested in a certain kind of job that he likes and never got back to work at all.

All the best to you!
 
Yes, I think you catch some good points. He doesn't have colleagues, so he is probably trapped in a mind of his own, frustrations and confusion included. And it's not working well with him cos he will tend to find an outlet with the family. I tried to ask him to connect with other online traders. I'm still trying.

There are a number on online investor forums, but I believe your hubby should have catch on with them. In the past, we organised dinners to meet up with like-minded.
Yes, when you are at home, you have no colleagues, and often, frustrations outlets are on the family, this is especially bad on a bad day/week. Sometimes you get sleepless nights, dark eye ring circles or skipping meals.

Instead of gluing to the screen and be an online trader, he should switch to be an online investor. Sleep better, more time for family, more balanced.
 
Surprise!!! He mentioned about getting back to work!!! I'm not sure if this will lead to anywhere, but at least it's a start. I'm gonna plough through the job sites to help him. I sensed that if we really get a helper to help with the chores, and if money is too tight, he knows he needs to step up and step out. Just knowing that he is toiling with the idea is already a great relief. If there really is a need, I do hope that he will really make the jump!
 
instead of spending more money, i think you need to focus on saving more money...
beside paying monthly salary to a maid, you also have to pay for her food, accommodation, levy, insurance, air tickets, bond, agency fees, etc...
will your husband earn more to cover these? if he can match it, your living standard still will not improve because your monthly household income increase together with your household expenditures.
why not start with part timers first?
 
Heavy heart, I am so happy for you. Actually when i first read your post, I was in shock because i didnt expect a guy to be like this. Now that your HB is willing to work, I think this is the best news ever. Try not to be over enthu or you may risk killing his idea when searching for a job. Further, give him room for his input.

Finally, good luck!!!!
 
Heavy heart, I am so happy for you. Actually when i first read your post, I was in shock because i didnt expect a guy to be like this. Now that your HB is willing to work, I think this is the best news ever. Try not to be over enthu or you may risk killing his idea when searching for a job. Further, give him room for his input.

Finally, good luck!!!!

well he is not the first.
i've heard similar stories too.
1 of which is a wife instead. the husband cant cope with a single income. the wife is having a lot of excuse not to go back to work although actually she is really talented if she puts her heart to it.
 
Heavy heart, I am so happy for you. Actually when i first read your post, I was in shock because i didnt expect a guy to be like this. Now that your HB is willing to work, I think this is the best news ever. Try not to be over enthu or you may risk killing his idea when searching for a job. Further, give him room for his input.

Finally, good luck!!!!

Thanx Daman, yup, I'm trying not to be over the top too much. I don't feel as gloomy but I don't want to bang all my 100% hope on it. But as I said, it's a good start! I shortlisted 3 jobs already. Wish me luck!!
 
instead of spending more money, i think you need to focus on saving more money...
beside paying monthly salary to a maid, you also have to pay for her food, accommodation, levy, insurance, air tickets, bond, agency fees, etc...
will your husband earn more to cover these? if he can match it, your living standard still will not improve because your monthly household income increase together with your household expenditures.
why not start with part timers first?

I'm already getting help from a part timer. Thing is, my part timer comes in alternate weeks for 3-4 hours. It doesn't relief him on the daily chores still. Yes, we calculated the overheads as well as the salary. I think.... if he will step out, he can easily cover all these overheads and have some more to spare. So to really get a helper, we are taking a leap of faith that the helper can relief him of his time spent on chores and get him to be productive on his online trading. And I'm taking a bigger leap of faith that if he is still not productive, then he will get out and find a boss.
 
Hi Heavy Heart, why not start encourage ur hb to study n b a broker instead ... He still can trade online n earn the $ n bring in finance for the family ... Furthermore, he will get out the claustrophobic 4walls of the house... Hope this helps ur marriage... God bless
 

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Hi Heavy Heart, why not start encourage ur hb to study n b a broker instead ... He still can trade online n earn the $ n bring in finance for the family ... Furthermore, he will get out the claustrophobic 4walls of the house... Hope this helps ur marriage... God bless
actually most people wants to be forex trader is because they can work from home, flexible timing and able to earn lots of money.. but of course not many can make it la...
 

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