Obsessed with grandchildren

bbabyblue

Active Member
Any mummies face the issues where your in-laws are obsessed over your children? Everyday must come over your place to see them, control in almost everything you provide to your kids. E.g., the brand of milk powder, clothing they wear, food they eat, which childcare they go to, etc....
 

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Mine is almost the same... My parents are concerned but not obsessed. My pil are a bit over. Since birth gave us a hard time on my baby's childcare arrangements. I'm a bit direct so sometimes I just tell them off. My baby or ur baby?!?!! Came to a point I said "as a mother I wld make sure my baby gets the best care. There's no question about it." But this might be too direct, cos some might feel it's disrespectful or makes the future days together awkward. But I heck care type. Hubby also bo Bian.
It wld be good to set at least some ground rules to ur hubby to communicate. Unimportant things like clothes, does not impact health dun comment, not welcomed.
I think grandparents assume that they that a lot of authority, sometimes a bit over step.
 
Agreed, especially if they are the well educated ones, they always think they are correct and others are wrong. If we talked back at them, they feel we are ill-mannered. I always tell my husband he handles his family and I will handle mine. If he don't say, then I will do the talking and won't give any face. Mine always think they are high class pple, so everything must be up standard, like which CC to go to. Don't care of the distance and the fees, must go for the best one in spore, neighbourhood ones are considered lousy in their eyes. I am particularly about food, would prefer home cooked food for my kids while they feel outside food tastes better, always challenge me say must give this n that but knows nuts about the nutrients fact. Do u stay with your in laws? Is your husband the only son or does he has other siblings as well?
 
Oh well, different pple, different views. Only parents who experienced similar situation will understand.


Agreed. Though my case is not as extreme as yours, I do feel stressed. Now my kids are in primary school, life gets better. I can empathize with yr situation.
 
I do hope things will get better when my kids are older. For me, I am not particular on which sch they go to, doesn't need to go those branded sch as it will give both parents and kids unnecessary stress. At the end of the day, when kid grows up n start working in the society who will cares which sch they went. I'm sure the employer won't, cos what matter most is whether the candidate the company who employ has positive working attitude and is able to contribute back to the company.
 
Bbabyblue

I think the same as you, it is more of having a positive attitude. My kids go to neighborhood school n they are happy. That is what is most important. For yr case, I feel u need to make a stand otherwise yr in laws think it is ok to make the decision for yr child. My problems reduced cos my kids do not visit their grandparents as often as before. I do not believe if a child do not receive grandparents love be any less happy than kids with grandparents.

Sometimes those kids with grandparents who loved them too much without any discipline become spoilt kids instead. Only parents know best. For me, grandparents just dote on the grandchildren cos they re young n cute, other than that, they do not discipline them. Except for the minority of grandparents who do discipline the grandchildren.
 
Stay strong, bbabyblue. It gets better when the child is older esp in primary school as he/she can understand u and will not be easily influenced by the grandparents. For age 0-6, u hv to guard the fort otherwise it will be tough for u to discipline yr child.

I am speaking from experience. Just like a mother animal will do anything to protect her babies, u can do the same to minimize the negative influence from yr in laws on yr child.
 
@moorspa7, I agreed with you. Grandparents always find their grandchildren cute when they are young. Will always showered them with toys, clothing, etc.. to me sometimes I feel like is bribery to the children. My husband even thou he stands in the same side as me will sometimes be soft heartened towards his parents and agreed with them in things that doesn't make sense.
Just curious, if your kids doesn't visit their grandparents as often than usual, doesn't your husband has any objection? Especially if your children are the only grandchildren the old folks have
 
My kids are not their only grandchildren but they are the youngest. I tolerated my MIL for a long time. I still remembered how she gave chocolate to my gal secretly when she was a baby. I found out by smelling my gal's breath accidentally. She said my gal need to eat chocolate as it is a good food, ya like real. I told her she is too young for chocolate. For me to respect elders, they need to respect us too. Too bad, Asian parents has the belief they own their kids and grandchildren, so no respect is needed. Anyway, there are many unhappy experiences but I just tolerated.

To answer yr question if my husband has no objection, I would say it took his betrayal 5 yrs ago to take things into my own hands. I lost respect for him over the yrs with no apology. From my own experience, in laws interference can cause stress to yr marriage. So do take note of that.

Things wear out easily when you do not take gd care of them, it is the same with marriage. Too bad, it is my husband who does not take me seriously so I do things my way now. When one has enough and driven to the corner, you just do what is beneficial for yrself. Keeping myself happy and sane is my first priority, giving too much has caused me too much pain.

Do what is right for yr child, and your husband needs to be firm with his parents. Initially, you can still handle it but when such stress continues for a long time, it will wear you out and cause strain to the marriage as well. It is important for yr husband to be on yr side and be firm. It is important for couple to hv the same or similar views on parenting, otherwise long term conflicts will create a lot of problems in future.
 
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Sometimes I'm wondering will there be any different in term of how grandchildren are being treated between those mil who are highly educated vs those mil who are homemaker. Will the outcome be the same or different?
 
It has nothing to do whether MILs are educated or not. It is their expectations. Some like to boast to their friends which school their grandchildren go to. Their social circle plays a very big part in their expectations of their kids and grandchildren. My MIL is not educated but she has her friends, and she is the type who like to compare. When there is comparison, there will always be expectations. Some elderly like to boast as it makes them feel good, and they want face a lot. My MIL is in that category.

It also depends on their character, some do not care what others say. Just ask yrself what kind of MIL would u be in future?

I just feel it boils down to self esteem n expectations. Did yr husband went through the same thing during his childhood? Did his parents expect him to go to a popular school?
 
To add, some elderly like to act that they are superior or wiser(educated or not) than their DIL. Like what I mentioned earlier, my MIL tell me chocolate is tonic food n my gal shld eat it. They want attention and DIL to listen to them.

She kept advocating formula to me when I breastfed my kids, and always ask if I hv enough breast milk til I can stand no longer, I told her if I do not hv enough breast milk, how would my kids be able to grow? From then onwards, she stopped asking. It took me a long time to think of what to say to her so that she would stop asking me, as it irritates me. She just want my kids to take formula. My husband was never on my side, I hv to be firm. Even if I talk to him abt it, he just didn't care.
 
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Bbabyblue,

Draw boundaries n be respectful to yr in laws, and they can find no fault with u. It may take a long time to get yr message across. Starting with reducing their visits to yr home.
 
My in laws are the educated kind, so is considered 'wow' in the early 60s for those who have gotten degree from local university. So they plan for their children to go to good church kindergarten, single sex primary and secondary sch. JC and local university... hopefully that when they grow up they can get a good job. Sadly life isn't like this. good schs doesn't equal to good job. It doesn't even guarantee a seat at CEO or President of a company. My in laws feel that they are well educated kind so their mindset n decision are always correct. But to me I find that they are gullible in a lot of things, whatever pple say they believe. My mil can tell me change to S26, Similac, etc... said her friends said is good. I told her milk powder are all the same, is all in marketing gimmicks best is still BM. N she keeps quiet about it. My mil always feel that whatever she said or do everyone must obey to her, cannot say no. Out of 365days in a yr, 363 days she has her meals everyday outside. The only 2 days she cook is CNY eve and first day of CNY. Always tell me must let my kids eat outside food, if not next time their frens will laugh at them for not able to eat outside food. Told her now they are young, home cooked food is always the best. When they are older, they have plenty of time to go eat outside. Just don't understand y must make my children follow her bad eating habits. Its not like I don't know how to cook, or is she the one cooking. I don't even find it troublesome to bring home cooked food outside to eat, so why she complaint so much. If she is a health freak, concern about cholesterol, etc.. maybe I will listen but she isn't. Her knowledge of food is considered the poorest among the pple I know.
 
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I completely understand how u feel when I read yr posting. Yr mil is so similar to my mil, only difference is she is not educated. She listens to her friends too. I agree with u on not giving outside food to kids from age 0-6, as they hv a whole of their lifetime to eat outside food later. I am like u when it comes to food. I bring home cooked food out when they were young. Now they eat outside food when they go out, kids can adapt.

U are definitely more informative in such things. Stay firm. For such pple, telling them once is not enough, u need to repeat yrself many times and draw boundaries til they get it that u will not give in. It will be hard n tiring but u hv to persist for the sake of yr child.

If u need to let steam out, just write in the forum.
 
@pingping, thanks. I'm glad that there are mummies out there who understand how I feel and the situation I m facing.
I think in laws comparing their grandchildren with their relative's / friends' grandchildren are common but don't bring in the negatives comment and said it in front of us. I always tell them don't compare, different kids different learning curves. Its not like they are the smartest person in the universe. My parents always tell me don't go n provoke them directly cos they are my in laws, if not next time they don't want to help you take care of your children. To me this is a childish way of threatening, don't take care even better cos they will be impacting the wrong things to them. I'm not even drawing a monthly salary from them or staying under the same roof as them, why should I c their 脸色 and bow down to their requirement n expectation?
 
Hi fellow mommies,

I have a 21month old daughter whom i have started to teach to feed herself using spoon but everytime I let her feed herself there's a mess.. Not big mess, just that the food may be all over her chin and sometimes drop and for me that is ok and normal. I can clean her up and the mess after. I feel that she learns through this. However, my neat-freak of a mil is always reprimanding me for letting her be messy. Always telling me to her boys are never messy. I keep on explaining to her that i will clean up after, just let the baby eat as she is learning.

It's frustrating.

I can't teach my baby independence. Even independent play, she steps in and hovers around my baby who is playing by herself quietly. She is giving me alot of stress :(

We live with them for now as we wait for our bto to finish.
 
Limit contact. Hehehe...

It's understandable that grandparents want to dote on their grandchild and I'm ok with that. My daughter is their first, for my hubby side. The only thing is when we are busy and cannot meet, they get unhappy. Like it is our duty to ensure that can meet her every week. So, sometimes not happy with us etc.

BTW, i got not much social life since weekends are reserve for our family. It is irritating sometimes and my friends also want to meet my baby at times.
 
Hi fellow mommies,

I have a 21month old daughter whom i have started to teach to feed herself using spoon but everytime I let her feed herself there's a mess.. Not big mess, just that the food may be all over her chin and sometimes drop and for me that is ok and normal. I can clean her up and the mess after. I feel that she learns through this. However, my neat-freak of a mil is always reprimanding me for letting her be messy. Always telling me to her boys are never messy. I keep on explaining to her that i will clean up after, just let the baby eat as she is learning.

It's frustrating.

I can't teach my baby independence. Even independent play, she steps in and hovers around my baby who is playing by herself quietly. She is giving me alot of stress :(

We live with them for now as we wait for our bto to finish.

mine also the same, cleanliness freak. Whenever is meal time will sure see a lot of tissue papers around dinning table as my mil will feed abit wipe abit, wipe hands, wipe mouth before the meal is finished. Is only when my daughter went CC learnt from to self feed then she tries not to spoon feed her. I always emphasis to my daughter she is old enough to feed herself, she cannot bring grandma to sch to feed her ( also at the same time suan my mil to stop spoon feeding my gal)
Last time what I will do during meal time is to put newspapers under the highchair so if the food drop will b on the newspapers. Don't have so much mess to clean up.
 
Limit contact. Hehehe...

It's understandable that grandparents want to dote on their grandchild and I'm ok with that. My daughter is their first, for my hubby side. The only thing is when we are busy and cannot meet, they get unhappy. Like it is our duty to ensure that can meet her every week. So, sometimes not happy with us etc.

BTW, i got not much social life since weekends are reserve for our family. It is irritating sometimes and my friends also want to meet my baby at times.

My in-laws are the same, esp my fil. He will come everyday without fail just to c my daughter for 5-10min also happy. N this last for a good 2.5yrs, till my husband put a stop to it.
 
Talking about obsessed with grandchildren, no one can beat my mil. She did many things after my big boy was born to prevent him from bonding with me. She and my hb created many opportunities to let the unmarried sil bond closer to my son. They did it to the extend that they stopped me from going near to my son. As long as that woman was around, they let her do everything for my son. Mil would brainwash my son for hours just abt the things her unmarried daughter had done for him.

It took me a long time to get my rights to make decision for my son.
It was not easy. It ruin my relationship with my hb but i don't care anymore. Since he thinks it is more impt for his mum and unmarried sis to bond with our sons than him or me bonding with them. Why should i care?

When my 2nd boy was born, i took precautions to prevent the history to repeat itself.
 
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@tensilestrain does your sil even likes kids in the first place? No point your husband and mil try to bond your son together with your sil when she doesn't even like children. My mil also try to do the same but fortunately my husband's sil doesn't even like children, but always pretend infront of my in-laws that she likes to play with my kids. The sight of it is really damm disgusting, cos straight away can see she is just out to apple polishing the 2 old folks. Only my mil buys it.
 
I wonder how these unmarried sis inlaws feels when their niece and nephew are rubbed on their faces.. Come on, it's got to be awkward for them too

My mil scoffed at me when i used to let my newborn daughter sleep on my chest. I thought it was a very natural thing to do but she told me that my LO will get used to it and would be very difficult to put to sleep on her own someday. I just told her that i will deal with that when the day comes. 20 mos later, LO sleeps on her own cot.

I can't fathom the reasons why these mils would even try to break our bond with our LOs. Hidden insecurities?
 
Maybe those unmarried sil just like to play with kids, but don't want to have any long term commitment. Its just like keeping pets.
I think some mil are just jealous that arent getting enough attention from their own kids or husband so try to make life difficult for us.
 
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Had a heaty debate with my mil on feeding. Whenever she comes over she will always want to spoon feed my gal. N whenever I c it, I will always tell my gal she got hands can feed herself then my mil will stop. But whenever i turn my head away, I will caught my mil spoon feed her again. I told my mil, my gal is already in CC nobody in sch will feed her she has to learn. Her reply was must let her at least have abit of food in her tummy first, then after that let her fees by herself, mist train her bit by bit. N I asked her If she goes to pri sch how? R Still going to spoon feed her?
Then she went to complaint to my husband, cos she feels that she is correct n I m wrong. Question is which part m i wrong in? Teaching my gal to self feed herself?
 
Bbabyblue, totally understand how you feel. Both my mum and mil also believe that the child cannot go empty stomach, so must feed the child if child eats too slowly or does not eat as much as other kids. Even though i had told them not to, they still insisted. For my case, i didn't really stop them as i thought they really enjoyed the 'process' of chasing after my boy. But when my elder boy was approching 2 yo, i insisted he should self feed at mil house. Reason: when i fed him, mil nagged must train him self feed. When she fed, after a few spoons, she said tired and asked her unmarried daughter to continue.

About the unmarried sil, if there is opportunity, i am sure she doesn't mind long term commitment and having her own children. It is because she is unlikely to be married, so they tried very hard to create opportunities for my son to be attached to her.
 
My kids are not their only grandchildren but they are the youngest. I tolerated my MIL for a long time. I still remembered how she gave chocolate to my gal secretly when she was a baby. I found out by smelling my gal's breath accidentally. She said my gal need to eat chocolate as it is a good food, ya like real. I told her she is too young for chocolate. For me to respect elders, they need to respect us too. Too bad, Asian parents has the belief they own their kids and grandchildren, so no respect is needed. Anyway, there are many unhappy experiences but I just tolerated.

To answer yr question if my husband has no objection, I would say it took his betrayal 5 yrs ago to take things into my own hands. I lost respect for him over the yrs with no apology. From my own experience, in laws interference can cause stress to yr marriage. So do take note of that.

Things wear out easily when you do not take gd care of them, it is the same with marriage. Too bad, it is my husband who does not take me seriously so I do things my way now. When one has enough and driven to the corner, you just do what is beneficial for yrself. Keeping myself happy and sane is my first priority, giving too much has caused me too much pain.

Do what is right for yr child, and your husband needs to be firm with his parents. Initially, you can still handle it but when such stress continues for a long time, it will wear you out and cause strain to the marriage as well. It is important for yr husband to be on yr side and be firm. It is important for couple to hv the same or similar views on parenting, otherwise long term conflicts will create a lot of problems in future.

I agree Wif u
I m in similar situation as u
In fact I stop visiting my mil coz the hurt is too strong for me to face her without feeling hatred.
My hub still side Wif her. Can tell fr his attitude n tone of voice.
I used to think for him n try to b understanding. Now is different
Kids come first n I will do anything to protect my rights. Even if it means divorce
 
Is not that I'm cusing the old folks, but seriously if they really want to be in control about everything of how we mothers discipline or take care of our kids, they better live up till hundred yrs old. To see them grad from sch, get married n have family on their own. Should let them c how kids have turned out to be under their 'TLC'.
I can guarantee that kids under in laws 'TLC' with no discipline from the old folks or from the parents will turned out to b a spolit brat to the society. As I ever a witness when the uncle caught his young 6yrs old nephew drinking cold drink when he had cough, question him who gave him cold drink. He immediately respond that grandma gave me. Grandma immediately self defense herself, saying 'u want cold drink so I gave to u' so the uncle scolded his mum that she obviously know the nephew had cough why still give him cold drink... for the kid, he just happily walk off n leave the 2 adults have heaty argument.
If my in laws actually encounter this, first thing is to blame me n my husband y my kids turn out like that. But they themselves will never think they are the main causes of it. N my mil will always self defense n said in her famous line 'why nobody stop me' n throw her tantrums saying to my husband 'I m not coming over to help, u settle on your own'
 
One thing I can't stand about my mil is that she just cant let us (hubby and i) parent our daughter! She always has to 'join in' and fuss over the small child. Can you imagine 3 grown adults fawning over a toddler in a small living room?! I just want to tell her to lay off and mind her own business but that would be deemed "disrespectful".

Ugh.. Living under one roof with her is a real torture.
 
Agreed. Regardless is it living under the same roof or living separately, they are always around us to make comments on how we take care of our children. Like they are the experts in everything, must seek their approval to get things done.
Mine will try to act smart, n have multiple roles- teacher, doctor, director, chef. Always like to say 'last time' when your husband etc.... I also.... ya last time was 30plus over yrs ago..when technology and medical wasn't even advanced. Still want to compare last time to now..
 
I sympathize with you :( it's like they see our kids as their chance to re-do their lost motherhood. I often catch my mil calling my daughter her baby esp when she was only a few weeks old.

My hubby just came home from work and I handed him the baby so he could kiss her. Mil immediately said "daddy didnt bathe yet! Dont kiss my baby!"

I corrected her and replied "daddy is your baby! The small one is mine and i can clean her up before bed." Her expression was priceless! Hahaha
 
I think what we are facing is 隔代爱 that is very popular in China. In laws showering the love onto our own children to make up for the lost love they didn't give their own children but didn't realize that they do more harm. I rather they are the don't care type of grandparents instead.
Ever since my kids are born I see them more often than my own parents.
 
My mil wants to feel needed. I initially requested for her help immediately after giving birth to my daughter. It was only to do my girl's laundry. I was a ftm and i was recovering frm c-sec so it was an uphill recovery for me.

Omg, just a few weeks into helping me, she started fussing that i had mixed some dirty laundry with the "clean" dirty laundry hence there was smell! So i ended up segregating my baby's used clothes into "dirty" and "clean" used laundry. When I felt better, I stopped asking for her help. My baby's burp cloths were all ruined because of her "method". All got black stains and i had to throw away. She initially chastised me for washing machine them in the machine coz handwash only for baby clothes. I didnt reply but i showed her that there are no black stains on the clothes and burp cloths i washed. She shut up eventually.

Sorry for the rant but it feels good to get it off my chest..
 
How I wish I can tell my mil this. :D
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Babyblue> that's priceless... Lol
I started call my lil one by name instead of baby, cos when they grow up they cannot identify themselves from other babies... I actually think it's ok for pil to call my baby its especially evident if the baby is the first in the family. But over attachment is an issue especially is "style of parenting" conflicts.
My mil finds that it's ok for my toddler to put non-food items in the mouth, citing that oh it has been washed. Same for walking bare foot in the corridor, citing the corridor has been washed. Whereas I think it's not right cos dd will grow up thinking non food put mouth is ok, walk anywhere outside no shoe is ok... First time I just tell my hubby to pass the message. If happen second time I say in their faces straight. At least this way lesser conflict. Cant fight everything everyday... Dam tiring.
 
My husband is not my mil favourite 'trophy', even thou my mil has been hoping for several yrs that her fav 'trophy' will bear grandchildren for her. So when my kids are born, she undertakes them as her own 'trophy' even thou they are not from her fav one.
Sometimes I wonder, if only my mil's fav 'trophy' did give her grandchildren then she won't be so obsessed with mine. But currently, even thou her fav 'trophy' did give the old folks grandchildren, they also won't like them as much as my kids, cos they are considered the first in the family line. N usually old folk will tend to dote their first grandchild.
 
Seriously? I was hoping mil would lay off my daughter once her trophy boy has a baby of his own.. Not happening anytime soon though since trophy boy is still attached to her hip at 30+ yr old >.<
 
Yup, that's what I see between my first and second one. my in laws are very protective on the first one. if my maid is alone with the first one my fil will volunteer to 'babysit' until my mil finished her work n come over my place . They will never let the maid b alone with the first one. But when the second one is born, my fil never once volunteer to babysit even thou my mil is at work n second one is alone with maid. Even my own parents can see its sub-standard between first and second. Told my husband before whatever is it both are their grandchildren, treatment must b the same. @karoosel even though your mil trophy son does get married doesn't mean the wife will want to have kids. My mil trophy's wife doesn't like kids at all, despite the old folks keep nagging. Till now I think they give up already, cos no point to pin false hope.
 
Mine is also 1st grandchild, hubby is the only son, in-laws obsessed with my kid more than my parent do. MIL is now staying over with us in our BTO on weekdays to bring kid to IFC even though we have a helper. I sometimes do wonder if it's really like what someone here has mentioned, the 隔代爱. My ILs are full time working parents and, unlike my own mum, so I feel that they are using my kid as a substitute to makeup for the regret they had with their own son. I also have caught my ILs referring to herself as mummy (dont know if slip of mouth or what), and she love to smooch my son non-stop whenever she is carrying him in front of me. Really feel so uncomfortable with that - i didn't have the kid for them to makeup for their own regrets in life!

Would be able to manage everything on my own, but ILs always find a way to come in to "help" even though I have told them I am perfectly fine and capable to do it on my own. I can understand that they want to bond with their grandkid, but I don't know how to manage their "interruptions" without saying things in a very frank manner, which they tend to take as offensive/disrespectful.

Not sure if they will be equally obsessive with my #2 which is otw - if so, I think I may have to abandon the current way of "we handle our own parents" and sit the ILs down for a straight talk. :|

While I must say that my hubby did a passable job managing his parents, I can see the the pressure of managing both sides taking a toll on him. Really hope that the ILs see that and give us the space we need - 相见容易,相处难。If there ain't so intrusive, it will be so much easier to be respectable and loving to them.
 
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I agree with what you said @P.dolphin. It would be easier to love them if they give us space and be less intrusive My mil isn't a bad person and im thankful for the love she gives to my daughter but she has to know the bounderies!
 
My husband ever told me his mum is just here to 'help' out and not 'take care' of our kids. In Chinese will be 帮忙 and not 照顾。 I told my husband there's a difference, help is to just assist, lend a helping hand. But take care required one to 花心思 , will have view/ comments cos effort is being made to take care. But if is it just to 'help' why made some many unnecessary comments when we discipline our kids.
 
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Actually this is one reason I would prefer to hire someone to watch my kid(s).. Yes, can save money if the kid is left with mil but there'd be no peace of mind. She will not follow my requests and it's very hard to give her instructions on how to do things for the kid plus she complains a whole effin lot. Everything difficult.. Not like her boys who were very obedient and just play with legos :mad: her boys had a nanny each! Grrrr.. Then she wonders why I never ask her to watch my child for a longer time.
 


My mil shows concern but sometimes when i tell her that we hv brought the LO for checkups and everything is ok, she doesnt believe.. As if like i will bluff her over my LO health issues.. Headache sia.. We buy new clothes for my girl she also comment "news clothes again ah".. Whats wrong with buying new clothes for my girl.. Dun tell me every occasion i must let her wear pass down clothes??
 

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