bunnymuimui
Active Member
Hi mommies who stop at #1, by choice or not, I need your help to knock some sense into me.
I have a little one almost 4yo. She's a godsend. We received the gift of her through IVF after 7 years of marriage. Now I find myself struggling with IVF and miscarriages to give her a sibling.
The recent m/c was especially tough as we lost #2 at 13 weeks. Till today, my loss still haunts me. Especially this past weekend where 4 friends/colleagues are giving birth. If my frostie had survived, I would be preparing for delivery soon. I function normally. I celebrate mother's day with both mothers with something simple and out-of the-routine dinners. I accompanied DH shopping at Robinsons' and he bought me a nice work dress. However, its a struggle to continue with a balanced emotional well being.
I looked through old photos and found some writing on the desktop. For 2 months after the m/c, I would wake up in the middle of the night and cry. One night, I wrote to ease the pain:
---
We had a little secret that we were so eagerly waiting to share. We were expecting a little one who would arrive on our tenth year wedding anniversary. Alas it was not to be. A few days shy of crossing the first trimester, the sonographer told me: "This is your baby's body, the arms and legs and head. There is where the heart would be. I am not seeing any heartbeat." And so it was, so close and yet not meant to be. For the second time in my life, those dreaded words rang in my ears. My heart ached for our baby who had already meant so much to us.
The fact was re-established with our regular doctor, whom we are thankful for his kind words and sound advice. Rationale kicked in and we scheduled a D&E the very same day. We wanted to move on. Thankfully, there was no physical discomfort.
There is the constant thought of "Was it something I ate? Was it something I said? Was it something I thought?" Rationale prevailed. If our baby wasn't fit enough to survive in the safety of a mother's womb, this was nature's way of selection.
---
Although I have my LO, something still feels empty inside of me. That gnawing guilt that I cant give her a sibling. The fear of her being alone during her darkest moments when we grow old. What can I do to make myself think otherwise, that one is enough? How do I overcome this negative feeling about this reproductively-challenged situation and cannot give her a sibling?
To the mommies who have been through this and decided to stop your pursuit for #2, how did you do it? Was it a firm commitment due to circumstances, or did you let time take its toll? Do you still cry at the loss, the gap, the guilt? Or does it hurt less over time?
To the mommies who believe #1 is good enough, do the children never ask for a sibling? What drives your conviction?
Truly seeking alternative views to ease myself of my shackled mind...
I have a little one almost 4yo. She's a godsend. We received the gift of her through IVF after 7 years of marriage. Now I find myself struggling with IVF and miscarriages to give her a sibling.
The recent m/c was especially tough as we lost #2 at 13 weeks. Till today, my loss still haunts me. Especially this past weekend where 4 friends/colleagues are giving birth. If my frostie had survived, I would be preparing for delivery soon. I function normally. I celebrate mother's day with both mothers with something simple and out-of the-routine dinners. I accompanied DH shopping at Robinsons' and he bought me a nice work dress. However, its a struggle to continue with a balanced emotional well being.
I looked through old photos and found some writing on the desktop. For 2 months after the m/c, I would wake up in the middle of the night and cry. One night, I wrote to ease the pain:
---
We had a little secret that we were so eagerly waiting to share. We were expecting a little one who would arrive on our tenth year wedding anniversary. Alas it was not to be. A few days shy of crossing the first trimester, the sonographer told me: "This is your baby's body, the arms and legs and head. There is where the heart would be. I am not seeing any heartbeat." And so it was, so close and yet not meant to be. For the second time in my life, those dreaded words rang in my ears. My heart ached for our baby who had already meant so much to us.
The fact was re-established with our regular doctor, whom we are thankful for his kind words and sound advice. Rationale kicked in and we scheduled a D&E the very same day. We wanted to move on. Thankfully, there was no physical discomfort.
There is the constant thought of "Was it something I ate? Was it something I said? Was it something I thought?" Rationale prevailed. If our baby wasn't fit enough to survive in the safety of a mother's womb, this was nature's way of selection.
---
Although I have my LO, something still feels empty inside of me. That gnawing guilt that I cant give her a sibling. The fear of her being alone during her darkest moments when we grow old. What can I do to make myself think otherwise, that one is enough? How do I overcome this negative feeling about this reproductively-challenged situation and cannot give her a sibling?
To the mommies who have been through this and decided to stop your pursuit for #2, how did you do it? Was it a firm commitment due to circumstances, or did you let time take its toll? Do you still cry at the loss, the gap, the guilt? Or does it hurt less over time?
To the mommies who believe #1 is good enough, do the children never ask for a sibling? What drives your conviction?
Truly seeking alternative views to ease myself of my shackled mind...
