Support group for wives with unfaithful husbands

Siman,

You don't tell yrself to accept the betrayal. Yr husband has to earn yr trust and u need to learn to trust him again. He needs to prove to you that he would not make the same mistake again. As for you, you still need time to get over the betrayal and he NEEDS to give you the time for as long as u need. You might go through roller coaster emotions, and he need to put in a lot of effort to reassure you.

You will accept what has happened to you when you are ready. If you are still hurt, it will not be easy to accept. So take yr time, nurse yr wounds and love yrself more. When you hv accepted, it will be easier to rebuild the marriage with yr husband together. He needs to earn yr respect and trust. You may want to go for counseling together with yr husband, to work it out. Most important, you need to stay positive to heal yr wounds. I hope the above article will help u to understand cos I hv been trying to find answers for a long time, and what the above article wrote made a lot of sense to me.
 


moorspa
Thanks for the article. I realised my acceptance depends alot on how he could confess and explained and behave and treat me after the incident. If he can totally put every thing out to me and tell me from now on how should we move forward together, I can accept. The hurt is something that will linger but it should die slowly day by day from the things he do to compenstate and he rescuing all hurt.

I dont see him doing enough and although he claimed he had. In this very tough period, if he has try his best and I cannot feel it, I doubt we can move.

Anyone contiued after the affair?

yes.. Im riding rollar coaster everyday. He can make me mad or happy over small little things.
 
Last month I found out my husband of 9 years has been cheating on me with his colleague from AIC (Agency for Integrated Care). Her name is Claire Ong Geok Hong. At first they were normal friends but she deliberately get near to him and showed no reservations shamelessly, making advances at him even though his whole company knows that he is married. Which decent girl would have done that? I deduced that she is probably too desperate that she has not gotten any boyfriend at the age of 31 (older than my husband by 1 year) thus has to resort to stealing someone else's husband. Even after I found out about the affair they made no efforts to break it off and he is out with her every night for dinner. They went to Malaysia for a fling every weekend and when I questioned him he will just said he made plans already so he cannot back up last minute. The shameless slut told him that she will wait for him to make decision and will not leave him. I have photographs of them kissing and hugging in a hotel room as the stupid bastard kept a folder which was unintentionally uncovered by me on a shared desktop.
 
The elephant in the room, which society is missing completely, is that just because you have a good marriage, does not mean you cannot be tempted by an affair.

To every betrayed spouse: YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE AFFAIR

To every unfaithful spouse: YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR AFFAIR
I am often asked when I appear on television talk shows, “Do you accept responsibility for your part in Brian’s affair?” I answer, “I didn’t have a part in Brian’s affair, and if I would’ve been given a part I would’ve voted ‘no, let’s not do it.’”

When I stand before God to give an account for my life, one question God will not be asking me is “Anne, why did you make Brian have an affair?”

I will, however, give an account for ways that I may have failed Brian in the marriage, but these things did not cause the affair. For every marriage where we discover problems where there has been an affair, I can point to other marriages with worse problems where there has not been an affair. PROBLEMS IN MARRIAGE DOES NOT LEAD TO AFFAIRS. I’m appalled that I must state the obvious, but there are actually healthy ways to deal with problems in marriage!

There are many marriages today with problems, and it is true that these marriages are more vulnerable to affairs than marriages that are happy. There are also many other factors that lead to affairs. These are the gaps. These are the things we bring forth by working in person with couples through our Healing From Affairs weekends. You can also have access to the cognitive part of this teaching and our assessment tool, which will help you determine the root causes of the affair in your marriage by listening to our Healing From Affairs DVD program.

There is no time like the present (working through the devastation of an affair) to look at what could’ve been better in the marriage, but if we label these as the causes, we’re going to be missing significant factors that led to the affair. This thinking is the reason why there are so many repeat offenders. If you don’t find the real root, it’s going to happen again. If you over simplify the answer, you’re going to make some improvements, but be missing the big picture.

Usually when the betrayed spouse asks the unfaithful spouse, “Why did you do this?” And the unfaithful spouse answers, “I don’t know.” THEY ARE TELLING THE TRUTH. THEY DON’T KNOW YET. YOU ARE GOING TO DISCOVER THIS TOGETHER.


When we worked through our Healing from Affairs journey, of course I discovered things I did wrong in the marriage. Brian discovered things he did wrong in the marriag. We uncovered many behaviors of mine that had damaged and wounded my husband. We also uncovered many behaviors of my husband that had damaged and wounded me. We both made changes and it’s been wonderful to make and experience those changes. However…
A defining moment for me came when Brian said, “Anne, I appreciate all the changes you’ve made since we’ve worked through the affair. Our marriage is so much better today, and I really value that. I’VE LEARNED, HOWEVER, THAT EVEN IF YOU’D BEEN THE PERFECT SPOUSE BEFORE MY AFFAIR, I STILL WOULD’VE HAD THE AFFAIR, BECAUSE MY AFFAIR HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, AND HAD EVERYTHING TO DO WITH MY SHORTCOMINGS AS A MAN.”

This is the elephant in the room.

If you are the betrayed spouse, and you are less than 6 months from the day of your discovery of the affair (d-day), please don’t push yourself to look at your contribution to problems in the marriage. It’s too painful. Do it when you’re ready. It’s so important that we separate marital issues from affair issues. They must remain 2 separate issues if the marriage is to be healed. If they are not kept separate, the betrayed spouse struggles for ongoing years with unhealthy obsessiveness, that goes something like this:

Am I pretty enough? Are we having enough recreational companionship? Are we having enough sex? Enough sexual 10’s? Am I being a good enough mother? (or Am I being a good enough father – if the BS is a man)? Is the house clean enough? The list is endless, and living with this list, believing it’s directly connected to the possibility of your spouse having another affair, is like living with a ball and a chain around your leg. You may as well be in prison. No one can live this way. I’m all for spouses working towards meeting each others’ needs and being conscious and intentional about their marriages. I highly recommend it, but not when we attach, “And if you get it wrong on any given day, I might have an affair.” No one gets it perfect all the time. I need permission to fail sometimes and know that my spouse will seek a healthy way of dealing with his dissatisfaction, not that my failure to get it right is going to lead to the pain of betrayal.
I hope this serves to clarify the fine line between taking responsibility for ways we may have failed our spouse VS. taking responsibility for the affair.


Again, I emphasize:

To every betrayed spouse: YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE AFFAIR

To every unfaithful spouse: YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR AFFAIR


Sincerely,
Anne Bercht
©Copyright 2011 Anne and Brian Bercht. All rights reserved.


I have to agree that one point of time I felt like I was the one who caused all these. Or rather, he force me to think that I am the one at fault; I am the one not giving him enough care and attention thus he strayed. Never at one point has he thought that he betrayed our relationship and broke our marriage vow. He could shamelessly tell me it's a phase and he might over the girl soon and come back and asked if I could wait. It is just so ridiculous. While I was overwhelmed with feelings of betrayed, self-doubt, self-blame, self-pity and crying my eyes out, he was outside having a good time with the slut. It was until my friend stepped in and analysed the whole situation and there I snapped out of it. He is just testing his limit and wanted to see how much I can tolerate.
Now, I am not blaming myself for the affair, it's the shameless slut who threw herself at him knowing that he is married and him, the married man who cheated.
 
My husband is not having an affair, but my idea is to ask him if he still loves you and then try to move out to see if he begs you to come back. After that, tell him to not commit adultery, then you'll move in. Kind of a bad idea. But I'm trying my best. Way to go, mummies!
 
My husband is not having an affair, but my idea is to ask him if he still loves you and then try to move out to see if he begs you to come back. After that, tell him to not commit adultery, then you'll move in. Kind of a bad idea. But I'm trying my best. Way to go, mummies!

Why do you need to do that? Testing him?
 
Yup. Or maybe just tell him you're leaving him to see if he still loves you.

I was betrayed by my hub before. Not once but twice. I did tried your method but apparently it does not works and he even got more chances to meet her since I'm not around anymore. And she can go over and meet him as and when she likes.

So I feel no point testing him. He will change if he wants to.
 
I was betrayed by my hub before. Not once but twice. I did tried your method but apparently it does not works and he even got more chances to meet her since I'm not around anymore. And she can go over and meet him as and when she likes.

So I feel no point testing him. He will change if he wants to.
My father always had this young girl on his mind, which made my mom unhappy. The girl seemed very nice; and came over regularly. My elder daughter never liked her, once the girl asked to sleep with my daughter, but my mom wouldn't want to accept. My father is over her now, but they spent lots of time together, like going to the coffee shop, walking around and talking about their fortunes. If you have an unfaithful husband, I don't think it's right to be with him but if you really do, tell him if he even knows he's cheating. Maybe, just maybe, he might have secrets hidden from you (hope that never happens)!
 
Hi, I'm joining this thread for support.

To the ladies who engaged PI, what did u do with the results? Confront?
 
Ladies (myself inclusive), take a step back and ponder... suppose....

suppose we are such a wife to our hubby:-

1) We take care of household chores
2) We give our children good upbringing
3) We maintain our wardrobe according to our hubby's fancies (eg. what colored bras, what type of short skirts, etc etc)
4) We give in to his every sexual fantasy (swallow cum, piss play, whatever crap)
5) We dun take a single cent from him
6) We dun nag at him
7) .... you get the gist of it

Suppose we can do all that, do you think the bloody guy will fool around outside?

Come on... in life, we are all guilty of "imperfections".
We under declare our income
We over claim our tax reliefs
We 'geng' MC
We take super long leave during peak periods / school holidays
We 'siam' our in-laws
We gossip
We cursed and sweared the lady who did not throw her pad properly.
We 'hiam' our hubby for cumming to soon
everything...

and then we breakdown when our hubby cheats.....
seriously?
 
what i am implying is, we are imperfect, so are our hubby....

come on, gals, for example, suppose we give in to his EVERY sexually fantasy... do you seriously think he will still fool around outside?
he cant wait to get home everyday, put the kids to bed and then obtain action from us, i tell you.. wanna bet?

say for example, today I WhatsApp my hubby, with a photo of my innocent-looking face:- "dear ah, lets try your fantasy of pissing on me tonight, k?"
he will cant wait to rush home.... SYT? ONS? he will cancel all "ECAs"....
 
Last edited:
Understand..

But it should work both ways... Man have their sexual needs, Woman also have our emotional needs..
 
yeah... i know where you are coming from...
but well, we cant have our cake and also eat it, right?

either we become a sex-object or we risk losing to those SYTs...
no boobs can defy gravity once they breastfeed... its how we make them look sexy and perky again that counts...
 
what i am implying is, we are imperfect, so are our hubby....

come on, gals, for example, suppose we give in to his EVERY sexually fantasy... do you seriously think he will still fool around outside?
he cant wait to get home everyday, put the kids to bed and then obtain action from us, i tell you.. wanna bet?

say for example, today I WhatsApp my hubby, with a photo of my innocent-looking face:- "dear ah, lets try your fantasy of pissing on me tonight, k?"
he will cant wait to rush home.... SYT? ONS? he will cancel all "ECAs"....
Hmm. I disagree. Cos it's not about the wife fulfilling his sexual needs and the points you gave in the earlier post.

Many times it's about the thrill of having someone else, the ego being fed that there's another person who's interested, and bottom line is can't resist temptation especially if the other party initiates.
 
after all, objectively speaking, theres no ugly woman. only lazy woman....

for example, while missionary style, instead of just lying there, we can push our boobs together...
another example, say we enter the bathroom while hubby is peeing... instead of backing off, we can volunteer to hold his dick while he pees.. just wash off afterwards lah, no biggie deal, right?

we must not stop trying... that is my message...
 
cant resist temptation, you say?

then we be THE temptation!

how about gargle his cum in our mouths? that will be tempting enough for him to wanna us try again and again and again...
too yucky you say?
fine.
go braless and go downstairs buy grocery together. that will be exciting for him...

not brave enough to try that, i hear?

okay....

while eating potato chips, get him to cum inside the bag of chips!
pretend to eat the "cum-soaked chips". actually, try ur best to avoid taking up a piece of cum-soaked chip...
harmless, right? yet exciting
 
Plan B then... cool down period. ... unless still childless. . Then separate. .. dick's head outside still ok. Heart outside is gone case. .. just wear our ah-ma bras and panties at home then. ..
 
Plan B then... cool down period. ... unless still childless. . Then separate. .. dick's head outside still ok. Heart outside is gone case. .. just wear our ah-ma bras and panties at home then. ..
Ya. True.. once they put in feeling outside really gone case.. but if u have children u just have to win his heart back asap. Dont let him go deeper outside as in the feeling..
 
its just a term... a theory... its all in the mind...

used to believe in it when i was young.. but as time goes by, i realized it is only a theory like you said..

It's utopia.. an imaginary place or state... Then how to find hiaz.. doesn't exist ma.. LOL..
 
why demand true love? do we deserve true love?

we cut corners on so many aspects of life, and we have the cheek to demand true love???
 
why demand true love? do we deserve true love?

we cut corners on so many aspects of life, and we have the cheek to demand true love???

haha.. but you said Maybe thats the signal to find true love elsewhere ma...

So i thought you are someone who believes in true love.. hahaha.. sorry.. misread your post.. :p
 
its a dilemna...

are we a perfect citizen? no.. we overclaim tax reliefs, under declare income, when our hubby needs to go for reservist, we nag or tell him to 'geng' dun go...
are we a perfect worker? no.. we 'geng' MC, we 'chop' annual leave on school holidays, we constantly keep a lookout for better jobs elsewhere...we take more than 1 hour lunches...
are we a perfect DIL? no.. we 'siam' the in-laws, we gossip, we emo towards them, we nag when going to the in-laws place
are we a perfect child to our parents? no.. we side with our hubby, we love our children more than we love our parents...
are we a perfect wife? no... we take hubby for granted....

and then we act all virgin and innocent and demand true love, demand perfect love....
come on ladies...give life a break. theres a reason for eveything in this world... we all know why we cut corners for all/some of the examples I listed above... similarly, hubby will also have his reason for fooling around outside... self-reflect
enough said....
 
Last edited:
not easy.
1 minute we think we can manage.
but the minute we saw it before our eyes, the world come crumbling down once more.

Agree it's not easy. It's easy to say that we will be strong, at least for the moment.. It's really hard to maintain and continue to be strong...:(
 
all in all, its all in the mind... dun expect too much, the higher our expectations, the harder it will be for our hubby to meet...
i mean, come on, do we want our hubby to expect us to have perky boobs and HSD when we at our 40s? do we want our hubby to expect us to swallow every drop of his oh-so-precious-and-yummy semen every single time?
 
all in all, its all in the mind... dun expect too much, the higher our expectations, the harder it will be for our hubby to meet...
i mean, come on, do we want our hubby to expect us to have perky boobs and HSD when we at our 40s? do we want our hubby to expect us to swallow every drop of his oh-so-precious-and-yummy semen every single time?

hahaha... thought female SD continue to increase past 40s? it' the guy (for most i guess) to dwindle off? with SD no longer there doesn't matter if perky boobs or not right? LOL...:rolleyes:
 
Hi ladies, need some advice.. Recently, I found out that my hub has been cheating on me and when I think back, i come to realise how he behaved differently, tries to pick up fights with me more often and not interested in sex. How silly of me to trust and not pick up all these signs!

He has since come clean with me and has sworn that he will no longer contact the other woman, will never ever cheat and will report his whereabouts to me often so I have peace of mind. He wanted me to forgive him and give him time to prove that he has turned over a new leaf, for the sake of our kids. But I am constantly disturbed and find myself wondering and suspecting him whenever he is away at work or not replying my SMS. Obviously the trust is gone. Part of me want to forgive and forget but whenever I see him I think of how he cheated and I get upset all over again. I'm not sure if time will ever make me forget that he did this to hurt me so deeply or if he will ever repeat the cheating/if he is still cheating with the other woman and I am here, naive and gullible thinking he might have really changed.

I want to so much run away but I cannot, for the sake of my kids. Should I give him another chance to amend our marriage? I'm so upset and confused.
 
Dear Greent3a90,

I would say, do you still need this man? For anything... monetary, sexually, emotionally, anything... majority wins...
if you simply dun need this man... point him the EXIT

If you are charming/capable enough to find a better (step)father for the kids, go ahead... dun let this bastard stop you... remember... we dun get younger every day, yah...
our boobs sag, no matter how big (or small); our V loosens, no matter what was our method of delivery.. our thighs thickens, etc etc... so, if a new man says he likes you... we need salt here...

HOWEVER, if you dun have confidence in your charm/career/capability, then please stick with him and make him pay, literally...
make him your sex slave, get as much $$ from him as possible, delegate household chores to him.. embarress him in front of his frens/family, anything and everything, just make him pay...

Once we are at such a stage in life, we should stop expecting true love and fairy tales endings... be practical... make the correct decision for your life and for your kids..

they need a father? fine, stick with the bastard.
you need monetary support? fine, stick with the bastard.
you need a cock and tongue ? fine, stick with the bastard.
you need in-laws to care for kids while you go holiday? fine, stick with the bastard.
you need someone to hug? just hug your kids..
you need to release your sexual tensions? just push his head down and keep it there...
you need $$ to buy a new Praaaada wallet? f**k, just take his card and swipe..
you need someone to talk to? shit, just come to this forum...
You need someone to accompany you to go PTC? just go alone and take the chance to bio other handsome fathers!

you getting my drift?
 
Last edited:
Hi ladies, need some advice.. Recently, I found out that my hub has been cheating on me and when I think back, i come to realise how he behaved differently, tries to pick up fights with me more often and not interested in sex. How silly of me to trust and not pick up all these signs!

He has since come clean with me and has sworn that he will no longer contact the other woman, will never ever cheat and will report his whereabouts to me often so I have peace of mind. He wanted me to forgive him and give him time to prove that he has turned over a new leaf, for the sake of our kids. But I am constantly disturbed and find myself wondering and suspecting him whenever he is away at work or not replying my SMS. Obviously the trust is gone. Part of me want to forgive and forget but whenever I see him I think of how he cheated and I get upset all over again. I'm not sure if time will ever make me forget that he did this to hurt me so deeply or if he will ever repeat the cheating/if he is still cheating with the other woman and I am here, naive and gullible thinking he might have really changed.

I want to so much run away but I cannot, for the sake of my kids. Should I give him another chance to amend our marriage? I'm so upset and confused.

I think your last para already indicated that u cannot leave him for the sake of your kids. Follow your heart. U best know which way works best for u. Learn to forgive but still keep a close lookout for the signs. If forgive, remember to impress upon him that this is the last chance and if he change for better, don't bring out this issue when quarrel. Sometimes, it is the words that kill, sending the man to seek comfort at 'other places' as they can't find peace and joy at home. Wish u happiness and may u make peace with your decision. Hugs.
 
Deprived, please refrain from asking such personal questions. We are here to give opinions and advice. Noted that you are a gentleman and the nature of your comments/posts have the tendency to side towards a personal nature. If we wanna share, we will. If not, let it be. So what if you have knowlegde of my bedroom matters? Primed to take advantage?

If you are in this forum to seek a plaything/ONS/FWB/FB, good luck to you. I am not a successful lady, relatively speaking, just a normal program manager at one of the education institutions here. If I am a high-flier, probably I will not have the time to pay regular and frequent visits to forums. Believe the same applies to the male gender. Implied. If you are a successful man, high flying, frequent business trips, conference trips, well... you know what I am about to imply. So conversely, if you are not, the chances of charming women are at a premium..

Fellow mummies in this forum congregate to share and advise. Gentlemen are welcomed to participate but should not be in the mindset of sieving for "hurt" mummies to take advantage of
 
Last edited:
Deprived, please refrain from asking such personal questions. We are here to give opinions and advise. Noted that you are a gentleman and the nature of your comments/posts have the tendency to side towards a personal nature. If we wanna share, we will. If not, let it be. So what if you have knowlegde of my bedroom matters? Primed to take advantage?

If you are in this forum to seek a plaything/ONS, good luck to you. I am not a successful lady, relatively speaking, just a normal program manager at one of the education institutions here. If I am a high-flier, probably I will not have the time to pay regular and frequent visits to forums. Believe the same applies to the male gender. Implied. If you are a successful man, high flying, frequent business trips, conference trips, well... you know what I am about to imply. So conversely, if you are not, the chances of charming women are at a premium..

Fellow mummies in this forum congregate to share and advise. Gentlemen are welcomed to participate but should not be in the mindset of sieving for "hurt" mummies to take advantage of


Thanks for the reminder.
Sorry was just too playfully overboard. Post deleted.
 
Anyway wives here are like me..can't sleep well at night and looking for people to talk? Can pm me? I hope to open up my circle of friends so as to distract myself from always thinking abt my husband and his mistress..any ladies here organising ladies time out?
 


Back
Top