I feel so upset about all his lies

Losthope27

New Member
Hi mummies,
Anyone have been thru feeling so helpless and feel like get up this relationship.
I'm a mother of 2 boys, age of 2 and 1. We been married for about 5 years and together for about 8 years

It's all started we everyday quarrel over money and kids. My hubby didnt spent alot of his time with kids. He is quite fat so he wish to go for execrise. So I let him do what he want. And he started playing badminton with his colleagues. All along he told me, he is play with 2 male colleague. And play after work. I'm fine with that. Suddenly as time goes, he even started to use weekend to play. I always give him black face to show him i'm unhappy and just wish he could spent his weekend with kids. I always will bring my boys over to my mum place to stay, almost every weekend. As time goes.... our quarrel is getting bad to worse. He started to feel i'm so naggy, he even told me that dun make him feel that working in office is better than coming home. I didn't realise until we had a very bad quarrel just over a housework.

We started to have cold war for 2 days until I cannot tahan, I took his hp and happen to saw him chatting with this female colleague. I feel so upset because during our quarrel, he even can fetch her to work and even meeting her for dinner alone, he even can pour out his feeling about our relationship to her. He even sometime msg her when i'm asleep or chat with her when i'm not at home. I told him, i feel so upset and disappointed. He told me, he is sorry. I forgive him but i just cant forget because he broke my trust.

The next day, I think back. I ask him, (that day before we have a big quarrel, he meet his colleague for badminton) 'that day u play badminton only with 2 male colleague and he say yes. But i show him the msg that he send to her that he is at her house downstair to pick up for badminton. And he can ans me "oh she also got join". And i jsut breakdown, Why do he wan to lie and hide her'. he told me he just dun wan me to misundstood. I feel that is a excuse. I forgive him again. I just cant forget because he lie to me too many time. I also feel so stupid to dig all his lies. I even tried asking him a few time that i would like to go and take a look or join, he will start to make a big fuss by saying me not trusting him and he dun like to being moniter whatever he go and do. So I decided to ask him to stop play badmintion with his colleague and go excerise with me instead. He told me he will accompany me but he will not give up playing with his colleague. I just dont understand why. So now i stop asking him about this all. The last time we quarrel again because I save that female colleague at my contact and he found out. He got so angry over it. I say u can get so angry because of that girl and he keep insist that he is not angry because that girl is because I dont trust him. And i move out of the house to my mum place. After 2 days, I went back and wanted to have a good talk but he just dont want to talk, keep saying he want to cool down after this all happen. I even move the 1st move by hugging him but he just dun bother. Look like I'm in fault instead of him.

I feel like giving up this relationship, i feel that he dun cherish this relationship anymore. I even cry and he can just sleep. My heart is really very hurt. I just dont understand why do he need more time to cool down. Now my heart is dead. But i just don't wish to let go because of kids and i still love him. I just long for his love and care. i just wish we can go back to use we used to be. Now we didn't msg or call each other. I really wish i have the courage to let go this relationship. For the past 3 weeks.. I have been no appetite to eat, no mood to work, I'm just feel so unhappy. Anyone able to advise me what should i do?
 


Sorry u have to go through all these.. but since hr apologised. Forgive him? Yes.. he should spend time with the kids and he didn't. He is at fault. U saved the contact of his female friend and u r at fault. . Cos surely one day u gonna pick up all the frustration and vent it on that woman. They didn't have an affair.. u made them have de if u keep on pushing him away.

Trust gonna be built back not wash away instantly. Hubby gonna change and u gonna try trust him again to make this marriage works.

If a couple in stressed relationship. . Nobody likes to be touched. Have a good talk.with him and start all over again.. hugs
 
Every men method of destressing is different. Give him a chance to chance n show him u truely do trust him. Dont keep trying to force him to speak heart to heart, it wont work. Men dun believe in 'feelings' or emotions, they wont buy the tears tat u shed. Calm down n dun tink of the negativity.
He has a gd side tats why u love him, have his kids. Dun think of leaving this r/s jus because of trust, n its not proven tat he betray u, thou he did lie bout who playing tgt n stuff. Take small steps at a time, show him u r there to ssupport him, show him his kids needs him, engage some family bonding activity even 30mins or so once a week if time is tight.

Of cos he is defensive wen meeting his colleagues, he too doesnt wan to let u know as thou u are intruding his privacy n time with friends. Even for me working with my hubby, knowing him for 8 yrs, i admit i duno 100% of him, and vice versa. Always look on the bright side, and be strong for ur kids..they need u more than anything in the world.
Update us and hope everything will be better for u :) *hugs*
 
男人就是这样,你在他身边他是不会珍惜,也不疼惜,就是喜欢等到女人心灰意冷又来纠缠。
你如果还是爱他,那你只好选择原谅,选择继续走下去,不去计较任何不公平对待。我知道你为何会如此痛苦,就是“不甘心”为什么自己付出这么多在家庭,在老公,可是换来的就是他的不坦白,欺骗,可是有时候,如果男人真的要出轨,我们又能如何。

孩子还小,了解需要美满家庭,现在就是你自己必须想仔细,考虑,分析是否要继续给老公机会,继续等待他反省回到自己身边,还是觉得没有办法再在一起。

我们在此祝福你!
 
After being together with my hubby for years now, I kind of know how his temperament is like. For eg, my hubby doesn't like to be "pushed to a corner" so I know I cannot be too strong headed about some matters and just let it go. After a while, he will think back himself and realize he might have come off too strongly or that the argument/quarrel was too silly to have it affect our marriage. Likewise in your case, after being with your hubby for 8 years, do you think there might be misunderstanding? Maybe he is stressed at work and it seems as though you're pushing him too much?

It's always good to have your own personal space after getting married. Like your own circle of friends and his own circle of friends. Take this as a good time to calm down on both sides then talk to him nicely about it after that. If you still love him and want to carry on with the relationship then forgive him I guess if he is true to his words. :)

Sorry fellow mummy I don't mean this in a bad way but sometimes it might be good to let some matters rest awhile coz when people are angry, they tend to not think before they act. Hope this matter rest and your relationship doesn't get affected...

Stay positive and strong! :)
 
Hi Lpsthope27

As much as I agree with the mummies..I also can sense ur stress n frustration ...don't quit ... There r many many ways ur hubby can spent time with the family... Just take it slowly n dun dictate him

Calm down n try spent 'personal one to one' time without kids with him...remember ur days b4 the kids arrived...keep that alive.

If the hurt is too much, dun force yourself, go counselling. I know is expensive.. But some church hv free professional ...really professional counselors n is free ..pm me if u need..also n social services centres hv counselling services also
 
Hi Losthope, I know how you feel. I experienced this situation many times. My hb always lie to me by omission. He will tell me he is meeting his colleagues for dinner and then he will tell me a few male colleagues names but he will always omit the female colleagues names. I will find out eventually through FB when pple tag him and when I question him, he will just say "Oh ya, XX & YY was there too". But what I don't understand is, why lie in the first place unless you have sth to hide?

And as usual, he said what your hb said too. That he scared I misunderstood. I just don't understand what is going on in their minds?

There is another occasion I happen to see a reply on his Watsapp. A female fren message him and it's very obvious it's a reply to a question but when I asked. He said she message him first but did he think I am stupid? When it's obviously a REPLY. So I dig further and he admitted deleting the message which he sent to her. After reading the reply, I felt it was nothing much so I decided not to pursue further but I really don't understand again what is there to hide??!

I admit I easily jump to conclusion but doesn't this mean he should do more to allay my fears?

There was another time he said he was staying late for work so I had dinner at home and kept some food for him but when he came home, he din eat much. Normally, he would eat a lot as he was hungry after work. Anyway he went to shower so I took his pants to put in the wash for him and as I was checking his pocket, I found a receipt for dinner! Can you imagine how furious I feel?? I confronted him and he said he was working with 2 female colleagues and he decided to treat them as they had to stay late because of him. And once again I was like "WHY U DUN TELL ME?" I was very angry and again he said he scared I will be angry. Stupid right??

Anyway I look at the receipt closely and it's for 3 main courses so he really did eat with 2 other people. But I was still very angry.

Sorry to ramble on, but Losthope - You may have to prepare yourself for further anguish. I don't think your husband will cheat on you but I have no idea why he is like this and as what some other ladies mentioned, maybe he just need his freedom and we have to close one eye.
 
Sorry ladies. All these sound very familiar. . Ur hubbies obviously lying and oso scared u all misunderstand. But seriously. .. i believe there's more to all these. Why delete the msg if its innocent and about work? With doubts. . Not easy to last.. juz hanging on.. always suspicious.. really no point.
 
True I agree doubts will play havoc in ur relationship.. So may getting a job n get ur mind occupied instead of looking over ur shoulders so often may help ease the tension...especially if he see u r as capable as him n u hv meals with male colleagues as well. Not getting back, just put things in perspective...
God bless
 
While it is always good to have advice. Too much will blur your vision and perspective. Take a step back, cool off, think of what you really want in life, and move off from there. Don't make the choice that you will regret, be it leaving or hanging on. End of the day, you will be responsible for yourself, not any of us.

Think it through.
 
I have been working all along and I do have lunch with my male colleagues and chat with them as well. I will also tell my hb about their lives etc. In fact, he's ok with me having male frens. He doesn't get angry or anything. But that's also cos I don't hide anything from him and even if I hide, he is also too 'lazy' or can't be bothered to check on me. Even when he sees someone watsapp me, he also seldom ask "Who is it?". Is this normal? Are men naturally more bo chap? And are ladies generally more sensitive?
 
hi losthope27. the first thing i noted from your post is that your children are very young. secondly your hubby hasnt yet committed adultery as far as u know. he is just constantly telling lies so that he can live the life he wants to have. thirdly u have tried reconciliation n made the step to talk things out but he seems to think that he has every right to be deceitful by the fact he has not expressed any desire to work on both of your marriage.

what would i do if i m in your shoes?
i will be thinking about how i will cope w looking after 2 children on my own. because that is a possibility that this marriage isn't gg work out. i will think about how i m gg to manage the finances n also where i can seek help in terms of caregiving etc when i go out to work.
i will channel all my energy into spending time w my children because nothing is gg to stop me from enjoying my children's development. and i owe it to them that at least there will be ONE parent who wants to spend time w them. i will let my husband cool down as long as he needs and i will not bother him.
i will try to create occasions for positive bonding betw father n children even if it doesnt involve me because it will be beneficial for the boys in the long run.
i will not compromise on my values in honesty n faithfulness in my marriage. but i would want very much to work it out w my hubby on the above areas to save the marriage. so i will just adopt a wait n see approach
 
Hi Mummies, now everything is fine. But somehow i just think i need more time to gain the trust. Seriously say, I did snap a few photo of his msg with his female colleague and I did show it to a few of my close friend. They told me that they feel he is just flirting. That is how i think and feel when I took his hp and read the msg. Actually I did read he msg another Vietnam lady. She ask him if he is married because he told her , he is staying alone. And he reply her, Not married. I immediately broke down and cry and whole body is shaking. Why do he want to say this way.

Until now i didnt delete the all the photo and keep it. What i feel now is he don't really care for me as how he used to, I have a strong feeling that he have change to another person. I just feel that is a knot in our rs. I did sit down and talk to him but he just keep saying there is no problem is our rs. Maybe i'm just think too much. I just tell myself, I will keep quiet and see how it goes. Hope time will heal my wound.

Even though there is nothing between both of them. But I think back if that day I did not check his hp, maybe they will move on to the next step.
 
Hi Mummies, now everything is fine. But somehow i just think i need more time to gain the trust. Seriously say, I did snap a few photo of his msg with his female colleague and I did show it to a few of my close friend. They told me that they feel he is just flirting. That is how i think and feel when I took his hp and read the msg. Actually I did read he msg another Vietnam lady. She ask him if he is married because he told her , he is staying alone. And he reply her, Not married. I immediately broke down and cry and whole body is shaking. Why do he want to say this way.

Until now i didnt delete the all the photo and keep it. What i feel now is he don't really care for me as how he used to, I have a strong feeling that he have change to another person. I just feel that is a knot in our rs. I did sit down and talk to him but he just keep saying there is no problem is our rs. Maybe i'm just think too much. I just tell myself, I will keep quiet and see how it goes. Hope time will heal my wound.

Even though there is nothing between both of them. But I think back if that day I did not check his hp, maybe they will move on to the next step.
Dear Losthope27, I understand ur despair now and I am probably not in any right position to advise as only urself will understand fully what u r gg through. Whatever is ur decision, believe that u have the faith to work things out and if things doesn't, at the end of the day u know u have tried ur best. You may be at ur most vulnerable now and I know it's hard not to be emotional coz we are all women. However, I would like to share that men who are of a different breed really doesn't appreciate weakness or vulnerability from us, in fact to most, we are the most attractive when we are confident and calm. Sometimes when I feel jealous about my hubby sending or fetching business associates, or having meals with them I will still remind myself don't show it to him as this could be part and parcel of work and social interaction. If I show my negative side, I lose the battle right from the start and at times things may be self-fulfilling. Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones, I do feel super low self esteem or unattractive now but I won't show it to him too, if I go out with him now I will still doll up and I kept reminding myself I will get back in shape or even better after delivery. Not to please anyone but myself. Remember to keep ur cool no matter what and show to him u can take control of ur emotions and situation. Do things that will make urself happy, pamper urself if u can. :)
 
I feel that there is only so much we can tahan. Why would he say he's not married? You mean this doesn't ring any alarm bells? Obviously trying to play a fool while still being married?

I was also innocent that time, thinking that all these are just flirting and nothing to be concerned.. want to give 2nd chance and close one eye.. but like you, when I saw those messages, my whole body shook and I became cold. It's like the person we once loved, has disappeared. And since you have kept the snapshots of the evidence, you will keep looking and looking.. and thinking.. this won't stop.. and unless you have very good self control, you will explode soon. I suggest if you want to continue in the rship, just delete and forget about it.
 
I think you should reallly delete the photos...they will only serve as a painful memory....

after that, then you can 'really' move on and try to keep this marriage alive whether it is for urself or your kids. hope this helps ya!
 

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