Devastated wife

S

Sad_angie

New Member
Hi fellow forummers,

I know there are similar threads to this but I have no mood to search for those and post there.

Just want to pour out my sorrows here.

I have been happily and "blissfully" (what an irony it is!) married for 6 years. I thought, and all my friends and relatives thought, that I was a blessed woman with a loving husband who is also a doting father to our 2 kids and filial son to his own parents. I thought I was a lucky woman to have married such a "good" man. Even my late parents felt they could entrust me to this good man. My late mum had cancer and she died thinking she had a good son-in-law. I think if she knew what had happened, she would be jumping in her grave now.

I have always known, before marriage, that my husband has a high sexual drive. And i know he surfs porn websites. After marriage, I even watch porn with him. I mean, if they enhance our own sex life as a couple, why not?

However, just a few days ago, I discovered that since 2013, my so-called "good-to-be-true" husband has been unfaithful to me. Physically. He had sex with a lady whom he said he met on a social networking site. And what's disgusting was that he even took videos of them having sex! That slut, who is a divorcee, even gave him oral sex. Whatever they did in the videos, my husband made me do it too but I know I don't have a high sex drive compared to him and I must admit, I could not satisfy him all the time. But WHY??? WHY??? WHY DID HE HAVE TO BETRAY ME? HE TOTALLY ABUSED MY TRUST IN HIM! AND HE HAS BEEN DOING IT SINCE 2013!!!!! It hurts me deeply to know that he has been doing this for almost 2 years, and all along I didn't suspect him because like what I had mentioned, he's known to be a filial son, a doting father and loving wife. Even if I don't believe, his close friends whom he has known for 2 decades and his own relatives who have seen him grow up, could vouch for that. I think if I were to tell everyone what my husband had done, nobody would believe. It's just very shocking.

I confronted him yesterday. He promised not to see that slut anymore, he claimed that he doesn't love her - they met up to satisfy each other's sexual needs. He said the slut was a willing party - there was no money involved, until one day she encountered financial problems and from then he gave her some money. He also deleted the slut's number from his hp immediately but before he did that, on my request, he messaged her and told her that I have found out about their flings, and they should not be in touch anymore. She replied and promised that she would not contact my husband anymore.

For my 3 kids (i am currently expecting the 3rd one), I chose to forgive him but i WILL NEVER FORGET THIS. OR MAYBE I SHOULD SAY, I FORGAVE HIM ON THE SURFACE BUT DEEP IN MY HEART, I WILL NEVER FORGIVE HIM. Now, i am wondering if i should go for a blood test to test for HIV. Although i think it's compulsory for all expectant women to be tested for HIV during the first trimester, right? Correct me if I am wrong.

You know, i am so devastated that I feel like doing the same thing as a revenge - find a man and have sex with him.

Sigh....still in utter shock and disbelief.

Please tell me what to do.......i need consolation. Don't wish to tell any of my relatives or friends.
 


I know many mummies here would advise you to stay with your husband for the sake of your three children, particularly since he has already promised not to see the other woman again. However, a leopard will never change its spots. If he is severely addicted to sex, it will not be possible for him to quit it. No matter how much sex you give him, it is just not enough. The guy will never reject sexual temptations if he is addicted to it. The infidelity happens once, it will most likely happen again. Think about it, you were only 4 years into the marriage when he started to take a sexual interest in another woman. Do you think 14 years down the road, 24 years down the road, when you are no longer physically attractive, he would not stray again?

Ask yourself, for the "sake" of your three children, are you willing to just ignore him and allow him to continue committing future "mistakes" as long as he remains a good father to the kids and comes home to the family everyday? If you are, good. There are some women who can tolerate their husbands having other women or even other wives. There's nothing wrong with them choosing to live with it. It's just a personal choice.

For me, I would not tolerate any infidelity, and this is something which I told my hubby straight in the face before we even started dating. Any infidelity = divorce immediately with no 2nd chance. I have also been reminding him subtly that due to the Women's Charter, I will most likely be awarded custody of the kid (whom he loves a lot) should there be a divorce.
 
Do not rush to make any decisions. Meanwhile keep the video. It will come into very good use in fighting the assets and custody of the kids.
 
Sad_angie
Whichever decision or method you want to take, always do take a step back and give a deep thought about it. At this stage, you are devastated, lost, anger, whatever emotions will just surface. It will take time for you to get control of your thoughts. Once your thoughts is in control, you will be able to straighten your thinking and know what to do next.
Just do take care of yourselves n your children at this point of time.
No one is in position to advise you what to do next. It's your heart that you need to listen to.
 
Thou I have yet to encounter infidelity, I would like to share my views. It is easy to say that one wld not tolerate any infidelity and wld opt for divorce immediately if it were to happen. I used to think the same way too until I have kids. Now with 2 kids, I would say I will thread this carefully. The hurt will be terrible and cld be 生不如死. But a mother's love towards the kids, placing them as the highest priority will overcome it. Go for counselling, it will help u. Time will heal the pain. Since you have decided to give him another chance, just go with the flow.
 
@Sad_angie,

U mentioned ur hubby is a good man, a good father and a good hubby...i just wondering how he can find time to go out and have affair with that women?....
 
Thanks for all your replies. Really appreciate it.

Yes, I know a leopard will never change its spots. So next time if I suspect him, I will go ahead to get a PI to track his movements. I will not tolerate it if he does it a 2nd time. I will expose his deeds even if it means exposing my encounter to my friends and relatives. I will also get a divorce. That's why I have saved the videos myself, as evidence.

How did he find time to make out with that slut?
Looking at the dates of the videos, he went to find her after work most of the time. Due to job requirements, he can knock off around 2 - 3pm sometimes and he can simply find excuses like last minute tasks at work to "fool" me. There was, however, 1 occasion when he went to get a medical checkup and he smsed me to say the nurses screwed up his x - rays so he was waiting for them to settle. Turned out he was with the slut.

All these really made my blood boil. Throughout these years we were married, I have told him before that he should belong to me only. He just smiled and said of course. And I believed him because as I said, he has been a good man.

I just hope he won't do it again. If he does,and I get to know, I will do what I have mentioned earlier. If he does, but I do not know no matter how I track him, then he's lucky.

I think it would be easier to make a decision if we have no kids. Sigh.
 
@Sad_angie, yeah u r right, it would b better if no child....but now situation cannot reverse and u r pregnant with 3rd bb, u hv to take gd care of urself, especially ur emotion....dun let it affect d bb....
 
@Tiffanytei , thanks for your advice. I don't wish for anything bad to happen to my 3rd kid, so yeah, i will take care of myself for this baby's sake. But i think it will really take me very long to heal this wound. Or maybe, it wont be healed. I have always wanted 4 kids but no, it's not going to happen now, cause i can't bring myself to make love with him from now on.
 
Just a question. I have been pondering over this - should i tell his parents? Looking at his parents' character, i am sure they will side me. After all, what he had done will hurt their feelings too, as parents.
 
@Sad_angie, yes now everything u do is for the sake of ur 3 kids....can understand it is very difficult to forgive his infidelity..but times will heal ur wound if he really meant he will stop seeing the other woman....for things to improve, i think honest and open communication is very impt...talk to him ur feeling n both of u hv to think of d children emotion, it is very pity for kids grow up with divorced parents....
for me, i definitely will inform his parents...let him feel guilty of hurting his parents feelings...
 
You mentioned that you can't bring yourself to have sex with him from now onwards. You do know that he has a high sex drive. If you don't allow him to have sex with you (and yet you intend to keep him as your husband), wouldn't that just drive him to look for sexual partners elsewhere?
 
Tiffanytei said:
@Sad_angie, yes now everything u do is for the sake of ur 3 kids....can understand it is very difficult to forgive his infidelity..but times will heal ur wound if he really meant he will stop seeing the other woman....for things to improve, i think honest and open communication is very impt...talk to him ur feeling n both of u hv to think of d children emotion, it is very pity for kids grow up with divorced parents....
for me, i definitely will inform his parents...let him feel guilty of hurting his parents feelings...
Click to expand...

Thanks. I think if i can bring myself to say it, i will just tell my MIL. FIL is a rash and loud person - telling him will lead to negative consequences, i feel.

@meowie323 , i have thought of this too. That's why i am in a dilemma with regards to this! But since i am currently expecting, obviously i cant satisfy his needs now. Maybe it's a good time to test him? See how.
 
So sorry to hear. I would be devastated too, just putting myself in your shoes I will forgive him but will be very very cautious about his whereabouts. Hope you will get over this soon. It is only human to err.
 
I have been through husband being unfaithful, after his 1st affair, we got back together...however, after 3 years this thing keeps coming back to my mind....till I am suspicious of his where about....I cannot treat it as nothing has happen...it got bad....he felt I did not trust him but there was no assurance from him...so he wants a divorce...
 
Not encouraging you to divorce and we cannot advise you to divorce or not... its really up to how u feel.. if u wanna get back together with him or not.
I used to think how the children after divorce...but I realised that if we are still together and we are always quarrelling because of the unfaithful thing he did, the children will also be affected. Both ways divorce or stay together and quarrel will affect the children. its really up to you if whether you can forget the past and carry on with him...

For me, I realised that affair 3 years ago, I still could not forget....

I am currently in my 37 week of pregnancy and he dropped the divorce bomb on me when I was in my 1st trimester...see how heartless he is...due to sudden hormonal changes, I was so so sad and depress....but now I accept the fact and its time to move on with my 2 kids...
 
Sad Angie... Keep those videos safety cos u nv know when u need it.

Telling his parents us like shaming him n a man' s ego is very big...hv bn there... All hell broke loose for me.

Just to let u know, though I pray u nv go through this path...women's charter dictates that if adultery is file within 6mths..he hv to bear all charges ( provided u hv solid proof like u hv nw..rare!)..If after 6mths, nothing is done, in court's view both party had resolved difference n ur evidence is nullified.

I hv bn telling everyone porn is a slow poison but nobody believes...sigh

May I suggests get a written commitment from hubby (Signed) so he knows not to cross that line again... But...I hv to know, porn n adultery is difficult to break n a lot of cheap n easy services these days also...u can't baby sit 24x7 ... So beware..

Dun think too much otherwise this negative energy will eat you n your marriage....I know is easier said than done....but you hv to try not replay n replay in your mind.

God bless
 
Hi Sad_Angie

I can fully understand how you felt. I recently encountered something similar to you too. Husband of 10 years has been cheating on me and visiting prostitutes. He is the biggest liar and two-faced man who is my husband for the past 10 years. And the stupidest thing is, I never suspected him. Anyone who sees him would never thought he is such a person and having a double life. After much investigations and drilling, then he admitted that he actually visited prostitutes even before he knew me. He had been visiting them even before I was pregnant and while I was pregnant and even after our child was born. Had I not discovered about this, he would continue to be happily having fun with them, dating hookers out while enjoying his family life. What a well thought out plan.

I am heart broken and traumatized beyond words. Deep inside me, I know we can ever be the same anymore. My gut feel already tells me what I needed to do but I am still holding back and give him a chance. I know I just need some more time to cool down and think thoroughly if this is what I wanted and the right way to go before making any further decision.

I am in no position to console you cos I am barely keeping myself afloat too. But I hope to give you some support and consolation that you are not alone in this. You need help definitely to go through this. Talk to the person who you believe the most, you cannot keep all these by yourself, you will go crazy. For my case, I told my mom cos I can't bear with the pain. I consulted psychiatrist cos I was traumatized, and it really helps. At least I found some directions on what I needed to do. I told my MIL too. I felt that his family needs to know, he cannot continue to lead this double life, putting a false front to everyone that he is a good husband, father and son. Don't degrade yourself like what he did to himself. You did no wrong in the first place. Don't give him a chance to accuse you.

That’s all from me.

Take Care
 
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Hi Sad_Angie,

After this incident I suppose ur trust in him is gone.. surely it will take a very long time to healed or maybe never.

My dad used to be like this, and my mom tolerated all these and continued the marriage cos we were still young and she doesnt want to affect us. It was until only recently that my siblings and I had all grown up that they decided to go their separate ways and live their own life. I can see that my mom is happier now and I'm glad she hung on that time.

So please take really good care of urself for the sake of ur kids. They will appreciate that
 
Hi Quinnytan

God bless you...u are so kind like me. .. I endure his sex flings for 26yrs because I put my kids first... N nw when I want maintenance for myself, he say only hv $100..ha asshole

Dun hang too long in this...whatever u decide, just start to keep evidence, you nvm know when you need.

I pity party for 6mths, got fired cos I can't focus, I cry every slightest comment n sight of families n couples. Almost kill myself too... It all not worth ..now I knw I can hv a better life without him.

So..be strong...n to b Strong.. Dun replay in your mind. .that will only generate more negative feelings n emo n can be dangerous.

Occupy your mind..with God's word if u are Christian.. If u aren't, look for activities like go learn cooking or baking etc.

God bless...quinnytan...hope you be stronger than before after this
 
Do you think staying in a dead marriage for the kids is the right thing to do?


IMO, there are times when whatever decisions that we made, all seem to be soooooo wrong. Nothing is ever right.
 
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Hi Sane

True what the video says...it's just that like he says, it takes a lot of courage to get out and start afresh and this affects our comfort zone to be move and that result in our minds have to change and adapt new things, new life style , new home may be and this is a challenge to everyone whose human.

But hang in there and keep fighting cos it's not going to be like "forever" thing....there's a silver light at the end of this tunnel, it's not a endless tunnel.

Yes, we make mistakes but ...we are only human. Who doesn't. But we all learn from our mistakes and share with others so they may learn too.

Cheer up gal...I'll contact you tomorrow as today was super busy. Was in court for my Maintenance Order then rush back to work.

God bless.
 
hi all, can i know how u gals know that ur hubby is having affair outside?...fr what i read, initially they r very nice hubby and if they all the while is nice n gd, how can u gals know they actually 2 faces?....
 
Tiffanytei said:
hi all, can i know how u gals know that ur hubby is having affair outside?...fr what i read, initially they r very nice hubby and if they all the while is nice n gd, how can u gals know they actually 2 faces?....
Click to expand...

I chanced upon his videos in a thumbdrive. Come to think of it, he is quite a smart guy (after all, he has hidden his flings from me for almost 2 years). But he was quite silly to have recorded his exciting moments and worse, kept them in a thumbdrive that he knows i have easy access to. Maybe he thought by having many different folders, i won't find the videos. I guess it's fate bah. That i finally saw the videos. Anyway, if i were a man and had an affair, i wouldn't want to record my moments with the 3rd party and leave evidence! So....he is quite silly after all.

He has been nice to me so far....ever since the day i confronted him. Picked me up after i knocked off from work, looked after the kids and gave me goodbye kiss when he dropped me at my workplace in the morning. To be honest, if i don't think about the affair and just look at how he is behaving now, i am ok. As in, i still love and treasure him. But then, when i am free at work or have nothing to do at home, i will think about his bad deeds again. Sigh. Very confused.

But, like what nicoletan78 said, it is only human to err. He did give me 2 reasons why he did me wrong. 1 was a typical reason most men would use. 1 was logical enough. However, they still don't justify why he should be unfaithful.

I actually still have many questions to ask him regarding why he strayed. Should i sit down and talk it over with him again? I mean, i could be partly at fault too, for neglecting his needs. So to prevent this from happening, should i find out the cause and work on it?
 
Men are always silly enough to keep evidence of their flings...
it actually helps us...

yes its human to err but to continue to err when not thinkin of the kids is wrong..

Men are always short sighted.. they don think about the consequences of their action.. sex is not everything
imagine when they are in the 50s and 60s and then they do not have their kids with them...

nothing justifies infidelity unless u put a knife to his necka nd ask him do it?
 
@Sad_angie, yeah i think he was stupid enough to have recorded the video....hmmm, i agree u shd sit down n talk to him & resolve any issues...n most impt point is u hv to let him know abt d kids feeling and their future...it is no gd environment for d kids if they see their parents always argue or in 'cold war'...coz they can feel it...
 
sane said:
Do not rush to make any decisions. Meanwhile keep the video. It will come into very good use in fighting the assets and custody of the kids.
Click to expand...
Dear Sad_angie,

Agree with sane. Keep all the evidences. Though you don't wish .... but might come in handy in future.

Meanwhile, stay strong and don't do anything silly (revenge by finding a man...) that won't solve anything and will land you in losing end.
Take care!
 
Just move on.
Forget them.
Divorce haven't kill anyone yet..
It's goin to be tough but in e end u be free.
Start to look at e family justice court website.
There is a form page for divorce.
If have hdb, please send e standard query hdb form to hdb.
Then fill up e writ, SOC, SOP, proposed parenting plan, proposed matrimony plan, MOA and Acknowledge of service
 
I am also feeling very devastating. I found the increased of condoms in my husband's wardrobe and we never use any. I questioned him while he was in overseas. He denied totally. When he's back, he acted as if nothing happened and avoided speaking to me yet his tone became softer than normal when speaking to the kids. This is unusual in our house. He is also so-called a good father and good son.

Can anyone tell me is my six sense is correct? I am at SAHM financially rely on him.
 
should be quite clear. If he is going for prostitute, i don't think he need to keep so many condoms as prostitute will provide it.
 
Can you advise me what steps should I do because he doesn't want to bring up and act normal? I can't just treat nothing has happen? I understand having an affair is a relationship not a one night stand that can goes off easily.
 
Wait...u need evidence.. Women's charter 95 (a)...go Google n knw ur rights n where u stand b4 u jump.. Divorce isn't a 1 day process n it can take months. ..r u prepared n r u prepared to be strong to contest cos he isn't going to let u hv the property without a fight... R u prepare..? Think gals
 
Peace & Happiness
Before u doing anything... Google women's charter... Don't be foolish n jump n end up homeless n still hv to pay hefty court fees n lawyer fees...if u don't hv evidence.. Go look for it...start keeping all his letters n peep his sms msg ... Be wise cos ur kids need u to fight for them...nobody will fight for u..not even ur lawyer. . suggest u lay low n gather evidence.. I'm half way in Maintenance order n Divorce proceedings... So I can tell u exactly what you need ...if..if u had made up ur mind to move on
 
Sad_angie, my husband divorced me 4yrs ago when our 2 children are only 3yrs old. Reason been is that he had made the outside woman pregnant and he had to marry her. Leopard won't change its spot. I always thought my ex husband was a good man and good father. I didn't expect such thing to happen. I wasn't even aware of the real reason when he wanted a divorce.
Do u know that till now he was married to the woman, he now has another woman outside too? PS: that cureent wife have 2 daughters with him now too.

Conclusion, personal opinion, if the man can have sex with another woman behind the wife, no point keeping. The same shit will keep happening.
 
@Sad_angie, It's a very noble decision to stay with him even though he betrayed you. Putting the kids first is truly the sacrifice of a mother! Try couples counselling. Don't be afraid to let your support network (trusted family member or friends) know what happened because you may need their help someday. Make sure they understand and respect your decision to stay with him. But don't be afraid to change your mind if he pushes his luck!!

And yes, keep all evidence for yourself. Test messages, call logs, and especially the videos.

Jts: My dad had an affair when we were kids and my mom stayed with him. I only found out in my teens and it was hard at first to understand why she stayed and why he could do that to the mother of his girls. I was furious at him for many years cos I felt betrayed too. Its like he's saying that he would allow my husband to treat me the way he treated my mom. So it does affect kids too, in a twisted kind of way. My mom always told me (my sister still doesn't know of this) that no matter what happened between them, I need to respect him too because even though he failed her as a husband, he's still a good father to us. This is between them, and never intended for us to find out anyway... In a way, despite me feeling hurt and betrayed, she's right. Anyway, you need to stand strong cos you need to support your kids through this someday as well. All the best! x
 
I actually doesn't want a divorce Cos I do not have solid proof. Kids love him very much. He is a great daddy to them. Most importantly I still love him. My feeling is the same as wishingstars being trapped and helpless to move forward. I confronted but he denied instead point fingers at me said I accused him and insisted an apologize from me. Now he knows, it's even more difficult to find evidence in future.
 
Mummies...like u say leopard doesn't change it's spots...once they tasted forbidden fruit then there wl b 2x..3x ...
I'm not advocating divorce but when this get slammed in your face, u hv to stand n fight your rights n your kids.
No evidence... Never mind...get him for maintenance n auxiliaries
 
@Sad_angie You are not the first one. There are many discussion threads related to husband disloyalty. 有空的话，阅读老师的thread.

夫妻缘走到尽头，要分开的。有些人能相守一辈子，有的则不能。为什么呢？这前世有关.

Sad_angie said:
Now, i am wondering if i should go for a blood test to test for HIV. Although i think it's compulsory for all expectant women to be tested for HIV during the first trimester, right? Correct me if I am wrong.
Click to expand...
老师认识很多人。什么鬼都见过了， you name it, I have seen it. 鬼不可怕，人的心非常可怕。

Beside testing for HIV, 老师劝你最好去 test for Hepatitis and Herpes I & II.

People thought no HIV is safe which is bullshit. Many many many people neglected testing for Hepatitis and Herpes I & II! I can tell you that many people kenna!

Especially, for those have had extra marriage affair, please test for hepatitis and herpes I & II immediately.

blood-test4.jpg

Link for anoymous blood testing @ DSC clinic: (click here)​
 
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Loveserena, ur husband divorce u when ur kids are 3... Mine also no diff, now he wants divorce my kid only 2 and the other one coming out.
Damn bloody heartless. But what to do... Have to move on...better not waste our time with them also , who knows a better fella will appear. Theres a reason why things happen. Staying for the sake of children doesnt mean the best for them too
 
Daay:
Yes.. And that time I was totally dependent on him for finance and support everything. I didn't work when I got pregnant with my first child. My 2 kids are born the same year so it's a continuous pregnancy for me. I was so lost when he wanted the divorce. But I didn't stop him though at that time I didn't know the real reason behind. He just tell me that he doesn't love me anymore. That's it!
Well... I thought to myself since he doesn't love me no point keeping the man without his heart. So I said ok.
Is during the process of the divorce that I got to know the truth.
Heartless man!! Yes u r right!
He did it to me. And now he is doing it to his current wife!
Karma!!! And men are the same, once they tasted the forbidden fruit, they will do it again and again.

For the sake of my children, I have to be strong. I learned and lived and worked hard for them. No point living in misery with this kind of man. You will never forgive them nor you can forget what they have done.

Now I'm so much happier with my children. Living the life I want to be. Jiayou girls!!! Those suffering the same fate as me... You can do it too!!
 

Peace and happiness

If he truly loves the kids then he would have work hard to make marriage work and give them a happy family. And not do hanky panky with intentions if hurting e family. Playing with fire.
Anything can be laid out on table and discuss before f* another women. The moment he took that step he should know he already hurt e kids.
By tolerating, your kids might have e same thinking. Imagine e same thing happened to your daughter. She adopted your approach and stay unhappy in e marriage.
It's up to individual choice. But as today's women, we are more educated to help guide our kids in these areas.
 
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