how to get over husband who abandoned me and my son and new born daughter?

daylight004sg

New Member
dear mummies .... any advice ? i cannot seems to forget my husband ...miss him alot ...but he left my mum's house never come home, abandoned me and my 15 months son and when i am a month before my delivery for my new born girlwhen i was warded in hospital for his drinking buddies and a vietnam affair...so broken...any advice on how to move on? ... really wanna move on my heart .. somemore bto flat on the way next year .....he said he no want to be with me anymore ,any advice on how to move on?
 


It's very painful n sad n baby is so young. File him to family court for divorce n if u hv evidence.. All the better and calculate the years of education for your baby plus maintenance for yourself. You may approach Legal Aid if you are not working or your salary is less than 1.5k.....so sad to hear this but be strong for your baby as she need mummy to be strong. He not worth anything at all so wack him in court and wacky him hard. Court does not take abandonment lightly... and Women's charter help us get ourselves back on our feet. So dun cry, be strong.. God bless
 
thank u gladjo, i ask him for monthly money he gave me today ...next month onwards also i will remind him....dunno if i should insist the bto i share with him ...maybe inside my heart i still hoping he will love me back ....my parents will be very piss with me if i decide to do so ...
 
Franky daylight004, seems ur hubby isn't the caring type , he's ...err rather self centre n selfish. . u hv to sit down with him and talk responsibilities ..otherwise u go merry go-round every time he disappears.. Shalmo
 
Yah what u say is true .. Vietnam women really very powerful can make men turn round and round and buy them things and get money ... My confidence really shaken :( .. Have to move on ...
 
Yes...b strong baby needs you...ask him point blank if he want Viet gf or family? Usually usually man dun like this kind of direct question... Cos they want both so he may drag you n if he delay to ..next wk let you knw this type of answer, it is clear that he's isn't worth your 5cents. It took my husband 2 wks on such simple question! So, talk to him first...pls record down cos it's evidence n take picture of him n his Viet gf...all these wl help you in your divorce... God bless u mummy, be strong
 
I think u should talk to his parents too. Let his parents try see if can talk him out. Some are just flings and maybe mental blocked ... See if still can be salvaged since your baby so young. You may need to let go your bto if he walks out completely and no way to salvage
 
Yes...but talk to him first...most guys are so egoistic n telling his parents sometimes make it worst ... Talk to his parents when all else fail...when I told my Hubby's parents,it was like I had just slaughtered his whole village.. Record ..it's evidence. . God bless
 
His parents. And sister. Talk him out but his heart is outside drinking late nights and also with the Vietnam woman already .. It's so fast everything happen in 2 months .. It's overwhelming ..do u think I should beg him to visit the children ?
 
Nope..if he's isn't ready for baby, no matter how you beg, he wouldn't move ... But have you had a heart to heart talk with him? Do that and record in tape... Shalom
 
His heart is no longer with u, no point begging for anything from him. Even if u beg him back once, he will stray again n isn't it more heart breaking then? Letting go now is not easy but rather than dragging on. It's definitely easy for me to say but if this really happen to me, I will say bye bye to my hb.
 
I tink if you still love him can try asking him go marriage counselling together. The reason is becos u know u have try your best n this don't work.
 
His heart is no longer with u, no point begging for anything from him. Even if u beg him back once, he will stray again n isn't it more heart breaking then? Letting go now is not easy but rather than dragging on. It's definitely easy for me to say but if this really happen to me, I will say bye bye to my hb.
I agreed. TS, at least if you make a break now, your son won't be so attached to him too and he won't be able to fight for the custody with you.
As for the bto, I will suggest u to give it up. Is he going to pay for the renovation and furnishings?
How about the monthly bills?
And if you are going to file for divorce, u are going to lose a lot if you sell back to HDB.
Go for a less complicated divorce with a monthly alimony fee to your son.
 
Ya .. he is leaving us and doing the 3 years separation things ... When the bto is here .. Should I engage a lawyer to write a black and white what if I give up my bto co applicant .. He still have to give me a monthly alimony by law ... I don't want him to just enjoy his. Life happily outside and abandoned us like that .. I feel very hurt and now it's. I feel anger ..
 
Daylight. I totally know how u feel.. coz it happened to me too. Disbelief first.. then lots of anger. . U will then feel sad and hopefully acceptance soon. After which then u will learn to forgive... dun rush to get over this feeling of getting over your husband. Feel the pain fully then can move on stage by stage.
 
Ya .. he is leaving us and doing the 3 years separation things ... When the bto is here .. Should I engage a lawyer to write a black and white what if I give up my bto co applicant .. He still have to give me a monthly alimony by law ... I don't want him to just enjoy his. Life happily outside and abandoned us like that .. I feel very hurt and now it's. I feel anger ..
Who is engaging the lawyer to do the separation? I suggest u to talk to him too, ask him agree to give the control of the child to u and give a monthly alimony. In this case, the divorce will be very straightforward.
In case if he denied his responsibility or want to fight for the control with you, u can seek for the legal advise.
http://www.aware.org.sg/divorce/
U can email them to get advice too.
If both of you are heading that route, you have to give up the BTO unless a party want to take over with 1 of his next of kin as co applicant.
The lawyer will be able to advise u.
 
Aware sucks..honestly.. I hv called them. Go straight to legal aid if you feel you dun need to hear from him anymore.. But write down a list what you had paid and your receipts of hospital bills etc..and if you had gather all receipts you have like purchaser for baby n yourself. Then it will be easy for legal aid to help you get as much alimony possible for both of you. Purchasers like NTUC, she ng siong etc...paste them on A4 paper so that it's easy to see....if you want to fight , fight a good hard fight , at least you n baby daily needs are taken care of ...gal ..lawyers are no free n cheap... So may entertain you 15min or so, after that they will charge. I'm fighting my maintenance n divorce myself ... Ignorance in court for me is excusable but not for a lawyer, so i 'all wack him hard. Yes, I hv to do a lot leg work to court but nothing compared to the amount these lawyers charge n worst if they are not really fighting for you...for you suggest you go legal aid
 
Aware sucks..honestly.. I hv called them. Go straight to legal aid if you feel you dun need to hear from him anymore.. But write down a list what you had paid and your receipts of hospital bills etc..and if you had gather all receipts you have like purchaser for baby n yourself. Then it will be easy for legal aid to help you get as much alimony possible for both of you. Purchasers like NTUC, she ng siong etc...paste them on A4 paper so that it's easy to see....if you want to fight , fight a good hard fight , at least you n baby daily needs are taken care of ...gal ..lawyers are no free n cheap... So may entertain you 15min or so, after that they will charge. I'm fighting my maintenance n divorce myself ... Ignorance in court for me is excusable but not for a lawyer, so i 'all wack him hard. Yes, I hv to do a lot leg work to court but nothing compared to the amount these lawyers charge n worst if they are not really fighting for you...for you suggest you go legal aid
Aware won't represent you in court but can email them for general queries or just for a listening ear.
IMO, the court is cold and incompassionate if cannot reach any compromise, they will just drag to the next hearing. If you are working, u might need to take many leaves to attend court hearing.
Just curious, why don't u approach legal aid for help?
With legal knowledge, they might be able to guide u better to get more alimony and somehow I feel as part of the government sector, they r more efficient and systematic than a commercial lawyer.
I agree with you, fight hard and get the most out from those irresponsible husband.
They can't be a good husband but at the very least, be a responsible father.
 
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I was so humiliated by those court mediators, yes court is cold because it all based on proof n proof,I told half day leaves running here n there, doesn't mean u get lawyer u dun need to go court, u still hv to. Am not eligible for legal aid as my salary is abv 1.5k n I dun need to go down on my kneels to beg them take my case, enough humiliation n insult where it shud b my hubby as I single handedly raised them while he was having adultery one after another
 
I was so humiliated by those court mediators, yes court is cold because it all based on proof n proof,I told half day leaves running here n there, doesn't mean u get lawyer u dun need to go court, u still hv to. Am not eligible for legal aid as my salary is abv 1.5k n I dun need to go down on my kneels to beg them take my case, enough humiliation n insult where it shud b my hubby as I single handedly raised them while he was having adultery one after another

I will pm you :)
 
Hi Daylight, I saw your post again. Only time will heal your pain. Focus on this time to take care of yourself, you need to pamper yourself and make yourself beautiful again. As much as possible, take care of your kids. Be proud of your kids. Forget that guy. He does not deserve your love at all. You deserve somebody who is so much better and I am sure that person will come again if you focus on getting well. Live in the moment and live well. Hope one day you will be able to look back and realize how lucky you are that you are not stuck with that guy.
 
Hi mummies. I have a problem regarding this too. But I'm a foreign mum married to sg guy. He abandoned me, my 4yr old daughter and my 3 weeks old daughter last August 2013. He stayed with his gf leaving us under his parents care. Didn't give any financial support. After 3 months of giving birth I worked again. After few months he faced bankruptcy in his business. Used me and our family to get support and able to convince the parents to invest. After getting what he wants he dumped us again and back to stay with his gf. June 2014 the parents asked for my help to their investment. He asked for my forgiveness but still stayed with his gf. Until Nov 2014 he shifted back with us. But due to some family problem between him and his family we shifted on our own. Because of all the stresses at work we always quarrel so I decided to resign. He got mad because of labour crunch that the business is facing. and now he wanted a separation. And on that night after I resigned he was back with his gf. Now he wanted the kids back to his parents house. But I cannot stay with my kids. He also admitted that he has no capability of taking care of the kids. Is there a possibility that I can get the custody of my kids? Can I bring them back home with me even they are singapore ctizens? I have a job offer waiting for me. I'm holding to an ltvp+. Please I need advise....
 
Hi lynnflg, so so sad to hear your predicament... These guys are heartless... But first I suggest you make a trip down to family court, bring along your married cert n kids birth cert., there the officials are very compassionate so tell them your difficulties..there must be a way for you I believe... Don't despair,if your marriage is registered in s'pore, you have a good chance of fair treatment n meanwhile you may like to Google family court Women's Charter. May the peace of God be with you...take care
 
daylight004sg, I am almost in the same boat with you. Going to give birth in Feb, husband asked for divorce...I am going ahead...
 
like what others say, if his heart is not with you anymore, no point.....now I am feel with anger rather than love. He can do this to u, he can also do this to the other woman. Stay strong. I will not let him off easily after divorce too. He thinks divorce is the easy way out. But not financially.
 
After reading this thread, i feel so pissed

I dun understand y a husband can choose to leave a wife when she is pregnant & especially when shr is giving birth in few months time..

A friend used to tel me a relationship if have 3rd party is the most diff to savage..

If because of financial prob, maybe still can work hard tog or borrow from relative..
 
I am good:) yes, my family support is very strong. He just say he cannot stand me keep questioning him. If u were me, how to not question him when he had an affair 2 years ago? He din even assure me. I could not take it at first but i think its better to leave him. Cos i dun think i can trust him
 
Daay..Kinda same situation as me too. They expect us to juz trust them back unconditionally without assurance. Must be crazy. For my case.. i became suicidal and always threatening him. He says he oso cannot stand my questioning spying threatening etc. So u file under adultery?
 
Now there is no proof on his adultery. I din want to get a PI cos its expensive. He is the one who wants a divorce. The lawyer advise me to wait till he give me the letter. If he wants a divorce, go ahead, theres nothing i can do to stop him. I always believe, there is a reason why things happen. Life still goes on. Its not as if its the end of the world.
 
Daay, ur lawyer is right...reason is in women charter, the party who files divorce hv a bigger responsibility n if he loose this case, he hv to pay both sides legal cost.

Did his infidelity happen just or long ago? Or still ongoing? If long ago, u hv a hard fight, if on going still, suggest u stay low n try to catch him off guard so u can hv evidence to proof ur case. Cos women's charter 95(5)(b) dictates that once proof adultery, he hv to bear all legal cost n his fight for children custody will b tough.

PI is expensive... So I lay low n he's stupid enough to think am dumb n siiting duck n after sometime...I managed to get some pic he down loaded fm hp, cos my hubby is pervert enough to store all this onto pc for personal enjoyment n feel high... I presume whatever.

Go Google women's charter..understanding it will help u to know also whether ur lawyer is fighting for u or for money.

God bless
 
Now there is no proof on his adultery. I din want to get a PI cos its expensive. He is the one who wants a divorce. The lawyer advise me to wait till he give me the letter. If he wants a divorce, go ahead, theres nothing i can do to stop him. I always believe, there is a reason why things happen. Life still goes on. Its not as if its the end of the world.
Stay strong! Your kids be proud of you. And have a safe pregnancy till delivery. :)
 
Thanks everyone for the encouragement.
Gladjo, the adultery was 4 years back. But when we get back, i was still suspicious and sometimes questioning him. He din give me assurance. But he did claim that there is no adultery now and yet he wants a divorce. Somemore, he say proceed after my confinement. Dunno wats the rush unless he has to answer to the other party. But i felt its better to leave him cos i dun think i can trust and live with him given this drama during all 9 months he left me alone during my pregnancy. What i want now is the maintenance fee and a house to stay for my 2 kids. How do i go about this?
 
Hi daay,

First thing is don't think so much...just keep your head up and keep moving on...feelings and emotions will do you no good at this time. So, keep your mind occupied with things to do. When it comes, it comes then you handle it when it comes.

it's easier said than getting it done, right? Don't worry,you are not alone. So, it's best to keep your mind occupied with things to do. This will blow over and soon you have a new life.

Let him proceed with the Divorce if he wants to. I will guide you how to contest.

On Maintenance, you can file separately a court order for Maintenance. Which means your hubby is now attacked on 2 fronts, Divorce which you will contest and Maintenance. I can guide you on this. So, start digging for receipts especially all those hospital bills and doctor bills for your kids and even makan bills like a package of rice or NTUC grocery receipt. You can PM me and I will give you step by step how to proceed.

Meanwhile, are you working? if your salary is below 1.5k, you can approach Legal Aid and they can do all this for you Free, whereas your hubby will pay his lawyer till nose bleed. And since he's the one filing divorce, if he looses, he have to pay both sides court fees and lawyer fees.

When free, go google "Women's Charter" , understanding your rights will brighten you up and all is not gloom and doom. Thank God Singapore Government protects Women like us...having said this, of course, there are those tai tai who abuse Women's charter, sigh.

So, don't ever ever think you will end up with nothing and have to struggle bringing up the kids yourself. Women's Charter dictates that your husband must maintain you(Wife, even if you are working till you re-marry) & children (till 21yrs). But if your salary is like 5-10k a month, then court will not grant you.

You sound gloomy, cheer up...think of the life ahead ... you deserve a better man and a good life... He's just robber trying to take a free meal out of you. So, be happy your sufferings are coming to an end.

God bless...
 
To those who already signed the papers, how was the feeling on the day of signing? Sad?
I'm in the same situation as u...
I wanna divorce And no $ for lawyer...

Me and gladjo meeting up to discuss. Let us know if you like to join. We can support each other
 
hmm...how come cannot PM me leh?
Anyway, u meet up with her first. Cos I already 37 weeks preggy...so quite tired....
hehehe
 
@daylight004sg - Hi! I just read and feeling really upset for you. I know how it feels to go through this. Your husband is really irresponsible but I understand that in your inner you still love him that's why you still hoping that he still loves. In my opinions, maybe for the time being just make it seems like you both are separated. Let him continues to help you financially and be a responsible father by paying for his kids needs and wants. Give him sometime my dear. I will never opt for an divorce although I know he had an affair and he did this to me. As I do see it for my children happiness because I want my children to have both parents by their side to guide them through the journey of life till they get independent and old enough to make decisions of their own. Divorce could be an option but the impact is not on you anymore, its on your kids. Maybe you can try talking to him and after talking to him. Then see what you can do.
 
hmm...how come cannot PM me leh?
Anyway, u meet up with her first. Cos I already 37 weeks preggy...so quite tired....
hehehe
no worries, u rest well..
u need to go settings and switch on your PM..
alternatively PM us your contact number and we add u in our group chat;)
 
To those who already signed the papers, how was the feeling on the day of signing? Sad?
actually dont have much feeling...
after signing paper, i still meet up my ex to pass him his stuffs once...
only when he keep saying he forgets some stuffs here and there, i get piss off and ask him to think properly what he left in the house so that i need not arrange courier so many times
 
To those who already signed the papers, how was the feeling on the day of signing? Sad?

hi daay, to your question, i just signed the draft plus the declaration before the comissioner, i felt that the very horrible heavy burden from all these years of being suspiciousness distrust etc towards the husband is melting slowly. from the day we separated in march 2014 to the day i signed the draft on last two weeks ago. my solicitor assured me everything will be all right. but still the nightmare (husband still borrowing from me) lingering on.

needless to say, i felt quite better as i guessed divorce will do us better. now peaceful life although single.
 
however, on the maintainance side, it is really tough chasing the husband for $$$ every few days and now and then.. Yet he still persuading me to let him pay me the maintainance $$$ in two half instalments per mth altho i did state on my parenting proposal that i expect him to pay me on teh first working day of mth. i sill need extra money for my kid although i m working mum. so vexed..
 
just out of curiosity, is there anything you can do to make sure your ex-husband pays his dues on time?

from now i know, i have friends who take 2 months to receive their alimony from their ex-hubbies and they're pretty helpless to do anything about it.
 



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