Anyone to lend me a listening ear or advice

jen_wong79

New Member
This post is vastly different from my last 2 posts & definitely lengthy. I hope fellow mummies here can give me some good advice.

Things are certainty getting from bad to worst for me since my last post. I always think of myself as a strong-willed person. Until the events that happened recently wore me out. Part 1 : Firstly ... a few weeks back I had a very strong hunch something weird is gg on with my husband. I decided to check his laptop / HP & discovered that discovered that he has been surfing porn .. worst .. looking for contacts of pros on that sleazy sex forum (xxxxxboy) .. and the has the contact number for a few dozen pros on his wechat. After discovering this, I decided to confront him. He swore to me he has nvr visited any of these woman , he was just curious. I told him , he already had the intention of visiting one since he looked for their contacts. By doing that, he is showing major disrespect for me and the family. I told him he has totally broke my trust. He since promised to not visit those websites anymore. to earn back my trust. How do I know he kept his promises, I installed a spyware on his laptop secretly to keep track of what he does. That's where part 2 begins.

I found out he bought a spycam behind my back to spy on the maid. The maid is a major issue too, few months bk we discovered she was stealing from us and wore my clothes w/o my permission... We gave her another chance so now she is still with us. I have seen been monitoring the maid's behaviour very closely after that event. Everynow and then I check on her FB and mobile phone & *horror* I discovered she has been taking nude pics of herself! Since when, I dunno. Ytd , I was checking my husband's laptop , to check on his online activities. That's when I discovered he has a cam hidden in the study room (maid slps there). The screen shots from the spyware showed a few vids from a unknown device and I found that the husband has a few topless pics of the maid from a unknown device. Now my fear is , is he asking the maid for take those pics for him or the maid is a horny b*tch or he chance upon those pics while checking on her? I have not found those pics in his pc, I suspect he is keeping them somewhere .. what should I do now?

I really don't know to believe his words or trust my guts, As at now, with 2 kids in tow, heavy commitments and a bleak future ( I will be losing my job soon ). I have no strength to move on , on my own.
 


Hi Jen,

Stay calm. It is very natural to worn out. Have some moment to yourself.
Think if you really want to dig further now? Can you accept the truth irregardless if it is good or bad.
Sometimes knowing too much might not be a good thing at this moment.
 
Think u can send the maid back first. You will have one less variable to worry. Then continue to monitor your Husband.
 
I'm saddened to hear the mental turmoil that u r going through now. I think, the first step is to send away the maid. Perhaps, u can confront him with all the evidence u've gathered in the hope of getting him to see that u r aware of his wrongdoings, getting him to repent and take actions to ensure that. Next, u can tell him if he want u and this family, he has to rebuild the trust he's broken in u. Ask him what he intends to do to show his sincerity in repenting. If it's only talk and no action plan, u can propose finances transparency to give u that reassurance. All his expenses and bank accounts have to be made known to u n accounted for.
 
Sorry to hear all that's happening. Agree with the rest. Think you should send the maid back to ease one worry, at least that one you can control.
For relationships, trust is very important and hubby will need to show and commit that he really wants to work with you to win back your trust again.

Ai @ http://www.sakuraharuka.com
 
Jen, you must be strong and it is indeed a period where you will need to be strong for your family. You are right to have listening ears, do not keep everything to yourself and you are not alone.

You may want to sit down and talk it over calmly with your husband alone if there are somebody who can take care of your kids for a while when you do that.
The maid like the others' advise you will need to terminate her service and I am sure your parents or in laws could help temporary as you decide whether to get a new maid. No one is perfect and it could be a moment of foolish curiousity that had thrown your hubby into his action. Talk to him and is he showing remorse? You want to keep the family intact and he needs to take the steps forward to keep the family together especially with two young children.
 
Dear,
My suggestion, will be send off the maid first. Then forget all about it. Don't question him as the more you get to know, the more broken you feel. But monitor his behaviour, if he continues to do that then I think you should give him a harsh warning or do what your heart feels.
 
jen_wong,
I think it is best to find a good time and talk to your maid because i am worried, if you send her back suddenly, she may tell someone about "nude pictures" which may requested from your hubby or she is too proud to show off, as maid will tend to curry favour their master, so that they can replace your position. Why you need to ask the maid? Firstly, you will know why she did that. Secondly, you can find out who is telling lie. No point sending your maid back without finding out the truth, as you may need a replacement.
Solve one issue follow by another, don't be so hurry as sometimes our brain can't overcome all the things that come at one go.
 
Hi Jen,

Personally I don't think it is a good idea to confront your husband at this point of time if you are not ready and not prepared to end the marriage since you mentioned you have no strength to move on, on your own.

By confronting him now with the evidences you have in hand, not only will further damage the trust in your marriage, it will also alert your husband to be more wary of you in future and situation will get worse. Nobody like to be spy on secretly. It will be a fatal move if you made known to him that you have been spying on him.

You should send the maid home first, regardless whether it is your husband who asked her to take those photos or she herself took them out of her own will.
It is definitely not a good idea to employ a maid at home anymore (with your husband so addicted to those porn websites), unless you can change to a maid that is not young. Temporary get help from your parents or parents-in-laws in taking care of the children till you sort out whether to put them in childcare or to permanently ask your parents to help you take care of them while you are at work.

Please secure your job as you must be financially independent. I don't think you can or will trust his words anymore but since you still want to stay in the marriage, you have no choice but to try to salvage the marriage. Try to create more bonding moments with him. Love and attention for spouse tends to be neglected when there is children as most love and attention will go to the children.

At the same time, do plan for yourself and your children's futures. It will be good for you to grab hold of his savings and make him pay for all the monthly expenses. You should save up as much as you can. Money may not be everything but if the marriage doesn't work out and divorce is on the list, women must be financially strong enough as it is not easy to be a single parent.

Continue to spy on him secretly to gather all the evidences so that you can use them in future to seek the custody of your children when you are ready to move on, without him.

Keep your mind calm now and plan your next move carefully. No matter what your decision is, please be strong and always think twice.
 
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Yes please terminate the maid. No need to tell her the reason or explanation. Just tell her u dont need a maid now.
 
Jen, I agree with everyone here...the maid must go. if the maid threaten you she will expose your hubby, then use it back to her, threaten her you will expose her nude picture online and let it go viral. Tell her you will log a police report then let the police handle. I guarantee she'll be more scare then you. Don't let this maid push you around, she just want to stay in Singapore for free on your hubby. Of course, during this time, you have to arrange the kids to your mum's. But confront the maid with your sis or someone - best person is agent, not alone. And if possible,record by all means. It will come in handy.

Home front, suggest you talk with your hubby. Yes, confrontation isn't good but now the maid had done such things, there must be a root cause. Ask him for his opinion point blank and if he's siding her, it will be obvious then some fishy thing is going on and continue to check your hubby for prove of adultery because in court, you have to prove everything.

There's no need to fear. Women's charter will protect you. If he threaten not to support you and your kids, get a court order. It's very simple and fast. Whether you are working or not, Women's charter dictates the 'man' must support the family and his wife. Unless, you don't want his money and is self sufficient. But, I rather take cos it will help with the kids' future.

I'm going through divorce as well now as we speak and my hubby started with porn films and pictures. That gradually opened to adultery, one after another. And as my girls were young, I hang on as I don't them them to see us fighting everyday on his late nights (he comes back midnight 2-3am!). I sleep separately from him & I refrain from any confrontation and endure till the girls are now 19 & 20. Now, it's time for payback.

So watch out if your hubby keep late nights. When there's smoke, there's a fire somewhere.

God bless..
 
Your husband is already "itching " outside and that means his heart is no longer with you.
The reason of why he is still with the family is out of responsibility or feel is troublesome to divorce..
Even if u confront him to change his ways, it will only lead to quarrelling and if you tried to control him, it will still only be unhappiness and bickers.
Your choices are either to live with him with lowest expectations or divorce.
In that case, it will only make you less miserable.
 
Jen..whatever your decision.. Try always to tape down or record or best take picturres. .these come in handy in court and gives you an upper hand. How ever, talk with him first. Record it... God bless
 
This husband and maid thing is never ending. Many households i know somewhat have this issue and i am not spared, well at least i am hoping my suspicion will prove me wrong all these while. You see, for many of us here, the reason why we even need a helper is bcos we are out working to ensure more cash flow and certain things are left for the helper to do. as the name suggest, helper is to... HELP. but at times when there is too much help rendered, it bcomes imbalance. Pardon me for this lengthy comment, it just makes me feel a lot better to be able to rant here.

The way i see it in my case, the suspicion starts from my husband. not the maid. it is like he is leading the maid on.
for instance....

1. as cooking is done by the maid (she cooks relatively well) husband will often need to check out on her cooking. i wld understand but.. i always catch them in close proximity for no good reason (as if there is a good reason for this). checking the food need to stand too close? tasting food need to stand to close? when crossing each other's path in the kitchen need to go to an extend to almost hugging? and when taking my 2 yrs old from her like as if need to touch her?

2. i will always call her by her name. but him? will address her like as if calling a second wife! and upon reaching home will complain..... eg: (name...... my ear so pain today.... my eye so pain today.... wonder if cock got pain will ask her come and see?? my point is why need to do all this? you should seek attention only from your wife leh. not maid. dont be too quick to judge that i havent been giving him attention. i did!

3. this maid also another one. when unwell, dont know how to say to me. all of a sudden, i will see husband medication (new bottle) on her bed. when asked husband will say. it is mine, i gave her. why? need to share medication? doctors have all died that i cannot bring her to see one?

4. and recently, i was appalled and taken a back with his response on a family gathering. husband said.. "its ok if you will not attend the gathering, but the MAID MUST ATTEND. so now, she can replace my presence as a wife. great!

5. when husband is on MC and AL, i use to have no qualms abt them at home. but now, i feel that there is something going on. once i called home, she took so long to answer the call!

6. condoms! yes condoms. i know husband hate it. however one fine night before doing the deed he wanted to put it on. when i asked why, he said for easier penetration? what? how lame! who the **** knows if he is actually keeping stocks to use with her? and now suddenly no more condoms used. mind you, i was on contra IUD when he decides for us to use it. i dont get it.. IUD & Condoms?

7. and the home camera. yes he installed one to monitor the kids. i am not given access. the camera could be a give away weather or not they ended up on the bed during his MC and AL!

i dont know. i am starting to lose trust in this marriage over the maid. maid is good. i want to send the maid back, but i like her bond with the kids. or maybe i am weighing it all wrong? it is not fair if i dismiss her when i know it is the husband who loves the attention from her? but is it then fair to me?

at this moment i do not have evidence that they are having an affair, but judging from my observation, my suspicions escalates to a point that it keeps coming back to my mind. there are so many instances that i could spell out that he is actually treating the maid and the wife the same. no wife.. maid also can?

if you were to ask me now, what i feel like doing.. i feel like throwing him and the maid out of the house. i can see myself bursting in anger anytime soon. and it is just a matter of time.
 
Mummy relax...I know it's not easy on you. Trust your guts, send her back before anything really happens(if). Better be safe than sorry. Get another maid, not a big issue. Not worth to spoil the marriage because of an outsider.
 
Jen_wong& Jammerjamz
Pls send the bitches (maid) back without hesitation. Be calm & ask yourself if you can raise the kids without the husband. Can u pretend nothing has happen if you forgive ur hus? Honestly when the hus has an intention on ur maid meaning he has plan to let it happen & anytime can happen even if u change a new maid. Otherwise get an ugly/ 30s over maid.

Decide if u can use a childcare centre, engage a part time helper. There is no way we as working mothers to monitor the maid & hus behaviour around the clock.

Pls think positively & dun let ur mind run wild. Dun allow depression to happen.
 
@jammerjamz I guess you have relate your issues with your husband? If yes, why he is not reassuring you? to me (like i told my spouse), if i'm uncomfortable about something, i do not need to give him evidence that he is wrong. i expect him to do something to eradicate my uneasiness. it's that plain simple. of course the easier way is send the maid home.
 
Ya. Y u dun just send the maid home? Instead of like imagine here suspect there..

If your hubby pick a fight wif u becos u wanna terminate the maid, then something is really fishy.
 
Firstly u need to send the maid and get a replacement since u need a maid to probably do housework while u work. Secondly about the husband it is quite clear he has some sort of sexual addiction which of course he is hiding from u. Are there anymore intimacy between the 2 of u? Could he be deprived? Seek a counsellor for this issue. Trust broken takes a long time to be gained back. Morever u have 2 children, are u able to move to ur in laws or parents home temporary with them just to give yourself some peace and quiet while u sort things out slowly? Perhaps this time would be good to show does your absence makes his heart fonder.

Hope this helps.
 
I have a similar situation which I just found out that my husband is having an affair with my maid. I really feel being betray and I am lost.....not sure whether to divorce as I have 2 kids...I really don't want my kids to stay in a single family. What should I do? I have already sent my maid back to the agency....but I really don't know how to face him....everytm I look at my kids, my tears just keep flowing down....
 
Jen and Sadgirl -

1) Ditch the maid.

2) Remind your husband that if the world explodes, he can count on you to stand beside him. Will the maids do the same? Remind them that they better remember this because if you leave, there will be no coming back.

3) Don't bluff. You're worth something. Leave if you have to.

Most men cheat because they feel that their wives have no respect for them or they have no respect for their wives. Do with this knowledge what you will.
 
I cannot even sleep for the whole night thinking why this has happens to me..and keep thinkin why he can opening sleep in the maid room (when i am not around) with my kids around in another room. I am really very pain and heart broken...i really hope i can make a decision soon.
 
Even if it old like mine 50+, she also sleep wz my gg to ex like prostitude. Mummies, ur HD may be planning to retire in 3rd country (escape SG stressful life) but before that, he make sure the house n ur insurance , he is the sole beneficiary, hope u gals protect yrself. I m not promoting divorce is a good way out but protect ur assets so that it goes to ur children. I can share my story , what app me 93893901.
 
Crying till ur eyes pop out wouldn't change a thing if u dun dare to take yrs rightful place as Owner n as a legal Wife.
 

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