Husband sleeps with my maid

mimicoco77

Member
Hi all

I just found out that my husband slept with my maid. I have 3 young kids n school will be reopen soon. I am so sad n confused that I m not sure what to do. My head is exposing n pray that I will not jump down fr my flat. The pain is too much. I didn't even hv the courage to expose them.
 


Mimicoco dun act rashly as u Shld b in shock now.. think abt ur kids, a mums live is v strong n u can overcome it.. not worth sacrificing urself n leaving ur kids behind
 
I know. I can't sleep till now. My head is spinning ... It is not the 1st, he promised that he never do it again. Now, it happened. I wanted to sent the maid away but nobody take care while I am working ...
 
Sorry i can't give better advice but i hope u r feeling a little better? I'm going through a diff anguish myself now n i believe time will help in ones feelings.. When u'r feeling better n in a better mindset, sit n think through ur options.. There'll always b other better ways tt will help resolve e matter
 
Hi,
Possible to send kids to childcare? How young are your kids? They can learn in childcare. My hb was very impressed by what his nephew learnt in childcare that he insisted to send our kids to childcare too.
 
Agree that it's not worth sacrificing your life. What would happen to your children if you do it?

I have my own set of problems. It has never been an option no matter how difficult my life is. I know i have to hang on. If anything happen to me, what would happen to those who truly love and care for me? I mean not only my children but my parents and siblings too. They would be sad. I have my share of family responsibility too. Should anything happen to my mum and sis, i have to support my special needs brother. As far as i know, hb is not going to help in supporting even though he didn't say anything about it. Anyway, i would feel bad that he had to do it.

Haha, think i go out of topic. Just sharing why sacrificing own life should never be an option. The man is only part of our life. He is not everything. We mummies are very strong. Jiayou!
 
Mimicoco77,

Did you talk to the maid? Tell her to reject your husband's advances. How did yr husband find the opportunity to sleep with her? Think of ways that will not create an opportunity for yr husband to cheat on you. Hv you thought of asking him to move out temporarily and that he can only come back when he will change his ways? This is as good as cheating on you and you should not swallow it. You mentioned this is not the first time, how did you handle the matter the last time? Did you warn yr husband of the consequences if he does it again? He is definitely not changng his ways and has taken you for granted.

I know how it feels like cos I hv been betrayed. It hurts like hell and yes all I wanted was to die. Whenever I think of my kids, I asked myself why do I hv to die cos of a man who does not respect or treasure me, my kids need me. I know it is hard now and you can't sleep well, you can write in the forum or pm me. It helps when you hv someone to talk to. Right now, the problem is not yr maid but yr husband.

Like what tensilestrain said, there is a childcare option. However, yr marriage is already damaged by yr husband and both of you need to work on it if you want the marriage. That said, yr husband has to earn yr trust before the marriage can be good again.
 
i think first you have to fire your current maid...

1) find a trf maid to manage temp
2) find out the vacancy for nearby child care or nanny

are you going to work things out with your dh? if yes, both of you are encouraged to go for marriage counselling.
if not, i guess the ultimate thing to is file for separation and get hold of your children custody...

whatever is the outcome of the marriage, remember to stay alive for your children...
 
I can imagine how hurt and confused you must be, i agree you need to find alternative child care for the kids,reasons being once he has slept with her,remaining in such close quarters might just be exposing to more temptation. Also the maid likely would not respect you anymore and may be shoddy with her duties so a loose -loose situation.
Most importantly be strong for your kids, nobody can love and look after them like you can. what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger.
Hugs
 
I know. I can't sleep till now. My head is spinning ... It is not the 1st, he promised that he never do it again. Now, it happened. I wanted to sent the maid away but nobody take care while I am working ...
老师是不信他。老师见过的人太多-太多-太多了。中国五千年文化,有句词 - “狗改不了吃屎”。

像这种情况,有第一,就有第二次。有第二次,就永远会继续有。在家都那么大胆搞女佣,外边更不用说。

你的case非常普遍。要有心里准备。为了三个孩子,你自己想清楚未来。Things happened, you must face it strongly.

老师的话直,不拐弯抹角。

@moorspa7 是过来人,听听她的advice。
 
Hi mimicoco,
I can't even begin to imagine the pain and shock u are going through now but I felt compelled to leave you a message here..

Don't end your life due to this incident no matter how much it hurts now.. Imagine the next day frontpage news of your 3 kids, motherless with a father who slept with their maid.. (No offense meant but I'm only worried it may happen) I will pray very hard for this not to happen, for u to be strong enough to tough out this period..

Do you have any close friends or family you can enlist help with taking care of the kids temporary while u fire your maid & get your footing? And also to get your hb to shift out for the time being.. Might be better to calm down, clear your heart and mind without facing both of them.. So u can make the decision for next step with a clear head..

I would offer u help but I'm currently living in JB so I'm limited physically.. You can pm me if u need someone to talk to.. I will listen to you.. Don't do anything rash..
 
Hi Mimicoco77,

First of all, I would like to salute you for your tolerance since you mentioned this was not their first offence. The truth is shocking and extremely cruel to you. I may not be as strong as you. I may confront them due to impulsiveness and cause the whole family to collapse overnight. DON'T !!! Your children are innocent, the ugly scene between the 3 of you should be conceal as it may cause childhood trauma to the kids.

Following are my humble suggestions.
  1. Keep cool !
  2. Secretly gather all the evidences against your husband and maid (for future needs).
  3. Seek help from your parents or closed ones to take care of your children, not easy to find a childcare within such a short period.
  4. Once you had settled down with your children's problem, send the maid away. I see no reason why you should retain this maid when she don't even give you a damn.
  5. Though I should not say this. Divorce your husband ! Please bear in mind that "Leopard never change its spots". 一次不忠 百次不容
I understand that it is easier said than done. The whole process are definitely painful and exhausting but no point continuing life with a disgusting man. There are no more mutual trust, love, respect, care...etc. between the both of you. There are quite a number of Woman Helpline out there, perhaps you may want to call them for help or a listening ear.
 
Hi Mimicoco77,

A big hug to you. just want to say few words to you

please be strong for yourself and your kids. your world not only have your hubby. you have kids . you have your family.

hope you are better. things will go better for you n your family

terminate the maid. she is not good to keep. she might do bad things to your kids if she found out that u know about it.

God bless u
 
Hi Mimicoco77,

really appreciate that u have a huge tolerance and patience level. But babe now its time to act......as other mummies already mentioned...time to throw out the maid, find suitable arrangement for kids and stop talking to ur hubby for sometime till he realizes his mistake....!

Dont take any harsh steps just because ur hubby was unfaithful to u...u have kids who r dependent on u and look forward to see ur face everyday. Live for them! God bless u
 
no words can heal a broken heart but think of ur precious children. they need you in their lives so be strong for them.
sack the maid.
is ur hubby always having affairs with maids or is he just unfaithful type? coz u mentioned 2nd time.
the next time u choose a maid, take measures liek to be ard more often or dont let hubby and her be alone together for long periods. and maybe choose a not so attractive helper.
 
Firing the maid won't solve the problem...he might just get it on with the new maid as well...best is put kids with childcare (if possible) then no worries = can fire maid and hire part-time agency cleaning /for household chores....stay strong gal...easier said than done but look at all the support here we can give u...think for your kids...I don't think you should let the man and the maid win that easy by getting yourself out of the picture so early...do you?
 
Be strong! Even without your husband, you sure can still support your children and of course, he have to fork out money for the children too. I understand you. This type of thing is unforgivable
 
Hi all tks for the advise n encouragement . Things had evolvedIn fact, my husband n the maid planned to get me arrested, I end up in police station 2 week ago. Now, I got trouble wz MOM too , . My husband had the maid back without informing me. .n The maid passport was stolen fr me. Currently , the maid is back in SG but no one can't locate her not even our authority. My husband had move out, leaving 3 kids. I m not a business man n my finance not as strong as his.

Also, i suspect they are planning something big cos if I die. My husband gets millions of dollars. I don't know what to do now. I pay the premium but policy under his name. I can only let it lapse but he may continue. (Ps many of of my insurance policy details were stolen)

My daughter was telling me if I divorce him, they might get married , the share that belong to my children, goes to the maid. Help I m serious not thinking of letting them off like that. That irresponsible man rude my life, I m not gg to let him destroy my children ones.

I also find very weird stuff in my house that doesn't belong to us.

Wish that this ordeal can resolve n ends soon.

I feel unsafe now.

Pls pray for us :...-(
 
Hi all tks for the advise n encouragement . Things had evolvedIn fact, my husband n the maid planned to get me arrested, I end up in police station 2 week ago. Now, I got trouble wz MOM too , . My husband had the maid back without informing me. .n The maid passport was stolen fr me. Currently , the maid is back in SG but no one can't locate her not even our authority. My husband had move out, leaving 3 kids. I m not a business man n my finance not as strong as his.

Also, i suspect they are planning something big cos if I die. My husband gets millions of dollars. I don't know what to do now. I pay the premium but policy under his name. I can only let it lapse but he may continue. (Ps many of of my insurance policy details were stolen)

My daughter was telling me if I divorce him, they might get married , the share that belong to my children, goes to the maid. Help I m serious not thinking of letting them off like that. That irresponsible man rude my life, I m not gg to let him destroy my children ones.

I also find very weird stuff in my house that doesn't belong to us.

Wish that this ordeal can resolve n ends soon.

I feel unsafe now.

Pls pray for us :...-(

oh dear, sounds really bad... please get enough support for yourself... if your are able to get PPO against both the maid and your husband...
 
Mimicoco77, sorry to hear what has happened, this is very bad. I think it is better to consult a lawyer for advice. U need to sue him. On what grounds, did they get u arrested? As long u didn't do anything wrong against them, the police can't do anything. Hope things will be resolved soon. They shld be punished for what they hv done. Be strong and get support from yr family.
 
mimicoco77,

oh dear. they are so bad. i cannot believe it

Hope things will go better n all the problems will b solved

can u change the beneficiaries to others? ( eg parents/ children)? remove his name as beneficiaries

Be strong n take good care !
 
Please be strong. Do not think of committing suicide. Believe me, unless you commit a capital offence like murder, kidnap, unlawful discharge of firearms, gang robbery that resulted in the death of a person, abet suicide of someone under 18 or someone who is mentally unsound, there is almost no way you can be framed and be convicted and be sentenced to death. Even if you break some of the work permit conditions, it may be a fine or at most jail term (rare).

Under whose name was your maid's work permit? You can apply to MOM to ban the maid's entry for breaking the work permit condition for "immoral or undesirable activities, including breaking up families in Singapore". She CANNOT marry a Singaporean, become pregnant or deliver a child without the prior consent of the work permit controller, even if she is no longer under work permit or visit pass. You can refer to the statue HERE.

On insurance.. When was the policy of the nomination of beneficiary done? If I remember correctly, if nomination was done before 1st September 2009, the nominated beneficiary cannot be changed. Check with your insurance agent on this aspect.

It may not be convenient for you to discuss private issues publicly, for you do not know who is lurking around. 妳在明 他们在暗.

Best to seek proper legal advices. Although advices rendered by pro bono legal clinics may be limited, you may still want to consider them for an opinion first. Click HERE for the list of free clinics.


Hi all tks for the advise n encouragement . Things had evolvedIn fact, my husband n the maid planned to get me arrested, I end up in police station 2 week ago. Now, I got trouble wz MOM too , . My husband had the maid back without informing me. .n The maid passport was stolen fr me. Currently , the maid is back in SG but no one can't locate her not even our authority. My husband had move out, leaving 3 kids. I m not a business man n my finance not as strong as his.

Also, i suspect they are planning something big cos if I die. My husband gets millions of dollars. I don't know what to do now. I pay the premium but policy under his name. I can only let it lapse but he may continue. (Ps many of of my insurance policy details were stolen)

My daughter was telling me if I divorce him, they might get married , the share that belong to my children, goes to the maid. Help I m serious not thinking of letting them off like that. That irresponsible man rude my life, I m not gg to let him destroy my children ones.

I also find very weird stuff in my house that doesn't belong to us.

Wish that this ordeal can resolve n ends soon.

I feel unsafe now.

Pls pray for us :...-(
 
Hi slowloris

Thank for the support. MOM is investigating the matter. Even interviewing my in law, which they had interviewed my husband . My husband had been telling ppl that I I'll treat the maid , same for 10 year ago, when he had affair . He told everyone he is helping the maid so that why so close to her. Even writing a love letter just to make me jealous. It sound weird. I forgave him cos he told me he is under black magic spell that he don't know what he did. I regretted my decision.
 
I forgave him cos he told me he is under black magic spell that he don't know what he did. I regretted my decision.
老师吃素,接触玄学很久。接触不少奇门法术。确实是有旁门左道,使人家庭破裂、离婚、甚至恩爱如初、破镜重圆。

In fact, I have mentioned this before in post #1235 <- click. Pay attention to the end of third reply.

老师曾在其他的forum (not Singapore Motherhood Forum) 提过老师的经历。Too many stories. One of the stories, 老师唯一被逼出手的一次在飞机上bounding from Tokyo Narita to L.A. 帮了一个老外。改次有机会,老师大纲写出故事。Any post welcome to post here in this there -> click here.

很多闹离婚的原因,除了八字、性格等等之外。另外就是给人整。Unfortunately, lots of Singaporeans do not know or do not want to believe. 信则有,不信则无。
 
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I have heard of black magic. I think if our heart is clear and clean, you can oso block out these black magic through mediums in temple(pls note it is in temple, not hse type).
Have you created a will? Perhaps a will may help if you really die. I think having one is better than not having it.
I dun know what has happened that landed you in police stn and mom. My advise is as employer, dun hit or abuse maid and no law can harm you. You should have sent the maid bk after you found out abt the affair.
I know alot of 60-70s yo whr children employed maid to care for them (note:they have wife and grown up children) but the old men will still try to be close to the maid, get fresh with them. Some do it openly in parks! Some of their wifes are aware but since she is already old and children grown up, wife oso dun care abt the old men. (I guesd when they get diseased, the wife would throw them to nursing hm instead of care for the hubby).
Just my thought. I think everything has karma. We must first build gd karma for ourselves.
 
Mimicoco77,

Bad things happen, sometimes not our fault at all -- it's the wickedness of people around us. Keep your thoughts focused on how to get the best solution for yourself and your children out of this situation. No one can take your pain for you, but many of us are on your side, you are not alone. Keep well and stay strong.
 
Hi mimicoco77,

Sad to hear that.
Are you working at the moment? For any case of such which involves children. Financial must be strong and you must be working.

Email me if you need any other advise as have seen lots of such cases [email protected]
 
@mimicoco77 i felt really sad for you because i could really feel you. It is not about whether you are angry with that guy or not but is about the trust you could have in that person. Please STAY STRONG because you have kids to relay on you.

I would suggest you to go REALLY HARSH now. DIVORCE FOR SURE because this is not the first time & and you dont want your boy to learn from bad example.
I know how children might changed or emotionally unstable under single-family. But with the time and effort you put in your children i believe they will still grow up happily and healthier.

AT THE END OF THE DAY, REMEMBER HOW YOU HAVE COME THROUGH ALL THE YEARS LIVING WITH AN BASTARD. SO THERE IS NOTHING HARDER THAN THIS.
;)

LOVE YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS.

Pm me if you really need someone to talk to :)
 
Hi slowloris

Thank for the support. MOM is investigating the matter. Even interviewing my in law, which they had interviewed my husband . My husband had been telling ppl that I I'll treat the maid , same for 10 year ago, when he had affair . He told everyone he is helping the maid so that why so close to her. Even writing a love letter just to make me jealous. It sound weird. I forgave him cos he told me he is under black magic spell that he don't know what he did. I regretted my decision.

Oh gosh… 10 years ago he did the same to you.. And now again?

This is a man that can never forgive.
 
It takes two hands to clap. No point talking to the maid or sending away the maid unless you can move to a mountain whereby there you are the only woman. He will not stop as long as there are women around who are of the same kind like him. It is not your fault and there is nothing you can do about him. Think of how you should re-organise your life to live it to the fullest. He didn't give you a life into this world, so do you think it is worth to die in his hand???
 
Hi Mimicoco77... I am so sorry to hear about your situation. You must be feeling very disappointed and betrayed. As you file for divorce and prepare for a new life as a single mother, you may want to consider putting financials somewhere in the to priority. If any of your children are attending childcare, you should explore if there are additional childcare subsidy that you qualify for. Take advantage of what our system has to offer - they exist to help people in need. all the best!
 
All that I can do is to pray for you so that you get the strength to manage the issues. You may fire, you may do anything, but all will work only if you can change your hubby's attitude. If there is a will there is a way. Probably you will have to see what he likes, and be like the way he likes, then might be he will realize and look for you instead of seeing others. Also slowly tell him, its not safe for him and his health etc etc. If he is supportive arrange for counseling which could help him.
 
Subra,

Why would all work if mimicoco77 changes her husband's attitude? You cannot change a person but yrself. However, in her case, the husband was plotting against her with the maid. Why shld she do all the work to change his attitude when she is the one betrayed and in pain? Her husband chose to betray her and it is not her fault that he betrays her. It was his choice. If the husband is not repentant, why shld she still try to make him like her when he is already irresponsible for his own actions? A marriage needs both spouses to make it work, sometimes counseling doesn't work.
 
I hv found this very informative. Hope this can help in pple in similar situations to heal yrselves. It does not matter if you are still with yr spouse, most importantly, it is to heal yrself.


The following is from Anne and Brian Bercht, founders of Beyond Affairs Network (BAN). Anne is the author of “My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me” (PLEASE DON’T MISJUDGE THAT BOOK’S TITLE! WHEN YOU READ THE BOOK YOU’LL SEE THAT THE TITLE IS SOMEWHAT OF A “TEASER” AND THAT ANNE BERCHT IS A VERY RECOGNIZED AND QUALIFIED COUNSELOR AND FORMER BETRAYED SPOUSE.) Her article (below) concerns the MISINFORMATION in the entire world (INCLUDING therapists) pertaining to Betrayed Spouses and Wayward Spouses. I’m sharing this with everyone I “know.” Rescuing My Marriage (a former mental health therapist) works regularly with Anne and Brian Bercht and highly recommends their programs.” from 1981

Reposted fromhuperecho.wordpress.com/2013/04/15/regrets-the-fine-line-between-contributing-to-marital-problems-and-causing-a-spouses-infidelity ” I thought this was a good read and it comes from a woman who has successfully healed from infidelity and is still with her husband today. You can read other articles at beyondaffairs.com ” from Marie (huperecho)

Regrets – The Fine Line Between Contributing to Marital Problems and Causing a Spouse’s Infidelity (by Anne Bercht):
A Reader’s Question to Anne Bercht: Dear Anne – I am noticing that I am entering a new stage of grief. I am struggling with finding the line between
contributing to some of our marital problems, and causing his infidelity. My heart and brain say 2 different things. Can you explain this?
Anne Bercht’s Answer: The more I learn about extramarital affairs, the more amazed I am that society generally fails to see the elephant in the room when it comes to the cause of affairs.
When you discover that your spouse has been unfaithful, most people ask themselves “What did I do wrong?” (The answer is nothing, but we can’t grasp that yet, neither can our friends, neither can our spouse, AND OFTENTIMES NEITHER CAN OUR THERAPIST.)

The people in our lives help us blame ourselves. I don’t know how many times I was faced with a well-meaning friend asking, “Anne, I wonder what you did to cause Brian’s affair?” Then we ask our unfaithful spouse, “Why did you do this to me?” They are usually ready with a list of grievances of how unhappy they were and can readily tell us what we did to cause their affair.


When you go as a couple to see a counselor or therapist (devastated and desperate for support, love, and empathy), you will usually be faced with this statement: “Let’s not talk about the affair. Let’s talk about what was wrong in the marriage to cause the affair?” The very premise of the question may lead you astray from finding the answer you need. OFTEN NOTHING WAS WRONG IN THE MARRIAGE TO CAUSE THE AFFAIR.
Why do we not get it that even in happy marriages, especially long-term relationships, it can feel enticing when a 3rd party starts paying attention to us? Most unfaithful spouses are unaware of what’s happening at first. The beginnings are often very subtle.

Of course since there are no perfect marriages and no perfect people, when we go looking for the “problem in the marriage,” or the problem with the faithful spouse, we can always find something to blame the affair on.

One woman came to my BAN group after 30 years of marriage. She was a mess. Her husband had an affair every 5 years in their marriage, and every time he had an affair, they went for therapy and discovered what SHE did wrong to cause the infidelity. The first time it turned out it was because she didn’t keep the house clean enough and this really bothered her husband. So she became a better house cleaner, and they moved on believing they were healed. Ten years into the marriage it turned out she was a poor listener. So she became a really good listener, and that therapist affirmed them both that all was well. 15 years into the marriage it turned out she wasn’t having enough recreational companionship with her husband. So she began to play golf with him and they were supposedly healed. 20 years into the marriage it turned out that she was not adventurous enough in the bedroom, so she became a sex goddess, acquired an extensive lingerie collection, and got experimental. WHY ARE WE MISSING THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM HERE? HE is the problem! HE is the one who is engaging in the unacceptable behavior! HE is the one who keeps breaking his promises!


By the time the last affair was discovered 30 years into the marriage, the wife was losing her mind (testament to her high level of sanity that she made it this far). She admitted herself to the psych ward at the hospital. When she finally realized that SHE WAS NOT THE PROBLEM, she was able to heal. Had the real core issues been addressed from the beginning BY THEIR THERAPISTS, this marriage may have been saved.

The “I DON’T LOVE YOU – I LOVE YOU BUT I’M NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU – I’VE NEVER LOVED YOU” lies that many Wayward Spouses say:
One woman’s husband told her that in all the 35 years they had been married, he had never once loved her, not even when he asked her to marry her. Really? If this were true one could only conclude he was a total idiot. Why would you choose to marry someone, and choose to stay married to him or her for 35 years when you never once loved him or her? After all, it was not as if she’d taken a gun to his head, right down the aisle to the altar and said: Say “I do” or I’ll shoot. He CHOSE to marry her and he is responsible for his decision. I hear this line from most unfaithful spouses we work with: “I never loved my spouse.” ***IT SIMPLY ISN’T TRUE!*** Unfaithful spouses convince themselves of this to give them permission to have affair/s, because otherwise, they would think of themselves as a ‘bad’ person. “If I love my spouse and I have an affair anyway, then I must be a bad person,” they reason. In addition, their thinking gets distorted. THEY REWRITE THEIR MARITAL HISTORY IN THEIR MINDS. BAD MEMORIES BECOME BIGGER, AND THE GOOD MEMORIES AND THE LOVING FEELINGS THEY ONCE HAD ARE FORGOTTEN.

The elephant in the room, which society is missing completely, is that just because you have a good marriage, does not mean you cannot be tempted by an affair.

To every betrayed spouse: YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE AFFAIR

To every unfaithful spouse: YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR AFFAIR
 
Continued..

I am often asked when I appear on television talk shows, “Do you accept responsibility for your part in Brian’s affair?” I answer, “I didn’t have a part in Brian’s affair, and if I would’ve been given a part I would’ve voted ‘no, let’s not do it.’”
When I stand before God to give an account for my life, one question God will not be asking me is “Anne, why did you make Brian have an affair?”

I will, however, give an account for ways that I may have failed Brian in the marriage, but these things did not cause the affair. For every marriage where we discover problems where there has been an affair, I can point to other marriages with worse problems where there has not been an affair. PROBLEMS IN MARRIAGE DOES NOT LEAD TO AFFAIRS. I’m appalled that I must state the obvious, but there are actually healthy ways to deal with problems in marriage!


There are many marriages today with problems, and it is true that these marriages are more vulnerable to affairs than marriages that are happy. There are also many other factors that lead to affairs. These are the gaps. These are the things we bring forth by working in person with couples through our Healing From Affairs weekends. You can also have access to the cognitive part of this teaching and our assessment tool, which will help you determine the root causes of the affair in your marriage by listening to our Healing From Affairs DVD program.

There is no time like the present (working through the devastation of an affair) to look at what could’ve been better in the marriage, but if we label these as the causes, we’re going to be missing significant factors that led to the affair. This thinking is the reason why there are so many repeat offenders. If you don’t find the real root, it’s going to happen again. If you over simplify the answer, you’re going to make some improvements, but be missing the big picture.

Usually when the betrayed spouse asks the unfaithful spouse, “Why did you do this?” And the unfaithful spouse answers, “I don’t know.” THEY ARE TELLING THE TRUTH. THEY DON’T KNOW YET. YOU ARE GOING TO DISCOVER THIS TOGETHER.
When we worked through our Healing from Affairs journey, of course I discovered things I did wrong in the marriage. Brian discovered things he did wrong in the marriag. We uncovered many behaviors of mine that had damaged and wounded my husband. We also uncovered many behaviors of my husband that had damaged and wounded me. We both made changes and it’s been wonderful to make and experience those changes.

However…
A defining moment for me came when Brian said, “Anne, I appreciate all the changes you’ve made since we’ve worked through the affair. Our marriage is so much better today, and I really value that. I’VE LEARNED, HOWEVER, THAT EVEN IF YOU’D BEEN THE PERFECT SPOUSE BEFORE MY AFFAIR, I STILL WOULD’VE HAD THE AFFAIR, BECAUSE MY AFFAIR HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, AND HAD EVERYTHING TO DO WITH MY SHORTCOMINGS AS A MAN.”

This is the elephant in the room.

If you are the betrayed spouse, and you are less than 6 months from the day of your discovery of the affair (d-day), please don’t push yourself to look at your contribution to problems in the marriage. It’s too painful. Do it when you’re ready. It’s so important that we separate marital issues from affair issues. They must remain 2 separate issues if the marriage is to be healed. If they are not kept separate, the betrayed spouse struggles for ongoing years with unhealthy obsessiveness, that goes something like this:

Am I pretty enough? Are we having enough recreational companionship? Are we having enough sex? Enough sexual 10’s? Am I being a good enough mother? (or Am I being a good enough father – if the BS is a man)? Is the house clean enough? The list is endless, and living with this list, believing it’s directly connected to the possibility of your spouse having another affair, is like living with a ball and a chain around your leg. You may as well be in prison. No one can live this way. I’m all for spouses working towards meeting each others’ needs and being conscious and intentional about their marriages. I highly recommend it, but not when we attach, “And if you get it wrong on any given day, I might have an affair.” No one gets it perfect all the time. I need permission to fail sometimes and know that my spouse will seek a healthy way of dealing with his dissatisfaction, not that my failure to get it right is going to lead to the pain of betrayal.

I hope this serves to clarify the fine line between taking responsibility for ways we may have failed our spouse VS. taking responsibility for the affair.

Again, I emphasize:

To every betrayed spouse: YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE AFFAIR

To every unfaithful spouse: YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR AFFAIR

Sincerely,
Anne Bercht

©Copyright 2011 Anne and Brian Bercht. All rights reserved.
 
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His mistress (the maid) texted me to say god will bless me if I forgive m forget this incident , also , mentioned I do not know what is love...
 
Rub salt into wound hur. Just proceed accordingly. If she loves him she will stick with him thick n thin lo. Pffft.
 
Hi all, I m now divorced. Although the children got no father (they still didn't forgive him , not that I did too) now but my children grew to be resilient. Life goes on, religion n children give us strength. I didn't regret my decide on the divorce but I urge people going through the same ordeal to really work hard to save their marriage, I didn't regret cos I tried n give 2nd chance , also be to very financially independent. Now, I am helping my community on Single parents children. N I thank all posts for the support n encouragement. I hope this message can provide some insight.
 
Hi all, I m now divorced. Although the children got no father (they still didn't forgive him , not that I did too) now but my children grew to be resilient. Life goes on, religion n children give us strength. I didn't regret my decide on the divorce but I urge people going through the same ordeal to really work hard to save their marriage, I didn't regret cos I tried n give 2nd chance , also be to very financially independent. Now, I am helping my community on Single parents children. N I thank all posts for the support n encouragement. I hope this message can provide some insight.


Hi may I know your ages and also your kids age?
I believed your ex is a businessman
 
Hi all, I m now divorced. Although the children got no father (they still didn't forgive him , not that I did too) now but my children grew to be resilient. Life goes on, religion n children give us strength. I didn't regret my decide on the divorce but I urge people going through the same ordeal to really work hard to save their marriage, I didn't regret cos I tried n give 2nd chance , also be to very financially independent. Now, I am helping my community on Single parents children. N I thank all posts for the support n encouragement. I hope this message can provide some insight.
Hi,

I read your ordeal and it pains me to read them. My hubby was caught visiting and flirting with prostitutes. I discovered in feb 2016 during my maternity leave. It was very painful and although it is almost 1 year and 5 months since the discovery day, at times, I still feel insecure and pain from the betrayal. Reading that your hubby betrayed 10 years ago and repeated his offence after so many years worries me. Like you, I also give my hubby a second chance but your hubby can repeat after 10 years sets me thinking. Will my hubby repeat too?

The difference I see between your hubby and mine is the reason they give for the betrayal. My hubby states 1) work stress 2) sexual frustration 3) porn addiction as his reasons. Your hubby use black magic as his reason. I read somewhere that a person who uses excuses and external factors as reason for betrayal will never change because they don't see it as their problem. Hence not surprising that your hubby did it again. You are actually very brave to hire maid again. I think I will have phobia with maids if this happens to me. In fact, I don't dare to hire maids now cos my hubby ever told me that he read about guys sleeping with maids in sammyboy forum and I am afraid that he might get the same idea if I ever hire one. Now he is not supposed to watch porn or read any sex forums anymore after the betrayal.

During the 10 years after the first betrayal, are there any boundaries that you set for your hubby and did he do anything to try to gain back your trust? How is his behaviour during those 10 years? You've got 3 kids and I have 2, I wonder whether my marriage will also end up with divorce one day. If it does, no I don't wish for it to end after second betrayal, I rather end it now.
 


Hi,

I read your ordeal and it pains me to read them. My hubby was caught visiting and flirting with prostitutes. I discovered in feb 2016 during my maternity leave. It was very painful and although it is almost 1 year and 5 months since the discovery day, at times, I still feel insecure and pain from the betrayal. Reading that your hubby betrayed 10 years ago and repeated his offence after so many years worries me. Like you, I also give my hubby a second chance but your hubby can repeat after 10 years sets me thinking. Will my hubby repeat too?

The difference I see between your hubby and mine is the reason they give for the betrayal. My hubby states 1) work stress 2) sexual frustration 3) porn addiction as his reasons. Your hubby use black magic as his reason. I read somewhere that a person who uses excuses and external factors as reason for betrayal will never change because they don't see it as their problem. Hence not surprising that your hubby did it again. You are actually very brave to hire maid again. I think I will have phobia with maids if this happens to me. In fact, I don't dare to hire maids now cos my hubby ever told me that he read about guys sleeping with maids in sammyboy forum and I am afraid that he might get the same idea if I ever hire one. Now he is not supposed to watch porn or read any sex forums anymore after the betrayal.

During the 10 years after the first betrayal, are there any boundaries that you set for your hubby and did he do anything to try to gain back your trust? How is his behaviour during those 10 years? You've got 3 kids and I have 2, I wonder whether my marriage will also end up with divorce one day. If it does, no I don't wish for it to end after second betrayal, I rather end it now.

May I know how do u found out ur hubby is visiting prostitiues?
 

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