My baby hates me

cangeline

Member
Hi,



I have a 10 mth old baby. Recently i notice that he hates me and will cry out loud when i start to carry him at night. It all started that i will want to terminate my current maid thus i am training him to sleep himself. He refused and keep wanting the maid to carry him. I got angry and ask the maid out of the baby sight and put him to bed with me siting beside him forcing him to sleeping on his own. After much crying and resistance, he finally sleep. The next day onwards, when it is night time and i get the maid out of sight, my baby will start crying and will keep crying & refused to let me go near him.



Does that mean that he will hate me forever? will he outgrown the hatness for me?

 


Hi,



It seems that ur son is quite attached to your maid around during bedtime. Its normal to cry due to changes in routines.



My adoptive baby cried non-stop for two weeks when he came home and I felt that he hated me too at first. But he settled down after that and smiles and chuckles at me everytime he sees me!



Of course the scenario is different but hope it helps. Persevere and do not give him and let the maid take over. He is your son after all. The maid cant take your place. Good luck Jiayou!

 
Hi,



Thanks for your encouragement. I have tried to take over from my maid every day but he kept crying so sadly and it came to a point he will cry till out of breath. I am so heart broken that i have to let the maid take over.

 
Hey Catherine, I'm facing same issue so I try to breastfeed baby to sleep. My friend told me she offered baby nipple to suckle even no breastmilk. You might want to try that. I'm hosting a moms support group this Wednesday at my house. If you're interested to join please feel free to come. For full details go to www.babycafe.com.Sg ; it's free don't have to pay anything just come [IMG=http://www.singaporemotherhood.com/forumboard/clipart/happy.gif]

 
Hi Amber,



Thanks for the invitation. However i am not available this Wednesday. I have book mark your site and will join whenever possible.



In fact, when my baby boy was younger, he will only wake up for milk. Only recent 2 months, he started to keep waking up from his sleep crying and need to be carried by my maid before returning to sleep. When we noticed it become a habit, we try to train him and then the opposite effect of things happen. Really break my heart to see my boy seeing me as an enemy.



Really wonder when will he forgets it.

 
Hi angeline,



your baby cries cos he's used to routines, which we all try to fix when they are young..do persevere! dun ever allow the maid to take your place. as much opportunity, spend time wif your boy before bedtime and try to put him to sleep thereafter. talk to him, coax him..it takes time..



personally i feel best is to intro a few mre pple to put ur bb to slp so tt this wont occur again, u wont want also a situation where your bb cant slp without you too ya? getting ur hubby involved will b gd.. my two cents worth ;-)

 
My adoptive baby cried non-stop for two weeks! We did not have the option of returning him to the agent's nanny! So we roughed it out and when he cried all day and night all we could do was carry him and rock him to sleep and tell him we love and want him very much. He will cry till exhausted and fall asleep.After 2 weeks he starts to smile at us and now he wants us so much and is an easy baby!



Hang in there!

 
Hi Die,



Will it post a health problem to him if he continue to cry like that at night? I seen my boy cry until like breathless and i really scared it will impact his health

 
Angeline: I've never heard of babies having serious health problems for crying too much. At the most it will introduce wind into their tummies and they feel uncomfortable and bloated. Babies can feel if you are concerned for them and as long as you persist, your boy will stop. However, the important thing now is to rough it out and continue in whatever methods you are doing. One way i found helpful and die has already mentioned is actually telling the baby this, "I know you are not used to our routine now and I'm sorry that you feel so uncomfortable. But mama love you very much and really want to want to help you to sleep. It will be ok soon, you will get used to this, i promise." Keep repeating this and be calm, even though i can understand how unsettling babies' cries are. Once they know you are calm and can understand what they are going through, they will calm down. It might take a couple of days tho... Press on!

 
Hi Angeline, pls don't think your bb hates you. My gal too preferred my maid and laughs at her more when I went back to work. Couldn't take the heartache and jealousy and took care of her myself. Never regretted ever since. If you carry immediately to pacify her, she'll expect that for a long long time even after growing up, that you run to her. Pat her every intervals without carrying and shorten the visits that's what it's been told but not easy. You have to be hard hearted to train your bb otherwise like my girl, it's true they'll not learn to wait.

 
Thanks for your encouragement. I noticed that my boy still look for me for play. But whenever it is his bedtime and the moment he sees me into the room, he will immediately look for the maid and want her to carry him to sleep. When i am not in the room, my boy is willing to be pat by the maid on the bed by himself.



He is just like doing this to me. Sigh!

 
Oh yeah! My husband suggest that since my son is so scared of me and dun like me so he suggest to let my son cool down for 2 weeks and then try again.



What do you all think?

 
Eh... if you want to train habit, you actually have to do it consistently. When i trained my girl to sleep on the mattress instead of in the sarong at night, it took me about almost 2 months before she realised that she'll not be sleeping in the sarong at night anymore. During that period, she'll ask for the sarong every night. It was difficult for us because she took almost 1.5hrs to get to sleep coz she was not used to it but once i continued, she began to get the idea. The requests slowly reduced in frequency and now she stopped asking completely. Persistence and consistency is the key to developing habits...

 
Angeline, he doesn't hate u...he won't hate his mummy..he's jus used to a certain routine and care for by ur helper...perhaps, u shld try and spend more happy time with him first before trying to put him to bed alone...and if u wan, probably put him to bed together with the helper, slowly slowly "convert" him..

 
i agree with angeline. i read a book on sleeping problem by bb and it best describe your situation. it's very useful.



the book says the child will resist and cry if we suddenly change their normal routine. the fact that u have allowed your maid to carry bb to sleep in the beginning has taught the bb to believe that sleep=maid=carry. Now u feel it's time to take over and expect your bb to cooperate, it's impossible. bb cant help it but to resist and cry coz there's a change now.

u need to do it gradually and consistently. it's better to get these parenting book and read thoroughly on the method they teach. it's tough but you would rather do it the correct way that's been proven.



Most importantly you've to understand that ur bb has been "trained" to be carried to sleep. in fact most parents allowed it till they find it's time they expect their child to sleep independantly. they start to intervene and change things, unfortunately in reality a child will not comply... this is a very normal reaction of them to resist...



some child you heard from friends are easier to train, some are tough, some take 2 weeks to change, some 2 months... therefore we have to be patient and loving with our approach towards the child, it's either we endure the hardship now for a few months or accept the fact that the bb needs the maid for the next few years!



I too have a toddler that needs to be carried by either maid or dad. i only got hold of the parenting book thru recommendation just few months back. I wish I lay hands on the book much earlier!! the younger your child, the easier to establish routine or change a bad habit. some suggest starting sleep training at 2 weeks old. I am obviously too late. but i dont want to wait till my maid contract ends and worry about this issue when she leave...



I cant provide too much infor on what i read coz i skipped the part written for bb under 1 yr old. i'm on the toddler chapter. u can easily ask any sales staff at those well known bookstore on popular parenting books on this. there are a few good ones only so the search should be easy.



lastly, try not to adopt the cry out method meaning letting your bb cry and you leaving the room. be around him and pat his back to comfort him. you can choose to keep quiet or say few soothing words... up to you. this is to let him know you aware he's upset but you're there to pull thru with you.



there are some who claim crying out method works wonder on their child, but i guess not on every child. if your child happen to not accept this method, next time he will cry the moment you put him on bed coz he think you're gonna leave him again. you dont want them to feel that ur abandoning him. it's more difficult to calm a traumatise child. just need to do this once and you'll spend longer time trying to figure out how to build back his trust in you. now more work to do. i heard of ppl letting the child cry by himself for an hour, it's heartbreaking...



crying will not harm a child. but crying alone without someone around to comfort is quite harmful...



all the above are what i'd gathered from the book by reading random chapters. so might not be specific.



hope this message gets to you although a little late[IMG=http://www.singaporemotherhood.com/forumboard/clipart/happy.gif] cheers!

 
Hi all, I have a 5 months old baby who always look for her grandmother when she wants to sleep at night. When I carry her around her sleeptime, she will cry and protest. Another problem is, she refuses to be pat to sleep and always demands to be carried to sleep. Her grandmother carries her alot and picks her up immediately if she grumbles, which probably contributes to the above issues. Can't help but feel upset when my own baby prefers other people. [IMG=http://www.singaporemotherhood.com/forumboard/clipart/sad.gif]

 
Xbd, at least yours is still a close kin. mine is completely outsider. Sigh! I learn to accept it as at least to some comfort, my boy will look for me to play instead of the maid. Just that i will stop my son from hugging my maid or kissing her.

 
Angeline, thanks for comforting [IMG=http://www.singaporemotherhood.com/forumboard/clipart/happy.gif] I tried to tell my baby's grandmother not to always pick her up when she cries but according to her, the baby will be traumatised as a result. So, at least in your case, your maid follows your instructions. My opinions are always overridden because they say I have less experience as a first time mother. Your boy is 15 months old by now? Has the situation improved?

 
xbd, now only for fun he will look for me. otherwise, he know when he want sleep he will look for the maid. But my husband comfort me that when my maid contract up and go back, my boy will look for the next comfort person which will be me so as me dun worry.

 
Last night as usual, around her bedtime, i carried her and very soon, the crying and screaming started. Like every other night, i sang to her and tried to calm her down but to no avail. Then my husband suggested we simply ignore her and talk to each other instead. Funnily, she stopped crying and listened to our conversation instead. Very soon, in 2 minutues, she fell asleep in my arms. Will try again tonight, hopefully my darling girl doesn't see through our ploy [IMG=http://www.singaporemotherhood.com/forumboard/clipart/happy.gif]

 
As my boy now get bigger, he still seems to dislike me. In the family, i act as the discipliner for him. What happen to me is that when my husband scold him, he will appologised but he will be angry with me for getting his dad to scold him. But when i scold him, he will totally ignore me and will refused to applogised to me.

Any mother got advice how do i improve my relationship with my boy? (Btw: he is now 17 month soon)

 
He probably thinks you can be ignored. That's what is happening with my son now. Difference is, he just cries louder when I scold or punished hoping I will soften and give in.



Playing with him is a good start, because children loves fun. If you are constanly scolding him, I suggest you refrain for those little things. When you are really upset with him, then punish him so he will know the difference in your tone and pitch. And praise him when he does something well. Smile at him when you see him. At night, be the one to settle him down, maybe by reading a book or bathing him then put him to bed. Be the one to feed him too if you can.Oh, and sometimes do give in to his little unimportant demands.



That works for my 2 year old.

 
I learnt from a discipline talk today that u cant discipline a child if u dont love the child.

In other words, if the child cant feel the love from u, its not the right time to start discipline yet.

Everyone ard my 2yrs old spoils him. Esp my parents (his grandparents). Im the only one who can manage his tantrums , the one who holds the authority in discipline. Cos im a single mummy, i tried very hard from day1 to play both mother n father role. I wanna nurture him love him spoil him like every mothers. At the same time, i cant afford to have him get out of hand, so i play the firm, fierce, scold etc role as a father too.

He was sent to infant care since 2mths old n now in childcare in the same centre. Mon to fri 7am-7pm. I only have that one hr in the morning n that 2plus hrs in the evening, weekends n public holiday with him. To make up for his not having a father, i spent every sec i have with him. I feed, change, bath n do everything abt him myself. Carry him alot. Do everything tgt with him. That builds up the bond between us. N as he grew older, when discipline is needed, im the one who set boundaries, impose rules n regulations. He does test the limits every now n then. He does make mistakes at times. But when scolding or punishment is involve, he takes it.

No resentment or hatred at all between us. He knows his mistake since lil. Even when i piak his hand to implement the no, he cries n all, but after the drama, we r still 'in love' with each other.

No kids will hate their mother. N its not too late to build the bond. After the talk i attended i realise its cos we had the bond before the discipline. N he knows mummy loves him, i made it clear to him what he does wrong n he knows his mistake, thats y he is able to accept n take the scoldings n punishments.

My advise is, let yr child know u love him/her! Thats the most impt thing u needa do. Then set the boundaries n limits, never give in. When u need to scold or punish the child, never do it when u r in mad anger. Warn the child beforehand the no. N let him know the consequences.

I visited babycentre website alot in the early days to read up abt baby/toddler's growth, what to expect, why they behave that way, whats in their mind etc to understand my child better. Research on methods to discipline/teach the child for the stages they wil go through. Use the methods one by one or altogether, trial n error, mix n match till i get the one that works on my child best. After attending the discpline talk today, i realise that what ive been doing is kinda right n is proven by research. There r actually 'steps' u can follow, they sorta made everything into words n steps form for first time parents to learn. At least, it worked for my child.

Will b more than willing to share with mummies who have difficulties managing their child n r interested to learn. However, it takes lots of patience n commitment, n the result is not overnight. U need determination to have it work.

 
dearie... dun worry. my son previously also only want me around him during bedtime and no one else. if i'm out and not home in time, he'll cry till the house tears down. if my hubby attempts to carry him, he'll cry louder and harder. my hubby even worried that baby no longer wants him! so thereafter, my hubby will join in during the nite feed and some time later, baby will "acknowledge" his pressence and include him in the "nite circle".



if you can't withdraw him from your maid now, join in together and let him get used to you and maid. den gradually maid can exit and let you take over.



hope this helps.

 
I am glad I read this thread. My bb is 7 mths old. He is able to recognise people now. I am really glad I didn't agree to mil's suggestion to put bb at her place during weekdays n only bring bb home on weekends. If not, I may be facing the same problem as Angeline.

Agree that should join in together with maid, then slowly take over the role. It takes time. My boy initially rejected my grandmothe. I will tell him to let her carry, then I pass his toy to my grandmother so she can play with him. After sometime, Now he is ok with her.

 
Eve's suggestion likely will work. Don't change the environment/person immediately. Bbs need time to get used to a new face or routine.

 

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