SingaporeMotherhood | Parenting
January 2013
What’s your Relationship with other Parents like?
I recently read an article about a father who locked his three-year-old son in his room at bedtime. The little boy had been waking very frequently every night (up to 37 times one particular night) for many months.
After seeing a doctor, reading up and speaking to other parents, he and his wife chose to bolt their son in his room to soothe himself to sleep, despite his screams and distress.
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The father’s decision came from his concerns about the couple’s sleep deprivation, the tot’s safety when he wandered the house alone at night, and their suffering parent-child relationship. The father expressed his feelings of desperation, sadness and inner conflict.
This story evoked very strong emotions in me. I can understand how disrupted sleep would result in zombie-like stupor the next day; it would certainly affect how the parent cared for the child during the daytime, his ability to work, as well as his family life!
However, I believe in a gentle style of parenting. I believe that young children behave the way they do because of physical or emotional needs which are not met. I believe in responding to children sensitively, building their trust in the world.
While my initial reaction to this dad’s choice was strong, I can also see how he had reached a tremendously low point in his parenting journey.
In my work as a breastfeeding counsellor, I see how it is important that I put my personal beliefs aside and respond with kindness and empathy, even if the other parent’s ideas and final choices are different from what I myself might do.
After all, every conscious parent knows his child, himself as well as his family
circumstances best, giving him the best vantage point to make decisions affecting his family.
Parenting is rife with many hot-button issues, and opinions among parenting experts as well as parents are often divided. Research throws up seemingly conflicting conclusions, and online debate is often fiery. Add to this the emotions that come with being a parent, and parents facing difficult situations often find themselves left feeling conflicted, inadequate, guilty or regretful.
The facts remain that raising kids is not easy business, and all of us parents are in this together. It helps for us to remember this despite our different parenting approaches.
One thing that has kept me grounded as a parent has been the friendships that I have with other mums and dads. When I had my first baby, attending mother-baby gatherings, breastfeeding support groups and playgroups helped me cope in the early months. These allowed me to identify my parenting philosophy and define my own style of mothering.
Even now, day-to-day conversations and relationships with other parents when I drop the kids off at school, in the supermarket or at the playground sustain me! I draw courage from knowing that others have travelled the same path and that it has worked out for them.
When I meet parents who share the same parenting values as myself, I feel like I have come home! Like-minded parent-friends are a source of ideas and inspiration. I have gleaned many ideas from them, and adapted these to suit my family’s needs. When it is a challenge to maintain my parenting ideals, I find motivation and hope in other parents.
When I meet parents who do things differently from me, staying humble and open helps me see new perspectives. Connecting on a human level is more meaningful than standing on some sort of parenting high ground!
Every parent deserves the space to make their parenting decisions, it is their story to write. It helps to keep this in mind especially where trigger topics are concerned. Share experiences by saying “I did this…” instead of “you should do this…” can help you avoid imposing personal values on another parent and somehow crossing unseen boundaries.
Many new mothers are wary of criticism or comments from other parents about their parenting style. I sometimes worry that other parents who have ‘been there’ themselves will be my harshest critics. These feelings often stem from my lack of confidence or the desire to seem like ‘a good parent’ in the eyes of other parents.
In reality though, most experienced parents are easy-going and compassionate about a mother ‘losing it’ or having a rough day, and kids behaving as kids do.
All of this begs another question: is it ever all right to interfere in another parent’s parenting? The easy answer would be no, if the parent isn’t breaking the law.
But what if we felt that the parent was mistreating the child? Then again, what constitutes mistreatment is subjective, and influenced by the onlooker’s background, personal values and cultural biases.
Our parenting journeys become so much lighter and the roadside wildflowers become that much more colourful when we are able to walk alongside one another with warmth and acceptance, casting feelings of judgement, embarassment or guilt to the wayside.
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